Could / Should you give up on your adult child?

[DVC Sadie]

I beg to differ with you. This may have been your brother's experience, but plenty of people who have bipolar live with it and work everyday. Most of them take medication, but to say they all turn to zombies is simply not true. They take their meds so that they DONT act different, so that they can cope with the difficulties of their lives. I do agree, I think the addiction is the bigger problem. This man is medicating his bipolar disorder with street drugs.

I have bipolar disorder myself and I will tell you, it is not easy. But I stay in close contact with my doctors, take my meds as ordered, and I guarantee you no one would ever know, other than my family. As I see it, it is my obligation to my family to do the best of my ability to stay stable, to be productive, and to keep up my recovery, and to seek treatment as soon as I realize there is an episode coming on. I do my best to get them nipped in the bud before they get out of hand. There is no room for excuses in my life. I may have bipolar, but bipolar does not have me.

We posted at the same time, and you are 100% correct. With medication and a good doctor there is no need for someone with this disorder to suffer. I applaud how you choose to handle your disease and not allowing the disease to take over your life.

 

[Minniemama350]

Thank you, Shug. You get it. We gave this young man everything, therapy, doctors, two hospitalizations, all in an effort to get him stable. As an adult, he chooses to be unmedicated and as you know, you cannot force an adult to take medication or receive treatment. They have to want it and be willing to work it.




I agree 100%. No one wants to give up on their child, not even if he is a grown mentally ill drug user. Maybe especially if he's a mentally ill drug user. But parents cannot MAKE an adult stay on their meds or give up drugs. And by allowing him to continue by providing him with room, food, and money they are actually PROVIDING him with the means to continue his destructive lifestyle. Just because your grown child has a mental illness or addiction does NOT mean you have to put up with all their business, especially as it destroys the harmony of your home. There comes a point at which we say "Enough already! Take your show on the road!"

I totally agree and I have nothing to change or add.

 

[java]

I am sorry that I generalized my brother's situation. I know that bipolar is a broad stroke and not all with the disease are the same.
He just had bad reactions to his meds- I'm glad it is working for others(minky so happy that you found the right combo that works for you)

 

[luvsJack]

My own son was diagnosed bi-polar several years ago (he is 25). He took meds for awhile but doesn't now. We were afraid that he would never get his life going in the right direction but a miracle happened in the form of one roly poly baby girl. Now, I don't recommend that treatment but it has made so much difference in his life that I want to pinch myself at times. I thank God every day that I never gave up on him. BUT, he was never, ever an addict (thank you, Lord in Heaven). We still help him with his bills some but he is trying and working his way to being completely independent.

I have a friend at work whose son is an addict (if he is bi-polar or anything else they don't know it). He is 34 and lives at home. He has run up phone bills, talked his 75 year old father into signing for car loans, stolen from his parents as well as other family members. I want so bad to say to her, "You need to put him out. You need to wash your hands of him" But then she looks at me with tears in her eyes and such pain on her face and says, "my son is an addict and he can't help himself." She loves her son just as I love mine, who am I to tell her that she should give up on him?

 

[Papa Deuce]

Under what circumstances would YOU turn one of YOUR daughters out on the street knowing she had been diagnosed with a difficult MEDICAL condition that contributed (I realize he has to take responsibility as well but lets look at the whole picture) to her seeming inability to handle her own life. No, seriously. Would you? Could you turn your back on your child? He needs treatment that will help him stay on his meds and be independent, not people who think he's bum Who are you to judge him or his family for trying to help?

I'm the guy who gets LOTS of 3 AM phone calls from his mom. I'm the guy AT THIS MOMENT, who has his FIL living with him while they work this out for the 15th time. And we can't stand each other. ( My FIL lives with them )

I'm the guy they asked to loan them bail money. TWICE.

That's who I am.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

My parents (more or less) turned their back on my older sister. My parents are of the generation where everyone supports themselves, no excuses. And if you screw up, you must live with it, no safety net. My parents don't really believe in mental illness - it's no excuse. Everyone just needs to toughen up, get over their problems, and deal with things. (Not saying that's right about mental illness, just how they view things).

My older sister had a multitude of learning disabilities. She's very naive and gulible, not "street smart" at all, and people take advantage left and right (especially loser men). She moved out at age 20 to live with some going-nowhere boyfriend, and when that went bad, my parents refused to help. She went through a bunch of bad situations always struggling financially, eventually winding up with her living in her car, but my parents remained distant. My sister eventually got on her feet (after 2 divorces and 2 kids she can't support), but financially life is still very precarious to this day (she is in her mid 40's, huge debt).

I think when drug abuse is involved, removing a adult child from your life is more justified. My sister's situation never had anything like that, though.

So I know my parents do indeed contain the ability to just "turn off" their kids. I never saw a sign of remorse either - very black and white to them. My sister was an adult and their job as parent is over. She's on her own.

Sometimes it scares me how easily my parents gave up and became distant. But I understand their point of view, too. But it always saddened me in a way.

 

[Liberty Belle]

In your Sil's case, they made him essentially what he is today, so theyshould let him stay there. It should be interesting when they get older for them to realize that their beloved son won't be doing anything to help them let alone help himself.

They made him bi-polar?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I guess I see things a little differently. To me, constant enabling without doing anything which allows the child to grow up and handle himself IS giving up on the child. You (generic you) have given up on your child's ability to grow and learn and become self sufficeint.
I don't think I could ever do that. Nor do I think I could ever leave my child totally on their own without even emotional support from me.
Not that I think this really applies to what I have said, but just in case--yes I know several people who are bi polar. Lived with one over half my life.

 

[Tinker74]

I'm the guy who gets LOTS of 3 AM phone calls from his mom. I'm the guy AT THIS MOMENT, who has his FIL living with him while they work this out for the 15th time. And we can't stand each other. ( My FIL lives with them )

I'm the guy they asked to loan them bail money. TWICE.

That's who I am.

None of that matters...you still should not judge them!...You are not a better parent or person..Iam sure you have faults too...I don't think you derserve credit for taking in your FIL for a little while whrn he lives with your inlaws ALL THE TIME!!!!...I give them credit for that and you should to..instead of looking down on them.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm the guy who gets LOTS of 3 AM phone calls from his mom. I'm the guy AT THIS MOMENT, who has his FIL living with him while they work this out for the 15th time. And we can't stand each other. ( My FIL lives with them )

I'm the guy they asked to loan them bail money. TWICE.

That's who I am.

Don't you LIVE in your MIL's house? Does she want credit for that? Are they just asking YOU for the loan or does your wife have an opinion too? Is she home for the 3am phone calls? Is she okay with her DAD living there? This is her family after all.
Turn your phone off and say no to the loans. Ever read the book Of Mice and Men? You should. Even the best laid plans.......
Your children are young. You have absolutely no idea what they will do or become. You have no idea if what you think is great parenting is actually horrible parenting. None of us do. We all are trying to do the best that we can and know how. You have no idea what you would actually do if you were in their position. I hope to God you never are in their position. I doubt there is a parent on earth who wants to be.
At the end of the day that is their child. Whatever choices they make are the ones that they feel are the right ones. It is not for you or anyone to judge them for it. I can understand feeling frustrated because let's face it, it is frustrating to see someone being taken advantage of. Especially when they are people we love.
Vent away, but save your judgement. I am sure they are more than aware of how people view them. Perhaps they are simply tired and do not know what else to do.

 

[MsDisney23]

Sounds like he needs a drug/alcohol rehab!