Can a Long-Distance Relationship Work? Advice (Long)

[greenyskp]

I'm currently in a Long distance relationship.

No one can give you advice on this. Because some people arent capable of doing a long distance relationship.

Its up to you whether it will work or not. You both have to be agreed on the same things.

Dont let people tell you long distance relationships wont last over time. Think about military couples. Everyone in the military would be single if this were true.

If you were long distance, and it didnt work, it wasnt meant to be. Because if the commitment is there you can do anything.

Me and my bf have been long distance for almost a year. But we've been together 3 years. We will get married. But right now living in the same town doesnt work for us, life-wise. We're young (im 20, hes 24) We have plenty of time to get married and all of that. Right now we're just enjoying life and appreciating the time we get to spend together. Which is about 1 weekend, every two weeks. He lives 2 hours away. And we talk on the phone, before bed everynight. And text message each other throughout the day. This is the best relationship of my life. And its working so well because we're long distance. We both have things we need to work on, and this way were doing it seperatly, but together.

bottom-line: if it works for you. Then it works for you. Dont let other people plan your life. Be happy.

 

[totalia]

I think that you are the rebound girl. He just broke up with his girl and now he's going after you. I think its a very bad idea to be seeing him right now.

And yes, long distance can definately work. My fiance and I have been friends for 7 years, dating for 4 years, and engaged for 2. We live in different countries and are currently waiting for the fiance visa can go through so that I can move down there and we can get married.

 

[purplebelle]

At 21, you should have plenty of opportunites close to home. If you don't, then you are desperate and that's why you are settling for crumbs from someone who used the internet to essentially cheat on his girlfriend. Why are you excited by this opportunity? Have you asked yourself this question?

Ouch! That's all I'm going to say about that one...

 

[purplebelle]

First of all, thank you ALL for your comments. I appreciate all views (though I could have lived without some of the rude comments).

To set the record straight...
I'm not going to sleep with him. I know this. So we don't even have to worry about it...but thanks for the advice on it. I totally knew to avoid that one; just one of my beliefs too. The whole point of my posting was just to get some ideas flowing in my head. Sure, I'm excited about his visit. It could be wonderful, completely tragic, boring, etc. But at least now I've got some outside views to keep me grounded.

I really appreciated people who were more sensitive to my being 21. I'm sure if you're 30, 40, 15, whatever, we're all going to see things differently. But the fact is, I'm 21 and my mind is gong to be somewhere around there. I'm not stupid, I don't throw my life goals away, and I'm not willing to this time around.

Thanks again.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Hi from someone who had a LDR work and still has one every few months. My dh and I had a LDR relationship for about a year. I'm not going to rag on the OP one way or the other because only she can know the guy and trust her feelings.

I can say that a LDR is hard. Communication is the key to this kind of relationship. You aren't going to have that face to face contact that most people crave but you still need to relay your feelings and thoughts and anything that is bugging you, especially in your relationship. Just make it clear and concise because the distance and the forms of communicating can make your communications foggy. Make sure that you always understand each other.

I'm married to my LDR now and he is in the military so it's always like dating long distance and I think because we know how to communicate on the phone or through email or IM that we are still happy and working.

I hope that this works for you but be careful because long distance booty call isn't hard( though I know you aren't into that thinking about the guy) the real kind of relationships are. Always trust yourself and really think about this before jumping into anything with this guy.

 

[Disney Doll]

He started a mild flirtation/emotional relationship with OP while still with his GF. Then they break up and he basically states that he wants to sow some wild oats before seriously contemplating marriage with the original GF. Um...not feeling the romance here. If he would encourage an emotional connection with a new woman while in a committed relationship with the original GF, that doesn't bear the markings of a "great guy" in my book.

Dear OP-
You are probably a wonderful young woman in your 20's, all caught up in the "romance" of this long-distance flritation oyu have going on. As you should be...it's all very heady, roimantic, hearts and flowers, "he's coming to the ends of the earth to find me" kind of stuff.

Read the above quotation. As a matter-of-fact, print out the above quotation and post it above your bed, near your computer, in your Palm Pilot, and everywhere else that you will see it on a regular basis.

A "great guy" does not start a flirtation with another woman while dating a fairly long-term serious GF. Perhaps he is young as well, and certainly shoud see various different people before making a commitment to one. But listen to what he said...he wants to date a few people befout can see himself marrying his ex-GF in a few years.

If you are planning to be a notch on his bedpost, and you're OK with that, then that's fine. If you're thinking you are going to "change" him and make him fall madly in love with you, maybe you will and maybe you won't. If you do, you will be aligning yourself with someone of quesitonable integrity...if you're OK with that, then that's fine.

I'd steer clear of him. I see you in a couple of months posting how sad you are because this thing didn't work out and he went back to ex-GF.

 

[Disney Doll]

Okay, okay, I know...

I'm 21 and I'm just gonna enjoy myself.

Why ask advice, dear, if you have already decided to do something that will turn out to be stupid?

 

[dumboiu]

Why ask advice, dear, if you have already decided to do something that will turn out to be stupid?

Well said, Disney Doll.

 

[Disney Doll]

If we were all left to absolutely stay with someone just b/c technically we are bf/gf then how can a person ever break it off and see if something is better?

You break up with the person you are supposedly madly in love with before you get into a relationship enough with another person to say "you are the only person I have ever met that woudl make me break up with my GF".

Getting out of one relationship to get into another is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

Good luck, my dear...you'll need it.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I agree, the fact that he still sees a maybe future with ex is a redflag.

Long distance can work- it did for me. My dh and I were HS sweethearts who went to different colleges. We did see each other about once a month during those years. There definitely were bumps along the way, but we both were committed to making it work.

I agree with both these statements.

 

[EthansMom]

Some advice and another LDR story here.

Advice First:

You're young and in the first throes of infatuation. From personal experience, I'll tell you right now that when a young woman meets a guy she's into, she's generally thinking about whether they'll get married and what their kids will be named. When a young guy meets a young woman he's into, he's thinking about sex.

I mean this guy is coming out for one visit after just having broken up with his gf and you're trying to determine whether a LDR could work out. But he's telling you in no uncertain terms that he's looking to play the field.

Now, you may have decided that you're not going to sleep with him on this visit, but have you told him that? I definitely think you should discuss expectations with him before he ever comes to visit. I'd go with something along the lines of, "I'm really looking forward to your visit and have lots of fun things planned, but I want you to understand that I'm not looking to jump into something physical on this trip." And stick with your guns -- make the sofa up nice for him to sleep on each night and don't go messing around in your bedroom! (My old college rule was not to let the buttons on my pants get unbuttoned.)

At this point in your life, you should be having fun and enjoying yourself. When you find the right guy, it will work out.

So, this guy comes out and you have your expectations all planned out and discussed, you have a good time...and just see what happens from there. Don't worry or plan or stress beyond having a good time AND staying true to yourself.

Now, my story:

Met my guy at a party the same day I'd turned in my notice at my job in Silicon Valley to move up to Seattle (more money and lower cost of living). We had three weeks until I was moving. Things clicked fast, but what are the chances of it lasting, right?

He took me to the airport on the day I flew out. We had decided we wanted to try to work on a long-distance relationship, but we were both being cautious. Luckily we were in the same time zone and were able to talk a lot on the phone and contact each other on email. He was able to work 4 days of 10-hour days and come for a visit every couple of months (we'd split the cost of his plane tix).

After about 1.5 years, we came to that point where things were either going to have a plan forward or we would have to move on to something else. We went on a cruise together, with our relationship very much a breaking up or making more of a commitment point. Had a day at Jamaica where we were just sniping at each other all day. He asked me to marry him that night -- shocked the heck out of me. Turns out, he'd been working up the nerve for a couple days.

It was another six months before we got our living arrangements figured out (we both go jobs in the D.C. area) and were married. He moved his stuff up to Seattle, we got married, and we moved to Maryland all in a 5 day time span.

Living together for the first 6 months was very difficult because we'd never been around each other on a normal day-to-day basis day in and day out.

But, long-story-short, we've been married for over 6 years and have two beautiful children. Like every relationship, we have our ups and downs, but we work things out and communicate and are together for the long haul.

I think my point is, love and happiness can come when you least expect them. You should be open to them, but you should let relationships evolve in their own way and on their own schedule.

Good Luck!

 

[va32h]

Long distance relationships can work, but you do not have a relationship with this guy. At best, it's a flirtation, it sounds to me (and my 30 something ears) like an infatuation.

Maybe spending 24/7 with this guy for a couple of days will end that, or make it better. Sounds like you have already made up your mind about what to do. Good luck, but don't be surprised if you don't hear from him again.

I really hate to be so cynical, but my husband was a major player in his youth...he had lots of "special connections"!

 

[SherryNC]

I am in a happier mood since I made that other post. I was getting seriously bummed out by some of the things I heard. Still though good points that I would not ignore. However, I say "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Go for it and see where the road will lead.

 

[purplebelle]

I was starting to feel really hurt by these posts...feeling like a "bad person" and all from your responses.

Then it hit me, I haven't done anything wrong, so I shouldn't feel that way.

I never should have posted a personal story on a community bulletin board to people who are only able to base things on what I've written on this page. The thing is, there is more to me than what "purplebelle" displays: female, 21, chicago, etc... But you all don't know that b/c you don't know me, as I do not know you.

Again, I thank you for your warnings/encouragement/realities. The actual event is for me to deal with in the end.

Have a nice day. I believe I am done discussing my personal life online. (My mistake.) For those who were possibly harsher than they needed to be, words do hurt...even if it's from a complete stranger. Be realistic and voice your opinion, but the comments on a person's character are unnecessary.

 

[SherryNC]

I was starting to feel really hurt by these posts...feeling like a "bad person" and all from your responses.

Then it hit me, I haven't done anything wrong, so I shouldn't feel that way.

I never should have posted a personal story on a community bulletin board to people who are only able to base things on what I've written on this page. The thing is, there is more to me than what "purplebelle" displays: female, 21, chicago, etc... But you all don't know that b/c you don't know me, as I do not know you.

Again, I thank you for your warnings/encouragement/realities. The actual event is for me to deal with in the end.

Have a nice day. I believe I am done discussing my personal life online. (My mistake.) For those who who possibily harsher than they needed to be, words do hurt...even if it's from a complete stranger. Be realistic and voice your opinion, but the comments on a person's character are unnecessary.

Hey, try and ignore the ones that hurt. Yes, you may have learned a lesson though. Please smile.

 

[iggbees]

i'm sorry i have to agree with the op on this occasion. she just wanted some advice and while a lot of people gave her that, they also judged her as being an awful person because of what she was asking. i feel that what she really needed was to make her own decisions, which is why i just told my story and wished her luck. i've been going through this with a friend of mine for a while now. EXACT same story (minus a few details)! no joke. so i know exactly what she is going through. i don't want to see my friend hurt, so in some ways i try to get her to look at other options, but in the end she really hasn't listened to me much and has basically done what she wanted to anyway. she's actually planning on moving to boston for him now! what can i do? wish her luck. it's out of my hands.

so, op, good luck, it's your choice to do what you want. just be careful that's all i have to say.