Changing an adopted child's name

[ms.yt]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm of the opinion that they should keep their name, especially if the child is older than a few months and has been called that. My goodness, hasn't the poor thing been through enough already?

At 2 years old, they aren't going to understand the concept of a "fresh start." There's just going to be confusion over it.

Take my opinion for what it's worth. I'm an adoptee whose name was changed by my bio parents and I'm still a bit pissed about it since I found out.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I wouldn't change his/her first name. Why take away everything about who they are? You can't wipe away the past, and taking away the name doesn't change anything about what happened in the past. I think it seems more like trying to make the past non-existent, and that can't happen. Changing the first name seems cruel, and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

 

[genius118899]

When we adopted my little sister from Russia, we wanted her to fit in with the rest of the family. The other kids' names are Matthew, Kerry, Brian, Michael, and Daniel. Vera, her birth name, didn't really fit. We changed her name to Hannah when we adopted her (she was 26 months old). The first few days we called her Hannah Vera, and then just dropped the Vera, in under 10 days. She did fine.

 

[CajunDixie]

I think you'd first have to know the name. If it's a good name to begin with dont change it but if its a name that combined with your last name is going to be an endless source of teasing I can see changing the name. Say your last name is Tree and the child you adopt is named Apple...then I'd change it but if the name is not a source of misery then by all means let the child keep a part of themselves.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I dont think you should change their first name if they already know it...
They've been thru enough without having to learn another name and not understanding why...
If you dont like the name... try the middle name, or a nickname... but give them some of their own identity... JMO

 

[ms.yt]

I dont think you should change their first name if they already know it...
They've been thru enough without having to learn another name and not understanding why...
If you dont like the name... try the middle name, or a nickname... but give them some of their own identity... JMO

How would calling them by their middle name (which they probably wouldn't know) or a nickname be any different than changing their name?

 

[daisax]

I would start working on reframing your attitude towards the birth parents. Yes, I'm sure they're miserable excuses for human beings -- the problem is that you can't communicate that to their child. The best way to frame it (especially when the child is so young) has to be that they tried but just couldn't do it.

There are many adoptees here who can probably comment with more authority, but just as kids internalize the bad mouthing of one parent towards the other parent in a divorce, I would think that any animosity on your part towards the bioparents might be internalized by the child as some kind of taint that remains with him/her.

I'm sure you had no intention of openly deriding them, but even subconscious attitudes tend to come out, and the main goal has to be supporting a healthy sense of self in the child, and as hard as it is, that includes seeing some good in the biological parents that the child can take pride in (even if you have to fake it to a certain extent).

I have a friend who adopted 4 kids from the same mother (a couple of different fathers) and their problems are tragic. Sometimes she vents (outside their presence) about the damage the parents did (these children are older) but she also knows she has to try to give the kids some positive feelings about them, even if it's just what beautiful eyes they have, or that their extended biofamily must have been very smart to pass on such scholarly genes, etc. The last thing she wants is for them to feel that they come from NOTHING because that will make them feel like THEY are nothing.

 

[beckmrk04]

I wouldn't change his/her first name. Why take away everything about who they are? You can't wipe away the past, and taking away the name doesn't change anything about what happened in the past. I think it seems more like trying to make the past non-existent, and that can't happen. Changing the first name seems cruel, and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

This sums up exactly what I was thinking.

My DD is 21 months, which is young- but she knows her name. She knows and understands it. I can't imagine how confusing it would be to have to move into a different home, not see your parents, and then be called an entirely different name.

It seems like the children have been through so much already, a name change would just add to the trauma.

(I think in the case of another poster whose sister was adopted from Russia it wouldn't be quite the same, since those children already have to deal with a whole new language too).

OP- I see your point, and think your heart is in the right place, but I just don't think it's a very good idea.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

A few years ago DS had a little girl in his daycare class, I think she was like 2 1/2 who was in a foster-adopt home. She had been there since she was a baby (I think straight foster at first) and had gone by the name her birth mother had given her, as all foster children do. When the parents finalized they abruptly changed her name because the "old" name was too similar to her siblings and it got confusing. Think Geoffrey, Giselle and Gianna, and suddenly Gianna became Mary, they didn't change the older two's names. The strange thing was that at daycare Gianna almost always got shortened to "Anna" which wasn't confusing at all. Every time someone called her by her new name she'd cry and cry and not respond. I felt so bad for this little one who lost the one thing she'd had since the beginning of her life.

Having said that before I adopted my son I looked into adopting a little girl named Nazi from Russia -- now Nazi may be a perfectly nice name in Russia (the word for Hitler's party transliterates from Russian as Natsi so Nazi wouldn't have the same connotations) but I'd say I'd have to change it.

 

[Cool-Beans]

My grandma changed my aunt's name when she was 2 or 3. Just didn't like the name she'd picked out, after all, and started calling her by her middle name. My aunt finally got around to legally changing it when she was around 55 years old.

But that poor child has been through enough. It's a fresh start for you, but just one more change to endure for the kid. Let them keep their name.

If you simply must change the name, at least phase it in. Add your name to his. Call the kid Michael John (or whatever) for a few months, then drop the Michael part and just call him John. But, IMO, the child is better off keeping their name. They lost everything else.

 

[ms.yt]

I would start working on reframing your attitude towards the birth parents. Yes, I'm sure they're miserable excuses for human beings -- the problem is that you can't communicate that to their child. The best way to frame it (especially when the child is so young) has to be that they tried but just couldn't do it.

There are many adoptees here who can probably comment with more authority, but just as kids internalize the bad mouthing of one parent towards the other parent in a divorce, I would think that any animosity on your part towards the bioparents might be internalized by the child as some kind of taint that remains with him/her.

I'm sure you had no intention of openly deriding them, but even subconscious attitudes tend to come out, and the main goal has to be supporting a healthy sense of self in the child, and as hard as it is, that includes seeing some good in the biological parents that the child can take pride in (even if you have to fake it to a certain extent).

I have a friend who adopted 4 kids from the same mother (a couple of different fathers) and their problems are tragic. Sometimes she vents (outside their presence) about the damage the parents did (these children are older) but she also knows she has to try to give the kids some positive feelings about them, even if it's just what beautiful eyes they have, or that their extended biofamily must have been very smart to pass on such scholarly genes, etc. The last thing she wants is for them to feel that they come from NOTHING because that will make them feel like THEY are nothing.

And what I'm doing here is venting, too. What would make you think that I would ever tell the child anything bad about their birth parents? I have no intention of trying to erase everything about their past, but I feel strongly about the right to change the name. We may not change it, but if we feel right about it, we will. For you to make assumptions about what we're going to tell this child about his/her parents because of what I posted on here is ridiculous. I have managed for 10 years to raise my oldest son without bad-mouthing his father in his presence, so I think I can manage just fine, thank you very much.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm a mother through adoption. In our case, we changed our children's names, or more accurately we kept their prior names as middle names and gave them new first names. Our kids were adopted from China. Their Chinese names weren't given to them by their birthparents, but were assigned by the orphanage. Still, they are one of the few ties to their former life that they have, and we'd like to respect that. If they had been given by the birthparents, we would have kept them as is.

Their Chinese names are totally unpronounceable by Westerners, and most Chinese folks that we know give their kids Western names to be used in school, etc. If our kids decide they want to use their Chinese names at some point, I think it will be easier as they have them for middle names.

In your case, I wouldn't change the child's name. It is their link to the past. You may adopt the child, but the child doesn't become a different person because you've adopted them. The child is likely to be old enough to recognize their names.

Whether or not you like their birthparents, you still need to respect them for having given birth to your child. ITA with the previous poster who said that you have to start rethinking your attitude about the birthparents. It will do your child no good whatsoever for you to have such a negative attitude about them, and it will show through to your kids no matter how much you try to hide it.

 

[MushyMushy]

If you simply must change the name, at least phase it in. Add your name to his. Call the kid Michael John (or whatever) for a few months, then drop the Michael part and just call him John. But, IMO, the child is better off keeping their name. They lost everything else.

That's right. And no matter how crappy you think their biological parents may have been (and you very well may be right), it is still a loss for the child.

 

[chobie]

We've had two international adoptions in our extended family (one was 18 months and the other 12 months when adopted) both had their names changed and it didn't seem like a problem. My sister's friend adopted from the same country at the same time but adopted a 2 year old and her name was changed too with no problem.

 

[ms.yt]

I understand some of the points many are trying to make about how the child will have lost so much already. However, nobody seems to have a problem with changing an internationally adopted child's name to something more "American." These childen have also lost a lot, so how is that any different? Believe me, we have no intention of trying to pretend that this child doesn't have a past. We will be very dilligent in trying to help this child have a connection to his/her past all throughout his life.

 

[daisax]

And what I'm doing here is venting, too.

Point taken.

I read your post as your wanting to eliminate that last remaining tie to people who had abused/neglected him.

 

[Allison]

My opinion-I would not change their name.

 

[happygirl]

I wouldn't this child has been through enough as it

 

[chobie]

I understand some of the points many are trying to make about how the child will have lost so much already. However, nobody seems to have a problem with changing an internationally adopted child's name to something more "American." These childen have also lost a lot, so how is that any different? Believe me, we have no intention of trying to pretend that this child doesn't have a past. We will be very dilligent in trying to help this child have a connection to his/her past all throughout his life.

I agree and at his age he will get used to quickly. If it was traumatic for a child to have their name changed the international adoption agencies would counsel people against it and I haven't heard of any of them doing that.