Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[skater]

Sorry but I disagree with you. Discrimination is discrimination..be it race or religion. You would refuse to allow your child to date someone simply based on their religion..that is no different than refusing to allow your child to date someone who is a certain/different race.

It's one thing to gravitate towards people you are around (like dating people in your church) and it's an entirely different thing to say "That young man is Jewish/Buddhist/Muslim/atheist or whatever religion I deem "bad" and you can not date them".

We can agree to disagree . Actually, its more about my childrens' choices than it is about me refusing to allow them to date someone based on religion.

But still, my children would not hesitate about dating someone of another race. They would hesitate about dating someone who was not their religion. I think its way different. Your race is something you're born with (and we believe skin color/race has nothing to do with a person's character, religion, morals,etc.). You choose your religion. On a personal level, like dating, I don't believe that's discrimination. I understand that in other matters, like jobs and housing that it would be discrimination and I would never do that. But personal choices are different because there are a lot of reasons for christians to only date christians. And I'm sure that there are people of other faiths that feel the same way.

On some issues, it is just too hard to compromise. For example, a spiritual christian is not going to be satisfied bringing up children in no church and her atheist husband is not going to be comfortable with her teaching his children that christianity is the only way to God. I'm sure that compromise is easier with people who are not very spiritual, but to some, it is impossible to reconcile that kind of compromise with their beliefs.

Of course, dating is supposed to be fun, but why date someone of a different faith if there is a possibility of "falling in love" and wanting to get married one day. It seems like you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartache .

 

[FireDancer]

Who said any religion was "bad"? No, all I'm saying is different, not bad. That's enough. If your religion is a major part of your identity, why would you ever consider marrying someone whose beliefs are different than yours?

OK, lets concede that some people wouldn't marry outside of their religion. What does that have to do with the random date one high schooler goes on with another high schooler? Statistically speaking the relationship will not go anywhere long-term. If religion was important to one of the two involved in this casual date they would probably go into the date knowing it was just going to be a one or few time thing since there was no long term compatibility.

I looked at every date in high school as just a fun thing that had no or very little actual emotional attachment. Go out a couple of times and then move on. Every date I went on in high school was, but design, casual.

 

[Coconut36]

Who said any religion was "bad"? No, all I'm saying is different, not bad. That's enough. If your religion is a major part of your identity, why would you ever consider marrying someone whose beliefs are different than yours?

Well if it isn't bad or wrong then why would someone be told they can't date the teenager based on it?

 

[punkin]

Well, this Jewish girl says it's because I loved him.

...and how central is Judaism to your identity? How does Judaism define you or does it at all? If Judaism is a "core" basis of your being (and I am making no judgments if it is or not), why would you ever have put yourself in a situation where you would fall in love? That's my entire point.

 

[Coconut36]

We can agree to disagree . Actually, its more about my childrens' choices than it is about me refusing to allow them to date someone based on religion.

But still, my children would not hesitate about dating someone of another race. They would hesitate about dating someone who was not their religion. I think its way different. Your race is something you're born with (and we believe skin color/race has nothing to do with a person's character, religion, morals,etc.). You choose your religion. On a personal level, like dating, I don't believe that's discrimination. I understand that in other matters, like jobs and housing that it would be discrimination and I would never do that. But personal choices are different because there are a lot of reasons for christians to only date christians. And I'm sure that there are people of other faiths that feel the same way.

On some issues, it is just too hard to compromise. For example, a spiritual christian is not going to be satisfied bringing up children in no church and her atheist husband is not going to be comfortable with her teaching his children that christianity is the only way to God. I'm sure that compromise is easier with people who are not very spiritual, but to some, it is impossible to reconcile that kind of compromise with their beliefs.

Of course, dating is supposed to be fun, but why date someone of a different faith if there is a possibility of "falling in love" and wanting to get married one day. It seems like you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartache .

And what would you do if your teenager chose another religion? I suspect that wouldn't be allowed to happen.

Again..it's one thing to get to know someone and say "this relationship isn't working as we can't find common ground regarding religion" and entirely different to say "you are not the "right" religion therefore I will not have anything to do with you".

 

[Coconut36]

...and how central is Judaism to your identity? How does Judaism define you or does it at all? If Judaism is a "core" basis of your being (and I am making no judgments if it is or not), why would you ever have put yourself in a situation where you would fall in love? That's my entire point.

Seriously? I am an active practicing Catholic, my DH is Jewish. It's a part of us and our lives but it never once impacted our relationship or had any relevance on us falling in love..why would that be relevant? I grew up respecting others and being taught that my way isn't the only way..so did he. Just because we don't go to the same church doesn't make it impossible for us to love or be a happy couple.

 

[punkin]

OK, lets concede that some people wouldn't marry outside of their religion. What does that have to do with the random date one high schooler goes on with another high schooler? Statistically speaking the relationship will not go anywhere long-term. If religion was important to one of the two involved in this casual date they would probably go into the date knowing it was just going to be a one or few time thing since there was no long term compatibility.

I looked at every date in high school as just a fun thing that had no or very little actual emotional attachment. Go out a couple of times and then move on. Every date I went on in high school was, but design, casual.

I disagree with ************* the way you describe it. IMO every date has potential to lead to a serious relationship. Look at mdsoccermom's post that she married out of her religion because she was in love. If not marrying out is important, then you should never date outside your religion.

 

[punkin]

Seriously? I am an active practicing Catholic, my DH is Jewish. It's a part of us and our lives but it never once impacted our relationship or had any relevance on us falling in love..why would that be relevant? I grew up respecting others and being taught that my way isn't the only way..so did he. Just because we don't go to the same church doesn't make it impossible for us to love or be a happy couple.

Obviously your religion (and your DH's) is not a central part of your identity, and that's OK for you. It is not OK for me or my children. Why is it so difficult for someone who "grew up respecting others and being taught that my way isn't the only way" find this so difficult to understand?

 

[ccgirl]

I haven't read all the replies but I have to say I am surprised about the judgement that is going on here. I guess that's why there are rules against debating religion. I think it's important to remember it's not a one size fits all thing. Believe it or not, there are people who wait until they get married to have sex. There are people that think sex is exclusively for procreation and not a contact sport. Just because people think differently than you, does not make them wrong. Religion is extremely important to some and not so much to others. Again, doesn't make it wrong. Different is not wrong.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Sorry but I disagree with you. Discrimination is discrimination..be it race or religion. You would refuse to allow your child to date someone simply based on their religion..that is no different than refusing to allow your child to date someone who is a certain/different race.

It's one thing to gravitate towards people you are around (like dating people in your church) and it's an entirely different thing to say "That young man is Jewish/Buddhist/Muslim/atheist or whatever religion I deem "bad" and you can not date them".

I agree with you. It's a fine line. I understand that faith can be such a huge part of a person's life that they cannot imagine being married to a person who doesn't share it. If the teen is the one who comes to this decision, and also comes to the decision that he/she is not willing to date anyone that he doesn't think he could marry, I don't see his decision as necessarily discriminatory.

But for a parent to tell their children they should only date people of the same religion? No different from telling them they must date within their own race, IMO.

 

[dogluva]

I'm always curious about posts like this. What exactly is it that your husband will talk to him about? His intentions? His future career path? How he feels about politics and religion? Do you honestly think in meeting a boy for the first time, even if it's for an hour your husband will really know him enough to make a decision? I think this is putting the cart before the horse. Once the relationship seems to be getting a little more serious, i.e, more than just an occasional date to a movie, etc., then I would begin bringing the boy into the family, so to speak. But putting a kid through a battery of questions before he ever even gets near your daughter is a little overkill, in my opinion.

I agree. The boy will run for the hills.

 

[eliza61]

did not read all pages so I'll just addresss the original poster.
I'm probably stricter than the average disser so my rules probably sound like punishment. LOl.

1) we had to meet all friends whether they were dates or not. My kids were not allowed to say "I'm going over joes house if we did not know who joe was". We also encouraged our sons to introduce themselves to any girls parents who they were friends with.

2) my kids could not date until Jr. year in h.s. period. they could go out as a group. Luckily they were heavily envolved with sports so between practice and school, they really did not have time for dating before hand.

3) even as seniors we asked them, where they were going. we live in the city and "hanging out" often leads to trouble. So the answer "Out" is not acceptable

So far so good. My oldest is in college and he pretty much brings home all his dates prior to going out. He doesnt have to but I like it.

 

[eliza61]

I agree. The boy will run for the hills.

Not necessarily. this was standard procedure when I was dating. Sorry if you went out with me, you came in my house, removed your hat said hello to my parents and any other adult who happen to be there at the time and answered every and any question they deemed important to ask you.

My father had a saying that my brothers use with their daughters and I use with my neice. If any guy drives by and honks the horn, he better be delivery a pizza 'cause he damn sure ain't picking anyone up.

Park the car, come in and pay your respects and hope I don't ask to see your drivers license. LOL No way, no how is my niece ever meeting some one at the movies and I can't put a face to and know nothing about.

 

[eliza61]

Remember the episodes when Denise would try to bring home a date. Cliff (Bill Cosby) would drill the boy and say stuff like "well how ugly is the boy"?


That's pretty much my family.

 

[marcyinPA]

Sorry but I disagree with you. Discrimination is discrimination..be it race or religion. You would refuse to allow your child to date someone simply based on their religion..that is no different than refusing to allow your child to date someone who is a certain/different race.

It's one thing to gravitate towards people you are around (like dating people in your church) and it's an entirely different thing to say "That young man is Jewish/Buddhist/Muslim/atheist or whatever religion I deem "bad" and you can not date them".

Not BAD. Just not what we believe in. I know plenty of people of different or no religions who are fine people. BUT- I don't believe what they believe, and therefore I would never marry one of them. For ME- it would complicate things. So, I could be friends with them, but to have a committed, "as one flesh" relationship...nope...couldn't do it. It has nothing to do with them or their religious beliefs being BAD.

As for my sons...as I already said, I would never forbid them from dating or marrying someone of a different faith, but they are also very strong in their faith and I can see them marrying a person with similar beliefs.

 

[Coconut36]

Obviously your religion (and your DH's) is not a central part of your identity, and that's OK for you. It is not OK for me or my children. Why is it so difficult for someone who "grew up respecting others and being taught that my way isn't the only way" find this so difficult to understand?

I find it difficult to understand because I find it unacceptable to exclude or discriminate based on religion (or race or sexual orientation). That is what you are promoting as acceptable.

You don't know me or my life or what is central to it and have no idea what role our individual faiths play in it so don't assume to know anything about what is a central part of my (or DH's) identity or life.

 

[dogluva]

Not necessarily. this was standard procedure when I was dating. Sorry if you went out with me, you came in my house, removed your hat said hello to my parents and any other adult who happen to be there at the time and answered every and any question they deemed important to ask you.

My father had a saying that my brothers use with their daughters and I use with my neice. If any guy drives by and honks the horn, he better be delivery a pizza 'cause he damn sure ain't picking anyone up.

Park the car, come in and pay your respects and hope I don't ask to see your drivers license. LOL No way, no how is my niece ever meeting some one at the movies and I can't put a face to and know nothing about.

I haven't read all the posts but I wonder why is it always about the girl? How about the boy-as a mother of three boys (and three girls) I think it is just as important to find out what type of girl my son wants to date. My oldest son had girls hanging all over him-girls I didn't want him associating with. I am going through it with my son who is is ten years younger. Again, the girls acting very aggressive. He is not at all that interested in them but it doesn't seem to stop them. Shouldn't I be concerned about their influence on him? My oldest son was young for the grade but mature physically and he had girls two years older than him trying to get his attention.

I just don't understand why it is always about he girls, sometimes the boys are the ones who need protecting.

 

[punkin]

I find it difficult to understand because I find it unacceptable to exclude or discriminate based on religion (or race or sexual orientation). That is what you are promoting as acceptable.

You don't know me or my life or what is central to it and have no idea what role our individual faiths play in it so don't assume to know anything about what is a central part of my (or DH's) identity or life.

I only know what you post. He is Jewish and you are Catholic (excuse me "active practicing catholic"). I know nothing else. All my observations and comments are based on my beliefs and values. I would not marry outside my religion because that is unacceptable to me. I understand you think it's in some way discriminatory, but choosing a mate is inherently a discriminatory activity. You chose one man/woman on the basis of shared values and physical attraction (among other things) and discriminate against all others.

I do wonder if your religion is so central to your life (notice I am not saying it is or isn't since you have yet to tell me), how you managed to marry a Jew in the Catholic Church?

 

[skater]

And what would you do if your teenager chose another religion? I suspect that wouldn't be allowed to happen.

Again..it's one thing to get to know someone and say "this relationship isn't working as we can't find common ground regarding religion" and entirely different to say "you are not the "right" religion therefore I will not have anything to do with you".

Obviously, I can't do anything to my teenager if he/she chooses another religion . Religion is about free will.

And, I never said anything about "not having anything to do" with someone.

 

[eliza61]

I haven't read all the posts but I wonder why is it always about the girl? How about the boy-as a mother of three boys (and three girls) I think it is just as important to find out what type of girl my son wants to date. My oldest son had girls hanging all over him-girls I didn't want him associating with. I am going through it with my son who is is ten years younger. Again, the girls acting very aggressive. He is not at all that interested in them but it doesn't seem to stop them. Shouldn't I be concerned about their influence on him? My oldest son was young for the grade but mature physically and he had girls two years older than him trying to get his attention.

I just don't understand why it is always about he girls, sometimes the boys are the ones who need protecting.

Oh heck yeah. My two oldest are boys and the rules I posted above where the rules of the house.

They could not go over any "friends" house without us meeting them and finding out where they live.