Changing an adopted child's name

[MushyMushy]

I understand some of the points many are trying to make about how the child will have lost so much already. However, nobody seems to have a problem with changing an internationally adopted child's name to something more "American." These childen have also lost a lot, so how is that any different? Believe me, we have no intention of trying to pretend that this child doesn't have a past. We will be very dilligent in trying to help this child have a connection to his/her past all throughout his life.

I don't think there is a difference, personally.

It sounds as if you have your mind pretty strongly made up on the name issue. But think about it -- is this really something you want to do for the child? Or is it something you're just doing for yourself? Maybe a control issue of sorts?

A name is such a personal thing to each of us, and a child may see you discarding their old name as a way of discarding their identity. At two, they may not think of it like that, but when they are old enough to know?

I just think it's a bad idea. I wish my parents had never changed my name. I often think about changing it back because it was MINE and I feel that they had no right to do that to me. I'm 41 years old, and it still confuses me.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think it's wonderful that you are adopting. I don't know if changing the child's name is the right thing to do. But, I do understand the dilemma. It looks as though you and your DH are giving it a lot of thought and it shows that you want to do the right thing for the child. You guys have a lot of heart.

 

[Pigeon]

I understand some of the points many are trying to make about how the child will have lost so much already. However, nobody seems to have a problem with changing an internationally adopted child's name to something more "American." These childen have also lost a lot, so how is that any different? Believe me, we have no intention of trying to pretend that this child doesn't have a past. We will be very dilligent in trying to help this child have a connection to his/her past all throughout his life.

In our case, the Chinese names are absolutely unpronounceable by Westerners. Even if you know Pinyin, the Romanization system for Chinese characters, almost no Westerners know about Chinese tones. And the names weren't birthnames, and provided no ties to the childrens biological parents. They were assigned by the orphanage. This is routine for Chinese adoptees. If they were birthnames, we absolutely would have kept them as first names, rather than making them their middle names.

If I'd adopted from Russia, for example, where the names of the children are generally the names given by biological parents, I would never have changed their names.

It sounds to me like you aren't looking for input so much as you are looking for justification.

My oldest is now a preteen. She is keenly interested in her heritage and her origins. She does use her middle name (the orphanage-assigned Chinese name) with a small handful of her closest friends.

 

[ms.yt]

I don't think there is a difference, personally.

It sounds as if you have your mind pretty strongly made up on the name issue. But think about it -- is this really something you want to do for the child? Or is it something you're just doing for yourself? Maybe a control issue of sorts?

A name is such a personal thing to each of us, and a child may see you discarding their old name as a way of discarding their identity. At two, they may not think of it like that, but when they are old enough to know?

I just think it's a bad idea. I wish my parents had never changed my name. I often think about changing it back because it was MINE and I feel that they had no right to do that to me. I'm 41 years old, and it still confuses me.

If I read your first post correctly, you said that you just recently found out about your name change. Is that correct? If your parents had been honest with you about it, do you think you would have felt differently? I'm assuming that you knew you were adopted, but just didn't know your name had been changed? Were your parents open with you about other things in regard to your preadoptive past? We have no intention of trying to keep anything from this child. I would like to think this would help, but maybe I'm being naive.

 

[Laura]

I think it depends on the age of the child and the name. Some children might react very negatively to having their first names changed. Others might think it was fun, especially if they got to help pick out the new name. An infant wouldn't care, but a toddler might. I guess I wouldn't be too set on changing or not changing the name, I would just wait and see.

 

[claudia]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

Personally I would discuss this with the agency. If you are interested in adopting I am certain that you are interested in doing what is best for the child.

 

[ms.yt]

It sounds to me like you aren't looking for input so much as you are looking for justification.

Actually, I asked for input from other people who had adopted and changed the child's name. Of the few responses I've gotten that fit into this category, all have been from international adoptions. Most of the people who have replied to this thread haven't adopted at all. They are just sharing their opinion, which is fine. You seem to have a good reason (or justification) for changing your children's names. I just happen to think my reason is just as valid. As I said, we may not change the name. I just feel it is the adoptive parents' choice based on the individual circumstance.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Have you read the book Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft, by Mary Hopkins-Best?

It is a great book, and highly recommended for anyone adopting a toddler.

We adopted our dd at birth, but we came close to adopting a toddler, and honestly, some of the info from that book has still come in quite handy.

We hated the name of the little girl we might have adopted, but we felt like the poor thing was going through so many changes already, we didn't want to change that too.

I don't want to mention it here, but it was a boy's name in another language, and completely off the wall by U.S. standards. It was possible, though, to remove one syllable and the name would become an uncommon but perfectly acceptable girl's name, so that was our plan. We would keep her original name, from a legal standpoint, but slowly, over time, drop that one syllable and have her go by the shortened name.

I don't know why people don't seem to have as much a problem with changing an internationally adopted child's name. Maybe they feel the benefits of having a more American name in school and throughout life outweigh any possible feelings of loss from the change.

I don't know if it's always like this, but for my friends who adopted from China, they were matched with their dds long before, and were able to send pictures of themselves for the children to "get to know", and provide the names they planned to use for the girls. The orphanage workers started using the new names months before their dds came home, so the changes didn't happen all at once.

If a child's name must be changed, I like the idea mentioned on page 1, of hyphenating the old and new names for a while, before dropping the old one.

Good luck with the adoption!

 

[*Fantasia*]

I would keep her name. She has a beautiful name- Vera. The only thing she have left from her biological parents is her name. It's where she came from, it's her origin. Being from another country is part of her and her name is part of who she is.

 

[shellybaxter]

Actually, I asked for input from other people who had adopted and changed the child's name. Of the few responses I've gotten that fit into this category, all have been from international adoptions. Most of the people who have replied to this thread haven't adopted at all. They are just sharing their opinion, which is fine. You seem to have a good reason (or justification) for changing your children's names. I just happen to think my reason is just as valid. As I said, we may not change the name. I just feel it is the adoptive parents' choice based on the individual circumstance.

Hi,

I've not adopted a child, but I have directed a child development center for almost 20 years now so I have some experience watching children develop, not just phyiscally or cognitively, but socially and emotionally. Social and emotional development have a lot to do with how well a child will do in life. Think about people who struggle in society - I mean really struggle - they don't really have good social skill and are often emotionally stunted.

A child's name is one of the first things they "own". It is how they are identified from day one. From a very early age it begins to mean "me" to the child. We use names to begin teaching letters because children identify with thier name in a way they don't identify with any other word. This is the begining of their self awareness and self-esteem development.

If it were me and I adopted a child I would desparately want to name that child. I can't have children and considered adoption many many times, but chose to remain childless because I am a better teacher/director child free. As much as I would have wanted to name a child myself I would instead have chosen to keep the child's name because they would have already used that name in the early stages of their social/emotional development.

 

[genius118899]

I would keep her name. She has a beautiful name- Vera. The only thing she have left from her biological parents is her name. It's where she came from, it's her origin. Being from another country is part of her and her name is part of who she is.

Sorry, I'm not the OP, and Vera was my sister's name. Anyway, the decision was made three years ago, I was just trying to offer input to the OP.

 

[ms.yt]

Have you read the book Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft, by Mary Hopkins-Best?

It is a great book, and highly recommended for anyone adopting a toddler.

We adopted our dd at birth, but we came close to adopting a toddler, and honestly, some of the info from that book has still come in quite handy.

We hated the name of the little girl we might have adopted, but we felt like the poor thing was going through so many changes already, we didn't want to change that too.

I don't want to mention it here, but it was a boy's name in another language, and completely off the wall by U.S. standards. It was possible, though, to remove one syllable and the name would become an uncommon but perfectly acceptable girl's name, so that was our plan. We would keep her original name, from a legal standpoint, but slowly, over time, drop that one syllable and have her go by the shortened name.

I don't know why people don't seem to have as much a problem with changing an internationally adopted child's name. Maybe they feel the benefits of having a more American name in school and throughout life outweigh any possible feelings of loss from the change.

I don't know if it's always like this, but for my friends who adopted from China, they were matched with their dds long before, and were able to send pictures of themselves for the children to "get to know", and provide the names they planned to use for the girls. The orphanage workers started using the new names months before their dds came home, so the changes didn't happen all at once.

If a child's name must be changed, I like the idea mentioned on page 1, of hyphenating the old and new names for a while, before dropping the old one.

Good luck with the adoption!

Thanks, I'm going to order that book today. Thanks also for sharing your experience. I would like to use some variation of the child's name for the new name as you were planning on doing if we decide to change the name. That's a great idea. Thanks for your good wishes as well, and I'm glad your adoption journey has been a rewarding experience.

 

[anniemae]

I would not change the name, as others have said, I think it is the one thing that will be constant in a very stressful situation. I know folks who have adopted internationally and changed the child's name, but the child was much younger, like 8 or 9 months so they were not attached to or used to the name, and the name was assigned by an orphanage, not a birthparent.

I would second the reader who suggested The Weavers Craft. Its an excellent book for anyone considering a toddler adoption.

Good luck with whatever you decide and congratulations on your new addition!

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

As an adoptive parent who has done domestic adoption and dreamed of an international adoption, I've wondered why changing is so much more common in international adoption, and I have a couple of thoughts.

1) Most domestic toddler adoption is foster adoption. In that case you're usually adopting a child who has been living in your home for months and who you've been calling by their birth name for months (because you don't have the right to change it). They're staying in a home and a school and a community where they're known by their birth name. For a child too young to understand finalization it's a sudden and unexplained change. In contrast since international adoption is final when they come home, families who change their names can do so almost instantly. Any upset over the name change is likely to overshadowed by the huge transiton to a new family, new country, new language etc . . .

2) An internationally adopted toddler is learning that everything has a new name -- nothing is called what it was before. Perhaps that makes the name change seem more logical to them?

3) Name changes are not universally accepted in international adoption. In my experience they seem most common in Eat Asian adoption, and least common in South Asian and Ethiopian adoptions. As an educator working with lots of kids from different cultures, I think it's interesting that my South Asian and Ethiopian students who aren't adopted almost always have culturally authentic names. Families often choose names that are relatively easy to pronounce to the American ear, but it's still Anjali, Dina, Yoseph and Krishnan rather than Carson, Connor and Chloe. In those cultures choosing a name from the home culture is a very common way to show pride and forge a link. keeping your child's name will help them feel connected to that culture. In contrast, the American born Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese students I work with have names like Lauren, Stephen and Jack. In addition, in many of these families children have home and school names, or English and Chinese names. A Korean friend of mine told me that when she was a child her parents called her Michelle for a few years, decided they didn't like it, renamed her Sally, and then when they registered her for Kindergarten wrote Heidi on the forms. She says this is very common, that names, or at least English names (I think she had a Korean name that stayed the same) aren't seen as as permanent. Given that, I think that adding an English name to a child's Chinese name or Korean name can be seen as much more culturally authentic and easily accepted.

In the end it's your decision, it's also one you probably can't really make until you meet your child and know their name. In my child's case the name he was called before he came to me happened to be on my top 3 baby names lists, and so I kept it, even though he was only 2 weeks old. I also added a middle name, and when I founded out his birthname (which was a little later, birthmom hadn't decided when he left the hospital to foster care) I added it so his "real" name is Fostername, namefromme, birthfirstname, birthmiddlename, birthlastname, mylastname. For convenience sake we used Fostername, namefromme, mylastname on forms until about the age of 7 when he told me that having his birthname in there was important so now we use Fostername, birthfirstname (sometimes birthmiddlename) mylastname when he's asked for his whole name.

 

[mum4jenn]

What name is the childs current name and what names are you considering?

 

[cruiserkaren]

My aunt and uncle adopted a baby. They chose to keep the name her biological mother gave her. They wanted her to have something from her bio mother.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would start working on reframing your attitude towards the birth parents. Yes, I'm sure they're miserable excuses for human beings -- the problem is that you can't communicate that to their child. The best way to frame it (especially when the child is so young) has to be that they tried but just couldn't do it.

There are many adoptees here who can probably comment with more authority, but just as kids internalize the bad mouthing of one parent towards the other parent in a divorce, I would think that any animosity on your part towards the bioparents might be internalized by the child as some kind of taint that remains with him/her.

I'm sure you had no intention of openly deriding them, but even subconscious attitudes tend to come out, and the main goal has to be supporting a healthy sense of self in the child, and as hard as it is, that includes seeing some good in the biological parents that the child can take pride in (even if you have to fake it to a certain extent).

I have a friend who adopted 4 kids from the same mother (a couple of different fathers) and their problems are tragic. Sometimes she vents (outside their presence) about the damage the parents did (these children are older) but she also knows she has to try to give the kids some positive feelings about them, even if it's just what beautiful eyes they have, or that their extended biofamily must have been very smart to pass on such scholarly genes, etc. The last thing she wants is for them to feel that they come from NOTHING because that will make them feel like THEY are nothing.

I am just now seeing this thread
And, the above post really bears re-reading!!!!

I have some knowledge and experience on these issues.. and, while I will not say that a child's name should never be changed... I would very highly discourage that any child old enough to know/identify with their name have their name changed. I think that this should only be done after very careful consideration of the individual case... (Not simply... I like the name that want to use better....)

Whether adoptive parents want to completely 'erase' their child's past or not is simply NOT the issue... It is what is best for the child... And, in general, it is thought that What is best for the child is some kind of positive identity that goes back to their birth.

When one adopts a child, they adopt a complete and wonderful human being... including all the trappings that come along with them... (their name, their history) It is important to convey that one loves and accepts the child fully and completely.... trappings and all.

In our state, parents who adopt these children thru the State are almost required to create and keep a scrapbook ( LifeBook) that goes back as close to the child's birth as possible. (sometimes the birthparents actually give some photos etc... foster parents do the same....

In our state, when parents go thru the process of foster adoption, they go thru some extensive training classes that really go into all of these issues.

While it may seem wonderful, as an adoptive parent, to think that now we have this child and this is OUR child, and we can erase who they are/were and any other negative facts regarding their identity and heritage... In general, that is not recommended... For many adopted children, the whole issue of 'who am I?' 'Where did I come from' and some kind of positive link to their heritage is VERY important.

Congratulations on future adoption!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

We will be very dilligent in trying to help this child have a connection to his/her past all throughout his life.

Then, unless there are some real drawbacks to the child's given name... then perhaps that connection to their past, and who they are (their identity) should begin right there, with keeping their name.

I understand how you feel!!!
I see what you are saying!!!

But, in all honesty, your initial post simply did not seem to convey what you are saying in this quote above... Quite the opposit... Horrid past... Fresh start... (erase past, clean slate)... etc.. etc...

I find it interesting that before you even know where this will take you, and what specific child that you may adopt.. What their given name may be, etc... it seems obvious that you seem pretty determined to change the name.

I am not flaming you here!!!
I totally understand your feelings!!!
But, maybe we are giving our thoughts based on a different level of experience and knowledge.

Once again, support and best wishes on adoption!

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I would start working on reframing your attitude towards the birth parents. Yes, I'm sure they're miserable excuses for human beings --

Not all birth parents are "miserable excuses for human beings".

 

[malibuconlee]

We had friends who adopted a little girl from China right at the time they were guessing she turned a year old (since many babies are abandoned no one knows exactly when they are born and they "give" them a birthday). They gave her an English first name and kept her Chinese name as her middle name. I think it worked out pretty well for them.