Children Moving Out?

[Mrs. Ciz]

My DS22 graduated from college in May and moved to another city to start his career last week. He used his credit card to buy a small work wardrobe and a few essentials for his room in the house he's renting with 3 other guys. We had to help him out with the security deposit and first month's rent because he won't get his signing bonus until his first paycheck in a couple of weeks. Once the bonus hits, he'll pay us back for the rent and security deposit. We told him we'd give him 2-3 months to get settled before we have him take over his car payment, and his portion of the car insurance, and cell phone bill, but I bet he takes them over sooner than that. We kept him on our family medical plan until we all hit open enrollment this Fall. He is really excited to be on his own and financially independent!

DD20 is still in college. Both kids lived/will live away at college all 4 years in a combination of dorm room, apartment, fraternity/sorority house and rental house. I didn't considered either of them "moved out" during the college years because 1) they were not financially independent and 2) they were home during the summers.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Mine can stay as long as they want. They can't freeload as long as they want. But they can stay or move back in if they have to as long as they want.

 

[Donaldswife]

They are almost 30 years old, for gods sake. They don't need their mother sitting them down and helping them make a plan. They're almost middle-aged and should be able to formulate their own financial plan for moving on into their adult lives.

I agree in theory, but obviously that hasn't worked. And if she really wants them out just yelling at them to move then during an argument isn't going to solve anything. Sit down and talk about it like the adults that they are if the situation isn't working for them. The same way I would with any family member (adult or not) needed it.

 

[disneychrista]

yelling at them to move then during an argument isn't going to solve anything.

Who said anything about YELLING?

 

[Christine]

In reality it wouldn't make much of a difference what they have in savings if their income is not at the threshold to qualify for an apartment. An apartment renting for $1,500 would require an monthly income of $4,500 or 54,000 annually. Not making excuses but I honestly don't know how any single people afford to live on their own. If they had the income needed to qualify I would be HAPPY to help them with down payments etc.

It is tough and very dependent on where you live. My daughter's first job "in the city" which is about an hour commute from us, was paying $45,000 per year. Her debt at the point was a car at around $289 per month (as well as insurance, cell phone, etc). She lived with me for about 6 months doing our god awful commute and then having to go "into the city" to see friends,etc. She finally found a living situation that she scraped by on. She basically rented a bedroom in a rowhouse. It was so tiny. She shared a bath also. The room fit a queen bed and nothing else. No dresser, nothing, but it was in a decent part of town and close to work. She paid $900 to live in a closet (plus utilities). Fortunately, her income has crept up and she got to move to a bigger bedroom in another house and pays $1300 per month (salary now up to $60K). This is life at 28 years old if you work in a city and are young, with low wages. Now, my son came right out of college at $94K. It's been easy for him. He was home with me for 2 months after graduating. I feel like if you live/work in a city, it takes at least $60-65K to make it work and not be eating ramen every night.

 

[disneychrista]

I was going to respond to individual responses but instead I am just going to say this.

Thank you for your concern & advice. I posted this to see what others have experienced and vented a little, not seeking advice or help for the situation. I am living it and know full well the reality of it.

 

[J'aime Paris]

I was going to respond to individual responses but instead I am just going to say this.

Thank you for your concern & advice. I posted this to see what others have experienced and vented a little, not seeking advice or help for the situation. I am living it and know full well the reality of it.

You've been a member of the DIS plenty long enough to know that when you post anything, you'll get advice...whether solicited or not

 

[Donaldswife]

Who said anything about YELLING?

Sorry, someone else mentioned yelling and I confused it with you. My apologies.

 

[disneychrista]

You've been a member of the DIS plenty long enough to know that when you post anything, you'll get advice...whether solicited or not

I know and even unsolicited it is appreciated. I know posters are only trying to help. I also know thread take on a life of their own and you have no control on where the thread goes.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

At what age did you children move out on their own? Did they move into shared housing or in their own apartment.? Did you help with any expenses or where they self sufficient?

I'll let you know when, Lord willing, it finally happens...

I hear you....

Oldest moved out at 18 (almost 19) hasn't been back. Shared apartments mostly, now "traveling", AKA homeless with BF.

Two youngest still at home (young adults, 25+, both with good paying jobs, and they pay a minimal rent here, but they can't afford to actually move out and get a "place of their own" in this area).

 

[Micca]

They both went away to college. Moved out after that to their own place.

Same here-- DDs went away to college and never returned(except for summer/winter breaks.) I'm somewhat baffled at kids who want to hang around, I couldn't wait to get out of the house

 

[kimblebee]

Mine can stay as long as they want. They can't freeload as long as they want. But they can stay or move back in if they have to as long as they want.

100% agree with this. I was kicked out at 18 with nothing more than my clothes. I wasn’t even allowed to take my bed. I’ve always known I would never do that to my daughter. She thought she was going to be moving in with her boyfriend in October but they’ve decided to wait and save money so she’s back at home. She works full time and helps out around the house so that’s good enough for me.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'm in favor of changing the locks but DW will overrule me.

Remember, it is always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission

My mortgage on a 3 bed, 1 bath house, with insurance and property tax escrow is less than what rents run on small 1 beds or even studios.

Chances are this was not true when you purchased that house. Times change. Neighborhoods improve or decline. Home prices and ownership change with the economy, and with supply & demand.

Who said anything about YELLING?

all caps is yelling. By using al l caps, one appears to be yelling:

Believe me they KNOW mom's done with them being at home. I have made a point to tell my oldest to MOVE OUT more than once in the past few months when she doesn't like something about living here.

 

[disneychrista]

all caps is yelling. By using al l caps, one appears to be yelling:

You call it yelling, I call in emphasis. It is only "yelling" because some random person decided it should be.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

You call it yelling, I call in emphasis. It is only "yelling" because some random person decided it should be.

I think the difference is all caps vs caps on one or two words. All caps would be considered yelling. One word capitalized doesn't seem to be yelling, to me.

And, here we go, off topic, sorry......

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Remember, it is always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission

Chances are this was not true when you purchased that house. Times change. Neighborhoods improve or decline. Home prices and ownership change with the economy, and with supply & demand.

all caps is yelling. By using al l caps, one appears to be yelling:

ALL CAPS ON THE WHOLE THING IS YELLING.

All caps on just ONE word is emphasis, not yelling.

 

[ronandannette]

I was going to respond to individual responses but instead I am just going to say this.

Thank you for your concern & advice. I posted this to see what others have experienced and vented a little, not seeking advice or help for the situation. I am living it and know full well the reality of it.

All kidding aside, we can offer each other advice all day long, and judge what others do, when they choose something different than we would. I note on this particular topic how many posters have said something along the lines of "as long as they're working or in school, they're welcome at home". Really. What about if they're not working and not in school, despite their efforts to get a job and a post-secondary spot? Would you really put them out knowing they had no means of supporting themselves? Who or what would that help?

We live in a city that was hit like a freight-train by an enormous economic down-turn that occurred almost over night. In the span of a single year our unemployment rate went from 3% to 12% and men under 25 have the highest rate of all. Within that same year, when an entire industry was decimated, thousands and thousands of former professionals found the need to go back to school to re-train for other careers. Entrance to local college/university became astonishingly competitive. Our 22 y.o. DS has only been employed intermittently in part-time, minimum-wage jobs and applied to 3 different schools every year; not even getting close to acceptance until just now (he starts University in September). Him moving out has not been a possibility and believe me, all 3 of us are equally eager for him to finally get his feet under him.

This is just our experience - probably not identical to anyone else's. I'm sure somebody will come along and tell me they would have evicted their young adult child to sink or swim, and maybe that's even the truth. But having lived it, like many other areas of life, I'm humbled and know things don't always go the way we imagined.

 

[disneychrista]

Would you really put them out knowing they had no means of supporting themselves? Who or what would that help?

That's what I don't understand about the give them a plan, give them a deadline and then what?

 

[wenrob]

All kidding aside, we can offer each other advice all day long, and judge what others do, when they choose something different than we would. I note on this particular topic how many posters have said something along the lines of "as long as they're working or in school, they're welcome at home". Really. What about if they're not working and not in school, despite their efforts to get a job and a post-secondary spot? Would you really put them out knowing they had no means of supporting themselves? Who or what would that help?

We live in a city that was hit like a freight-train by an enormous economic down-turn that occurred almost over night. In the span of a single year our unemployment rate went from 3% to 12% and men under 25 have the highest rate of all. Within that same year, when an entire industry was decimated, thousands and thousands of former professionals found the need to go back to school to re-train for other careers. Entrance to local college/university became astonishingly competitive. Our 22 y.o. DS has only been employed intermittently in part-time, minimum-wage jobs and applied to 3 different schools every year; not even getting close to acceptance until just now (he starts University in September). Him moving out has not been a possibility and believe me, all 3 of us are equally eager for him to finally get his feet under him.

This is just our experience - probably not identical to anyone else's. I'm sure somebody will come along and tell me they would have evicted their young adult child to sink or swim, and maybe that's even the truth. But having lived it, like many other areas of life, I'm humbled and know things don't always go the way we imagined.

I will clarify my “working or going to school” statement as meaning bust your butt finding a job (or two if that’s what it takes) not sitting around on my couch playing video games all day. Getting into community college takes nothing more than signing up and and an easy to get scholarship that covers most costs if you can keep a C average. Those really aren’t super high expectations IMO.

FTR we were financially devastated a decade ago and yeah, jobs were super hard to come by but that doesn’t mean you stop looking or simply stop trying. Mom and Dad aren’t always going to be around to bail them out, they must learn to swim on their own. Would I throw them out? I hope I never have to answer that but if zero effort is being made I certainly would have to consider it.

 

[jump00]

I can’t believe the timing of this post. I’ve enjoyed reading all the responses- and people’s experiences. Both our kids have graduated from university and have jobs in their fields. My dd has lived at home since graduating but found the commute hard (nearly an hour) so just moved closer to her work last week. We’ve told both our kids that this will always be their home- god forbid something happens- the door is always open. We miss the sounds of a busy household- but are so proud of them. Our ds comes over for dinner every Sunday and once our dd is settled she said she will as well. I love the fact that both still want to “hang with” mom and dad.