Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[Maryr1]

My elderly Aunt passed away earlier this year. She lived in a group home, was mentally ill and had not seen any of us (her nephews and neices)in 25 years. Her 2 siblings (my father and other Aunt) predeceased her-my father by 30 years and her sister by 3 or 4 months. Her sister had not seen her in 25 years either. It was her choice to not have contact with anyone. Her sister was her "next of kin" and really did not share her information with my side of the family-always being very vague when asked. My aunt was moved a number of times and after her sister passed away my cousin had a difficult time even locating her. She passed away and the home had a number for my dead aunt and called there, getting hold of my cousin. While we were all raised catholic and some of us are still active, my Aunt had not practiced her religion in years as far as we knew. My cousin decided to have the full wake (which was attended by myself, my sister, my mother, and 2 of my cousins-the home brought 2 or 3 residents in the afternoon before we got there). We just sat around and talked about "old times". We had the mass at the church we had attended 30+ years ago with my grandmother and aunt. The priest had never met my aunt, never even heard my aunt.......it was a lovely mass by a wonderful sensitive young priest. We buried my aunt with love and dignity in the religion in which she was born into. I honestly feel we did the right thing for her. I have no regrets......

 

[duffy]

Would you not do something your loved one wanted, to cut cost?


MY MIL has written notes for 20 years about the precise things she wants for her funeral. There is little $$ left-so some costs will be taken by us and his sis.
Basically, everyone in her generation has died off, and she always wanted a big Catholic Mass at church. Moree and more we see prople having the service at the very nice Chapel at the funeral home.
Noone in our family practices the Catholic Faith, except Sis(not her DH or her kids or spouces) -so there will be noone to read scripture-or bring gifts to altar or even take Communion


So would we be wrong to have a smaller service in the Funeral Home Chapel?

My Aunt had a Mass in the funeral home , and she and family are very devout Catholics

In your original post, you say that she wants to have a full Mass at church. So you have a full Mass at church!

 

[buffettgirl]

My Aunt had a Mass in the funeral home , and she and family are very devout Catholics

It's possible it was a Funeral Service, but not a full mass. It's very unlikely that they'd hold a mass inside a funeral home unless there was some extremely good reason to do so. Like when Mass was said at the Poly - there was good reason, it was to serve the needs of thousands of Catholics. Or when Mass is said in the desert in Iraq in a trailer. But it's unlikely that a regular, ordinary funeral would get the needed dispensation to have a mass in a funeral home.

 

[MartyM]

I think that any request for money to be spent after my death is selfish and silly. I hope that my body will either be burnt (but that costs $$ which I'd pay before I died) or washed by my loved ones at home, and lie in state at my house for a day or two. Really, if I don't live at home, I think that I'd rather just be buried or burnt and dropped in my hole in the ground.

I wish that laws didn't require caskets and vaults. I'd rather just be dropped in a hole for worm food.

 

[Swan4Me]

It's possible it was a Funeral Service, but not a full mass. It's very unlikely that they'd hold a mass inside a funeral home unless there was some extremely good reason to do so. Like when Mass was said at the Poly - there was good reason, it was to serve the needs of thousands of Catholics. Or when Mass is said in the desert in Iraq in a trailer. But it's unlikely that a regular, ordinary funeral would get the needed dispensation to have a mass in a funeral home.

That is interesting. I live in a very Catholic area and the two big funeral homes here have a full Chapel-that looks like a church.
There were readings and a priest and Communion was served-I though it was a Mass

 

[buffettgirl]

That is interesting. I live in a very Catholic area and the two big funeral homes here have a full Chapel-that looks like a church.
There were readings and a priest and Communion was served-I though it was a Mass

having communion does not make it a Mass.

 

[Dustykins]

That is interesting. I live in a very Catholic area and the two big funeral homes here have a full Chapel-that looks like a church.
There were readings and a priest and Communion was served-I though it was a Mass

I think the big thing you're missing here is *community*. A church is more than just a building. It's another family, it's a *home*. Even if you can have an actual mass in a funeral home chapel, there's no history there, no belonging. Likely that is almost as important to her as the mass itself.

Plus, while in some places there are general dispensations from the bishop for masses outside of churches, that is a fairly recent thing and an older generation (even if she only came to the Church 30 years ago) might not recognize that as valid. There are places that I'm aware of where Masses are said but they do not have weddings or funerals there, because those are meant to be performed in a parish setting - in a community of believers.

 

[MrsPete]

I think that any request for money to be spent after my death is selfish and silly. I hope that my body will either be burnt (but that costs $$ which I'd pay before I died) or washed by my loved ones at home, and lie in state at my house for a day or two. Really, if I don't live at home, I think that I'd rather just be buried or burnt and dropped in my hole in the ground.

I wish that laws didn't require caskets and vaults. I'd rather just be dropped in a hole for worm food.

I'Ve become interested in this topic because of this thread, and I can say with certainty that the law does not require caskets or vaults. Your family must get a death certificate for you, which involves either a doctor (if you die in a hospital) or a medical examiner if you die at home, and they must do certain legal things with those certificates -- file one with the Registrar of Deeds, for example.

But your family can care for your body, then wrap you in a pretty quilt and throw you in a hole . . . If they own the land upon which to do it, and if the health officials say that it's a safe place. Most of us live in suburbs, and we don't have the space. So that leaves us with church and public cemeteries, and THEY require caskets and vaults.

 

[duffy]

But your family can care for your body, then wrap you in a pretty quilt and throw you in a hole . . . If they own the land upon which to do it, and if the health officials say that it's a safe place. Most of us live in suburbs, and we don't have the space. So that leaves us with church and public cemeteries, and THEY require caskets and vaults.

But if your family member doesn't want you to do that, in fact wants very much the OPPOSITE, and you don't honor their wishes because you think it's too expensive, that's pretty damn low.

 

[NYCDiane]

I'Ve become interested in this topic because of this thread, and I can say with certainty that the law does not require caskets or vaults. Your family must get a death certificate for you, which involves either a doctor (if you die in a hospital) or a medical examiner if you die at home, and they must do certain legal things with those certificates -- file one with the Registrar of Deeds, for example.

But your family can care for your body, then wrap you in a pretty quilt and throw you in a hole . . . If they own the land upon which to do it, and if the health officials say that it's a safe place. Most of us live in suburbs, and we don't have the space. So that leaves us with church and public cemeteries, and THEY require caskets and vaults.

I'm not sure where you live, but I'm pretty sure this is illegal/against health code violations in most of the country.

 

[NYCDiane]

But if your family member doesn't want you to do that, in fact wants very much the OPPOSITE, and you don't honor their wishes because you think it's too expensive, that's pretty damn low.

If someone wants their wishes honored, then they should up the bucks to pay for it. How low and selfish is it to expect people to lay out thousands and thousands of dollars for a lavish funeral??????

If you know what you want, you need to make those plans IN ADVANCE and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF so you don't leave that burden to family members (whether they can or can't afford it)

 

[Dustykins]

I'm not sure where you live, but I'm pretty sure this is illegal/against health code violations in most of the country.

I don't think that is true. I'm reasonably certain that in most states using a funeral home is not required, nor is embalming (unless there are special circumstances). I'm sure there are regulations as to *where* this is possible (i.e. not near the water supply) and many cemeteries require vaults which makes this kind of pointless, but I *do* know there are "green cemeteries" across the country where no casket is used.

 

[duffy]

If someone wants their wishes honored, then they should up the bucks to pay for it. How low and selfish is it to expect people to lay out thousands and thousands of dollars for a lavish funeral??????

If you know what you want, you need to make those plans IN ADVANCE and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF so you don't leave that burden to family members (whether they can or can't afford it)

Can you show me anything that says a Catholic Mass in church will cost thousands and thousands? That's what the woman wants.

 

[mdsoccermom]

That is interesting. I live in a very Catholic area and the two big funeral homes here have a full Chapel-that looks like a church.
There were readings and a priest and Communion was served-I though it was a Mass

This just shows that you have no right to be making religious decisions on behalf of your MIL.

 

[teller80]

I think that any request for money to be spent after my death is selfish and silly. I hope that my body will either be burnt (but that costs $$ which I'd pay before I died) or washed by my loved ones at home, and lie in state at my house for a day or two. Really, if I don't live at home, I think that I'd rather just be buried or burnt and dropped in my hole in the ground.

I wish that laws didn't require caskets and vaults. I'd rather just be dropped in a hole for worm food.

Google "green burial", I think thats the term for where you don't get embalmed and just get buried in the earth. I would be happy with that too.

 

[crisi]

This just shows that you have no right to be making religious decisions on behalf of your MIL.

It possibly was a mass. I've been to mass in hotel conference rooms when there was a Church down the street.

(Most priests shy from performing marriages outside a church building, but I suspect its more of a control the bridezilla thing - although my cousin was married in a Mass by a priest at a country club)

Canon Law:

THE TIME AND PLACE OF THE CELEBRATION OF THE EUCHARIST

Can. 931 The celebration and distribution of the Eucharist can be done at any day and hour except those which the liturgical norms exclude.

Can. 932 §1. The eucharistic celebration is to be carried out in a sacred place unless in a particular case necessity requires otherwise; in such a case the celebration must be done in a decent place.

§2. The eucharistic sacrifice must be carried out on a dedicated or blessed altar; outside a sacred place a suitable table can be used, always with a cloth and a corporal.

Can. 933 For a just cause and with the express permission of the local ordinary, a priest is permitted to celebrate the Eucharist in the place of worship of some Church or ecclesial community which does not have full communion with the Catholic Church so long as there is no scandal.

 

[mdsoccermom]

It possibly was a mass. I've been to mass in hotel conference rooms when there was a Church down the street.

(Most priests shy from performing marriages outside a church building, but I suspect its more of a control the bridezilla thing - although my cousin was married in a Mass by a priest at a country club)

Canon Law:

THE TIME AND PLACE OF THE CELEBRATION OF THE EUCHARIST

Can. 931 The celebration and distribution of the Eucharist can be done at any day and hour except those which the liturgical norms exclude.

Can. 932 §1. The eucharistic celebration is to be carried out in a sacred place unless in a particular case necessity requires otherwise; in such a case the celebration must be done in a decent place.

§2. The eucharistic sacrifice must be carried out on a dedicated or blessed altar; outside a sacred place a suitable table can be used, always with a cloth and a corporal.

Can. 933 For a just cause and with the express permission of the local ordinary, a priest is permitted to celebrate the Eucharist in the place of worship of some Church or ecclesial community which does not have full communion with the Catholic Church so long as there is no scandal.

Perhaps it was. Perhaps it wasn't. The fact that the OP just assumed it was and couldn't tell for sure says to me that she has a lack of understanding of her MIL's religion. Therefore, she has no business making any religious decisions (not that she should be a part of this process in the first place).

 

[HayGan]

If someone wants their wishes honored, then they should up the bucks to pay for it. How low and selfish is it to expect people to lay out thousands and thousands of dollars for a lavish funeral??????

If you know what you want, you need to make those plans IN ADVANCE and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF so you don't leave that burden to family members (whether they can or can't afford it)

I couldn't agree more. If it is something you want then you should pay for it and plan it yourself!

I was raised Roman Catholic and I am quite sure that there aren't any specific requirements to enter the Kingdom of Heaven that say you must have a church mass and lavish funeral upon your death! My sister's service was held at the funeral home and a mass dedicated to her at the church. I'm positive she is flying around in Heaven right now

 

[Swan4Me]

Perhaps it was. Perhaps it wasn't. The fact that the OP just assumed it was and couldn't tell for sure says to me that she has a lack of understanding of her MIL's religion. Therefore, she has no business making any religious decisions (not that she should be a part of this process in the first place).

Actually, i was a Catholic and stopped attending ...my brother was a priest, my Mom worked for the diocese for years, so I fell somewhat knowledgeable. It seemed like a full Mass in the Chapel of the Funeral Home for my Aunt.
Its the transfers from point A to B that the Funeral home add more $$....I was just trying to save time anmd expense by suggesting it in the Chapel.

My Dh and i will be the one paying for what his Mom;s small policy doesnt cover, thus my interest (his sis -the only practicing Catholic, cant afford it. And we know that for the multitude of things DH and I have paid for in the last years (with love for my MIL)-the Ramp for MIL to get in her house, her Dryer etc)

 

[cajunmommy]

That is interesting. I live in a very Catholic area and the two big funeral homes here have a full Chapel-that looks like a church.
There were readings and a priest and Communion was served-I though it was a Mass

This is why you really need to have DH, DSIL, & DMIL all head to the funeral home & have her pre-plan! The concerns you have about cost might be for naught.

The funeral planners & parish priest will be able to walk you through the deep-rooted Catholic traditions & quirky LA laws (like no purchasing caskets on-line or through COSTCO), and give you specific answers, not the generalizations offered here.