Baby shower etiquette and ?'s

[Kellydelly]

I sense a trend.



Actually, "the right thing" sans friends (not family) to throw you a shower is simply not to have one. It's not an entitlement handed out with positive pregnancy tests and engagement bands, it's not a rite of passage, it's just a party which began and was intended to be a spontaneous free will offering of gifts to a friend by a bunch of other friends. But I guess that's not what you wanted. :eyeroll:



Intriguingly enough, this is almost always said by people whose primary justification for flouting etiquette is that they want something and etiquette is in their way. But you are absolutely right, etiquette changes. I'm forced to use emoticons to communicate my feelings rather than a nice lacy fan.



That would be the gist of it, yes. Is this a crushing deprivation or something?

ETA: Since the usual response to criticism seems to be accusing the other person of sour grapes, I'll clarify my shower history: I've thrown two for friends, I had no bridal shower because we eloped, refused a workplace baby shower that would have been thrown for me because I consider it inappropriate to create a financial social obligation in the office, and refused a second baby shower of the hosted-by-family-strictly-for-family variety because I had everything we needed (I took folks out for Chinese food just to get together instead and was surprised with a big silly cake, so that may count as a shower in the original intention of a shower).

Sorry, but yes a shower is a rite that comes along with having a baby, as long as you have friends and family that want to celebrate your upcoming birth. What I did was keep my mom from ruining my shower, that's the gist of my personal situation. I knew I set myself up for some criticism by relaying my story, but I can take it . I'm sure you threw some perfectly fabulous showers for your friends and they really appreciated it, good for you .

 

[3boymthr]

Hosting your own baby shower - tacky, tacky tacky.

I have never ever heard of a co-ed baby shower - definitely sounds like gift grabbing to me.

I have been to baby showers where alcohol was served, but only mimosas or bloody mary's and only at morning brunches.

I have also been to a catered one at a hotel function room (not a restaurant, but close). This shower had over 100 invited and over 75 people attending it between both sides of the family and his and her immediate friends (their wedding had over 350 ) but the shower was still mostly ladies only with 2 young girls (the mom-to be's neices). So the restuarant is not so tacky, if the people hosting the shower don't have a big enough place in which to host the shower.

 

[Becky2005]

I(but I did use my best friend's name as the hostess and RSVP person, just to cover my tackiness ).

I pretty much did the same thing. Although, it was held at my mom's house, my best friend's name was on it & I helped with planning it. What can I say, my DH might be right, I have control issues. I have a feeling my DD is going to be the same way when she gets older.

My best friend had the dad to be at her shower.

I wouldn't think the OP is obligated to pay in any way since she is not hosting it & it doesn't appear at the moment that they are expected them to.

There are some woman who do NOT like all the frilly, girly stuff and having the party at a sports bar would fit their personalities much better. Therefore, I could see it being held at that type of venue depending on the person.

 

[cats mom]

Including the guys and holding the shower at a restaurant sounds fun to me.

Planning for said guys to sit at the bar drinking and watching football while the girls are in another room... not so much. What's the point of including the guys if that's the plan?

And for the parents-to-be to host the shower themselves... TACKY!
Sorry, just no way around that one.

 

[nena]

OP...I think it was tacky for the other GOD Parent to ask what BIG ticket item you wanted to pay for!! Good for you, for not letting yourself spend more than you wanted. I'm glad you had an answer for them.
I too agree, that if you feel like you would like to offer help (manual or monitary) that it would be a nice gesture.

 

[Belle5]

I'd help her to throw it alright......

 

[pyrxtc]

I think if she has the $2500 to be throwing a shower then she could use that money to buy everything she needs and not ahve a shower. Maybe a small get-together at her moms house ?

I ahve 2 PG SIL's and My sibs and I threw a shower for one 2 weeks ago and my mothers house and her mother is doing one for that side of the family at a restaraunt but it is a pizza place and she has a smaller house so it won't fit all. I think it is very bad etiquette to be planning your own. It does not have to be a surprise (I wouldn't like that myself) but the planning should be done by those close to her keeping in mind what she likes. The house ones are always the most comfortable.

 

[AntePrincess]

I don't think she really said anything rude.

It seems to be rude to point out entitlement, at least according to the entitled. Apparently the prior posts simply labeling the mom trailer trash were nowhere near as impolite as saying the universe doesn't owe you a diaper cake.

 

[AntePrincess]

Sorry, but yes a shower is a rite that comes along with having a baby, as long as you have friends and family that want to celebrate your upcoming birth.

There seems to be some confusion. Having a baby is a rite of passage. Getting married is a rite of passage. Turning sixteen, eighteen, and twenty-one are rites of passages. A baby shower, an engagement party or bridal shower, and birthday parties are not rites of passage. More to the point, a "rite" is not a "right." Your mother could not "ruin your baby shower," because you aren't entitled to a baby shower in the first place, it was just a nice extra the universe was throwing your way.

Now that folks feel they're owed the baby shower of their tastes, I can see people stop offering to host them. In fact, I've already seen this trend. Who wants to do anything nice for a bride or mother with the gimmes? Especially when they take your generosity as something they're owed in the first place? Not in a million years would I attend a shower thrown by the recipient or a thinly veiled substitute (like a relative if we're talking about a not-just-for-family event), nor one for anyone who's clearly grown too big for their britches in the ego sense.

As far as the style of the shower goes, I'm all for those evolving with the times. Once it was punch (and don't you doubt for a minute that that punch was spiked in the day), now it might be martinis and a Shirley Temple for the mom. I find something crass about doing a private event in a very public venue, but now we're down to splitting hairs. At least we've gotten past certain truly disgusting shower games (thank the 60s, not tradition), so it's not all bad. Regarding coed showers, my personal thinking is that it kills the most useful and meaningful part of the experience: women sharing the private side of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. Men still can't get pregnant and experience those things. Those conversations were certainly more important and meaningful then anything else that happened at these showers.

 

[mjkacmom]

I say no. If she is having it at a resturant then thats on her. A baby shower is usually thrown by a host at a house. I think doing it a a food place and having drinks is to much if they are expecting others to pay for it, unless someone offered.
I say buy a nice gift and save your money because I'm sure they will throw a big party baptism and they will probably ask for help. With the baptism our traditon is the godparents pay for the dress/outfit shoes and sometimes buy a cross necklace. If the godparent are not a couple then they both go 1/2 and 1/2 on it. I think people go way overboard on the parties and dont think about other people financial situations. good Luck

Well, I disagree about having it in a house. I live in the same state as the OP (NJ), and the only baby shower I've attended that was in a house was my own (I told my mom and sister that this is what I wanted). The rest have been held at restaurants, with a full meal and open bar. However, I've never heard of the mom-to-be hosting it herself. I've also been to couples showers.

 

[mjkacmom]

We folks from NY and NJ don't have to cover our plate for any events we attend. Anyone that buys into that nonsense has been listening to "etiquette" advice from the catering industry rather than the tried and true mores that remain in practice. Besides, near as I can tell, that meme came out of LBI which both NJ and NY claim or disclaim depending on the topic at hand.

I'm in NJ (NYC metro area), and always cover my plate. I don't HAVE to, but I always do. I think it does depend upon where you reside in NJ/NY.

 

[Scurvy]

Actually, "the right thing" sans friends (not family) to throw you a shower is simply not to have one. It's not an entitlement handed out with positive pregnancy tests and engagement bands, it's not a rite of passage, it's just a party which began and was intended to be a spontaneous free will offering of gifts to a friend by a bunch of other friends. But I guess that's not what you wanted. :eyeroll:


Intriguingly enough, this is almost always said by people whose primary justification for flouting etiquette is that they want something and etiquette is in their way. But you are absolutely right, etiquette changes. I'm forced to use emoticons to communicate my feelings rather than a nice lacy fan.

I agree with this completely!

Just read the whole thread and I HAD NO IDEA that family should not throw a shower . We had to have 2 wedding showers ( had over 100 at one and nearly that at the other) and then had 4 baby showers just so everyone that wanted to be invited could come. Is anyone else from the South ? I think most of the moms of my DD 23 have had showers for thier DD in thier homes.

Oh yeah and since we are all here is it normal to have a baby shower for the 2,3,4 kid?? I work with a Doctor who had a shower for her new baby because "she gave all her stuff away " so she asked for a shower .

I'm from the south and I've never known anyone to throw a shower for a family member. It's definitely not the norm to have showers for anything but your first child, with the exception of work showers. I've known lots of workplaces that threw showers for every pregnancy, no matter how many children the mom already had.

There seems to be some confusion. Having a baby is a rite of passage. Getting married is a rite of passage. Turning sixteen, eighteen, and twenty-one are rites of passages. A baby shower, an engagement party or bridal shower, and birthday parties are not rites of passage. More to the point, a "rite" is not a "right." Your mother could not "ruin your baby shower," because you aren't entitled to a baby shower in the first place, it was just a nice extra the universe was throwing your way.

Now that folks feel they're owed the baby shower of their tastes, I can see people stop offering to host them. In fact, I've already seen this trend. Who wants to do anything nice for a bride or mother with the gimmes? Especially when they take your generosity as something they're owed in the first place? Not in a million years would I attend a shower thrown by the recipient or a thinly veiled substitute (like a relative if we're talking about a not-just-for-family event), nor one for anyone who's clearly grown too big for their britches in the ego sense.

As far as the style of the shower goes, I'm all for those evolving with the times. Once it was punch (and don't you doubt for a minute that that punch was spiked in the day), now it might be martinis and a Shirley Temple for the mom. I find something crass about doing a private event in a very public venue, but now we're down to splitting hairs. At least we've gotten past certain truly disgusting shower games (thank the 60s, not tradition), so it's not all bad. Regarding coed showers, my personal thinking is that it kills the most useful and meaningful part of the experience: women sharing the private side of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. Men still can't get pregnant and experience those things. Those conversations were certainly more important and meaningful then anything else that happened at these showers.

I agree with this completely, too.

For those who want to throw their own shower but aren't doing it for the gifts, there's an easy solution. If you just want to get together with people and show off your nursery, just have a "Meet the Baby Party" sometime after the baby is born when you're ready to receive lots of guests. Don't register for gifts. Even though people are still likely to bring gifts, it's not going to be rude/tacky and come across as a gift grab the way throwing your own shower does. (Plus, there's the added benefit that it might keep people from showing up unannounced to see the baby before you are ready to have visitors. Just let everyone who you are inviting know that you'll be having a meet the baby party when you're ready for the baby to be around everyone. With all the concerns right now about illness, most people will completely understand if you want to keep the baby a bit isolated at first.)

ETA - I actually do think it's fine for a family member to host a shower (either baby or bridal) as long as only other family members are going to be invited to it. I think that's mostly considered acceptable from an etiquette standpoint. Once you start inviting other people, though, then it's really not appropriate to throw a shower for a family member. It's never ever appropriate to throw your own shower, regardless of who you are inviting.

 

[flagdaytwins]

Another vote for tacky throwing your own shower.

I would not help pay for the shower. I would buy a gift as normal, not cover the plate so to speak.

When the baby is baptized, THEN we always give a large monetary gift, as godparents/parent.

 

[disykat]

If you care about the person having the baby, does it really matter who starts the darn party? It's only people that you don't like that you would take the time to mock or put down. Skip the darn shower if it bothers you what the venue is or who's throwing it !

Okay, now I'm really confused. You put someone else's name on as host on your invitations (I'm assuming because you recognized that it is not appropriate for you to be the host) but you're mad at all of us for saying it would be inappropriate for you to be the host?

If it was so okay, why did you put someone else's name as host? (Again, I assumed it was because you knew people would think it was inappropriate for you to be.)

 

[2binak]

Co-ed showers - We live far away from my very large family. It's not often that we get to see extended family so when my siblings started talking about hosting a shower for us, we told them that we would like it to be co-ed. Not only would we get to see more family members, but DH was very involved in my pregnancy & was just as excited about the baby as I was, so the celebration was as much for him as it was for me since we were celebrating the arrival of OUR baby. You would not believe the compliments we got from people and there were men who were excited to go baby shopping. We have also been invited to quite a few co-ed baby showers in the past 5 years so for us, it wasn't out of the norm to have one, but it was out of the norm in my small hometown but once people attended, they really liked the idea.

Showers at a hall - that's always the way it's been in my family. There is usually a minimum of 50 (max 80-90) people at a shower and no one has a house large enough to fit that number, so a hall is a must. The food is made by some of the guests (everyone has their own specialty dish that they usually bring, even if not asked to bring it) and consists of things like: ziti, meatballs, deli platters, potato, macaroni & tossed salads. It's usually an all afternoon affair.

 

[aprilgail2]

.

I also think it is tacky to ask someone to be a godparent before the baby is even born...just plain weird.

Really? I always knew before the child was born if I was going to be godparent or not-- thats not so strange

I think throwing yourself a shower is weird but I have only been to ONE shower that was at someones house and not out at a catering hall, restaurant or party room--and even the one at the house had a full meal served- never been to a shower where they didn't feed you at least a meal! God those things are SO boring that you deserve a meal for sitting through them LOL...

 

[KirstenB]

Absolutely not!! You have no obligation whatsoever to help pay for this baby shower.

I also think it is tacky to ask someone to be a godparent before the baby is even born...just plain weird.

Why is that tacky, I don't understand? I think being a godparent is a big honor. In our church, we have our babies baptized very young. I thought I was being considerate to ask the godparents of our children a little ahead of time.

 

[sherry7]

holy cow! 2,500 for a baby shower?? wow, i can't even imagine!

$2500?!? When she starts paying for diapers, daycare, etc, she's probably going to regret that decision.

I agree that it's tacky to give yourself a shower.

 

[Scurvy]

Why is that tacky, I don't understand? I think being a godparent is a big honor. In our church, we have our babies baptized very young. I thought I was being considerate to ask the godparents of our children a little ahead of time.

Yeah, I can't say I've ever heard of that being considered tacky either, and given that the other forum I frequent is an etiquette forum I'd have thought I would have heard that if it was really considered wrong. Maybe I missed it somehow. I do know that some faiths think it isn't appropriate to do much of anything before the baby is born - no gifts, no saying the baby's name, etc. - but I doubt they'd say it was tacky, just inappropriate. And I'm not sure if they even have godparents in those faiths.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Sorry, but yes a shower is a rite that comes along with having a baby, as long as you have friends and family that want to celebrate your upcoming birth. What I did was keep my mom from ruining my shower, that's the gist of my personal situation. I knew I set myself up for some criticism by relaying my story, but I can take it . I'm sure you threw some perfectly fabulous showers for your friends and they really appreciated it, good for you .

A baby shower is not a "rite" that comes with having a baby!

Friends and family could have celebrated the birth without a tacky event held in your honor.

Sorry, there is no justification for hosting your own shower - ever.