Child support question

[hurricaneb]

In most cases that I have seen, the only reason a parent cannot see their child on a regular basis is if there are drugs or alcohol and then the visitation is supervised.

If a non-custodial parent is paying and the custodial parent is not allowing them to see the child (and there is a court order setting up visitation) the non-custodial parent may want to file contempt and to change custody. I know someone whose ex wife made it so difficult for him to see the kids that the judge finally gave the kids to dad and made mom have supervised visitation with a social worker. I guess it depends on the judge.

 

[Amlee]

I have lived both sides of this story. My donar would not pay a dime of child support for my brother and I. It was only at the age of 12 did I march myself to the DA's office and demand child support. My mother had given up the fight years ago. It was at that time my donar told me that no kid was worth the amount of support ordered. I then told him to either pay or sign up his rights. The idiot was stupid enough to sign up his rights. I then had the courts go after him for non-payment on back support.

On the other hand, my adopted-father paid through the nose in child support for his daughter. His ex-wife and daughter made our life a living hell. Yes the daughter also. She got use to that money and did everything she could do to keep it going.

I am sure there is much more to the story than what the OP is willing to give out. The best thing the OP and her family can do is get a lawyer asap.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

It is not necessarily the father's fault. I don't know the whole situation but look at it like this- The mother who is the custodial parent moves away. The father pays 1/3 or more of his income in child support plus any court costs, lawyer fees, etc. The father may be left with a couple thousand a month to live on. How does he then afford $400 to $500 to pay for a airline ticket? What if the mother says she doesn't feel comfortable with the child flying? Should the dad pay $1,000 or more to fly out and see the child for the weekend? And what if he does that and he gets there and the child is busy? What if the father calls the child but the child never calls him back? How many messages does he leave? How many times a day do he call? How does he pay a lawyer to fight this for him? Unfortunately everything in long distance relationships cost money. Most people don't have a bottomless bank account.

Great post - all of the above applies to our situation except more than 1/3 of DH's income goes out the door to his ex. It costs at a minimum of $1k every time DH goes to visit his children - not cheap at all but a necessary expense. The ex moved the children 1500 miles away yet she has never paid a dime towards any travel expenses related to visitation. DH's ex also only allows him to call his children twice a week at specific times only and 90% of the time (yes, we track how often) there is no answer at their home or if he does get to speak to the children then the ex is in the background hurrying them off the phone.

No it should not, but several references have been made toward custodial parents using their children's child support to live on.

DH's child support to his ex makes up 83% of her household income. She has a full time job making more than minimum wage. Do the math. She doesn't have to work but could easily live off of the child support alone. She qualified for a mortgage on a new home based on her child support. She also walked away from their marriage with everything from their 4br house and debt free including no car payment. DH provides 100% of all medical and dental expenses for his children. He also had to absorb 100% of their marital debt (high 5 figures).

DH's oldest son was diagnosed with PAS last year. The ex blamed DH for it even though she was the one who moved the kids away from their father. She also has refused to let DSS accompany our family on vacation to WDW because she thinks he won't have enough alone time with his father.

I receive child support from my ex for my 2 kids and there is no way on this planet I could live off of that amount but that is what we agreed on during the divorce. My ex is great and if there are any additional expenses for the kids like school supplies (DD needed a $140 calculator this year that he bought), dance tuition, instrument rental, etc... then all I have to do is let him know and he will send money towards that. We parent as a team - that's how it should be. Heck, my ex even joins us at WDW when we go just to get some extra fun time with the kids.

It amazes me that people that have never been in this situation can pass judgment or say what would or wouldn't happen if THEY were in this boat. I wouldn't wish family court on anyone - it is a slow, expensive and exhausting battle. Nobody wins but the attorneys who sit back and collect the money.

Ultimately it is up to every parent to put their children first - ahead of their own greed or selfishness or jealousy - and ensure that their children are provided for and that the children are allowed to develop their own unhindered relationship with both parents. Sadly too many parents lose sight of that in the midst of all the money talk and put the children in the middle.

 

[sunnyday123]

As you can see in my above post--this is what we run into when CASA is brought in. usually those are the cases where mother doesn't think a father should be involved with the child other than financially and the father is able to afford a custody battle.

Sorry, a child needs BOTH parents, emotionally and financially. Most moms disagree with this and want to control every aspect of a child and often do ruin a childs bond with their father to be the "favorite" parent in divorce situations. I'm not saying all, but you don't have to be so touchy about it. Usually the ones who are so passionate about it, have some reason to be.

Do a simple search and you'll see a bunch of forums dedicated to this very topic.

Let's clear some things up. Do not under any circumstances group me into any previous notion you have about divorced parents. I have never and will never think that my Dd's father should not be involved in every aspect of her life. I invite him to all birthday parties, school functions,etc. He chooses not to attend. I have never attempted to ruin any bond DD has with her father. I let her make her own decisions based on his actions. THE REASON I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT IT is that he doesn't show up to all functions, call her every day to see how her day went or just to talk. The main reason we are going to Disney is because he choose to take his girlfriend and 3 of her kids to Mexico and did not ask if she could go. I have had many conversations with him, drug him to counseling sessions and guess what. You apparently have never yourself had to watch your child sit next to her suitcase waiting for someone to pick her up, and then had to console her when he didn't. Don't assume anything about me due to your statistics.

 

[Amlee]

I'm not going through 8 pages to quote who said what. But I can say from my state's point of view on child support. Is that the money belongs to the ex-spouse. Not the kids. The money is for the ex to provide for the child as he or she see's fit.

 

[TandT]

I am on both sides, have a child where my ex doesn't pay anything in as "court ordered" support. He does however pay half on things like surgery, dentist, extras, book fees, etc. Visitation is very laid back to, we do an every other week thing and get along and my dd is VERY well adjusted and has an awesome relationship w/ both of us, never feeling like she has to choose sides.

My dh, has 2 children from another marriage. Pays support to them, also a higher amount than he should. If we weren't together, dh wouldn't be able to afford to live. I think that's why some people have an objection to the support amounts. Sometimes they are set at amounts that if the non custodial didn't have that 2nd income, they wouldn't even be able to live.

Dh is more than willing to help his children out financially where he is ABLE to beyond the date the court ordered support ends. However, he wants to help THEM, not pay the money directly to her because she doesn't use the money for the children. I think that's where alot of the support paying parents aren't understood. It's not the child the don't want to support, many will continue to help their children out where they can after they are adults, but do not want to continue paying for their ex's lifestyle. Also, after age 18, it should be each parent's choice, not the courts because if the two parents were still together, then it would be their CHOICE whether to continue paying for their child not a courts choice.

My parents are still married. When I was 18, I was on my own. I could still live under their roof, food, etc. But for anything "extra", I had to pay my own way, including college. My parents had 5 of us, they couldn't afford college for each of them. I don't resent it at all or feel like I was ENTITLED to have my school paid for. Where I went and studied and got good grades because I knew I was paying for them, I had friends whose parents footed the bill and partied and ended up dropping out. so see~it can go either way.

And one more note. Those that like to complain about the support paying parents and what they should and shouldnt be doing. Walk in their shoes. I do CASA work and advocate for this stuff. In over 80% of cases I have seen, the custodial parent (usually the mother) has created such a break down in the relationship of the father and is out for money vs the well being of the child. When the court is brought in, more often than not, the CASA and the psychologist brought in make recommendations for the father to have the child because they are out for the well being of the child instead of the financial gain.

And most mothers who are required to pay support,it's a proven fact, they don't or won't............

I TOTALLY agree!!!! Very well said!! I think some people don't realize that there are TWO sides to every situation and are VERY quick to judge!!!

 

[nala87]

Let's clear some things up. Do not under any circumstances group me into any previous notion you have about divorced parents. I have never and will never think that my Dd's father should not be involved in every aspect of her life. I invite him to all birthday parties, school functions,etc. He chooses not to attend. I have never attempted to ruin any bond DD has with her father. I let her make her own decisions based on his actions. THE REASON I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT IT is that he doesn't show up to all functions, call her every day to see how her day went or just to talk. The main reason we are going to Disney is because he choose to take his girlfriend and 3 of her kids to Mexico and did not ask if she could go. I have had many conversations with him, drug him to counseling sessions and guess what. You apparently have never yourself had to watch your child sit next to her suitcase waiting for someone to pick her up, and then had to console her when he didn't. Don't assume anything about me due to your statistics.

ITA! I was the child waiting by the suitcase for the father who was too "sick" to pick me up. It hurts..bad. My Mom let me make my own decisions, even encouraging me to call my father often. She was the one who made sure he was invited to B-day parties etc. but he chose not to show up.
When he re-married his wife decided that all my problems with my father where my mother's fault and would bash her in front of me. My father frequently threatened to take child support away after he went bankrupt from too much gambling. His wife told me I was a burden to her and ruined my relationship with my father. Through all this my mom would make excuses for my father and would guilt me into calling him.
I am now and adult who has no relationship with her father, and it isn't even a little bit my mother's fault.

 

[luvsJack]

DH's child support to his ex makes up 83% of her household income. She has a full time job making more than minimum wage. Do the math. She doesn't have to work but could easily live off of the child support alone. She qualified for a mortgage on a new home based on her child support. She also walked away from their marriage with everything from their 4br house and debt free including no car payment. DH provides 100% of all medical and dental expenses for his children. He also had to absorb 100% of their marital debt (high 5 figures). QUOTE]

In your situation I can see where the ex could live off the support; but I just don't think thats the norm. You said yourself you could not live off of yours. And I would have laugh long and hard at anyone that thought I could live off what was sent to my boys and I have never met any divorced woman who could. I ended up without any bills too, but I also ended up without anywhere to live and working 2 minimum wage jobs to feed my kids.

This topic is a hot bed of differing opinions and all depend on which side of the coin you live on. But, in the end, the children should come first and sometimes they just don't. In my situation, my boys never came first to thier father or his second wife. Now he complains that his sons never call him or come see him and blames me! I bent over backwards to make sure he was always in the know about his sons and what was going on in their lives. He refused to man up and tell his wife that he was going to spend time with his own two boys and not just with her children.

I guess all of these situations are what my grandma meant when she used to tell me: "Never date someone you wouldn't want to be the parent of your children."

 

[mickeyboat]

I have a friend whose DH is having a devil of a time with his teen daughter. I think it is PAS, and it is heart-breaking for him. She will believe for her whole life that her dad doesn't care about her, which couldn't be further from the truth.

Denae

 

[hurricaneb]

You can't force someone to be a good parent. I know people who have visitation but don't exercise it.
Unfortunately the kids are the ones who suffer. Explain to your child why daddy/mommy doesn't come to their dancing recital, birthday party, etc. That is why the social workers and therapists are making a killing.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

You apparently have never yourself had to watch your child sit next to her suitcase waiting for someone to pick her up, and then had to console her when he didn't.

That is very sad and must be heartbreaking for you. Have a good trip to Disney.

In your situation I can see where the ex could live off the support; but I just don't think thats the norm. You said yourself you could not live off of yours. And I would have laugh long and hard at anyone that thought I could live off what was sent to my boys and I have never met any divorced woman who could. I ended up without any bills too, but I also ended up without anywhere to live and working 2 minimum wage jobs to feed my kids.

I guess all of these situations are what my grandma meant when she used to tell me: "Never date someone you wouldn't want to be the parent of your children."

Your Grandma sounds alot like mine - full of quotes and wisdom!

I could never live off my support - DH pays about 4 times more in child support for his 2 kids than I receive for my 2. His ex is constantly dragging us back into court for yet more money.

I have a friend whose DH is having a devil of a time with his teen daughter. I think it is PAS, and it is heart-breaking for him. She will believe for her whole life that her dad doesn't care about her, which couldn't be further from the truth.

Denae

Hopefully as an adult the child will be able to look back and see what really happened and at that point have a relationship with her father.

You can't force someone to be a good parent. I know people who have visitation but don't exercise it.
Unfortunately the kids are the ones who suffer. Explain to your child why daddy/mommy doesn't come to their dancing recital, birthday party, etc. That is why the social workers and therapists are making a killing.

Actually social workers are overworked and underpaid. I know several who do the job because they care about the children - not for the money.

You are correct, though. Kids are the ones who suffer the most.

 

[hentob]

I guess all of these situations are what my grandma meant when she used to tell me: "Never date someone you wouldn't want to be the parent of your children."

Great advice

I wonder if all of this baby making goes on before or after they find out that their spouse is a total loser, money sucker, crappy person, etc. It is so sad to see that people will create a life with someone that, a few years later, they have such disdain for

Again, poor kids. I couldn't imagine being a parent and not being involved with my children every day of their life. There would be no greater torture

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Where the custodial parent will still have their income plus an extra $5k a year and since they have the child lving with them, they can still get gov't assistance, etc.

There has to be a more fair way to figure child support. Some states just aren't fair with they way they compute.

I have to laugh at this. As a custodial parent I can tell you that the child support I recieve (if I ever recieve it) makes me ineligible for any type of assistance for my daughter. I have to count it as income - even when I hardly ever recieve it. My ex is about $15,000 behind on support payments.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I have to laugh at this. As a custodial parent I can tell you that the child support I recieve (if I ever recieve it) makes me ineligible for any type of assistance for my daughter. I have to count it as income - even when I hardly ever recieve it. My ex is about $15,000 behind on support payments.

Well, you are just money hungry ! Shame on you. This happens regularly to my clients.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Well, you are just money hungry ! Shame on you. This happens regularly to my clients.

Yes, apparently if I have read this thread correctly I should be able to live off my dds child support!

Luckily myself, like millions of other mothers to children with deadbeat dads, I am able to make things work inspite of the lack of support (financial or otherwise) from her father.

 

[kellyg403]

I have to laugh at this. As a custodial parent I can tell you that the child support I recieve (if I ever recieve it) makes me ineligible for any type of assistance for my daughter. I have to count it as income - even when I hardly ever recieve it. My ex is about $15,000 behind on support payments.

I could never live off of my c/s alone. But, I do not qualify for assistance either. In the first year after my divorce, my ex wouldn't put the kids on his insurance though it was court ordered. Yeah he paid his child support but he griped about alot of things. I tried to get at least medicaid for the kids..I made too much money.

I am a step mom and a bio mom, and I can empathize with both sides of the coin. But trust me. My ex doesn't pay a huge amount per month and I am raising a fashion conscience, fun loving dd16 who needs money for band camp, $$ for school dances, $$ for gymnastics etc. add in 2 teen boys who eat more than the state of NC combined and I am the loser each month. But so what, I signed on for it. I want the kids to have what they need and I want them to be ready for growing up and be well rounded for those scholarships they are going to need. I hear from dd16 that he was sorry but she will have to get scholarships to go to college. Well, she will go and I will be marching back to court once I pay it for his 1/2 back. He agreed to it 9 years ago he will agree to in 3. This will probably be the only stand I make.

I also know that my dh, when I first met him was paying his ex alot of cash per month, paid her rent and her car payment. She was very upset when he stopped doing those things. He had the kids. I never could grasp more than he felt obligated to make sure the kids had somewhere to go with her when she had visitation. So sure, there are some out there that take advantage but really I think it really depends on the people involved and how much they are willing to do. For their kids sake.

Kelly

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

You can't force someone to be a good parent. I know people who have visitation but don't exercise it.
Unfortunately the kids are the ones who suffer. Explain to your child why daddy/mommy doesn't come to their dancing recital, birthday party, etc. That is why the social workers and therapists are making a killing.

I agree, you can't force someone to want to be a good parent. It's too bad absent parents don't realize what affect they have on their children.

Where are you a social worker? Where i am, social workers don't bill privately, We are state workers on a salary with a minimal yearly increase at best. Maybe therapists that can bill are making a killing, but no social workers that i know are making a killing. I wish.

 

[hurricaneb]

When I was talking about making a killing I was referring to the social workers who charge hourly to see the children for therapy. We are paying $100 plus per hour for my step children to see a therapist on a weekly basis because of issues with their birthmother. The government social workers do not make alot of money (I agree with that). I am talking about private practice therapists. (Sorry to offend any gov't people. You guys do a great job with limited resources).

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

When I was talking about making a killing I was referring to the social workers who charge hourly to see the children for therapy. We are paying $100 plus per hour for my step children to see a therapist on a weekly basis because of issues with their birthmother. The government social workers do not make alot of money (I agree with that). I am talking about private practice therapists. (Sorry to offend any gov't people. You guys do a great job with limited resources).

That is quite a bit of money.
Therapists are different from social workers. Social workers are not licensed to do therapy.

 

[heartsy77]

That is quite a bit of money.
Therapists are different from social workers. Social workers are not licensed to do therapy.

I am in college to be a social worker; then can and in fact do counsel people.
At least here in NY.