Child support question

[Rebelmom67]

I'm sorry. I just didn't realize that these types of boards have "flaming". I belong to another forum and we all support each other regardless. Anyway...nuf of that.

I guess it's just way too complicating to voice our situation here. Please disregard my post...though it will be hard for some people.

I will just take the advice of some and work on saving some money attorney.

Sorry for raising y'all blood pressure.

I feel so badly for you. Please, PM ClarabelleCowFan, she obviously has wisdom and compassion to share.

I know to NEVER post about family strife on this board.

 

[RitaE]

I'm sorry. I just didn't realize that these types of boards have "flaming". I belong to another forum and we all support each other regardless. Anyway...nuf of that.

I guess it's just way too complicating to voice our situation here. Please disregard my post...though it will be hard for some people.

I will just take the advice of some and work on saving some money attorney.

Sorry for raising y'all blood pressure.

I'm just not sure what it is we are supposed to be supporting?

It is obvious that your husband is estranged from his son. He apparently can't even pick up a telephone and say "hey kid, are you going to school this year?" We don't know the reason for that, but I will at least give him a nod for continuing to pay his support. Yes, his child support payment is high, but again we don't know the details of how that came to be -- so how could we approve or disapprove of it? I personally really don't care what kind of car his ex-wife drives as that isn't the point of anything. I also really don't care whether she married again and has other children.

I think the only thing anybody can say here is that if your husband is unhappy with the child support situation and he wants documentation of schooling, the only way to fix that is to obtain an attorney and demand it. He probably should have done that years ago.

Sorry, that's the only advice I can give.

 

[Rebelmom67]

Why is it different? Your husband has 3 children. You think he should stop supporting one child because he's 18 and may or may not be attending school.

If this applies to one child, shouldn't it apply to them all?

You know nothing about their homelife and are just trying to be mean. I will say to the OP again, DON'T elaborate to people like this, nothing you say will be good enough, they have deemed you evil.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, you made the comment: "he should be wealthy by now" I don't quite understand you. Are you thinking that all of the $1500 per month should have been going into your step-son's pocket? Was he not provided for? Child support is just that: To be used for the support of the child. Power bills, groceries, mortagage payments, clothing for the child and all of that is part of supporting a child. If he was not provided for and all of the money was just being spent by his mother, why did your dh not take the mother back to court and fight for custody?

 

[sunnyday123]

I agree that it's only right to help your just-turned 18 year old ease into the world of adulthood, and I agree that it's right to help your children while they're college students . . . but there's another issue at hand here: the OP isn't sure that the child in question is attending school at all. IF one of my children chose to drop out of school, you can be I WOULD NOT pay their expenses while they sit around and do nothing.

The real question is whether the child is attending school and progressing towards a degree.

So you wouldn't give him a place to live, clothes to wear, food to eat? Because child support does go for that as well, not just schooling. Maybe one of the reasons he's doing online schooling is because living on campus, going away to school or just a higher tuition cannot be paid. I just think it's said that at 18 a child that doesn't live with both biological parents is cut off. The only concern seems to be the money.

 

[luvsJack]

So you wouldn't give him a place to live, clothes to wear, food to eat? Because child support does go for that as well, not just schooling. Maybe one of the reasons he's doing online schooling is because living on campus, going away to school or just a higher tuition cannot be paid. I just think it's said that at 18 a child that doesn't live with both biological parents is cut off. The only concern seems to be the money.

I couldn't agree more! The custodial parent or both parents, if still together, don't usually just throw their kids out at 18. Why is it that non-custodial parents seem to think they have the option to stop being a parent at that magic age?

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I couldn't agree more! The custodial parent or both parents, if still together, don't usually just throw their kids out at 18. Why is it that non-custodial parents seem to think they have the option to stop being a parent at that magic age?

What a horrible statement to make.

Non-custodial parents don't stop being a parent when the child turns 18 but according to THE LAW in most states the obligation to provide child support to the CUSTODIAL PARENT ends when a child turns 18 or graduates from high school. DH and I have savings accounts set up for all of our children (including the 2 that he does not have custody of but pays child support for) to help pay for college. When his children reach 18 then DH will provide whatever he can to the CHILD whether that be college tuition, room/board, etc... but will not pay that money to the CUSTODIAL PARENT (i.e. his ex-wife). There is no reason that "child support" should keep going to the other parent once the child reaches adulthood. The money should go to the child or directly to the college at that point.

Sadly some custodial parents see their children as a source of income and will fight tooth and nail and do everything they can think of legally and illegally to keep that "gravy train" coming to them to support their lifestyle (not the child's). Just because you give birth to a child doesn't mean you have their best interests at heart.

 

[livie1205]

You know nothing about their homelife and are just trying to be mean. I will say to the OP again, DON'T elaborate to people like this, nothing you say will be good enough, they have deemed you evil.

yes they have...get a lawyer there is no accounting for scorned women... also I would be embarrassed to have my parents to pay for any part of my home...I am an adult and if I cant afford it I do not get it..and if the 18 yr old son is a drop out then No he should not continue to pay support and since when does a parent have any say in if a ADULT child stays in school?How do you people know what kind of relationship this guy has with his son? The ex may have brainwashed him against his dad IT HAPPENS ...you have no idea what is going on in that family and some of these replys are down right RUDE ! Just in case some of you did not know at some point your parents can stop taking care of you..sounds like the ex does not want to get off her butt and get a J-O-B..

 

[heartsy77]

I'm sorry. I just didn't realize that these types of boards have "flaming". I belong to another forum and we all support each other regardless. Anyway...nuff of that.

I guess it's just way too complicating to voice our situation here. Please disregard my post...though it will be hard for some people.

I will just take the advice of some and work on saving some money attorney.

Sorry for raising y'all blood pressure.

Please know not everyone on these boards is out to flame you. I understand where you are coming from, regardless this is an issue that too many people have an opinion on, even if they have NOT been in your situtation, I know you are not an evil step mom. Others just don't understand.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Sadly some custodial parents see their children as a source of income and will fight tooth and nail and do everything they can think of legally and illegally to keep that "gravy train" coming to them to support their lifestyle (not the child's). Just because you give birth to a child doesn't mean you have their best interests at heart.

You're right.

There are also non custodial parents (and their spouses) who will do anything to avoid paying child support.


In both cases, the poor kids end up getting the short end of the stick.

 

[TandT]

I'm sorry. I just didn't realize that these types of boards have "flaming". I belong to another forum and we all support each other regardless. Anyway...nuf of that.

I guess it's just way too complicating to voice our situation here. Please disregard my post...though it will be hard for some people.

I will just take the advice of some and work on saving some money attorney.

Sorry for raising y'all blood pressure.

I had the same thing happen to me when I sought out advice on these forums about my situation regarding my husband , his EX-wife and his children. We went through a pretty rough court case. I guess I was expecting people to side with me and give me some understanding, but I got A lot of "flames" I quickly realized I had made a mistake...the last thing I need was someone to tell me I was WRONG!! WTH???
Anyway, we ended up winning the court case ...... pretty much everyone on here was WRONG. Lesson LEARNED

Hang in there!!!

 

[BuckNaked]

I couldn't agree more! The custodial parent or both parents, if still together, don't usually just throw their kids out at 18. Why is it that non-custodial parents seem to think they have the option to stop being a parent at that magic age?

And if the parents are still together, then that's a decision they are making together. Quite different than one parent saying "Sure, hang out here as long as you like" while expecting the other parent to continue paying for it.

I hope the OP gets legal advice, and then a decision can be made based on that and that alone. IMO, if the support order says that payments stop at 18 unless the child is in school, then a determination needs to be made as to whether or not the child IS still in school. If he is, great. If not, then the father is in no way abandoning his responsbilities if he stops paying child support.

IOW, if custodial mom wants to keep the kid around for the next 20 years, let HER pay for his upkeep.

 

[sunnyday123]

Why is it different? Your husband has 3 children. You think he should stop supporting one child because he's 18 and may or may not be attending school.

If this applies to one child, shouldn't it apply to them all?

Exactly. While there is more to this story, the parts we got sounded like the child should be cut off because he was 18.

You know nothing about their homelife and are just trying to be mean. I will say to the OP again, DON'T elaborate to people like this, nothing you say will be good enough, they have deemed you evil.

I don't recall reading a post saying the OP was evil, no one has tried to be mean, I just think some honest questions were asked and valid points were made. You can't throw a post like this out there without giving a little more of the story. No one likes to see a child estranged, cut off or go without emotional support at any time in their life, and really the whole post sounded like MY husband has to pay for HER child. This child needs to be supported in a family way, not just monetarily. Maybe the bio Mom did damage the relationship. It's way easier to sit back and use that as an excuse. TRY to talk to him and repair the relationship. Keep trying. No one should ever give up on a child, or resent them.

You said we don't get it. You're right. From your part, we didn't have enough to "get it". Questions like this do tend to get people "fired up" because it involves a child. Anytime the anyone mentions child support and not paying or wanting to not pay, this is pretty much going to happen. You are going to get honest, truthfull answers.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

You're right.

There are also non custodial parents (and their spouses) who will do anything to avoid paying child support.


In both cases, the poor kids end up getting the short end of the stick.

That part is very true. The kids are the ones that suffer when the adults fight about money.

Please know not everyone on these boards is out to flame you. I understand where you are coming from, regardless this is an issue that too many people have an opinion on, even if they have NOT been in your situtation, I know you are not an evil step mom. Others just don't understand.

I had the same thing happen to me when I sought out advice on these forums about my situation regarding my husband , his EX-wife and his children. We went through a pretty rough court case. I guess I was expecting people to side with me and give me some understanding, but I got A lot of "flames" I quickly realized I had made a mistake...the last thing I need was someone to tell me I was WRONG!! WTH???
Anyway, we ended up winning the court case ...... pretty much everyone on here was WRONG. Lesson LEARNED

Hang in there!!!

Congrats on winning your court case. We are neck deep in ours - we won the appeal but the trial court (aka the good ole boys network) refuses to uphold the appellate court decision so we have to go back to the appellate court to have their ruling enforced.

 

[smfritz03]

I am on both sides, have a child where my ex doesn't pay anything in as "court ordered" support. He does however pay half on things like surgery, dentist, extras, book fees, etc. Visitation is very laid back to, we do an every other week thing and get along and my dd is VERY well adjusted and has an awesome relationship w/ both of us, never feeling like she has to choose sides.

My dh, has 2 children from another marriage. Pays support to them, also a higher amount than he should. If we weren't together, dh wouldn't be able to afford to live. I think that's why some people have an objection to the support amounts. Sometimes they are set at amounts that if the non custodial didn't have that 2nd income, they wouldn't even be able to live.

Dh is more than willing to help his children out financially where he is ABLE to beyond the date the court ordered support ends. However, he wants to help THEM, not pay the money directly to her because she doesn't use the money for the children. I think that's where alot of the support paying parents aren't understood. It's not the child the don't want to support, many will continue to help their children out where they can after they are adults, but do not want to continue paying for their ex's lifestyle. Also, after age 18, it should be each parent's choice, not the courts because if the two parents were still together, then it would be their CHOICE whether to continue paying for their child not a courts choice.

My parents are still married. When I was 18, I was on my own. I could still live under their roof, food, etc. But for anything "extra", I had to pay my own way, including college. My parents had 5 of us, they couldn't afford college for each of them. I don't resent it at all or feel like I was ENTITLED to have my school paid for. Where I went and studied and got good grades because I knew I was paying for them, I had friends whose parents footed the bill and partied and ended up dropping out. so see~it can go either way.

And one more note. Those that like to complain about the support paying parents and what they should and shouldnt be doing. Walk in their shoes. I do CASA work and advocate for this stuff. In over 80% of cases I have seen, the custodial parent (usually the mother) has created such a break down in the relationship of the father and is out for money vs the well being of the child. When the court is brought in, more often than not, the CASA and the psychologist brought in make recommendations for the father to have the child because they are out for the well being of the child instead of the financial gain.

And most mothers who are required to pay support,it's a proven fact, they don't or won't............

 

[I_Know_You2!]

Give me a break. I'd like to see the stats you are working with. Women, in general, loose financial ground when they are divorced. The non-custodial parent gains. The amt. ordered is seldom enough to begin to maintain the child. That is what my work with families shows. And the deadbeat dads are alive and well in our society. Check those numbers.

 

[kellyg403]

I can empathize with both sides of the issue. My ex pays his cs every month but he also is pretty good about extra's. I have never taken him back to court to "up" the amount because of that. He makes way more $$ now, but its in the best interest of my children that I don't make the relationship about $$. However, all things re: financials are outlined in the divorce decree so there really isn't anything to fight about. I really think your dh needs to go back to court and be very specific about what he is obligated to do. If the ss is not in school there should be no reason bio mom should be getting the support after 18. However, if the problem is giving the $$ to mom and ss is going to school part time, can't an agreement be made to give the x amount to ss. The problem you run into with cs is that is appropriate if he is living in her home and going to school until a certain age. I do have a friend whose dd is in college. She still is a resident of friend's home but friend is remarried and it is just her and new dh. So, she makes sure her dd gets a portion of $$ each month so she can concentrate on her studies and the other poriton is in some type of investment account for when she graduates. For her first apartment or something.

My dh ex has not paid c/s ever. They fight about $$ at least once a month. It stresses me out and I am not even in the fight. He has asked her to at least open an account and put $$ in it and she won't because she does not want HIM to have any of her money. So sometimes I feel like we have to budget more when it comes to something the girls want, like a homecoming dress when we shouldn't/wouldn't have too if she would give up 1/2 of the money for the dress.

I too think your best option is going to a lawyer, getting some sound advice etc and moving from there. Take all the emotional stuff out of it. If I remember correctly my friend had to PROVE her dd was enrolled and active in order to keep her c/s payments. Is this not true in all states?

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

Give me a break. I'd like to see the stats you are working with. Women, in general, loose financial ground when they are divorced. The non-custodial parent gains. The amt. ordered is seldom enough to begin to maintain the child. That is what my work with families shows. And the deadbeat dads are alive and well in our society. Check those numbers.

Yes, but it seems like nowadays I have more and more friends whose wives are leaving the family and kids. I have 3 male friends who were left with the kids in the last 5 years. I did not realize it was so prevalent!

I agree most women lose financial ground. I also agree that the amt ordered is seldom a reflection of the actual cost of raising a child. But, I know in my state/case I had to prove my daycare costs, any beyond and above costs etc to be included in the order. They just were not blindly added to the baseline support figure.

Kelly

 

[smfritz03]

Give me a break. I'd like to see the stats you are working with. Women, in general, loose financial ground when they are divorced. The non-custodial parent gains. The amt. ordered is seldom enough to begin to maintain the child. That is what my work with families shows. And the deadbeat dads are alive and well in our society. Check those numbers.

The stats are what is in my CASA training book (plus the cases I've been into court on) and I'd be happy to scan them in after I get home and PM them to you (other than my court stuff, legally can't show you that). The stuff CASA is brought in on though, are the situations where there is a disagreement between the parents on raising a child and the parents have the money to have a custody hearing.

 

[sunnyday123]

And one more note. Those that like to complain about the support paying parents and what they should and shouldnt be doing. Walk in their shoes. I do CASA work and advocate for this stuff. In over 80% of cases I have seen, the custodial parent (usually the mother) has created such a break down in the relationship of the father and is out for money vs the well being of the child. When the court is brought in, more often than not, the CASA and the psychologist brought in make recommendations for the father to have the child because they are out for the well being of the child instead of the financial gain.

And most mothers who are required to pay support,it's a proven fact, they don't or won't............

Really? Yes, I think you should scan those documents. Over 80% of your cases the Mother is at fault? Yep, that's why we had kids, put up with the years of abuse, make sacrifice upon sacrifice for our kids, and ultimately get a divorce-because we all truly want that. Yep, that support is our ticket to glory and higher living and now we can sit back and take it easy. Take a look at any Deadbeat Dad poster in your state, for every 10 men, there is one woman. Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as much.