College Sororities - Sad and Confused......kinda of long sorry

[friendofgusgus]

Hugs to you and your DD!

I rushed as a junior transfer student and was immediately cut in the first round of rush from 13 to 3 houses.

I was devastated at the time. Fortunately, my RG took me aside and explained that very, very few houses on campus took non-freshman students under any circumstances. It helped some but it was really tough at the time.

Another thing she might be comforted to know (although maybe not) is that it's not just a matter of who likes who. Rush selection is done through a mutual-matching system which matches the selections of the houses with the selections of the rushees. The system uses a pretty complex algorithm and, unfortunately, it is fallible.

If the houses she was interested in were having successful rushes, they may have had many more interested rushees than they could handle. When that happens, it's not a matter of a rushee not being wanted, just that some will miss the cut. The houses are expected to rank all the rushees that they "final rush" even though they cannot possible accomodate them all. There are mathematical ways to keep you in the system's consideration longer but they depend on how many houses she is allowed to designate and the unique composition of each rush year's group.

While it's true that she did not get into the houses she wished, it's not necessarily that they had no interest - just that the numbers failed. The problem is that there is no runner-up prize and no one in the house can disclose where she was in their pecking order so it stings of rejection to everyone.

I know it's hard for her. Rush is harder for girls than guys but the entire process is different. Fraternities often cut pledges even after they have been rushed, while sororities are required to accept every pledge they offer a bid to. The guys' hell is still to come, trust me...

I also am sending a big hug to you!

It's so hard to watch them hurting! Hang in there!

 

[minniecarousel]

awwww...I know how it hurts when your kid hurts.

I urged my sons to get involved in clubs at college (they weren't interested in joining a frat.). The older one (finally) got a shift with the college radio station - I would listen to his show over the WEB!

The younger son joined the legal assistance club, generally meant for pre-law students. First he worked with the public and their housing concerns and then he worked in the county jail assisting inmates with the paperwork for appeals and other things. He ended up meeting his future wife through this legal club.

My point? (& I do have one!) is that there are so many ways to get involved in college. It sounds like some people here don't have very fond memories of either being in sororities or being rejected by them.

"This too shall pass" is easier said than realized, but it's true. Hugs to your DD.

 

[SomedayI'llBe]

OP, I'm a current Greek, though by no means at a large school. I think I have an inkling of what school your daughter's at, and if so, she is NOT alone. That school, in particular, is very difficult to get a bid into a house as a freshman. If she's an upperclassman, she had a tougher time I'm sure because a lot of groups won't take upperclassmen due to size requirements. For every group on campus, there is a total number of girls that a group can have. There's ways to go over that number, but it's not easy. And, if your daughter's at the campus I'm thinking of, they can only take the number of girls the houses will sleep, and that is fairly small for the number of girls who rush. Add to the fact that she's an upperclassman, and it was going to be very difficult.

Nonetheless, that doesn't make this any easier for your daughter, and I'm so sorry. Even though I am a Greek, there are many different ways to experience the sisterhood that your daughter was looking for. I'd look at groups that focus on certain majors (Sigma Alpha Iota for music majors, for example). If that isn't the right fit, look at the service groups that Eeyore's Butterflies mentioned- APO is a great group, and there are many other wonderful groups as well. Even other campus activities and clubs will help her find that group.

The main reason that no one will explain the process is that each individual group is different. And some groups consider that information to be private to their members only. My group doesn't: we look at girls on the basis of academic interest, character, leadership potential, financial responsibility, and personal development. Your daughter could have very well met many of these criteria, but for some reason, she didn't click with the girl she was talking with. That's the biggest problem with the system: it all depends on if a certain girl likes you, and it's really hard for a group to meet such a large number of girls at once. In a perfect world, we'd have months to get to know the girls- but that's not how we're required to do it.

OP, if your daughter has any questions, she can PM me. I'll answer them to the best of my ability.


Other posters: Being Greek means a lot more to me than just a group of friends. It's hard to explain- I'm not sure I have the words- but it is different. By no means is it right for everyone, and there are millions of non Greek women who are truly amazing people. It is not a requirement for any good things in life. For me, it lets me have a group of girls that I share something so deep with. It's a bond that's very special to me. It's given me opportunities to do things I never would have otherwise. And there are many women who were turned away from recruitment who very well could have been wonderful sisters, but there was some reason the groups couldn't take them- it wasn't those girls fault.

But please, there is really more to it than just "paying for friends", at least for me.

 

[ksumn1]

I feel for your DD. I'm sure that in a little while the hurt will fade a bit....later she may realize that this was a GOOD thing for her. But right now.... I've never seen the appeal of sororities much. Either way there are many other activites that she can get involved in. Maybe she can join one of the service oriented clubs on campus. Since she enjoys dancing maybe she could put together a dance club or team. Just encourage her to get involved in some way. Life is sooo short to dwell on those negative things. And there are way too many activities and clubs on campus to NOT do something. I'm sure she'll find something she'll love more than a sorority in the end.

Let her wallow and feel bad for a couple of day. Eat chocolate, lie around in sweats and feel sorry for herself. Be symapthetic and be "Mom". ANd then before she gets in too deep, pull her out of it. Try to nudge her on to bigger and better things.

If it makes her feel ANY better...I'm a 31 year old Mom of 2 DD's (10 and 5) who still works in a fast food restaurant (part time) and I just started college last Tuesday. And it's hard. I'm an adult and felt soo selfconsious and lonely that first day of class. I didn't know anyone and I felt ages older than everyone else. I felt like everyone was staring and snickering at the chubby older lady sitting by herself. I haven't been that uncomfortable since high school. But I took a deep breath and made it trough the day. At one point, I felt so out of my element (during a break between classes) that I went in the bathroom, sat in a stall and cried. I felt that out of my element, that I was in waaay over my head and that I had made a HUGE mistake.

Then I got up, dried my eyes and just got on with it. If I can do it, I know your DD can do it. She has so much potential at this point to let this get her down. Tell her to have faith and the confidence that it will be OK. I hope she feels better soon.

 

[moon]

If it makes her feel ANY better...I'm a 31 year old Mom of 2 DD's (10 and 5) who still works in a fast food restaurant (part time) and I just started college last Tuesday. And it's hard. I'm an adult and felt soo selfconsious and lonely that first day of class. I didn't know anyone and I felt ages older than everyone else. I felt like everyone was staring and snickering at the chubby older lady sitting by herself. I haven't been that uncomfortable since high school. But I took a deep breath and made it trough the day. At one point, I felt so out of my element (during a break between classes) that I went in the bathroom, sat in a stall and cried. I felt that out of my element, that I was in waaay over my head and that I had made a HUGE mistake.

Then I got up, dried my eyes and just got on with it. If I can do it, I know your DD can do it. She has so much potential at this point to let this get her down. Tell her to have faith and the confidence that it will be OK. I hope she feels better soon.

ksumn, I think you are very strong and brave to be going back to school. You are a great example to your DDs. I wish you much success!

OP, I'm sorry your daughter is hurting. I hope reading all the bad experiences here helps her see another POV, maybe even make her think that she may be better off not being accepted. The cruelty dispayed by some of those women is hard to read

scottishduffy, your story was just awful! I can't believe they would drop you over a microphone shame, shame on them

 

[lila]

I rushed as a sophmore, and it was so much more competative than for the freshman. I agree she likely didn't receive a bid because she didn't rush her first eligible semester. In our system, it didn't matter how much we liked a girl, it came down to finances. A freshman = 4 years of dues and money for the house. An upperclassman is going to yield less money to support the house over her time as a sister. Often national will set those limits. The physical houses can be very expensive to maintain.

I did join a house, and it mattered a lot more to me after college than in college. After college, it really helped me connect with a lot of people in the city I relocated too. Any organization can do that though - I would encourage your daughter to become an active member of other organizations on campus. She should also maintain her friendships with girls she met during the rush process (from her rho chi group or from the houses) - you don't need a pin to make wonderful friends. I met a fellow rushee at one house (that didn't offer me a bid) that later became my senior year roommate.

 

[emily1982]

I don't get the whole US college thing, but to be truthful i don't think i'd want to be part of something where you have to be interviewed and it goes on grades and looks. I'm sure she'll find her own thing to get into.

 

[castleview]

We have the same alma mater.

I see from your current location that you loved the weather there!

 

[KirstenB]

I rushed in my sophomore year. There were 5 houses, and I really liked 2 of them. I wasn't chosen for either one, and it broke my heart, so I know how your daughter feels. There were other girls cut too, and and adult liason to the Greeks came and spoke with us. She said they had more people rush than ever before, and couldn't accept more. They had contacted the nationals for each sorority to try to get an exception, but couldn't.

It really hurt, and I wish I could your daughter. We all wind up making our own friends, but rejection really hurts, especially at that age.

 

[NCRedding]

Other posters: Being Greek means a lot more to me than just a group of friends. It's hard to explain- I'm not sure I have the words- but it is different. By no means is it right for everyone, and there are millions of non Greek women who are truly amazing people. It is not a requirement for any good things in life. For me, it lets me have a group of girls that I share something so deep with. It's a bond that's very special to me. It's given me opportunities to do things I never would have otherwise. And there are many women who were turned away from recruitment who very well could have been wonderful sisters, but there was some reason the groups couldn't take them- it wasn't those girls fault.

But please, there is really more to it than just "paying for friends", at least for me.

I loved all of your post, but especially this one. It is so hard to describe my feelings about sorority life, but your post comes very close. My sisterhood continues 25 years after I graduated. It is so much more than "paying for friends".

 

[castleview]

I loved all of your post, but especially this one. It is so hard to describe my feelings about sorority life, but your post comes very close. My sisterhood continues 25 years after I graduated. It is so much more than "paying for friends".

I'm not trying to mean here, but I think a lot of us naysayers simply don't understand why those friendships can't naturally be formed and why it can't be based on a common interest or trait. I believe you had a positive experience, but I don't get the interview or audition for friends/sisters/soulmates thing. Friendships aren't forced. And why can't you form your sisterhood without hurting or humiliating other people? I don't think I could sleep at night knowing that my friendships were born by unnecessarily hurting other people.

 

[friendofgusgus]

I'm not trying to mean here, but I think a lot of us naysayers simply don't understand why those friendships can't naturally be formed and why it can't be based on a common interest or trait. I believe you had a positive experience, but I don't get the interview or audition for friends/sisters/soulmates thing. Friendships aren't forced. And why can't you form your sisterhood without hurting or humiliating other people? I don't think I could sleep at night knowing that my friendships were born by unnecessarily hurting other people.

Rush is not an audition. It's more like speed dating. The houses do not have ultimate control - the girls they want have to want them too. It is a mutual match system.

Just like when you go on a date, you can know at the very first conversation that someone - even if they are nice, good looking and smart - is not someone you are going to be close with. It doesn't make you horribly judgemental, it just means that you are looking for a person with whom you feel that you have a lot in common with and are compatible. Sometimes you are right and sometimes you let a great one get away.

Some of the women I met at my very first rush party of my sorority's rush week are my dearest friends to this day. We are more than "sisters," we are dear, dear friends. I am also wonderful friends with someone I met in graduate school who would not have gone near a sorority with a mile-long pole.

Some people need a defined network of people to feel comfortable and some people are more independent. That is why no college campus is universally greek - it's not for everyone.

Not belonging to a greek system doesn't mean that you can't think it's a fine choice for those who want it. I think many of the folks here are feeling a bit defensive since many of the stories here make the greek system seem almost universally bad, which is true of no system.

 

[rascalmom]

I could explain much more about the system and about my own very positive (and lifelong) experience, but this thread is about the OP's dd hurting. I don't want to go off topic & make this time more hurtful for the OP or her dd.

I will just say that not all sororities are bad, nor are all Greek systems. There is a big difference between how things happen on different campuses. I was never "interviewed", nor did I "audition".

The campus where I am from has a mutual selection process, where a space is made for every single girl who goes through recruitment. If she follows all the rules and keeps an open mind, there will be place for her at the end. Not all want to follow the rules & have preconceptions before they come in of which house they want, but there is a place for everyone. It does work differently on some campuses....but those campuses are not following the NPC guidelines.

Again, I am very sorry that things did not work out for the OP's dd. There are other great groups to be involved with on most every campus and I hope the young lady finds her own niche.

 

[Deb & Bill]

So, being Greek is kind of like being a DIS poster, only you don't have to pass a test to belong to the DIS.

 

[goofyernmost]

My father is 6'6" and played high school basketball; but was not playing on the college team. When he first went to college all of the fraternities tried to recruit him so that he could play basketball for them during the greek basketball tournament. However, he thought it was beyond dumb to have to pay dues to "have friends" and refused to join any fraternity. So, he and a bunch of other students living in his dorm formed an anti-fraternity called Zeta Omega Omega or ZOO. Apparently their primary motivation in life was to play pranks on real fraternities and generally make fun of them.

When I was in high school, I attended a leadership conference at this same college and my dad saw some students walking around with shirts that said ZOO. We stopped and asked them about the shirt and apparently ZOO still existed on the campus. The ZOO that night threw a party in my dad's honor and we attended. I thought my dad was the coolest guy and have never looked at greek life the same way.

Your daughter could think about forming her own anti-sorority. I am sure that she is not the only one that has been "burned".

Good for him and in this case you.

In my humble opinion, Frats and Sororities are nothing but superficial social organizations. I refused to get involved when I was in college simply because they struck me as a bunch of "clowns" (for lack of an appropriate DIS way of expressing it). It puts pressure on individuals to think that they are something special and a cut above the rest of the population. My feelings is that they are way, way below the average person. They need a group mentality to make it through and then attempt to bully people into thinking that something is worth belonging too only if you are made a fool of in the process. If someone has enough self respect they can function quite nicely in life without ever stepping foot in one of those places.

My time in college dates back to the time when freshmen were required, not asked, to wear beanies. I refused and would not wear it. I was confronted on a daily basis and told them basically to "bite me". Even the faculty were into the basic humiliation that is associated with it. I was determined that if I couldn't attend college without sacrificing my self esteem to do so, I wouldn't attend college.

As most realize, the college experience is much more fluff than substance. How many, unless in a totally specialized field, actually have directly used what was taught in college? What college does is build a whole new set of experiences into an individual, an exposure to new ideas and thoughts that expand the mind and break down many barriers previously set in motion by the place and circumstances of our upbringing. In other words it helps instill self confidence and the ability to listen and explore more than one thought.

If one truly wants an experience that will test the metal, so to speak, of an individual then join the military. There you can really do things that you never thought yourself capable of and at the same time help put life into perspective. You quickly learn what is important in life and what is just silliness.

 

[bean]

Wow! I can't believe how many feelings this post has brought up!!! Well, I am now a successful, extremely happy adult who has had a wonderful career and even many more wonderful friends. As a freshman I decided to rush along with 3 of my friends from my hometown. I was an honor's student with excellent grades and AP classes. Petite and cute...however I was wearing hats during rush due to the fact that I was undergoing cancer treatment. I had been diagnosed with lymphoblastic lymphoma in my junior year and for 18 months had high dose chemotherapy. I went to a large school in the southeast and mostly preffed a certain sorority b/c I knew a girl there from my hometown and everyone there seemed very friendly. I've since learned that they are a sorority who puts a lot of emphasis on money and social status. My parents weren't wealthy and I'm sure this played into their choices. I was invited to the final party where it's done as a ceremony and you light candles your name is on a wall, and they urge you to choose them. I thought I was a shoe in. My roommate who was also friends with the girl from my hometown was chosen. She decided not to join b/c she couldn't believe I had gone so far in the process and I wasn't chosen as well. The members from the sorority ("can I Help ya', help ya' help ya'") were rude to me b/c they were angry my roommate turned them down and urged me to tell her to join. Anyway, I got out of the Greek system and loved my 4 years at my school. I graduated summa cum laude, went on to grad school, traveled, have an amazing husband, and 2 wonderful children. But thinking back to this time in my life always brings a bit of sadness, a stab of pain. I suppose it was my first rejection. My mother couldn't make it better nor could any of my friends who didn't rush. Over time it was fine and I've learned that while sororities can be wonderful they also have a darker side that is very superficial. But hey, I see this everyday in neighborhood politics, PTA meetings, and the Junior League. I know it broke my Mom's heart in two as she was so worried about her sick daughter going away and this only made it worse. I promise it got much better, but it is something I'm always embarassed to talk about.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I'm so sorry that your daughter was hurt. When we were incollege, Greek was geek. Our older son is a PKT but our younger son wasn't interested.

My husband's cousin is a legacy Chi O. During rush, they'd put her in the ugly room-the kitchen. Nice,huh? Some girls are very nice but some make mean girls look like Pollyanna.

She'll find her niche. Ask her about joining a club at school that involves her major.

 

[SomedayI'llBe]

In my humble opinion, Frats and Sororities are nothing but superficial social organizations. I refused to get involved when I was in college simply because they struck me as a bunch of "clowns" (for lack of an appropriate DIS way of expressing it). It puts pressure on individuals to think that they are something special and a cut above the rest of the population. My feelings is that they are way, way below the average person. They need a group mentality to make it through and then attempt to bully people into thinking that something is worth belonging too only if you are made a fool of in the process. If someone has enough self respect they can function quite nicely in life without ever stepping foot in one of those places.

Just as there are many different kinds of people, there are many different kinds of Greeks. There are the mean girls who are just spiteful, and there are wonderful girls. I think that we don't necessarily believe that "we are a cut above". I know that myself, my sorority sisters, and my friends in other Greek organizations have wonderful friendships with girls who are not Greek. Those are girls we'd love to call sisters, but for some reason they feel that Greek life is not for them. We are totally okay with that, and still love and accept them. There are rotten apples in every bunch. And because of those, we call get negative stereotypes. I'd agree with you that all of us Greeks could still be good people without the influence of our groups. But it pushes us the extra mile. Some people don't need the same push- if so, good for them. But our organizations do great things for us.

I'm not trying to mean here, but I think a lot of us naysayers simply don't understand why those friendships can't naturally be formed and why it can't be based on a common interest or trait. I believe you had a positive experience, but I don't get the interview or audition for friends/sisters/soulmates thing. Friendships aren't forced. And why can't you form your sisterhood without hurting or humiliating other people? I don't think I could sleep at night knowing that my friendships were born by unnecessarily hurting other people.

Thank you for your post- it really is a great statement of why many people don't like our system. It helps me understand the point of view.

For us, it is based on a common interest- the interest in our tradition. You are completely right that friendships aren't forced- that's what makes recruitment SO difficult, because you can't guarantee that a girl is a good match for a girl that she's going to talk to, and that makes it very difficult to see who would fit in a group.

No group intentionally WANTS to hurt these girls. We want to do what we think is best for the group. We do not try to hurt girls: we really don't. But due to the nature of the beast, it happens (without malicious intent!). In a lot of ways, it's like the college application process. You apply to a lot of places, and they can reject you or accept you.

One thing I am CONFIDENT of: There is a place for every girl where they can find sisterhood. Whether this is in a sorority or not, that depends on the girl. But there is a place for that girl.

 

[browneyes106]

I'm sorry that your daughter is hurting. I was never in a sorority in college but several of my friends were in them in at different colleges. My friends who went to smaller colleges had really good experiences in Greek life and they made some good friendships. I made some friendships with some of my friend's sorority sisters and fraternity brothers. I think it depends on the overall environment of the college.

 

[onelilspark]

I'm not trying to mean here, but I think a lot of us naysayers simply don't understand why those friendships can't naturally be formed and why it can't be based on a common interest or trait. I believe you had a positive experience, but I don't get the interview or audition for friends/sisters/soulmates thing. Friendships aren't forced. And why can't you form your sisterhood without hurting or humiliating other people? I don't think I could sleep at night knowing that my friendships were born by unnecessarily hurting other people.

Reading through this entire thread has really got my blood boiling. First, I feel for the OP daughter. Rejection hurts and it can be for so many reasons that people have brought up. To have someone say that Greek life is essentially paying for your friends and that in order to have a sisterhood we must hurt and humiliate other girls is so darn ignorant it upsets me. When I joined I was a sophomore (my school did a Formal rush 2nd semester Freshman year and informal first semester Sophomore year, so when I joined, I was only rushing with other Sophomores.) I had a lot of pre-conceived notions about Greek life when I started college and had no interest. During Formal rush I had a lot of friends join various sororities and I took a closer look because it wasn't what I thought it would be. When I came back to school for my Sophomore year I decided to rush and see if it was something I would be interested in. I came to the conclusion at the end of the week that if I got a bid from one sorority I would join, but I wasn't interested in the others. Not that I didn't like those girls, but I just didn't "fit" there. I got the bid and it was the best decision I've ever made.

The money that I was paying went to various charities, sisterhood events, and social events. We did educational activities as well. All were funded by our chapter. I had a ton of opportunities given to me because of that organization. Besides participating, I had the opportunity to lead within our chapter. I was Social Chair and the Miss Manners of our group. I planned our semi-formals and formals. I was always a shy girl, but because of joining this group and twice a year doing recruitment, I was forced to sit and talk to people I didn't know, create conversation out of thin air. Joining a sorority made me a stronger woman. I never was the kind of person to talk about others behind their backs or humiliate another. This doesn't change just because I join a social organization. Now, I know that Greek organizations aren't the only place to learn these skills, but for me this was the right fit. It pains me to see people speak only ill of them, I view it as rather hypocritical to say that the people in sororities are judgmental of others when you judge me without knowing me... I just ask that you really think before you post.