Could / Should you give up on your adult child?

[Papa Deuce]

Situation in my wife's family.

Her brother and SIL have a 30 year old son living at home. He has always lived there - rent free. At age 28 the son was diagnosed as bi- polar. Much of what I say here happened before he was diagnosed, but some is current to today. The parents have NEVER made this guy take responsibility for anything...

1. Several times in and out of drug / alchohol rehab.

2. Arrested for stealing and using his sister's credit cards.

3. Caught in the act stealing cash from at least 2 relatives, and many more relatives "think" he has stolen from them. ( We won't even let him in our home )

4. Had his car repo'd, yet always has $$$ for beer, pot, and other drugs.... but he really doesn't have a job, so where is he getting the money?


OK, my take... first off, if he were my kid, he would have had to be accountable at a much earlier age, and no way would he have been living with me rent free his whole life. Probably not even if he was paying rent.

My opinion is that is long past time to cut the parental ties... you can only do so much.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would never give up on my child. It is very easy to say what you would do and what they are "doing wrong" but you are not in their position. You have no idea what really goes on day to day in their home. You might say that you would have taught your child to be responsible etc. but at the end of the day you do the best you possibly can and know how and then hope more than anything that when the time comes they make the right choice.

 

[hereyago]

In your Sil's case, they made him essentially what he is today, so theyshould let him stay there. It should be interesting when they get older for them to realize that their beloved son won't be doing anything to help them let alone help himself.

 

[golfgal]

I don't know that "give up on" is the right phrase but I certainly would have kicked him out of the house and made him fend for himself a LONG time ago. The parents are just as bad as the kid if they continue to allow this behavior.

 

[KandD]

Well I don't know if this will help or not but here goes...

DBF and I live together. At the beginning of the summer his cousin moved in with us. Pretty much everything you listed about your nephew I could say about the cousin (although I don't know if he has been actually dianosed with bipolar several family members tell me that it runs on his father's side of the family and he "acts" like it). His mother lives in another state and his father lives here. His mother pays his car insurance as well as taxes, registration, etc. His dad now lets him live with him rent free (his living here did NOT work out).

I didn't know him very well before he moved in but I will tell you what was VERY apparent to me, the ENTIRE family enables him. They excuse his obnoxious behavior (including racist remarks which do NOT fly with me), bail him out literally and figuratively, and never EVER hold him responsible for his actions or behavior. If I were him I wouldn't change either!! Why would he change?? He lives rent free, has other people pay his bills, he BLAMES his family for his misfortunes and tribulations in life (including drug use and alcoholism) and everyone just puts a smile on their face and lets him be. Honestly, I think they are just as much of a problem as he is. But I imagine as a parent it is different, although I do not think they are doing him ANY favors treating him as if he is not responsible for any of his actions.

I forgot to add...the cousin is 32.

 

[minkydog]

Well, here's a question in which I have some expertise! My DS23 was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago. Since he graduated HS he has decided to be unmedicated and for the most part has done okay. He lived in our basement until last August, when he decided he didn't like to live within the rules. What rules? Clean your room, do your laundry, pay rent or work off rent with chores such as ripping out carpet, clean out gutters, move big bushes around, mow lawn and trim roses. He lost his job in February and has made very little attempt to get another one, preferring to live off unemployment, playing video games all night long, and sleeping all day. He was becoming more belligerent, more sensitive, and depressed, but he steadfastly refused to get treatment. We tried to work with him, let him get by since he wasn't working, and basically allowed him to mooch off of us. (not proud of that!) It came to a head one night when he had a tantrum over the rules and left in a huff. He has not had any contact with us since.

This has been very hard on us, as we never wanted to have a broken relationship with our son. However, allowing him to use us and enabling him to live like an adolescent wasn't doing him or us any good thing. MY DH has two relatives, his uncle and his own father, who lived off his grandmother until she died at age 97. We did NOT want to go down that road.

Tough love is hard, but at 28 (or 23) these grown men are not without resources. They're not children who need to be cared for. Just because the parents have let it go on for years doesn't mean they are helpless to change the situation. Believe me, when life gets difficult enough for these men they will FIND a way. We had to understand that we had to push this man-child out of the nest for his benefit and for ours. I must say, our lives have been so much calmer and less turbulent since DS has been gone. Although we're sad that he left under those circumstance, we know it was the right thing to do.

 

[N.Bailey]

I do think when you make excuses for your child, you're setting them up for failure, but no, I wouldn't give up on my child.

This would come down to tough love for me though. It's not easy, but it needs to be done. I'm not saying you start by kicking them to the curb. If you turn a blind eye to everything else though, it may come to that for your own sanity.

Everyone makes mistakes. The thing that's important is for us to lean from them. If one keeps falling back into the same pattern of behavior, you then need to re-evaluate how much you can tolerate. If they refuse to change, then you might be forced to make some difficult decisions. That's not giving up on them IMO. It's finally growing a backbone and letting them become responsible for themselves.

EDIT: You can never decide to become a parent 15-20 years in though either. If you want any influence, you better be there from day 1.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree the phrase 'giving up' is probably not the right words for the situation. Like Minky I have a dd who just does not get the whole idea of what it is to be an adult. She wants the privileges of being an adult, oh like buying beer now that she is 21 and partying with her friends..but rules and rent and stuff like that. Why, she is just a kid...at least that is what she says. She has moved out, moved back in, moved out and moved back in. I am serious when I say I am more her problem than she is herself. I just can't stand not knowing that she is safe. The good news is that I think I can handle it after a year of her being back here. She needs to go out into that great big world and live with the rules like the rest of us do...hopefully it will help her figure it all out.

And yes, I do think the parents have made their bed or maybe feel badly because of his condition. I have an aunt who is bipolar and I can say only that if he is taking his meds, noone would really know but him. There are many many people walking around in the real world with jobs and families that are bipolar. So its a cop out if that is why they are doing it!

Kelly

 

[quentina]

Bi-polar is a hard one....if you do not take your meds and be monitored, it is not contolled. Many crazy things take place.....

 

[Feralpeg]

A very good friend of mine wrote the following article. It describes how he and his wife have come to terms with their son who is a drug addict. I've known this family for a very long time and their son is the same age as my daughter. It is tough, but something all parents need to think about.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/

 

[java]

As someone that has a bipolar brother I would never give up on him. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

HOWEVER all the items you posted are keyed into his drug abuse. The stealing is all to pay for his drugs. Sounds like he needs Rehab as well as Psychiatric help.

It's a long long road to recover on just Bipolar. Thankfully my brother never got into drugs and is now symptom free and medicine free- he's holistic at this point and hasn't had an incident in 10 years. I am very very proud of him.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Under what circumstances would YOU turn one of YOUR daughters out on the street knowing she had been diagnosed with a difficult MEDICAL condition that contributed (I realize he has to take responsibility as well but lets look at the whole picture) to her seeming inability to handle her own life. No, seriously. Would you? Could you turn your back on your child? He needs treatment that will help him stay on his meds and be independent, not people who think he's bum Who are you to judge him or his family for trying to help?

 

[Shugardrawers]

Well, here's a question in which I have some expertise! My DS23 was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago. Since he graduated HS he has decided to be unmedicated and for the most part has done okay. He lived in our basement until last August, when he decided he didn't like to live within the rules. What rules? Clean your room, do your laundry, pay rent or work off rent with chores such as ripping out carpet, clean out gutters, move big bushes around, mow lawn and trim roses. He lost his job in February and has made very little attempt to get another one, preferring to live off unemployment, playing video games all night long, and sleeping all day. He was becoming more belligerent, more sensitive, and depressed, but he steadfastly refused to get treatment. We tried to work with him, let him get by since he wasn't working, and basically allowed him to mooch off of us. (not proud of that!) It came to a head one night when he had a tantrum over the rules and left in a huff. He has not had any contact with us since.

This has been very hard on us, as we never wanted to have a broken relationship with our son. However, allowing him to use us and enabling him to live like an adolescent wasn't doing him or us any good thing. MY DH has two relatives, his uncle and his own father, who lived off his grandmother until she died at age 97. We did NOT want to go down that road.

Tough love is hard, but at 28 (or 23) these grown men are not without resources. They're not children who need to be cared for. Just because the parents have let it go on for years doesn't mean they are helpless to change the situation. Believe me, when life gets difficult enough for these men they will FIND a way. We had to understand that we had to push this man-child out of the nest for his benefit and for ours. I must say, our lives have been so much calmer and less turbulent since DS has been gone. Although we're sad that he left under those circumstance, we know it was the right thing to do.

I do want to say Minky, that as the caregivers of your son, this is a choice you had to make and you were right. I don't think anyone outside the immediate family has the right to make judgments about the situation. I hope things get much better for you and your son

 

[DVC Sadie]

Having a bipolar diagnosis does not mean that a young adult should not be responsible for their behavior.

If the person chooses not to take the prescribed medication then that is their choice but other family members should not enable them.

It sounds as if the young man is using his bipolar disorder as an excuse to not take his meds and would rather self medicate by drinking and doing other recreational drugs.

No one is doing him any favors and unless the parents or other relatives are going to support this young man for the rest of their lives both financially and emotionally then they need to do something asap.

 

[minkydog]

I do want to say Minky, that as the caregivers of your son, this is a choice you had to make and you were right. I don't think anyone outside the immediate family has the right to make judgments about the situation. I hope things get much better for you and your son

Thank you, Shug. You get it. We gave this young man everything, therapy, doctors, two hospitalizations, all in an effort to get him stable. As an adult, he chooses to be unmedicated and as you know, you cannot force an adult to take medication or receive treatment. They have to want it and be willing to work it.

Having a bipolar diagnosis does not mean that a young adult should not be responsible for their behavior.

If the person chooses not to take the prescribed medication then that is their choice but other family members should not enable them.

It sounds as if the young man is using his bipolar disorder as an excuse to not take his meds and would rather self medicate by drinking and doing other recreational drugs.

No one is doing him any favors and unless the parents or other relatives are going to support this young man for the rest of their lives both financially and emotionally then they need to do something asap.

I agree 100%. No one wants to give up on their child, not even if he is a grown mentally ill drug user. Maybe especially if he's a mentally ill drug user. But parents cannot MAKE an adult stay on their meds or give up drugs. And by allowing him to continue by providing him with room, food, and money they are actually PROVIDING him with the means to continue his destructive lifestyle. Just because your grown child has a mental illness or addiction does NOT mean you have to put up with all their business, especially as it destroys the harmony of your home. There comes a point at which we say "Enough already! Take your show on the road!"

 

[BelleWDW]

A co-worker of mine continues to enable her 28 year old son.
Drugs, prison twice and the excuse is always his illness-he has very bad diabetes. Most of her paycheck goes for meds for him

She put her foot down in Sept and enrolled him in community college to be a machinist. She was bubbly for about 2 weeks, Now she never mentions the school, so I'm guessing he's back to his old ways and she continues to feed , house and give him$$

 

[java]

Having a bipolar diagnosis does not mean that a young adult should not be responsible for their behavior.

If the person chooses not to take the prescribed medication then that is their choice but other family members should not enable them.

It sounds as if the young man is using his bipolar disorder as an excuse to not take his meds and would rather self medicate by drinking and doing other recreational drugs.

No one is doing him any favors and unless the parents or other relatives are going to support this young man for the rest of their lives both financially and emotionally then they need to do something asap.

I don't mean any disrespect- but do you know anyone bipolar? Logic and circumstances are not in their vocabulary. They are in the moment.

The meds for Bipolar turn you basically into a zombie. It was heartbreaking watching my brother on them. He would just stare into space- talk to me saying he knew he loved me but he couldn't feel it. He didn't have any feelings anymore.
He said he'd rather feel bad than not feel anything.

He didn't just say "I'm not taking these anymore" He started changing his diet. He took up Yoga. He really changed almost all the things he did. He changed his "regular".
While he hasn't had any incidents in 10 years- his struggle isn't over. And it why I am so very proud of the way he gets through his days. He is happily married and has 2 beautiful children. Something I never imagined possible when he was in the middle of his crisis.

I think in OP's situation you are dealing with 2 different issues. His relative is an addict. That also is bipolar. The ADDICT part is the one being ignored.
I don't blame you Pop for not wanting him in your home. He's an addict. Which will only magnify his bipolar behaviours. I'm sorry.

 

[FireDancer]

Every situation is different and a mental disorder doesn't make it easier, but maybe the child in question just needs a good role model. I say this because of a situation in my own family.

Growing up we didn't have the best home life and my youngest brother turned to drugs and alcohol in his teens. He was out of control, had 3 DUIs before his 22nd birthday and had no real job prospects long term. He was not good at school so college was out of the question and working in the kitchen of a chain restaurant wasn't really going anywhere.

At 23 he started working with a family friend. This friend was about my dad's age and became a father figure for my brother. His son was also a drug addict and pretty much ran away from home. My brother felt like he had no father and this person felt like he had no son. He became a great mentor for my brother. He tough him a trade and hired him as an apprentice. Unfortunately one day as they were working this man dropped dead. Not only did my brother turn himself around so he wouldn't disappoint his person but he taught my brother a trade that has allowed him to make a living.

I don't know if this is at all relevant but it is all I've got.

 

[minkydog]

I don't mean any disrespect- but do you know anyone bipolar? Logic and circumstances are not in their vocabulary. They are in the moment.

The meds for Bipolar turn you basically into a zombie. It was heartbreaking watching my brother on them. He would just stare into space- talk to me saying he knew he loved me but he couldn't feel it. He didn't have any feelings anymore.
He said he'd rather feel bad than not feel anything.

He didn't just say "I'm not taking these anymore" He started changing his diet. He took up Yoga. He really changed almost all the things he did. He changed his "regular".
While he hasn't had any incidents in 10 years- his struggle isn't over. And it why I am so very proud of the way he gets through his days. He is happily married and has 2 beautiful children. Something I never imagined possible when he was in the middle of his crisis.

I think in OP's situation you are dealing with 2 different issues. His relative is an addict. That also is bipolar. The ADDICT part is the one being ignored.
I don't blame you Pop for not wanting him in your home. He's an addict. Which will only magnify his bipolar behaviours. I'm sorry.

I beg to differ with you. This may have been your brother's experience, but plenty of people who have bipolar live with it and work everyday. Most of them take medication, but to say they all turn to zombies is simply not true. They take their meds so that they DONT act different, so that they can cope with the difficulties of their lives. I do agree, I think the addiction is the bigger problem. This man is medicating his bipolar disorder with street drugs.

I have bipolar disorder myself and I will tell you, it is not easy. But I stay in close contact with my doctors, take my meds as ordered, and I guarantee you no one would ever know, other than my family. As I see it, it is my obligation to my family to do the best of my ability to stay stable, to be productive, and to keep up my recovery, and to seek treatment as soon as I realize there is an episode coming on. I do my best to get them nipped in the bud before they get out of hand. There is no room for excuses in my life. I may have bipolar, but bipolar does not have me.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I don't mean any disrespect- but do you know anyone bipolar? Logic and circumstances are not in their vocabulary. They are in the moment.

The meds for Bipolar turn you basically into a zombie. It was heartbreaking watching my brother on them. He would just stare into space- talk to me saying he knew he loved me but he couldn't feel it. He didn't have any feelings anymore.
He said he'd rather feel bad than not feel anything.

He didn't just say "I'm not taking these anymore" He started changing his diet. He took up Yoga. He really changed almost all the things he did. He changed his "regular".
While he hasn't had any incidents in 10 years- his struggle isn't over. And it why I am so very proud of the way he gets through his days. He is happily married and has 2 beautiful children. Something I never imagined possible when he was in the middle of his crisis.

I think in OP's situation you are dealing with 2 different issues. His relative is an addict. That also is bipolar. The ADDICT part is the one being ignored.
I don't blame you Pop for not wanting him in your home. He's an addict. Which will only magnify his bipolar behaviours. I'm sorry.

Yes, I have known quite a few bipolar (manic depressives). They did a study which showed that a lot of very successful people are manic depressives, a lot of CFOs, CEOs etc....


Most of the people I have known with this disorder did not like taking any medication while in a manic state because it "slowed them down". When medication is adjusted properly the person should not be in a zombie state.

With any illness be it physical or mental most people do need to find a new "regular" or what constitutes a new normal for them to be able to function well in society.

Of course there are some mental health diseases that do require hospitalizations from time to time, with some illnesses requiring very long stays.