Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[JenM]

This was not your typical "Hollywood" movie, it was produced by the same church that produced Fire Proof and Facing the Giants by Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga. It was produced with a message more specific to fathers, but touched on many other topics as well.

Well, I just saw a movie that was about an absentee father who reconnects with his son after a tragedy and learns how to be a better dad. And it had boxing robots, which made it more awesome.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Well, I just saw a movie that was about an absentee father who reconnects with his son after a tragedy and learns how to be a better dad. And it had boxing robots, which made it more awesome.

We haven't gotten around to seeing that one yet

 

[horseshowmom]

How is a teenager supposed to know what will make someone a suitable marriage partner? How will a parent know what will make someone a suitable parent for their child?

I'm sorry, but a 16 year old will not have the same standards when they are an adult.

What I don't get, is that we don't want our teens to be in a serious relationship because of how, well, serious they can be but some expect them to be able to know if someone is suitable for marriage.

Obvously, somebody that had a tendency to get into trouble, was disrespectful to others, and didn't share the same values wasn't somebody they needed to spend a lot of time with. As someone else mentioned, our daughter's faith was important to her. She (yes, she, not us) always asked guys if they were involved in church. A no answer meant she didn't go out with them. One guy told her yes, and before too long she found out that he seldom went. She broke up with him. Their values were different.

Dating is about getting to know one another better, but there are some things that may be self-evident.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

..there are very bad immoral people who claim they are extremely religious and there are extremely moral, kind people who have no religion (or one that differs from mine as well). My children will always know they should never look away or turn away someone or deem them not "worthy" because of differing beliefs (or race or sexual orientation..etc).

Raise your children to be respectful, honest, kind and loving humans. Raise them to expect the same from their partners. No matter what their race, religion, physical appearance, sex, etc.

Job done.

 

[JenM]

We haven't gotten around to seeing that one yet

It's quite good.

I've seen the trailers for Courageous. No plans to see it (not really my thing), but their box office returns are amazing. That is one smart production company.

 

[JaneBanks]

Obvously, somebody that had a tendency to get into trouble, was disrespectful to others, and didn't share the same values wasn't somebody they needed to spend a lot of time with. As someone else mentioned, our daughter's faith was important to her. She (yes, she, not us) always asked guys if they were involved in church. A no answer meant she didn't go out with them. One guy told her yes, and before too long she found out that he seldom went. She broke up with him. Their values were different.

Dating is about getting to know one another better, but there are some things that may be self-evident.

Well, of course I don't expect that someone should date a guy who gets in to trouble, etc.but that's where the trust in your child comes in.

I, personally, just don't think a teen is capable of knowing, truly, who is suitable for marriage and who is not. What I mean by that is "the deep down, I know you're the one for me" knowing. Yes, I know high school sweethearts work out, my best friend is an example. She started dating her husband when she was 15 but they dated for over 13 years before marrying and they broke for 2 (in their 20's) years to "find themselves". They took their time, and matured emotionally together.

Basically, my point is, I don't feel a teen is emotionally mature enough to really know what it means to find the "one".

 

[Acklander]

I haven't seen the movie, but as a mom of boys would I also be expected to interview the girl before my son asked her out?
Personally, it seems like a lot of work for something casual. What if the first date didn't go well, would you be expected to go through the whole horse and pony show again the following week?
When my oldest started dating, it was usually just someone from school, so he had a pretty good idea of what type of person they were before asking them out. I know he had a MUCH better idea than I would have had after a dinner/grilling session. Usually, I'd meet her for the first time in a casual setting like at a football game or something and he'd bring her over to introduce her to us. If they were still dating a few months later then we'd usually start seeing her more often (I.e. Inviting them out to dinner with us, or he'd bring her along to a family party or whatever) it always seemed to work out fine and no STD's or teen pregnancies here. There was an occasional heartbreak on one end or the other, but I always figured that was just part of growing up. Everyone goes through it, and my interviewing particular dates before hand wouldn't change the outcome. He, at age 27, is currently dating a very nice girl, that he had worked with for a while. They've been going on for about a year now, and I'm very happy for them both.
To be honest, the only "dating mistake" that I think he made (and he agrees) involved a girl with an overly controlling mother. He got tired of the girls mom always butting in, and trying to change him, that he felt ganged up on, and even though he initially loved this girl very much, in the end he figured it was easier to just walk away and find someone who accepted him for who he was.

I sometimes think people need to occasionally date the wrong person to help them see the right person when they come along. That might be difficult with an interview process to start.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

It's quite good.

I've seen the trailers for Courageous. No plans to see it (not really my thing), but their box office returns are amazing. That is one smart production company.

Maybe I can see it this coming weekend, DH really wants to see it too.

Courageous was a great movie and will make you think. They do hit on topics from real life with religion thrown in there, but it can be overlooked.

 

[JaneBanks]

I sometimes think people need to occasionally date the wrong person to help them see the right person when they come along. That might be difficult with an interview process to start.

I agree. When I met my DH, I knew he was the one for me because he treated me like no other boyfriend ever did. I knew he was different and special because I knew what being treated badly or just average, felt like.

 

[ReneeA]

DH and I are trying our very best to instill a good moral compass in our children. We take them to church, we volunteer often at a soup kitchen and food bank, and we discuss with them their responsibilities as human beings.

By the time they are ready to date, my plan is to have them prepared to make their own decisions about their potential suitors. I rabidly hope that they don't pigeonhole anyone based on their race, religion, or background. I have learned more in my life by being exposed to people different from myself and I would be so sad if they chose to close doors because people have different beliefs than their own.

Therefore I will not be one to quiz any dates about their beliefs and their "intentions" toward my children. I'm going to stay positive and believe that all wish to go out and get to know my kids a little better while enjoying themselves...and I'm going to have faith that I've raised intelligent kids that can make their own decisions about who they wish to spend time with. I plan to apply this to every aspect of their life and allow them to make their own decisions about where they want to go to college, what they want to do for a living, if they want to get married (or not), if they want to love men or women, if they want to live nearby or move away, if they want to have children, if they want to do anything not the "norm"...all of those things are their decisions to make and I will mind my own business and just lend them an ear and support when they ask.

 

[SaraJayne]

This is precisely how I feel about it. Why make a relationship more difficult than it has to be?

Putting an expectation of possible marriage on every single date makes it way more difficult and more pressure than it needs to be.

 

[horseshowmom]

Well, of course I don't expect that someone should date a guy who gets in to trouble, etc.but that's where the trust in your child comes in.

I, personally, just don't think a teen is capable of knowing, truly, who is suitable for marriage and who is not. What I mean by that is "the deep down, I know you're the one for me" knowing. Yes, I know high school sweethearts work out, my best friend is an example. She started dating her husband when she was 15 but they dated for over 13 years before marrying and they broke for 2 (in their 20's) years to "find themselves". They took their time, and matured emotionally together.

Basically, my point is, I don't feel a teen is emotionally mature enough to really know what it means to find the "one".

To a point, we actually agree. When I say dating someone who would actually be suitable to marry, I don't mean that they are looking at each person as whether this is the person I'm going to marry. Quite the contrary! I don't think teen relationships should be that serious to start with.

What I'm basically saying is that there are some individuals who are obviously NOT suitable. Personally, I dated some of those "not suitable" types (and I was pretty level headed). Sometimes teens make bad choices about who they date and wind up involved with people that are not suitable for them with disastrous results. I don't mean you can't have relationships that don't turn out well - everybody has that happen, it's part of the growth process.

 

[punkin]

Putting an expectation of possible marriage on every single date makes it way more difficult than it needs to be.

I am obviously not coming across clearly. There was never any expectation of marriage. Obviously I was not going to marry the first person I dated, but there was always the possibility that a date might lead to marriage. Why would I spend any time and energy on a boy that I wouldn't marry in a million years?

 

[wvjules]

I am obviously not coming across clearly. There was never any expectation of marriage. Obviously I was not going to marry the first person I dated, but there was always the possibility that a date might lead to marriage. Why would I spend any time and energy on a boy that I wouldn't marry in a million years?

Because you're 16 and dating is supposed to be fun.

 

[RitaE]

Honestly, everybody I've ever known who feels that strongly about same faith marriage and dating only specific types controlled the issue by sending their children to the Church school or home schooling and basically limiting their children's dating pool to that walled in community/youth group.

It seems like if these issues are that important to you, your effort is going to be far better spent convincing your children that they should only romantically socialize within a set of standards. If your daughter knows that only certain boys are going to pass muster, then she really needn't bring others around for the application process. If your daughter's date is already known to you via the youth group/church etc, then you really don't need to perform a background check in order to send them to the movies - right?

In the end, if your children don't see your logic (and don't agree with your standards) all of your fussing about what their dates should and shouldn't be are going to be for nothing. The instant one of your kids gets loose, they'll do what they want anyway.

 

[punkin]

Because you're 16 and dating is supposed to be fun.

and you can't have fun with people you might be willing to marry?

 

[FireDancer]

and you can't have fun with people you might be willing to marry?

I think, personally, you should have fun and date around casually for a while before figuring out who you want to marry later in life. I wouldn't want to be dating the last person I ever will at 16.

 

[SaraJayne]

I am obviously not coming across clearly. There was never any expectation of marriage. Obviously I was not going to marry the first person I dated, but there was always the possibility that a date might lead to marriage. Why would I spend any time and energy on a boy that I wouldn't marry in a million years?

Because it's fun?

 

[wvjules]

and you can't have fun with people you might be willing to marry?

Gosh, No!


At 16 the goal is to have fun with a boy/girl you like. I can't think many teenagers date someone with the intention of marrying them.

My DD has been dating the same boy for about 6 months. I hope she's not thinking about marriage.

 

[VickiVM]

Bottom line...as parents of dating teenagers, our biggest fear is that their relationship will lead to sex. Simple. Not because we think our kids are bad, but because we all know how powerful hormones can be.

Getting to know the kids your teens are dating is not a bad thing. Setting boundaries are helpful, but we all walk a fine line of where to draw those boundaries because we still want our kids to have healthy relationships.

I personally like 16 as an age for alone-dating. I also would like to meet the kids my kids are dating. Doesn't have to be an interrogation, but just so that they see I am a parent involved with my kids' lives. Like I told my 17 year old son yesterday when we were having a conversation about him not wanting his younger sisters to date because boys were "hormonal", as he puts it - I told him to always remember that the girl he dates is someone's daughter whose well-being is just as important to her parents as our daughters' well-being is to us. If he had to meet the parents of a girl he wants to date, I would encourage him to do so.