Can a Long-Distance Relationship Work? Advice (Long)

purplebelle

DIS Veteran
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Hi: I met this really great guy at a college function just over a year ago. We really had this amazing connection and got along so well for the weekend. We were in DC--not our own surrounding; I'm from the Midwest, and he from the West Coast. A girlfriend of mine was on the trip with me and she agreed he was quite the keeper, except he had a serious gf at the time. Lucky for the gf... :rolleyes:

We kept in touch and would chat endlessly online. He confessed his feelings for me and I, of course, reciprocated. He never expressed any interest in leaving his gf but said had the 2 of us been living in the same state, things would be different. He said he had never met a girl that would make him want to leave his current relationship until he met me. Half a year later, I won a trip to his state and he & his gf drove over to visit with me for a bit. His gf was a great girl which only made him look better for dating someone really nice. (As in, you can judge a guy a lot by what kind of girl he is with).

Here we are just over a year later and he calls me to say that he had broken up with his girl and is dying to come see me. He's visiting very soon and is taking me out on a date. He says he can still see himself marrying his ex years from now, but he couldn't live with himself if he didn't come out to see me. He wants to date other girls before signing away his life to one person, so to say.

I give him a lot of credit for venturing out and really taking a chance. (And it isn't so bad that I benefit from it. ;) )

Am I crazy or could this be one of the most romantic things that could happen to a girl in her 20s? He's been calling me often and the connection we had during our last 2 visits appear to still be there. And I am ECSTATIC that he is coming to see me! :daisy: Really, I am just so smitten.

Advice! Is this all crazy?! What do you all think?

I dunno...I think this could really work out. We're both already saying how sad it'll be when he leaves. Could something like a long-distance relationship come of all of this?

Oh, and I should add that there was never any physical monkey business going on. We've never kissed, messed around or anything. It's been so nice getting to know each other through the internet and phone, which we have done for the year.
 

OhMari

WDW PreTrip and Trip Moderator
Joined
Apr 23, 2000
See how the date goes, long distance is very hard to do. He might have you built up in his mind, and the same for you. Only time will tell. Good luck!
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
It depends on how long the relationship stays 'long distance' and how much commitment each person wants. I don't think an extended period of distance usually works out.

(the only possible red flag I see here is that he said 'he could see himself marrying his ex someday'...if he continues to feel that way, it would be a problem)

I hope you two hit it off big and you can be together, somewhere. Good luck to you.
 

purplebelle

DIS Veteran
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
(the only possible red flag I see here is that he said 'he could see himself marrying his ex someday'...if he continues to feel that way, it would be a problem)

Yes, for a second, my heart sank, but then I realized it was way more realistic for him to think that. You can't ignore a relationship that existed for 5 years. When I asked him how he is doing with the break-up, he appears to be just fine. He is the one who broke up with her which makes me not a rebound. Who flies to another state to go on a date? I figured I would just put the seed of doubt in his head, to make him realize there are other girls out there, and then he would date other girls in his own state.

But hey, I'm not complaining...i LOVE that he's coming to see me.
 

daughter_of_amid_chaos

<font color=green>very very very careful about wha
Joined
Jan 9, 2001
Yes a long distance relationship can work.
I was in one for 16 months and through the internet and the phone, we were able to keep in touch and it was one of the best relationships i have ever had.
I feel like it takes a certain kind of person to have a long distance relationship but you shouldn't forget about this guy who you have had a great connection with just because of distance.
 

summerrluvv

<font color=darkorchid>Work Hard. Have Fun.<br><f
Joined
May 9, 2001
The whole thing sounds serendipityish hehe princess:

Hope it all works out for you :)
 

ophie

<font color=teal>I've got color<br><font color=red
Joined
Feb 16, 2005
Just so we know, my ex told this to another woman... told her that I had cheated on him (I hadn't), told her we were broken up (we weren't), told her he was intoxicated by her. She flew out to see him while I was out of town. They spent the weekend together. I didn't find out until we'd actually broken up. He said eventually that the distance I'd put between us when I went to college drove us apart.

I had another long-term relationship that started out long distance. We had great chemistry. Unfortunately, the distance meant we did most of our talking via internet. That doesn't lend itself very well to understanding each other or to good communication.

I agree that, if there's a connection, you should check it out. But... voice of experience, be wary. Distance has a way of smoothing over the rough edges and making you see what you want to see and not what's really there. It doesn't always happen, but it can.

Sometimes I see myself as the embodiment of that famous Catherine Aird quotation, "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning."
 

purplebelle

DIS Veteran
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Thank you, ophie. All opinions help here. I'm trying my best to stay realistic, but at the same time, I can't help ignoring the whole awesome-ness of it all.

So sorry to hear a guy would cheat on you and lie to another woman. He was apparently not a winner. That must have really hurt! I never planned on flying out to see him before his making this big step to see me. (I didn't tell him this either...it's not like he thinks, "well, if i go see her once, she'll come see me...") And I never invited him to come visit; it was all his idea, but he wasn't overly pushy about it.

I really don't know in the end, but for now, it all just seems incredibly romantic...but I am very afraid I'll fall for him and he'll go back home and somehow it won't work. Then I'll be crushed. But I really gotta find this one out!
 

scrump

<font color=royalblue>so the decision has been mad
Joined
Oct 3, 2003
I am a big believer in the "you never know"...

good luck!!!!!!
 

iggbees

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 1, 2005
i met my current bf through a friend of mine in school. we started talking online and by the time i met him for a date a month later i felt like we'd been dating for a year. we were lucky though that he was going to grad school 20 min away from me and i got to see him every day or so, which was basically the reason i started talking to him in the first place. now that i've graduated, i'm at home in nj and he's still in ma. it's only been 2 weeks since i've seen him last, but i miss him terribly. we're definitely planning on making this work.

as long as you guys are completely honest with each other, who knows what'll happen! good luck! i hope it works out, because there's really nothing better than feeling loved. :goodvibes
 

purplebelle

DIS Veteran
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Ahh...even more advice and personal stories. Thanks so much, everyone! Keep em coming!

I might be jumping the gun here and getting too far into it (i so do that), but like iggbees said, I've been chatting online/phone with this guy for a year now. I've really gotten to like him and his personality, etc. His looks sure aren't bad either, but talking gave us a chance to enjoy each other without the looks getting in the way.
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
I guess my biggest question is how long would you have to maintain a long distance relationship? (due to school or work or whatever)

I ask because it is a real strain to not be able to see each other on a regular basis... especially if you didn't even in the beginning of it.
 

snoopy

<font color=green>This space for rent<br><font col
Joined
Aug 17, 1999
Hmmmmm, well, I guess I'm the cynical, unromantic one. Because if some guy told me he expected to marry his longtime girlfriend but wanted to do a little dating beforehand, I'd have to turn that down. Unless I was in it for the short term, which in my case, wouldn't be since I'm not a short term kind of gal. :) So if you are willing to go into this knowing he told you he plans on marrying someone else and that he's out to play the field, go for it. Most women I know would have expectations, but if you don't, more power to you. Hope it works out for you. :)
 

Traveller

Redskins Fanatic
Joined
Apr 25, 2005
snoopy said:
Hmmmmm, well, I guess I'm the cynical, unromantic one. Because if some guy told me he expected to marry his longtime girlfriend but wanted to do a little dating beforehand, I'd have to turn that down. Unless I was in it for the short term, which in my case, wouldn't be since I'm not a short term kind of gal. :) So if you are willing to go into this knowing he told you he plans on marrying someone else and that he's out to play the field, go for it. Most women I know would have expectations, but if you don't, more power to you. Hope it works out for you. :)


Snoopy, you are not the only one feeling cynical and unromantic here. A lot of what the OP wrote raised red flags for me. He started a mild flirtation/emotional relationship with OP while still with his GF. Then they break up and he basically states that he wants to sow some wild oats before seriously contemplating marriage with the original GF. Um...not feeling the romance here. If he would encourage an emotional connection with a new woman while in a committed relationship with the original GF, that doesn't bear the markings of a "great guy" in my book. I would watch his **BEHAVIOR** very carefully, as I am not sure it lines up with his words. Sorry to be wary, but something doesn't seem right to me.
 

buddy&wooz

Jersey Girl<br><font color=red>Helped the chicken
Joined
Feb 23, 2002
I agree, the fact that he still sees a maybe future with ex is a redflag.

Long distance can work- it did for me. My dh and I were HS sweethearts who went to different colleges. We did see each other about once a month during those years. There definitely were bumps along the way, but we both were committed to making it work.
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
I just reread the OP and I guess I too am wondering about the relationship the Op was having with him when he was involved in the serious relationship? Seems like he was having an emotional 'affair' with you....or did you just email every now and again?

I guess I would just worry about how serious he takes commitment? It really doesn't sound like he does. And how do you know he really broke up with the GF?

And, don't buy the ''you are different/special'' crap...9 times out of 10 it is a line.
 

iggbees

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 1, 2005
hey, as long as all you want to do is have some fun... ;)

i'd be surprised if his ex wants to go back to him though... i sure wouldn't if he dumped me for someone else... but that's just me...
 

teacherforhi

Pit Stop!<br><font color=blue>My cats allow me to
Joined
Jan 25, 2004
I hate to do it, but I'm going to have to put myself with the cynical ones here. I personally wouldn't go out with anyone who told me that they could see themselves with their ex. Then why aren't they?

Having said that, my SO is 2000 miles away. The distance thing can work, but you have to have absolute trust in the other person. You also have to ask yourself some hard questions and be absolutely honest with yourself. How will you feel only seeing him occasionally? Can you afford traveling to see each other? And the biggest one is...do you trust each other?

Anyway, just keep your feet firmly on the ground when he's visits.
 

purplebelle

DIS Veteran
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Hi, I'm the "OP."

You all bring up valid points I need to consider. I've thought about this all a lot, but then as someone else said, I've just got to see what happens when he comes...and to keep my feet on the ground (and I'm really good at that).

It's up to me to determine his sincereity/trustworthiness/etc. Yes, I can see how an emotional cheating could have happened, but how else does one break up with another? When I've been with someone in the past and someone new came along, you kind of have to think about another person and almost see if it can go anywhere (no physical cheating, blatant remarks, etc). Then just having the idea of someone else should be a sign that things need to end (as is the case here). I think it was just more drawn out b/c of the distance...break up with your gf just b/c there "might" be someone across the country...? If we were all left to absolutely stay with someone just b/c technically we are bf/gf then how can a person ever break it off and see if something is better?

But I thank you all for the advice, warnings signs, red flags, etc. You're all great!
 









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