Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[nuttylawprofessor]

I find it difficult to understand because I find it unacceptable to exclude or discriminate based on religion (or race or sexual orientation). That is what you are promoting as acceptable.

I'm sorry, but I have to say, I'm going to discriminate when it comes to sexual orientation and dating. If I'm heterosexual, I'm not going to ask someone who is homosexual on a date. It's a deal-breaker.

As far as dating rules, I'm thankful my offspring are young.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I only know what you post. He is Jewish and you are Catholic (excuse me "active practicing catholic"). I know nothing else. All my observations and comments are based on my beliefs and values. I would not marry outside my religion because that is unacceptable to me. I understand you think it's in some way discriminatory, but choosing a mate is inherently a discriminatory activity. You chose one man/woman on the basis of shared values and physical attraction (among other things) and discriminate against all others.

I do wonder if your religion is so central to your life (notice I am not saying it is or isn't since you have yet to tell me), how you managed to marry a Jew in the Catholic Church?

You did not ask me, but my DH and I were married in a Catholic Church. The priest was aware that I am not Catholic. There was no rule against this

 

[JamesMom]

I think parents are thinking that if the boy is a good Christian he won't get frisky with their daughter. And statistically speaking, it's the guy looking to get busy -- the girl probably just wants him to keep calling/texting or whatever. My goal in my sons' high school dating life is to keep me from becoming a grandmother (or aborting a potential grandchild). I am installing values about sex and marriage from a young age with the full force of the Catholic church as backup, lol. Dating in high school is all fun and games until someone ends up pregnant (and as a catholic, condoms aren't really an option without lots of confessing among other things...). Once they hit college,which is much easier done withou a wife or child support payments, its on them 100 percent. Haven't fully figured how to do this, but I have a few years as my boys are only 6 and 8. I think training my kids to think more than 5 minutes ahead might be a good start.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think parents are thinking that if the boy is a good Christian he won't get frisky with their daughter. And statistically speaking, it's the guy looking to get busy -- the girl probably just wants him to keep calling/texting or whatever. My goal in my sons' high school dating life is to keep me from becoming a grandmother (or aborting a potential grandchild). I am installing values about sex and marriage from a young age with the full force of the Catholic church as backup, lol. Dating in high school is all fun and games until someone ends up pregnant (and as a catholic, condoms aren't really an option without lots of confessing among other things...). Once they hit college,which is much easier done withou a wife or child support payments, its on them 100 percent. Haven't fully figured how to do this, but I have a few years as my boys are only 6 and 8. I think training my kids to think more than 5 minutes ahead might be a good start.

Okay, since this came up AGAIN (so it is not you alone at all but has been said over and over in this thread) and since my DD14 has been harping on it coming up over and over since she started following the thread yesterday I will ask the question she is unwilling to post (because I can't answer it no matter how often she asks ME ).

WHY do people keep putting "good" and "Christian" together all the time as if they go hand in hand? Do you honestly believe that if a kid attends church and youth group and says a prayer that he is by default then "good." And what do you (general you) mean by good in this case? I think you mean, not horny, not likely to want to have sex or even cop a feel. Maybe you also mean not likely to drink or do drugs or stay out late? WHY is being Christian any sort of guarantee about this and why would not being Christian make someone any more likely to do these things?
Do you think atheist or Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist or whatever kids are really more likely to be horny and act on it than their Christian counterparts?

The whole concept of automatically equating Christian with good implies that you are automatically equating non Christian with bad, which strikes me as horribly discriminatory.

 

[JamesMom]

Well, since it me you are quoting, I have paid lots of good money to see people act in the movies and frequently believe that teens can attempt to do just as good of an acting job for free, so no, I don't believe that parking your butt in a pew for an hour an week gives you immunity to sin. I was merely suggesting that some may interpret sitting for an hour in building with a cross on it might equate with ones character for Better or for worse.

 

[Momvic5]

I'm sorry, but I have to say, I'm going to discriminate when it comes to sexual orientation and dating. If I'm heterosexual, I'm not going to ask someone who is homosexual on a date. It's a deal-breaker.

As far as dating rules, I'm thankful my offspring are young.

My son is 15 years old and has already decided he is going to discriminate against smokers when dating. His allergies have helped him decide on that one!

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Well, since it me you are quoting, I have paid lots of good money to see prepped act in the movies and frequently believe that tennis can attempt to do just as good of an acting job for free, so no, I don't believe that parking your but in apes for an hour an week gives you immunity to sin. I was merely suggesting that some may interpret sitting for an hour in building with a cross on it might equate with ones character for Bette for for worse.

I'm really sorry, but what?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, since it me you are quoting, I have paid lots of good money to see prepped act in the movies and frequently believe that tennis can attempt to do just as good of an acting job for free, so no, I don't believe that parking your but in apes for an hour an week gives you immunity to sin. I was merely suggesting that some may interpret sitting for an hour in building with a cross on it might equate with ones character for Bette for for worse.

I can't quite follow all that (maybe it is an auto correct thing?) but I gather you are saying you do not think "good" and "Christian" necessarily go together and were just using the phrase others used to try to explain what others say
That is fine; as I pointed out it has come up time and again in this thread. I sincerely do hope that someone (or two or three) of the posters who have said they want their daughters to date "good christian" boys (or something similar) will explain why those two go together for them and how that is or is not exclusive of "good" and religions. I am genuinely curious as to the line of thinking that leads to this in any way that is not bigoted because from my own perspective I cannot figure it out (and I like to think the best of people and assume they are NOT bigots and I am just not understanding).

 

[NotUrsula]

I just don't understand why it is always about he girls, sometimes the boys are the ones who need protecting.

In a nutshell, because males are usually bigger and physically stronger, and males don't get pregnant. Yes, it is about self-esteem, etc., but the tradition of the "chat with her Dad" came about because girls get pregnant, and before DNA testing and modern laws to enforce support obligations, the girl was in most cases the one who suffered if it happened, unless her Dad was the one who inflicted the suffering. I'm not saying that it is right, but that's why people did it, and in the main, that is why they still do it.

My only teen child is male, and yes, we do have a lot of discussions about bad-news personalities and behaviors in girls. Right now he is spending a lot of time on the phone with a girl who is the ex of friend of his who moved out of state, and she's doing a lot of crying on his shoulder. I've overheard parts of their conversations (Skype) and it is obvious to me that she is trying to attract his interest as more than just a friend. Thankfully my DS is oblivious to that and not interested in any case out of loyalty to his friend, because that girl is an overly needy emotional train wreck.

I confess: we also have a lot of discussions about the gravity of sex that make these dating qualifications seem like a cakewalk. Given today's legal climate, we have made it very clear to DS that he should consider that every time you choose to have sex with someone that biologically might result in conception, you are taking the risk that birth control might fail and that you might end up sharing the raising of a child with that person and turning over a good chunk of the next 18 years' income to her, too. If you don't see yourself able to do that without hating her in the long run, then it probably isn't worth the immediate gratification. (Yeah, I know it's probably overkill, but it's a pretty effective deterrent in this case: because if there is one thing that DS can be counted on to be REALLY unwilling to share, it's his money.)

Also, PS for NHDisneyLover's daughter: They don't by extension think that Jews or Muslims, etc. are promiscuous and/or opportunistic or otherwise not of sound character. It is just that for the most part, folks who believe this way don't have much really solid knowledge of the theology of non-Christian religions; it usually isn't something that they know enough about to feel able to judge. IME, they are dealing from a place of personal comfort and a knowledge of their own theology, which tells them that a "good Christian" is going to refrain from breaking any of the Ten Commandments, including the ones that prohibit lying and sex out of wedlock. (And that is as far as I'm going to go down this track, lest I get into trouble.)

 

[Jennasis]

I'm really sorry, but what?

Dang you auto correct!

 

[golfgal]

Okay, since this came up AGAIN (so it is not you alone at all but has been said over and over in this thread) and since my DD14 has been harping on it coming up over and over since she started following the thread yesterday I will ask the question she is unwilling to post (because I can't answer it no matter how often she asks ME ).

WHY do people keep putting "good" and "Christian" together all the time as if they go hand in hand? Do you honestly believe that if a kid attends church and youth group and says a prayer that he is by default then "good." And what do you (general you) mean by good in this case? I think you mean, not horny, not likely to want to have sex or even cop a feel. Maybe you also mean not likely to drink or do drugs or stay out late? WHY is being Christian any sort of guarantee about this and why would not being Christian make someone any more likely to do these things?
Do you think atheist or Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist or whatever kids are really more likely to be horny and act on it than their Christian counterparts?

The whole concept of automatically equating Christian with good implies that you are automatically equating non Christian with bad, which strikes me as horribly discriminatory.

I guess I took it to mean that as a "good Christian" they follow the Christian beliefs of no sex before marriage...that is NOT the case in all religions, especially for MALES in all religions. I didn't interpret it to mean that other religions were bad.

Dang you auto correct!

 

[Scurvy]

WHY do people keep putting "good" and "Christian" together all the time as if they go hand in hand? Do you honestly believe that if a kid attends church and youth group and says a prayer that he is by default then "good." And what do you (general you) mean by good in this case?

Maybe they mean a boy who is good and who is also a Christian, as opposed to someone who is good and also a Pastafarian. (Though I think it would make more sense to say "A good, Christian boy" in that case.) Maybe they mean a boy who is a Good Christian - in other words, someone who is a good example of what they think a Christian is supposed to be. The fact that someone puts those two words together certainly doesn't mean that they think the word "good" can't also be applied to someone else.

 

[BrerMom]

Who considers marriage in high school??

I did. I never dated anyone whom I would be unwilling to marry. Dating (IMO) is to find someone to marry. I can have fun with friends (and I had a lot of boy friends) but dating is another issue.

Ditto, or at least based on what I knew, I thought they could be a potential husband.

 

[ReneeA]

To all of those that insist that their children date/marry within your set of guidelines: What are the consequences if your "good Christian" marries outside your faith? Or comes out?

Do you plan to disown them? Express your displeasure? Cause I gotta tell you...reading on this forum shows how much strife people go through with their inlaws.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I'm sorry, but I have to say, I'm going to discriminate when it comes to sexual orientation and dating. If I'm heterosexual, I'm not going to ask someone who is homosexual on a date. It's a deal-breaker.

It would be a deal breaker for me too, as far as marriage or a serious dating relationship were concerned. But for a couple of high school dances, my date was a gay guy.

This was back in the day when you could only go to a formal dance as a boy/girl couple. No singles, no groups, like they do now.

 

[JamesMom]

Dang you auto correct!

Lol,
Sorry for the crazy post. I have corrected it. Haven't figured my beloved iPad out yet . thanks for putting up with me and my two left thumbs on auto correct.

 

[Coconut36]

I'm sorry, but I have to say, I'm going to discriminate when it comes to sexual orientation and dating. If I'm heterosexual, I'm not going to ask someone who is homosexual on a date. It's a deal-breaker.

As far as dating rules, I'm thankful my offspring are young.

Well yes it does help if your potential date is interested in your gender or not but I think you know what I meant in regards to excluding or refusing to associate with someone for reasons like religion, sexual orientation or race.

ETA-Although I know of situations where a homosexual person will attend an event of some sort with an opposite sex friend as their "date" but there was clear communication between them.

 

[mdsoccermom]

...and how central is Judaism to your identity? How does Judaism define you or does it at all? If Judaism is a "core" basis of your being (and I am making no judgments if it is or not), why would you ever have put yourself in a situation where you would fall in love? That's my entire point.

As a Sephardic Jew, it is VERY central to my identity. It is a huge part of who I am and always has been. But, it is one part of who I am - not the only part. And, as far as relationships go, I have learned to look at the whole person.

And since I've had a successful marriage for 18 years, I think I've done good.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Well yes it does help if your potential date is interested in your gender or not but I think you know what I meant in regards to excluding or refusing to associate with someone for reasons like religion, sexual orientation or race.

ETA-Although I know of situations where a homosexual person will attend an event of some sort with an opposite sex friend as their "date" but there was clear communication between them.

Yes, I get it. I guess I wouldn't call "going as friends" a "date." But hey, thanks for an idea for another fact pattern for an exam question!

 

[punkin]

As a Sephardic Jew, it is VERY central to my identity. It is a huge part of who I am and always has been. But, it is one part of who I am - not the only part. And, as far as relationships go, I have learned to look at the whole person.

And since I've had a successful marriage for 18 years, I think I've done good.

I am glad you are successful in your marriage. It would not have worked for me.