Behavior Challenge Thread

[bookwormde]

“I think asking the kids why they do something is absolutely the thing to do”

This is at the core of analyzing any situation with spectrum individuals (and NT also), and is a big piece that is missed by many who have or work with individuals on the spectrum. Even if you do not understand or do not agree with the “why” it gives tremendous insight into “where the persons mind is”. Making assumptions about the “why” in most cases leads to misdirections and missed opportunities.


There is a certain amount of detective work, which comes along with the asking of “why” and it works best when done in a detached non judgmental way.
bookwormde

 

[DisDreaminMom]

I think if more people asked "why" in everyday situations, life would be less frustrating. Some of my son's answers for "why" are just amazing. Like there is no way I could have ever thought of that amazing. Becky, your children will appreciate you asking until they hit the MANWALL and shut down (remember asking your boyfriend or husband, "What are you thinking?" and being stunned by "Nothing!" over and over?) If you caught "Kath & Kim" when Mya Rudolph plays the self-help guru, you make me think of how it would be to ask your kids why all the time in a calm non-judgmental way .

I happened to watch the funny CBS show with the Aspie in it last night. If anyone caught that episode, it was spot on. ("well played")

We have old house, crooked floors, too. No pencil finds a resting place unless it wedges itself on the leg of furniture. Rolling stone=no moss.

DS is sick with head/chest gunk today. Normal people would push through, but being "off" makes DS very agitated and unable to focus. Plus he has an aversion towards Kleenex and no one but a mother wants to deal with that. Did you read in AP story last week that proper way to blow nose is to NOT blow nose? So my snot snorting kid has been right all along...

 

[BeckyScott]

DisDreamin, youngest DS won't blow his nose either. Hmmm. The only thing I've found that works at all is if it's real bad, we put him in the shower (as hot as he will put up with, which isn't very hot) and let 'er run.

And in our house, it's not pencils, because pencils disappear so if I see one I pick it up right away. It's those darn Magnetix balls. I don't think there's a room in the house without 3 or 4 of them rolled under the furniture. Whenever DS wants to play with his Coaster and can't find any balls, I can pull out a piece of furniture and find some for him.

Yesterday I had one of those days where you spend the whole day on the phone yet get nothing accomplished. (I know you all know what I mean) I was trying to set up an appt for oldest DS for a proper evaluation, and being influenced by Bookwormde, since there is suspected Aspergers, I want to take him someplace good and not to BillyBob The Psychiatrist Down The Street. By the end of the day and after running my cell battery to nothing, this is what I got accomplished: I can get him into a local psych mid-March. And we will go, although that isn't going to be "good enough" for me. The two big hospitals in the state that I would consider qualified, one of them their intake person will call me back in 4 days and do the 20 questions. The other one I talked to the intake person and answered all the questions right and she is sending paperwork which I have to fill out and send back before we can get an appt, and they are already booked into June. This whole thing also involved me calling and going to our local ped's office for referral purposes, and calling DS's service coordinator to see if there was anything she could do.

Plus we are trying to get FMLA put into place for if DH needs to stay home, and I had questions, and of course ended up on the phone with someone who I am pretty sure English is their second language. So that was fun.

I don't think most people "get" what a full-time job a special needs kid really is. And potentially two? Forget it. Except for you all. At least that's one thing we can all agree on. Familiarity with red tape and "gatekeepers" and using all the right acronyms to get what you need. DH comes to IEP meetings and he is completely lost, as we are all speaking a foreign language. I remember way back when DS was in First Steps and we had a family joke that you know you've crossed over the line when the word "proprioceptive" is part of your every-day vocabulary.

 

[mechurchlady]

At least your "kid" cannot legally lock you out of the house and evict you, lol. She bruises easy since I was a kid so that would be nice to show the police.

I do not know the IEP lingo as my kid dropped out of high school in the 1940's but I am pretty familiar with the rest of the lingo. Good luck on the diagnosis and big hugs and chocolates and the megasized Becky cup of coffee.

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Ouch, Mechurchlady, you win on that one. I didn't even think of the ramifications of your situation. How about a tightrope to go with those fragile nerves? I feel for you even more. But surely you have power of attorney over her, right? I mean, it doesn't sound like proving her to be incompetent would be too much of a stretch. If you haven't talked to a good lawyer, then maybe keeping a journal of her behavior is a good idea (and video tape of her tantrums would be a huge help to you in case anything "bad" ever happened). Cover your a*#@ is your motto in this situation. Especially if she gets paranoid. I don't know much about your situation, but I do hope you have the help you need. I think someone with knowledge of your state laws and the elderly could help you more. I worry about you...

Becky, I got so mad at the Magnetix balls all over the house that they all "magically" disappeared. Why, where could they be? Out of sight is out of mind.

I give DS loratidine (Claritin) when he first gets sniffles and keep him on it until it's over. Then I keep the humidifier going. Apparently the way to stave off sinus infections is to not blow nose (it forces infection into sinuses), use a decongestant, and crank up the humidity. Funny to read the decongestant part, because I started doing that a few years ago to keep DS and DD from getting asthma flare-ups after chest colds. Turns out my way is the good way. And I can't stand Benadryl. It makes people a little cukoo. We don't need any of that. Loratidine seems to just do it's job and not play around with the chemistry.

Just one last thought; my kid might get upset, but he's no chimpanzee. Can you imagine keeping an animal whose primary battle instinct is to chew off the testicles, face, hands and feet of his "opponent"? "He's not even being mean, he's just being a chimp." is what the animal expert said on the news. We've come a long way, baby.

 

[mechurchlady]

I love my mother very much though I spent most of my life avoiding her. She is a neurovariant who never got diagnosed or helped. Can you imagine a life where you are hypersensitive and think you have ESP. The ability to read people in detail and know when they are lying or hurting. To not have a way to vent your anger, pain or fustrations other than the way a child does in tantrums, cussing and fits. To be slapped as a kid for being stubborn and willful. For not having people help her to be socially adept. Being told all her life she is stupid and cannot do things.

I feel sorry for her and would never institutionalize her or get power of attorney or in any way take away her freedoms and rightss. She did not ask to be born different and needs love and compassion.

 

[BeckyScott]

We used Claritin for a long time, but it started to become ineffective just because he'd taken it for so long. So now we are on Zyrtec. I noticed last week that Walgreens had finally made their own store-brand of Zyrtec, which is the first I've found. It's still expensive, though, $10 a box instead of $14, for a dozen chewables. And he's on Singulair too. I don't know how much good either one of them really do.

Benedryl always made me sleepy. However, we've found nothing that makes DS sleepy. Not allergy meds, not even melatonin or even Clonidine or even whatever-it-was that they gave him to make him relax before they did the dental surgery (valium maybe?). Sitting up on the gurney yapping away at anyone who would listen.

ChurchLady, I don't think DisDreamin meant to offend. Lots of times, you know, as people age, even if they've never had any issues at all, they eventually need someone to do a Power Of Attorney for them. Just because they're older and get confused easier or maybe don't have a good understanding of what's going on. My MIL, now I can't say she was ever 100% "normal" if you KWIM, she's 80 now and DH's family has had several conversations about what to do. She lives alone (but in a retirement village) and will sometimes tell us stories of things that have happened during the week that really worry us. She outright refuses to move to someplace more supervised, but she really doesn't need to live alone. Your mom does have you there, at least, which is good, you're able to keep an eye on her meds and her cooking and people calling the house. It's just that if something should happen where she couldn't handle stuff anymore, and it was all in her name, you could really have a problem. Shoot, my DH can't even call about our phone bill because it's in my name, they won't talk to him.

 

[mechurchlady]

DisDreaminMom did not offend me but you do not understand how I feel. We fight for the rights of the disabled and educate people on disabilities and talk about dignity and wanting respect despite having limitations. There is nothing wrong with my mother mentally other than her birth defects or what ever that make her highly sensitive and HSD/HSC and SID/SPD.

I feel, that she could live alone without me. She only needs a few adaptations to the house and someone to clean and shop. If I were her I would not need anyone and would use city transport to go shopping or get me a powerchair or something.

How dare I deny a disable person their freedom. Would you tell bookwormde that you are doing a power of attorney on him or how about talking hands or dclfun/kathy. Mom is a normal person who just needs the world to shut up, calm down and not overwhelm her. Left on her own she does little things like clean the floor and make lunch. She even once wrote a check.

Not offended but at the same time just overwhelmed and crying tired of having to deal wth a neurovariant mother who is like my child and especially when I have my problems. I will fight for kids to be properly tested and labeled and educated and helped because my mom is what they could end up like.

Hug your children and enjoy the golden moments no matter how few. I never had kids and having mom is enough to make anyone want 10 kids. All my life she was so kid like. Saying things like roasty beef is normal and loving plushies and getting upset if they are hurt is normal. No power of attorney or court orders or psychiatrists. She will stay in the cracks of life hidden in her dark little world like a lost child. I lvoe her so much.

hugs and choclates and coffee and dole whips
Laurie

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Mechurchlady, I don't think that you should institutionalize your mother. I think that everyone has rights and should live the way they want. My mom is agoraphobic and I know that no matter what, she should live out the end of her days in her house, no matter what I think of it. I know that you love your mom and work so very hard to care for her the best you can. I am sure that she is a wonderful, intelligent woman and it is heartbreaking that she did not have help she needed before you were even a twinkle in her eye.

That said, I wonder-compassionately- how you can be worried about her locking you out of the house and not being able to do anything about it but being upset when I offer a solution for this POSSIBLE outcome. Having a power of attorney does not take away her freedom in any way. What it means is that if she for some reason is incapacitated or unable to handle her affairs, then you would be able to make decisions for her ON HER BEHALF. What you are missing is that should she ever make a claim that you somehow hurt her OR she went to the Dr.'s office with a few bruises, then it is possible that your worst fears would be realized (also, if you were hurt or incapacitated for some reason.) The State could take protective custody of your mom and put her in a home and Medicare could use her house to pay for it if things are not set up legally to prevent this from happening.(Maybe they already are- I don't know??) This is a WORST CASE SCENARIO, but you are the one that brought it up, and so it must bother you. I don't think that arranging things so that you are BOTH protected is in anyway being dishonorable to your mom or you. This way you can control her care and legally ensure that she is left in her home, with in home assistance, and specific routines will not be interrupted.

My best friend's mom had a very bad head injury a few years ago, and she is "independent" but also doesn't realize that the roof is leaking or that there are dead mice in the kitchen. Her sense of smell is gone and she is deaf in one ear. She lives by herself with her dog and cats and knows what day it is, who the president is, etc. But she also becomes unglued when the neighbors do something she thinks is "bad" and has had the police called on her before for being threatening. She also is a very productive person and a nice lady when she's in her comfort zone. She does her own shopping, takes care of horses, etc. but she can have some bad days and then people start calling my friend. My BF has had to get POA because her mom forgot to pay bills and taxes and didn't get the mail for two months and had utilities turned off, etc.She let's her mom "be", but she is also the safety net should something happen. Her mom was upset about it at first, but also didn't want somebody other than her daughter making her care decisions, like taking away her animals, etc. And when she talked to a lawyer about it, she didn't say "My mom is a wack job and unable to care for herself". She just explained that her mother needed more help SOMETIMES and she wanted to be sure that she was the one to help should anything happen. It also helps protect against "predators" who take advantage of people like her mom. This way she can't give the house away to some lady she meets in the grocery store or something. It's like having a Living Will and a Will. It just makes the bad times a little less bad.

That's all. I am dropping the subject.


My mom sent DS four pink dress shirts. He was so happy to have pink BOY shirts that he wore every single one yesterday. He dressed himself this morning, too. My mom wears a "uniform" everyday, and now DS has his pink shirt uniform, too. That's love. Sending the kid pink shirts. Does this mean he will dress himself every morning???

 

[mechurchlady]

As for the pink shirts go for it. If he will dress himself in pink shirt then you have made a giant step forward in the self dressing part of life. Eventually he might go for blue shirts but at least he dressed himself. CONGRATULATIONS. Break out the coffee, dole whips and chocolates with hot fudge sundaes. CONGRATULATIONS.

Don't worry about mom actually evicting me. She needs me to pay bills, provide for her needs and care for her. She would not move to Georgia during the housing boom so we could have a nice home that was clean and new and disabled friendly. It is her coping mechanism and more than once since high school she was moving and leaving me and dad. Had a date and that passed. She would threaten to get out of the car and more than once opened the door.

Once she was mad so she said she was taking the bus home from the Downey Mall. I waited for her to go into the mall then drove home and told dad that she done pushed one too many buttons and was at the mall without me. He said I wrong to leave her there but she deserved it, lol. Normally neurovariants would stim, scream, bite, kick and have fits but my mom's coping mechanism is passive aggressive behavior like telling her brat that the person at the door is the cops coming to take the brat away or threatening to get out of a moving car.

A little story for you all to laugh.
I was taking mom somewhere and I noticed she was hiking her dress up. I am trying to drive while more and more leg showed . It seems she forgot her half slip and was looking for it. lol

Yopu are right that I need to start taking legal action to protect the house and cemetary plots and her plushies, lol. It is mom's passive aggressive genes coming out in me I guess. Inside I know God provides but honestly I also do sort of think sometimes what I would do without her. Hugs to some very nice moms here and thanks for helping me. Remeber to love your kids because without your love they could end up like my mom and me.

 

[PrincessMom4]

How do you handle the challenges of aspies?? I have a child that has gone through a variety of tests (connor's form, DSV, etc) and we're still waiting for a proper diagnosis. The labelled her with ODD and ADHD, but to me she might be either Autistic or Asperger. Yes I know I was in here a while ago still don't have a proper diagnosis. I still think she is aspie. How do you all handle the people staring at you when your child throws a meltdown in public?

 

[mechurchlady]

PrincessMom4 you deserve lots of hugs and chocolates.

If a child has a problem with social skills or lack of them then they may seem ODD or ADD. There is a need to get to the root of the behavior. Food allergies and autism can make a child seem ODD but really the child is affected by the allergy or cannot deal with issues because of the autism. You need to take each wrong thing and analyze why the child does what it does.

I thought mom and I were ODD for a while but then realized she is hypersensitive and SID while I am hypersensitive to a way lesser degree and SID. She has her ODD moments and she will not eat without asking what is on the plate. Our house is trashed and not fit to live in because of those hissy fits and her ODD like attitude which really was her being over sensitive and having no coping mechanisms for when she was overloaded.

Read the threads and you see how parents deal with strangers. They focus on their child because taking time to talk to strangers means the meltdown lasts longer. I tell people to ignore what others think as they have not walked in your shoes. I am a neurovariant but not aspie and can tell you that it is hard being different from others so I try hard not to judge people nowadays. I walked in my shoes for a long time and know that what I see may not be what I judge to be going on.

Big hugs and chocolates for you, PrincessMom4
I will leave lots of coffee for Becky.
Laurie

 

[DisDreaminMom]

You can't worry about the people staring at your when your kids throws down in a public place. I have been HIGHLY embarrassed by my DS on several occasions. I've had the kind of day where I look at DH after everyone goes to bed and say, "I don't think I can handle this! I can't do this gracefully and I hate people looking at me". I think you just try to do what you and your child need to do and let it go. It's easy to feel like people are judging you, but maybe they are sympathetic or thinking how lucky they think you are...The grass is often greener and you don't know how brown someone else's grass is!

Here is the awkward part of Aspie kid. We are my mom's house yesterday for a visit. DS is now obsessed with Brass instruments. Wants a French Horn. (Cause it's french!). My dad passed away two years ago in April. As you may have guessed, my mom is somewhere on the spectrum, so she does not deal with emotion as a normal person. When my dad died suddenly of a heart attack on a Saturday, the first person she went to see on Monday was her stock broker (and dragged my sister and I with her). Dad was a trumpet player in a band for many years, so kids have seen many brass instruments in her house. DS called Grandma and asked her if he could come see her instruments.

So we drive an hour to see her. Possible bonding experience, right? (She does not hug, rarely shows affection, is very serious, is only interested in them if they ask about her). This is fine by my Aspie DS, but it took some heavy explaining for normal DD, because she thought Grandma didn't love her, based on how other grandparents act. Mom does not talk about my father with anyone, unless it gets her something (is that mean? I don't mean it to be, but she drops his name all the time to get people to do what she wants).

So always questioning DS says in the middle of lunch, "Where IS Grandpa?" My mom says, "Well, he died." DS says, "How did he die?" "His heart stopped.", says Mom. "Why does that make you die?", says DS. "It just does.", says Mom.

OOOOKKKAAAAYYYYYY. Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts.

Anyway, mom gets out dad's glorious trumpet after letting DS play with an old army bugle. She takes it out of case, turns bright red, shuts case and that's the end of it.

I just don't get it. So I guess my only real job is to help DS learn to not end up like my mother...And the worst part is, my dad would have gotten the biggest kick out of DS taking an interest in his trumpet. He would have loved to share his passion with my son.

 

[mechurchlady]

Hugs tight DisneyMom

Your mother is another example of the neurovariants who never got the early intervention. Your mom never hugged so she never got the love that a hugger got and her attributes would have made her an outsider. Bless your father for loving her. My mom never kissed me that I can remember since I was 5 and no hugs that I can remember or anything. She loves me dearly but no touching and I need that so much.

That is why I am here, I think, to stop kids from growing up like our moms and ourselves. You got a great kid there and hopefully he will keep up his love of music. The apple does not fall far from the tree and in this case maybe he will be like his grandfather.

 

[BeckyScott]

Gee it's too bad there aren't any other "French" instruments. Preferably quiet ones, of course. My DH played French horn in high school, it's apparantly a chick magnet, you might wanna be careful.

We're having big fun now. Getting oldest DS's eval lined up, I received a packet of information to fill out and send back. Huge amounts of information. The fun part is, part of it they sent me a blank family tree to fill out. I've never looked too hard, and probably for good reason. The tree does branch, at least, we're not total hillbillies. But the further you look, the odder you find.

I think it's most strange, though, that while I was told plenty of info about medical conditions, apparantly nobody nowhere had any mental health conditions, or behavioral problems or learning problems. And everyone knew why I was asking. And I don't think it's really true, I just think that nobody talked about it. I think the family tree is planted very close to the River Denial, if you kwim. I respect that people have a right to their own business, but there are times when it is best to be honest. I remember when youngest DS was first diagnosed, there was some discussion (read: denial) about which "side" such a thing would have come from. UGH!

I'd say there's a clinic about to get more information than they wanted.

Princess, generally I ignore everyone. I just keep talking to DS, as calmly as possible, so that the starer knows I am trying to handle the situation. Every now and then if I'm in a really grumpy mood, I might say something. If you are stumped, there are business cards you can buy or make your own like http://www.autismcards.com/autism-cards.html

 

[Schmeck]

Becky, I just had the same conversation with my Mom! I had mentioned that older DD could most likely be tagged with an Asperger's syndrome label, if I had chosen to push in that direction. She certainly has many of the tendencies. My mother took a head-first plunge into the River Denial, even when she pointed out that I was the same way as a child, LOL! I think it runs through my dad's family, BTW.

 

[mechurchlady]

Same with my family Becky, they do not see all the quirks that I have seen. I was raised by my grandmother and spent a lot of time hearing stories that only mom and I got to hear. What family wants to talk about Uncle Charlie who was a bit not normal. Also what is abnormal may be normal for a family.

I see the coffee worked, hugs for Becky.

Thanks for the memories and the help, momma is changing bit by bit each day thought not much I see overall changes.
Bye Bye
hugs
Laurie

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Here ya go, Mechurchlady, from one unhugged kid to another Ask me how many boyfriends I had in school, trying to get hugs and approval Thank God I met my husband. I could see a completely different outcome had he not come along. (Can you say, natural Octomom?)

Becky, I know all about the five pound packet. The first one that we got scared the hell out of me, but I think its' to give the interns something to do . It's so much to process. They don't want to know things that I would consider important and they want to know stuff that to me is not, but I guess that's why I'm not a medical professional.

Speaking of family trees, my favorite babysitter in Florida had a strange one. Her parents got divorced when she was a baby and her mother married her father's father. Her little half-sister was her aunt. Her Maternal Grandmother married her Paternal Grandfather's brother. I think a few cousins married, too. She tells a very funny story about how when she was a Senior in HS, she was supposed to do a class project Family Tree. She asks the teacher to give her an alternate assignment, which he refuses. She says she'll have to fail the class then. He asks what's so bad about her family that she can't do project like everybody else. "My family tree has no fork", she says. Classic. She got an alternate assignment. Have you ever heard that song "I'm my own grandpa"? I sing it her, lovingly, of course.

My mom WILL NOT talk about her childhood. It's that bad. We don't even ask. According to my Aunt, it was pretty awful.

Hey, not to brag, cause I'm not, but I just called Cast Member line (I work at TDS) and I was able to get a few nights at the new Treehouse Villas in June right when they first open. I can't believe that they even had them available. I'm driving down with my kids and meeting my aunt and uncle. They are both cancer survivors and never been to Disney anything. In fact, my aunt (my mother's younger sister) just went to the circus for the first time last week (she's almost 60). After her cancer, she got a new lease on life and decided to do all the stuff she never even thought of doing before. I'm so excited. My uncle has muscle weakness problems from his cancer, so I got a HC unit. This way, DS won't freak out about the stairs (still a big fear for him, but not enough for me to feel justified getting a HC unit for it alone).

I'm very excited. I just needed something to be happy about and this was it (it'll get me through for a long time!).

You all are the best.

 

[C&G'sMama]

I'm not sure DS is going to make it past K. He didn't do his homework over break. So we are cathing up tonight. DP was smart and went to a PTA meeting. I have him in the kitchen while I'm cleaning. Although I need a sanity break. My house is a wreck, we have a friend's daughters coming over tomorrow and Thursday while she has meetings. And I'm pulling my hair out with homework!!!!! For Kindergarten!!!! What are we going to do as he gets older?

I'm going to go insane.

Sorry, just had to vent. You people get it. Although I feel like the worst mother in the world as I get impatient and yell. But we've been at this for over an hour and have made nary a dent. (we got home late tonight because of chess). I guess this is one of those positives as far as him not needing as much sleep.

Thank you for letting me vent. I feel calmer and can go back to the kitchen.

 

[mechurchlady]

C&G'sMama you get a ton of hugs from me.

Did you have to mention kitchen? Ooh perish the thought of going in there right now. I hope things get better soon.

Hugs and chocolates
Laurie

Do I have to go into the kitchen? Please not that!

Update
We use plasticware and paper goods to save me doing dishes. We are out so where are my everyday plates? Top shelf in a jumble and leaning toward the edge about to fall. I had to go to the garage and get the step ladder then retrieve the plates which are dirty. I had a slight lapse up there and nearly fell off but we had a great dinner except now mom hates beans. I told you I did not want to go into the kitchen. I will trade you Calvin for 5 kids any day.