Contacting the "other woman"

[Darsa]

Buy yourself jewelry...expensive jewelry. Email pictures of yourself wearing the jewelry to the other gal with the notation "Nyah-nyah, you lost"

best... idea... EVAH.

 

[KAMKIM]

I think the reason people tend to go after the OW is because as a woman ourself we expect more from another woman on an emotional level (ex how could another woman not care that my kids family is broken now) With men, it just never surprises us that they only think with one head.

Let's face it though....women can be just as bad, if not worse -

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW, I see nobody here holding the husband faultless...
Yes, tempering their words and judgement out of respect for the OP, maybe... But faultless??? NOT ONE POST.

IMHO, any woman who would sleep with a married man is about as low as one can go. The very thought disgusts me. (just as much as the cheating man). There is NO excuse... No amount of justification... 'Maybe she didn't know', 'She isn't married', 'She was young', yada,yada,yada, can begin to erase the truth.... A woman who would sleep with a married man is worthy of any name that can be thrown at her.

(Just the same as a cheating husband)

 

[dismom2005]

I don't see anyone placing full blame on the ow at all. I see people holding her responsible for her own choices, and being surprised/offended that anyone would make her choices. but I don't see anyone placing full blame at all.

the op had a question many of us do who find out their spouse had an affair. I've seen it over and over again on a website I visit where people are trying to survive/get past infidelity in their marriages. We already confront/deal with our spouses. trust me, they are the ones we are invested in, they are not let off the hook. But there is an element that feels missing at times, and that is the ow/om. we want answers...how could you? did you know our spouse was married? what did our spouse tell you?

I've btdt. I did contact the ow, who I had met several times prior to finding out about my husband's affair. from my experience, it does NOT help matters. And I definitely held my husband responsible for his choices. But I still felt that urge to call, and felt a hell of a lot of judgement for someone who would pursue a relationship with a married person. Not more than my husband, but it was definitley still there.

Believe me, my H is getting his full share of blame over this, but I bolded the above because yes, I believe she knew exactly what she was getting herself into even though she is young and I just want to know what the h*ll she was thinking doing this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Believe me, my H is getting his full share of blame over this, but I bolded the above because yes, I believe she knew exactly what she was getting herself into even though she is young and I just want to know what the h*ll she was thinking doing this.

OP: some words of wisdom here...

WHO GIVES A FLIP WHAT SHE WAS 'THINKING'!!!!

IF you begin to believe that a skank like that was thinking ANYTHING, especially anythng normal or rational, you would be wrong.... At most, she was thinking 'Hey, I'm gonna take what I can get..." At worse, she has some serious issues.... If you begin to think that she is going to 'come to jesus' and have an epiphany, and apologize... Ummmmm, NOT.

Go for a round of SCREAM THERAPY, get it out of your system, and then continue to focus on what your husband (and yourself) are thinking!

 

[mtemm]

Believe me, my H is getting his full share of blame over this, but I bolded the above because yes, I believe she knew exactly what she was getting herself into even though she is young and I just want to know what the h*ll she was thinking doing this.

mine knew what she was doing, too. she was only 3 years younger than me, though, and is pretty much a lost cause, with a history of infidelity in her past. she cheated on her husband, and has never had a relationship with someone who isn't married since her own marriage broke up. I feel sorry for her, because I think she must be an extraordinarily insecure person. she likes to feel like she is "all that" and can take have anyone she wants, like she is trumping the wife. but the reality is she isn't. even when she has an affair with a married man, its a pretty pale imitation of what love really is. and in the end, she is back where she has always been...alone.

Am hopeful that the ow in your case was just young and stupid and made poor choices that she can learn from.

unlike some people here I don't think ow/om are evil. I think they are people who make really poor choices in how to live their lives, same as the spouse who did the cheating.

whatever happens, I really do wish you and your husband well. Its not an easy road back to trust/forgiveness, but with work and commitment I've seen it happen.

 

[Heidict]

We're not - hold on a moment, please...

I'm still holding........................... Was there a point you wanted to make or something you wanted to say regarding my post that you quoted?

I think most of us assumed that it went without saying that the DH was equally, or more, at fault. You chose to quote only the part of my post which supported that supported the point you were trying to make, but neglected to quote the rest of my post, part of which said:

I don't excuse any woman who knowingly goes after a married man, but the fact remains that your husband broke his vows to you. She could have pursued him till she was blue in the face...if he didn't respond or reciprocate, eventually she would have moved on. So your "beef" is with him, as I am quite sure you know.

Exactly. I comment the OP for working on her marriage, there are so many that wouldn't even do that. The last thing she needs us having a thread full of people throwing insulting names at him.

Interesting attempt at defense of "Other Woman" status....

I was thinking the same exact thing. Sounds like an attempt at justification.

 

[RadioNate]

Believe me, my H is getting his full share of blame over this, but I bolded the above because yes, I believe she knew exactly what she was getting herself into even though she is young and I just want to know what the h*ll she was thinking doing this.

She isn't thinking. Not about YOU. She loves him, needs him and will SAVE him from you and your awful ways.

He needs her because you are so aweful. That is what she thinks.

She thinks HE will be better off without you and your kids.


My therapist gave me an article titled "Why I date your husband" when my DH was communicating with an ex girlfriend who wanted him back. Their relationship never turned physical and didn't get too far on his part but it was definitely inappropriate. It also definitely caused HUGE problems in our marriage as trust was broken.

I don't have an internet link to the article and I'm not even sure where it was published but it might be worth looking into.

The bottom line is that these woman have self esteem and other issues that make them think it is ok.

 

[Scurvy]

IF you begin to believe that a skank like that was thinking ANYTHING normal or rational, you would be wrong.... At most, she was thinking 'Hey, I'm gonna take what I can get..." At worse, she has some serious issues.... If you begin to think that she is going to 'come to jesus' and have an epiphany, and apologize... Ummmmm, NOT.

Wishing, I agree with you 100%. I do think that sometimes we want to believe that a person who has helped to cause us such pain might feel some remorse, but it just isn't realistic. Maybe at some point in the future someone like that will realize how horrible they were and feel bad about it, but certainly not any time soon. And frankly I doubt that they will ever understand the seriousness of what they did unless they are the wife in that situation someday. (And even then, I suspect that most people like that would try to rationalize their own behavior as the other woman and blame the wife while condemning the other women who interfered in their own marriage.)

I do think that it might be possible for someone to be seeing a married person - or at least someone who is already in a serious relationship - without realizing it at first. That's probably less likely these days, with Google and Myspace and Facebook out there, but I've heard of that happening. In a case like that, I consider the other woman to also be a victim - but only if she immediately stops seeing him as soon as she realizes he's cheating. I think (hope!) a person in a situation like that would probably be sick with remorse. Clearly, that isn't the case here. The other woman in the OP is just a sleazy opportunist who doesn't care about anyone else's family.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

Having been down the road, it isn't going to help you understand the situation anymore. The best thing you can do at this point is see and openly talk with the counselor. We met with one and I had the opportunity to ask him any questions about the situation. After that session, I was no longer allowed to bring it up. It still crosses my mind from time to time but in interest of our marriage, I pray and deal with that demon myself. As women. we have a much more complex psyche and we overanalyze and worry about everything. Yes trust will be difficult to get back, but it is not impossible! You have to work at it. He needs to understand where you are emotionally and mentally and needs to work on reassuring you he plans to remain committed until death.
Anyway, just know I will be lifting you up in prayer. You do need to be able to forgive them both. You need to do what it takes to reach the point of true forgiveness. Yes it sucks to not be able to confront her and ask her "What the H*LL?" but it will honestly only bring up more questions!!! Praying for trust !

 

[disykat]

Kateeieldr, no one is saying the husband isn't to blame. The conversation veered towards the other woman when someone basically posted that the other woman was blameless. At that point, many posters strongly disagreed and started discussing the responsibility of the other woman. That in no way implies the husband is blameless.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not that it matters, because I don't really disagree with it, but the quote you attributed to me in your post wasn't mine.

Please accept my sincerest apology. I am sorry I wrongly attributed any statement to you.

Interesting attempt at defense of "Other Woman" status....

"Methinks thou dost protest too much." - William Shakespeare

Thank you. Funny thing, though - if you go back and read all my responses, I have been in the OP's situation. Worse, because we split up over it - and the "other woman" was a friend of ours. But you know something - and this is addressed to all the name-callers, NOT to the OP - it's my ex who made the conscious decision to cheat.

I saw no reason to batter the OP with facts about her husband that she is already well aware of. She's got enough to deal with.

I repeat: I am NOT addressing the OP. I am addressing all the posters who see fit to attack and insult the woman, but not the man. I understand you all realize the OP doesn't need to have her husband attacked and called names in this thread. Fine. Great. But then don't treat the other woman in a manner different from the way you're treating the man. Equal rights and all that.

 

[Scurvy]

Please accept my sincerest apology. I am sorry I wrongly attributed any statement to you.

(snip)

I repeat: I am NOT addressing the OP. I am addressing all the posters who see fit to attack and insult the woman, but not the man. I understand you all realize the OP doesn't need to have her husband attacked and called names in this thread. Fine. Great. But then don't treat the other woman in a manner different from the way you're treating the man. Equal rights and all that.

No problem - it just really threw me when I got to that post because I didn't remember writing that. I had to go back and look through the thread just to prove to myself that I wasn't losing my mind!


I do think I see what you are saying. And you better believe that if the OP had started this thread to talk about her husband, I'd have plenty to say. Since she didn't, but started it about the other woman, that's who I chose to focus on. I don't think she's any more guilty than he is - in fact I think he holds the bulk of the blame. However, she is also wrong, and she's the one the OP chose to ask about (and the one another poster chose to defend) so I wanted to respect that.

 

[DisTeach1]

This has turned in to the most ridiculous thread EVER...

OP...Don't contact her. Period. Your job is to move on, rise above and be better than the both of them. Find the gifts in this situation that are waiting for you. And by that, you may have to wait a long time to see or realize them, but they are there and you will, in the long run, come out ahead.

The Other Woman and the Husband...both are morally corupt. Both aren't worth wasting a Friday night, or any other night on. They are losers.

Enough said.

 

[kaytieeldr]

was thinking the same exact thing. Sounds like an attempt at justification.

Interesting assumption - but as stated above, wrong.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Kateeieldr, no one is saying the husband isn't to blame. The conversation veered towards the other woman when someone basically posted that the other woman was blameless.

I apologize - I missed that.

 

[rie'smom]

Please accept my sincerest apology. I am sorry I wrongly attributed any statement to you.

Thank you. Funny thing, though - if you go back and read all my responses, I have been in the OP's situation. Worse, because we split up over it - and the "other woman" was a friend of ours. But you know something - and this is addressed to all the name-callers, NOT to the OP - it's my ex who made the conscious decision to cheat.

Unless she was unconscious, your friend also made a conscious decision to cheat. Both of them were wrong.

 

[Darsa]

Unless she was unconscious, your friend also made a conscious decision to cheat. Both of them were wrong.

I have to agree with this; you OW may have been single, may have been married or with someone herself, it doesn't really matter. She ****knew**** the man she was sleeping with was married to another woman. Wrong, on both counts. Blame falls equally on both of their scuzzy shoulders.

 

[Took]

I do think that it might be possible for someone to be seeing a married person - or at least someone who is already in a serious relationship - without realizing it at first. That's probably less likely these days, with Google and Myspace and Facebook out there, but I've heard of that happening. In a case like that, I consider the other woman to also be a victim - but only if she immediately stops seeing him as soon as she realizes he's cheating. .

This has nothing to do with OP's situation, only in response to the comment above.

I think it's very possible that a woman might b/c involved with a married man without knowing he's married as I've known more than one friend this has happened to. Men DO lie about their status. Some say, "We're in the process of divorcing. She moved out a good while back." when, in fact, nothing of the kind has happened. For two women I know, finding out he was married caused the "affair" to end immediately. Another was (or thought she was) very in love before she found out and struggled a lot to come to terms with how to end the affair. And, yes, she was young (22), and I watched her go thru h**l as she tried to "justify" the guy. She ended the relationship after several more weeks, but she got really hurt. I would hate to think that guy's wife was calling my friend a "sleaze" who deliberately sought an affair.

Face it, some men are just scum.

 

[Disney Doll]

This has nothing to do with OP's situation, only in response to the comment above.

I think it's very possible that a woman might b/c involved with a married man without knowing he's married as I've known more than one friend this has happened to. Men DO lie about their status. Some say, "We're in the process of divorcing. She moved out a good while back." when, in fact, nothing of the kind has happened. For two women I know, finding out he was married caused the "affair" to end immediately. Another was (or thought she was) very in love before she found out and struggled a lot to come to terms with how to end the affair. And, yes, she was young (22), and I watched her go thru h**l as she tried to "justify" the guy. She ended the relationship after several more weeks, but she got really hurt. I would hate to think that guy's wife was calling my friend a "sleaze" who deliberately sought an affair.

Face it, some men are just scum.

Well, I would agree with you that there are people who truly don't find out that the person is married for a period of time. Realistically if someone really doesn't know,then finds out and ends the relationship, I'm not sure I could judge them as harshly as I could someone who knows and doesn't care.

Being someone who doesn't believe in infidelity from either direction, I can only imagine the mix of emotions I would have gone through had I ever gotten involved with someone only to find out after the fact that he was married. Anger, hurt, betrayal, not to mention that "oh my God he's married I could have possibly broken up a family if I didn't find out" feeling. Terrible....