Contacting the "other woman"

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think the emotion that I would feel towards a woman who was involved with a married man without knowing, found out, and ended the realtionship would be sympathy. She would have gotten her heart broken just like a woman that was cheated on and found out...in fact, she was cheated if she thought she was in a monogamous relationship.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well, I would agree with you that there are people who truly don't find out that the person is married for a period of time. Realistically if someone really doesn't know,then finds out and ends the relationship, I'm not sure I could judge them as harshly as I could someone who knows and doesn't care.
Being someone who doesn't believe in infidelity from either direction, I can only imagine the mix of emotions I would have gone through had I ever gotten involved with someone only to find out after the fact that he was married. Anger, hurt, betrayal, not to mention that "oh my God he's married I could have possibly broken up a family if I didn't find out" feeling. Terrible....

You're not sure you could judge them as harshly?! Why judge them at all? They had no idea the guy was married and when they found out, ended the affair. How in the world are they to blame?!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I did not read the entire thread, but I learned a hard lesson in life very early on, and that simply is "never put it in writing!" You may be very valid in all of your reasons, but never put it in writing, somehow, someway it WILL come back to haunt you.

Hugs to you as you work this out.

 

[jfoofj]

I have gone both routes when it comes to dealing with being cheated on.

The first time I found out I was cheated on I was 21. I enlisted the help of my 3 best girlfriends and we went on a "mission". We went to the girls house and wrote all over her car in lipstick... nasty words describing what we though of her. We told a lot of people that knew her that she had a STD. We called her house late at night(she lived at home) and when her father answered my friend told him that his daughter was a slut. Now, mind you, I was just dating the guy (who later became my husband ) and I have often regreted doing all this because it was pretty immature, even though it made me feel REALLY good at the time.

After I married the guy (I know, I know... I was 23 and in looooooooooooove, he had changed!!!! I had the diamond to prove it), I got a phone call from a girl who said she felt I should know that she was sleeping with my husband I told her "ok, thanks" and hung up on her. I had a newborn at the time. I called the same 3 best girlfriends and they packed me up and moved me out. I didn't even tell people why we were divorcing, I just said it didn't work out. I didn't want to be the angry, bitter ex wife trashing her exH.... I was done with the relationship, what good would it have done?

SO, I wouldn't contact her. It lets her know she got to you. It gives her power. Work on your marriage, I hope you can work it out. I know it can be done, I just wasn't able to do it because it was becoming a pattern. My exH and I have managed to end up being friends, he actually just attended my grandmothers wake and it was all pretty amicable. A lot of time has passed, though, it took a while.

 

[kaytieeldr]

The first time I found out I was cheated on I was 21. I enlisted the help of my 3 best girlfriends and we went on a "mission". We went to the girls house and wrote all over her car in lipstick... nasty words describing what we though of her. We told a lot of people that knew her that she had a STD. We called her house late at night(she lived at home) and when her father answered my friend told him that his daughter was a slut.

May I ask how you retaliated against your boyfriend at the same time? Was it in any way similar to how you attacked the girl?

 

[jfoofj]

May I ask how you retaliated against your boyfriend at the same time? Was it in any way similar to how you attacked the girl?

I caused a huge scene one night out at a restaurant/bar he was at, broke up with him, told everyone how rotten he was. Like I said before, I was very immature and didn't know how to employ some restraint. The girl my then boyfriend cheated with knew me, worked with me, and even mentioned to people that she was going to go after him, so there was a lot of hate towards her.

I guess while it feels good while in the moment to lash out, later you tend to regret your actions.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I caused a huge scene one night out at a restaurant/bar he was at, broke up with him, told everyone how rotten he was. Like I said before, I was very immature and didn't know how to employ some restraint. The girl my then boyfriend cheated with knew me, worked with me, and even mentioned to people that she was going to go after him, so there was a lot of hate towards her.

I guess while it feels good while in the moment to lash out, later you tend to regret your actions.

Making a fool out of yourself I'm sure helped your moral

You were with a cheater, had a baby with a cheater, married a cheater & lashed out at the other woman.....brilliant~

 

[rie'smom]

Making a fool out of yourself I'm sure helped your moral

You were with a cheater, had a baby with a cheater, married a cheater & lashed out at the other woman.....brilliant~

Wow, this is harsh.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Making a fool out of yourself I'm sure helped your moral

You were with a cheater, had a baby with a cheater, married a cheater & lashed out at the other woman.....brilliant~

She was young. If you haven't been in her shoes, don't judge her. And she was brave enough to share her story with us. jfoofj

 

[krcit]

Making a fool out of yourself I'm sure helped your moral

You were with a cheater, had a baby with a cheater, married a cheater & lashed out at the other woman.....brilliant~

Wow. I think this is one of the meanest posts I have ever read. The poster told her story to help the OP realize that that would be the wrong way to go about things, not to get criticized by Judgey McJudgerson. I guess you have never done things you later regret. Good for you

 

[dismom2005]

OP here - After a few days passed I decided to not contact the OW. I was feeling a momentary desire to rip into her but honestly it would be a bad idea, especially since H and OW have not had contact and I don't want her to reach out to him. I need to keep moving forward and not dwell on something I can't control. Thanks again to everyone for your advice.

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

I have not read everything but just wanted to add my two cents...just becuase I can!

My BFF has been through this and she too felt like lashing out at the other woman many times...she too persued her husband pretty hard. They on the other hand were not in a position to save the marriage. But after much talking, I told her she really would get nothing out of confronting the OW because I was sure it would cause her nothing but more pain...I did however buy her a journal. In that journal she wrote eveything she felt. How mad she was at her, how mad she was at him, how mad she was with herself (yep, I know, you do some of that self blame too...) how mad she was with the world. She wrote in it for a year. At the end of the year, we burned the journal. She let go. She is so happy now and in a very good place with how she feels about it all. I hope you find peace with all of this too...I remember the pain I went through when I found out my 1st husband had done the same thing (we were already seperated for other reasons when I found out he had been having an affair almost right after our wedding).

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Making a fool out of yourself I'm sure helped your moral

You were with a cheater, had a baby with a cheater, married a cheater & lashed out at the other woman.....brilliant~

Wow. I truly believe women are so cruel to each other, sometimes it doesn't even matter what the guys do.

I can't count how many times over the years I've heard such an indignant and nasty comment coming from the mouth of one woman belittling another woman, only to watch karma bite the first woman in the ***...

 

[Serena]

I caused a huge scene one night out at a restaurant/bar he was at, broke up with him, told everyone how rotten he was. Like I said before, I was very immature and didn't know how to employ some restraint. The girl my then boyfriend cheated with knew me, worked with me, and even mentioned to people that she was going to go after him, so there was a lot of hate towards her.

I guess while it feels good while in the moment to lash out, later you tend to regret your actions.

Thank you for your story. It was a very good example for the OP and I'm sure it was difficult to admit. Luckily most of us do get the opportunity to grow up and mature and realize how our actions affect others.

 

[ginna74]

OP here - After a few days passed I decided to not contact the OW. I was feeling a momentary desire to rip into her but honestly it would be a bad idea, especially since H and OW have not had contact and I don't want her to reach out to him. I need to keep moving forward and not dwell on something I can't control. Thanks again to everyone for your advice.

dismom

 

[Serena]

OP here - After a few days passed I decided to not contact the OW. I was feeling a momentary desire to rip into her but honestly it would be a bad idea, especially since H and OW have not had contact and I don't want her to reach out to him. I need to keep moving forward and not dwell on something I can't control. Thanks again to everyone for your advice.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I enlisted the help of my 3 best girlfriends and we went on a "mission". We went to the girls house and wrote all over her car in lipstick... nasty words describing what we though of her. We told a lot of people that knew her that she had a STD. We called her house late at night(she lived at home) and when her father answered my friend told him that his daughter was a slut.

I caused a huge scene one night out at a restaurant/bar he was at, broke up with him, told everyone how rotten he was.

Respectfully, that's not even close to the same treatment. You vandalized a vehicle (a crime, in case you weren't aware). You slandered the other woman and most likely lied about her medical status. You harassed her and her family. One "big scene" and telling people what you thought of your boyfriend (him? his behavior?) isn't anywhere near equal - yet he's the person who was IN your relationship yet chose to violate it.

 

[rie'smom]

Respectfully, that's not even close to the same treatment. You vandalized a vehicle (a crime, in case you weren't aware). You slandered the other woman and most likely lied about her medical status. You harassed her and her family. One "big scene" and telling people what you thought of your boyfriend (him? his behavior?) isn't anywhere near equal - yet he's the person who was IN your relationship yet chose to violate it.

For pity's sake! This happened several years ago. It's over. Unless she has access to a time machine, she cannot undo her actions. Let it go already.

 

[mtemm]

Respectfully, that's not even close to the same treatment. You vandalized a vehicle (a crime, in case you weren't aware). You slandered the other woman and most likely lied about her medical status. You harassed her and her family. One "big scene" and telling people what you thought of your boyfriend (him? his behavior?) isn't anywhere near equal - yet he's the person who was IN your relationship yet chose to violate it.

I don't see where she said she treated the OW and her BF the same. I only see where she says she was young and dumb about her reaction.

 

[shortbun]

OP here - After a few days passed I decided to not contact the OW. I was feeling a momentary desire to rip into her but honestly it would be a bad idea, especially since H and OW have not had contact and I don't want her to reach out to him. I need to keep moving forward and not dwell on something I can't control. Thanks again to everyone for your advice.

Good choice!!! I predict you will continue to make forward progress and come out in a good place. Avoid her like you would bacteria or the swine flu. Never, ever, expose yourself to possible infection!!! Sounds like someone knows the Serenity Prayer. If not, pm me and I'll send it to you. Ignore the fighting on this thread too-it's not about you.