Contacting the "other woman"

[kaytieeldr]

I agree with this. No one is absolving the husband. If you are a single or married woman who *knowingly* sleeps or messes with a married man..surprise.... you just committed adultery.

To the OP, my thoughts go out to you. You are carrying a heavy burden.

Actually, no. I can't find a single legitimate definition supporting this.

voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband; also : an act of adultery

. Even an issue-specific website concurs

Sexual intercourse between a married person and a third party

The married person commits adultery; the unmarried person simply cannot, based on just the definition.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Kaytieeldr: You need to drop it and let it go. The OP is hurting right now and doesn't need a lesson in semantics. If you don't agree, you are not doing the OP any favors.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Secondly, everyone's situation is different. Some men sleep with any bar ***** and the wife does not attach to the OW(s) because they know that it was meaningless. But when your husband falls in love with another woman, the betrayed wife has an axe to grind. So everyone handles things differently.

Respectfully, I truly do not think this affair had anything to do with love.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Respectfully, I truly do not think this affair had anything to do with love.

I don't think it was love either (it never is) but sometimes the wayward spouse thinks it is. And that is what I was refering to.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Kaytieeldr: You need to drop it and let it go. The OP is hurting right now and doesn't need a lesson in semantics. If you don't agree, you are not doing the OP any favors.

I'm not talking to the OP. I thought I made that clear. I'm talking to the responders who've been so free to call the other woman sleazy, offensive, insulting names.

 

[Scurvy]

We're not - hold on a moment, please...
Agreed - but nobody has called the husband a horrible person, a skank, or a tramp. Yet HE'S the married party in this affair. That's my point.

I agree, almost nobody has not blamed the husband - nobody's attacked him, called him names, or insulted him.

For the record, no, I'm not the other woman - and yes, I have been cheated on (sorry for ending that sentence with a preposition). I'm sure at least in part it's time that allows me to look at the issue with much less hurt that the OP has at the moment. But I never even considered the other woman's involvement had to do with her.

Not that it matters, because I don't really disagree with it, but the quote you attributed to me in your post wasn't mine. I actually had to read your post several times because I didn't remember writing such a thing. Given that I addressed the reason why I had not been insulting the OP's husband in my posts I don't think I'm the best person to quote when you are trying to point out that no one is insulting him.

 

[ccgirl]

In short, don't do it. It may just push they closer/back together. I have been though something similar (not physical) and I decided to take the higher road and not cause a scene. I felt that if I did, she would just go running to DH and I did not want that. We were able to work things out through marriage counseling and now have a better marriage than we have ever head. So, looks like I "won" in the end (if you could call it that). I will tell you, the only way you can survive this is if you are able to get over the infidelity and don't keep reminding him anytime he does something wrong. Good luck. I feel for you.

 

[Disney Doll]

Equally, any married person who would knowingly have an affair is a horrible person with no morals.

The person who has actually upset the OP is her own husband - what with him being fully aware of his marital status from, well, the day they wed yet still embarking on ANY kind of affair. And if the the other woman is a skank, so is the OP's husband.

As is the OP's DH.

Nope. See above. He's known he's married since the day of the wedding, and all the commitment that involves. Whatever judgments are assigned to the third party are equally applicable to the husband.

Absolutely. So where's the outrage, the name-calling, the insults, the character judgments, the blame, toward the husband?

I think most of us assumed that it went without saying that the DH was equally, or more, at fault. You chose to quote only the part of my post which supported that supported the point you were trying to make, but neglected to quote the rest of my post, part of which said:

I don't excuse any woman who knowingly goes after a married man, but the fact remains that your husband broke his vows to you. She could have pursued him till she was blue in the face...if he didn't respond or reciprocate, eventually she would have moved on. So your "beef" is with him, as I am quite sure you know.

Interesting attempt at defense of "Other Woman" status....

 

[OceanAnnie]

Interesting attempt at defense of "Other Woman" status....

Indeed.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Actually, no. I can't find a single legitimate definition supporting this. . Even an issue-specific website concurs

The married person commits adultery; the unmarried person simply cannot, based on just the definition.

Not exactly why you're quoting definitions that clearly show that the "third party" has also engaged in an act of adultery but, whatever. The semantics aren't the important part of the OP's situation. Her feelings are. She's dealing with her feelings towards her husband and I can understand her desire to deal with her feelings towards the other woman; however, I think in this case it's better to just try to let it go whether that means writing a letter you never send, talking about it with her therapist, or talking about it with those of us on the board who are sympathetic towards her.

 

[Disney Doll]

We're not - hold on a moment, please...
Agreed - but nobody has called the husband a horrible person, a skank, or a tramp. Yet HE'S the married party in this affair. That's my point.

I agree, almost nobody has not blamed the husband - nobody's attacked him, called him names, or insulted him.

Well, since the OP posted that she was trying to reconcile and since I don't feel like being really hurtful toward her since she is trying to reconcile, I refrained from posting my opinion of her husband, since that was not part and parcel of the question she asked.

Suffice it to say I would think as little of him as I do of his "paramour". But I also understand that trying to rebuild a marriage after an affair can be trying at best. I saw no reason to batter the OP with facts about her husband that she is already well aware of. She's got enough to deal with.

 

[NY Disney fan]

"Methinks thou dost protest too much." - William Shakespeare

 

[ma2jr]

Every part of this situation will chip away at your self esteem. Conacting her will only bring about a whole new batch of "why" questions. IMO...I think your efforts should be put into whether you should stay in this relationship...?

 

[Darsa]

I'm not talking to the OP. I thought I made that clear. I'm talking to the responders who've been so free to call the other woman sleazy, offensive, insulting names

Uh, that's because she IS sleazy and offensive for messing around with a married man. And so is he. That's all, not very complicated IMO...

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm not talking to the OP. I thought I made that clear. I'm talking to the responders who've been so free to call the other woman sleazy, offensive, insulting names.

That is because when you (the Universal you, not specifically you), as a single person, knowingly sleep with a married person, you open yourself up to being called the names which you deserve to be called. The married person opens him or herslef up to being called the same names, and in a thread which asks "What names can I call my spouse who cheated on me?"...believe me I'd be the first one jumping on the bandwagon with a LONG list.

Are you thinking that those of us on here who are currently married were never single? Do you think that in my single days as a young nurse working in a hospital that I did not have multiple offers from older married male MDs to have an affair? Of course I did and the answer was no, because it is not right.

This is not a difficult concept...it's a pretty clear black and white, not much gray. Sleeping with a married person is wrong, regardless of whatever bullcrap excuses, explanations or sob stories they give you about the terrible state of their marriage. Does it make the single person an adulterer in the pure "semantics" of the word?? Well, probably not. But it certainly makes them a party to adultery...is that any better? A married person sleeping with someone other than their spouse is also wrong. And semnatically, since that seems to be so important to you in terms of this discussion, that makes the married person an adulterer.

It's quite simple...if one doesn't want to be called sleazy, offensive, insulting names, one should not sleep with a married person. Nor should one be a married person who chooses to sleep with someone other than one's spouse.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm not talking to the OP. I thought I made that clear. I'm talking to the responders who've been so free to call the other woman sleazy, offensive, insulting names.

Frankly, if the shoe fits.....

I think they are both scum. It that better???? Why aren't you understanding that maybe the posters here are not insulting the husband because the OP is trying to reconcile.

The OW never considered the OPs feelings. So why do you care if people are insulting her? I mean really.

She is a horrid human being. Sorry she is. And so is he BUT if she wasn't willing he wouldn't have been able. Yes, if he was determined he would have found someone else to cheat with but this wasn't a one-night-stand. This was an emotional affair that turned physical.

I have no love lost for this guy. He should have come to his wife with the problems that he had about their marriage but she should have also said 'go tell your wife' and immediately distanced herself.

 

[Hercules10]

Honestly some of ya'll aren't devious enough. Have some fun....

-Go to the gal's office, sneak into the closest men's room and write on the stall walls "For a good time call Xxxxx at 888-555-5555"

-Buy yourself jewelry...expensive jewelry. Email pictures of yourself wearing the jewelry to the other gal with the notation "Nyah-nyah, you lost"

-Send flowers to another guy in your husband's office. Let him see how it feels.

-Tell hubby he shoud've told you up-front cause you would've treated him to a three-way with the other woman. But DARN! Now it's just too late for that!

 

[CJ's Mommy]

So it doesn't matter to you that the PP said that she was young and naive at the time?

Nope, not one bit. Do you think that mattered to the family she may have helped break up? "Oh, well.....it's okay, the other woman was so young." GIVE ME A BREAK!

 

[rie'smom]

Absolutely. Definitely. For sure.


**********

So listen, I was single for ages, I worked in a bar...I've been the other woman, briefly, a couple of times. Each time I was told that "sure I'm married but she's cold, unfeeling, our marriage is dead, I'm waiting for whatever to file for divorce", whatever. I was naive and young and I believed it. (and actually divorce did always happen, even after I was well out of the picture) I was the symptom of the problem, not THE problem.

And I get it more now. But. I stand firm with...the only one messing with their morals is the MARRIED one. If my husband had an affair, she would merely be the symptom. HE would be the problem. If I had an affair, the guy would be the symptom...I would be the problem. Not the other people.

Both people in an affair are the problem. There are some women who live to sleep with married men. They are a problem. There are men who can't keep it in their pants. They are a problem.
If it makes you feel better to think that sleeping with a married man gives you(general) a pass, then you(general) have a problem.

I'm not talking to the OP. I thought I made that clear. I'm talking to the responders who've been so free to call the other woman sleazy, offensive, insulting names.

Here's another name- promiscuous tart
Another one- garden tool-not a rake or a shovel

Uh, that's because she IS sleazy and offensive for messing around with a married man. And so is he. That's all, not very complicated IMO...

Nope, not one bit. Do you think that mattered to the family she may have helped break up? "Oh, well.....it's okay, the other woman was so young." GIVE ME A BREAK!

Anyone no matter their age who is older than a very young child knows cheating is wrong.


OP, I hope that you and your husband can make your marriage work.

 

[KAMKIM]

Honestly some of ya'll aren't devious enough. Have some fun....

-Go to the gal's office, sneak into the closest men's room and write on the stall walls "For a good time call Xxxxx at 888-555-5555"

-Buy yourself jewelry...expensive jewelry. Email pictures of yourself wearing the jewelry to the other gal with the notation "Nyah-nyah, you lost"

-Send flowers to another guy in your husband's office. Let him see how it feels.

-Tell hubby he shoud've told you up-front cause you would've treated him to a three-way with the other woman. But DARN! Now it's just too late for that!

I like you