Baby shower etiquette and ?'s

[Kellydelly]

I think you guys are being awfully harsh. Of course the auther of this thread has no obligation to help pay for the shower being the spouse of a Godparent, that is clear. I do not believe that someone throwing a shower for themselves is that crass or horrible. Not everyone has the perfect circumstance to have one and things may be done "out of the norm," but it doesn't mean they are begging for gifts. I had my own baby shower at my house for several reasons, one, that my mom wanted to have it at my sister's tiny house (oops, relative giving a shower, guess some of you think that's against the rules!), two, my mom wanted to invite people that I didn't even like nor were they close to me, three, my mom and sister couldn't even afford to throw me a shower anyway. So I basically threw one for myself at my house and I made/bought all the food for it (but I did use my best friend's name as the hostess and RSVP person, just to cover my tackiness ). If I had been looking to just get gifts I sure wouldn't have spent half as much in food as the value of what people gave me. I wanted a baby shower, I wanted a nice shower, I wanted people there that were important to me. I wanted everyone to see my baby's nursery. Sorry if that makes me crass . Not everyone has friends or family to "do the right thing" when it comes to showers. Family and friends are going to attend a shower no matter who throws it or what the venue is, unless you charge admission! Showers these days aren't what they were years ago, things evolve. Ettiquette changes. I don't know who's paying for this lady's baby shower but it sounds like a good time to me . Maybe she doesn't have someone to throw her a shower, so that means she can't have one?

 

[disykat]

(but I did use my best friend's name as the hostess and RSVP person, just to cover my tackiness ).

At least you recognized it! I think you've pretty much just said what all of us are saying. It's not acceptable to throw yourself a shower, someone else has to host.

 

[DaisyLynn]

I guess I don't see the big deal with her throwing her own shower...whatever makes her happy. I wouldn't offer to contribute, though. She wanted to do it herself, so I'd let her. I'd definitely still attend and bring whatever gift I wanted to bring for the new baby.

As a pp had said, I'd also feel embarrassed for her. Maybe she is a control freak and just wants it how she wants it?

 

[AntePrincess]

Do you folks from NY and NJ have to cover your plate for this kind of shindig, too?

We folks from NY and NJ don't have to cover our plate for any events we attend. Anyone that buys into that nonsense has been listening to "etiquette" advice from the catering industry rather than the tried and true mores that remain in practice. Besides, near as I can tell, that meme came out of LBI which both NJ and NY claim or disclaim depending on the topic at hand.

 

[PEANUT1]

Absolutely not!! You have no obligation whatsoever to help pay for this baby shower.

I also think it is tacky to ask someone to be a godparent before the baby is even born...just plain weird.

 

[AntePrincess]

II wanted a baby shower, I wanted a nice shower, I wanted people there that were important to me. I wanted everyone to see my baby's nursery.

I sense a trend.

Not everyone has friends or family to "do the right thing" when it comes to showers.

Actually, "the right thing" sans friends (not family) to throw you a shower is simply not to have one. It's not an entitlement handed out with positive pregnancy tests and engagement bands, it's not a rite of passage, it's just a party which began and was intended to be a spontaneous free will offering of gifts to a friend by a bunch of other friends. But I guess that's not what you wanted. :eyeroll:

Showers these days aren't what they were years ago, things evolve. Ettiquette changes.

Intriguingly enough, this is almost always said by people whose primary justification for flouting etiquette is that they want something and etiquette is in their way. But you are absolutely right, etiquette changes. I'm forced to use emoticons to communicate my feelings rather than a nice lacy fan.

Maybe she doesn't have someone to throw her a shower, so that means she can't have one?

That would be the gist of it, yes. Is this a crushing deprivation or something?

ETA: Since the usual response to criticism seems to be accusing the other person of sour grapes, I'll clarify my shower history: I've thrown two for friends, I had no bridal shower because we eloped, refused a workplace baby shower that would have been thrown for me because I consider it inappropriate to create a financial social obligation in the office, and refused a second baby shower of the hosted-by-family-strictly-for-family variety because I had everything we needed (I took folks out for Chinese food just to get together instead and was surprised with a big silly cake, so that may count as a shower in the original intention of a shower).

 

[summerrluvv]

I sense a trend.



Actually, "the right thing" sans friends (not family) to throw you a shower is simply not to have one. It's not an entitlement handed out with positive pregnancy tests and engagement bands, it's not a rite of passage, it's just a party which began and was intended to be a spontaneous free will offering of gifts to a friend by a bunch of other friends. But I guess that's not what you wanted. :eyeroll:



Intriguingly enough, this is almost always said by people whose primary justification for flouting etiquette is that they want something and etiquette is in their way. But you are absolutely right, etiquette changes. I'm forced to use emoticons to communicate my feelings rather than a nice lacy fan.



That would be the gist of it, yes. Is this a crushing deprivation or something?

This has to be one of the rudest posts I have read in a long time.

 

[kim929]

having a "jack and Jill" shower is now becoming the norm. When I was planning my daughters baby shower is when I found out about it. The reasoning was the daddy's are more involved now and want to be included. I thought it was weird and stayed with women only.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I'd help her to throw it alright......

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

I would not feel obligated to help someone throw themselves a shower (no matter what the shower is for) whether or not it was a good friend or relative.

 

[AntePrincess]

This has to be one of the rudest posts I have read in a long time.

Yes, the eyeroll was a bit much.

 

[bankgirl05]

Just a little info about bonds since I work in banking: besides taking 18+ years to mature, if you fill out the bond application with the baby's name and the mom or dad's name then the mom or dad can cash it before it matures, but if yu use the baby's name as the owner, and your (or hubbie's name) and SS# as co-owner they can not cash it only the owner or co-owner can. Another good gift for babies is stock ( I bought all of my nieces and nephews one share of Disney stock at: onestock.com and they framed it with a nice little engraved memo for extra) just an FYI

 

[lila]

Forgetting the other stuff, I 100% support an open bar at a baby shower and have seen them. Seriously, have any of you ever been to a baby shower? A drink really can help after the 47th present.

 

[kathie859]

This whole "I'm gonna throw a party for ME" thing is just too much
I wouldn't participate in this debacle for a minute!! Where's this girl's Mother?? Someone needs to pull her aside and tell her that people don't throw "showers" for themselves. It's beyond tacky.

The part about throwing it in a party room or restaurant doesn't bother me nor inviting the menfolk-heck, I think that's a nice idea.

She may be the world's nicest, kindest, great person--but she's coming across as a gift grabbing fool.

 

[Carolina_Ggirl]

Yes, I agree hosting your own baby shower is definitely not the norm and not good ettiquette.

Given the cost of the party, I'm not sensing they're doing this for handouts, as one would think the $$$$ could be used for picking up the necessities! So it may truly be their way of trying to include those close to them in their special trip to parenthood...in the way/according to the standards they wish to apply! Still strange concept for me to digest though!

Over the years, I have definitely seen a trend toward including males in the showers too. And, yes, alcohol has often been a part of those showers, but by no means the focus or a distraction to event. I think many have rationalized inclusion of alcohol to help get the guys to participate!!

As for the venue, I have had and have participated in many over the years in private homes and other locations for rent. I don't think there is a standard requirement here, but rather what location the host(s) choose.

I personally would not offer to assist in planning/funding the event she has elected to coordinate. However, I think it definitely would be appropriate for you to shower the couple/baby with something special (as you feel compelled to do) outside of the shower/dinner party.

 

[branv]

It is still poor etiquette to throw yourself a shower, as showers are present-oriented and it seems like a gift grab by the MTB. But let's be honest...just because someone else is throwing it doesn't mean it's still not a gift grab. Not saying that's bad or good, it's pretty much accepted tradition, but it's funny that we're all worked up about the semantics. It's like how it's rude to show up for a wedding without a gift...but it's rude as the couple to expect gifts. I'm just saying...it's pretty humorous when you break it down to the bare bones.

The only time I've ever been to a shower where the person threw it themselves was when it was specified to absolutely bring NO gifts. They wanted to celebrate the upcoming birth of their child with friends and family. There is nothing wrong with this, and I found it rather touching.

Also, co-ed parties are normal now. Why shouldn't they be? Fathers are more involved, they have as much responsibility for the creation and for the future raising (as they should) of the baby, so why shouldn't they celebrate their child with friends and families? To me the idea that only women should celebrate a babies arrival is pretty appalling and very much out-of-date. Plus all the ones I've been to have been very much community -- they don't just invites both sexes, they ask them to bring their children as well and have special things for the kids like kid. To be honest, most people I knew dreaded going to the frilly showers of the past, with the stuffiness, painful games and pastels, but the only people I know who dread co-ed showers are people who just don't like parties in general. As for alcohol, if your friends and family are mature adults, they know that it's not a get trashed party, and will behave accordingly. If they aren't the type...well, don't offer adult beverages to people who don't act like adults. It's not a blanket "should" or "shouldn't".

I'd say you are under no etiquette or ethical obligation to help this woman with her shower financially if she is determined to throw it herself. It's my understanding a godparents assistance is during the baptism.

 

[disykat]

This has to be one of the rudest posts I have read in a long time.

I don't think she really said anything rude. If you don't have people that want to throw you a shower it doesn't even make sense to throw one for yourself. Who would come? If you are new to a community and don't really have friends there yet, it's simply a matter of fact that you're probably not going to have a shower. Since when is a shower an integral part of having a baby.

 

[SnootyBear]

I personally think its one thing for a friend or relative to throw a shower for you.. its completely another to throw your own. It is tacky, in every etiquette book or place online that I can find. You dont shower yourself with gifts, your friends or family plan it for you if they want to.

From http://www.plan-the-perfect-baby-sho...etiquette.html

Who should plan the Baby Shower?
Basically anyone but the expectant mother. Traditionally, a friend (not a family member) plans the baby shower. However, more and more often, family members are planning and hosting baby showers for the expectant mother. Often, several women will co-plan and co-host the baby shower. This really helps share the cost, the work, the stress, and the Fun!

From http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/baby...tiquette.htm#6

Q. Is it okay to throw yourself a shower? I have several kids and am expecting triplets. I've never had a shower before.

A. It's true that "proper etiquette rules" have relaxed a great deal since Emily Post, especially for baby showers. However, in the world of baby shower etiquette, most people would consider it really tacky to host your own shower. Showers can be given by most anybody these days but are usually hosted by a girlfriend or a grandma-to-be. If you have enough friends and relatives to attend a shower, I bet someone among that group will throw one for you. If you don't hear of any plans, try dropping some subtle hints.

and

Q. Is it proper to ask someone to give you a baby shower?

A. No, it isn't considered proper to ask. A baby shower is a costly event. How can a friend say no without feeling bad? If a close friend or relative approaches you and she listed a shower as one of her offers, such as, "I'd love to do something for you - please tell me what you would prefer - a baby shower, help after the baby arrives, film the delivery, etc..." then it would be ok to request the baby shower. Otherwise, it could put a friend/relative in an awkward position.

From http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-sho...quette_1642.bc

Who should throw the baby shower?

Anyone except the expectant couple — though Miss Manners might disagree. Formal etiquette says that someone who's not a relative must throw the shower to avoid having it look as though the family is asking for presents.

Our advice? Ignore traditional rules. Any relative, close friend, or close co-worker should feel perfectly okay about planning a baby shower.

From http://ezinearticles.com/?Proper-Bab...ette&id=224121

The rules of baby shower etiquette are changing and being bent, but there are certainly some rules that you should still abide by. Here are some of the basic rules of baby shower etiquette:

· Who should hold the shower? Traditionally, friends or co-workers have held baby showers, but it is becoming more and more common for close family members to, as well. The rule of thumb is, if you want to throw a shower, go for it! This applies to everyone except for the parents to be.

 

[disneybound31]

When I was a newly expectant mother 10 years ago, the mother of one of my DH's best friends threw us a lovely shower in her home.

Although this lady (and her son) are not two of my favorite people- I felt her gesture very touching and felt ashamed I had misjudged this generous lady. That is, until, in front of several others in attendance, she stated "Oh, look at your precious engagement ring! I guess it will do until you can upgrade, right?!"

Mortified, I tell you. What a witch. DH and I are starting our 12th year and I still have and love my 'little' 1/2 carat engagement ring.

Trust me, sometimes no shower is better than just any shower.

 

[Kellydelly]

At least you recognized it! I think you've pretty much just said what all of us are saying. It's not acceptable to throw yourself a shower, someone else has to host.

If you care about the person having the baby, does it really matter who starts the darn party? It's only people that you don't like that you would take the time to mock or put down. Skip the darn shower if it bothers you what the venue is or who's throwing it !

 

[Mad4Mickey]

When we did my DD's baby showers we had them at the homes of the people who gave them ! I gave her one and had 60-70 people there , her MIL gave her one and then her friends gave them a couples baby shower and then had her a baby shower . So I think things have just changed but I do not think I have ever heard of anyone giving themself a showerWhen I had her 23 years ago someone brought some punch some samichs and a cake .Also I noticed that when she got gifts they were crazy gifts like car seats yes with a S on the end . I give gifts like that to family members but not just friends. $50 is a good baby gift to me NOT a 200-300 dollar carseat .

Things are strange these days and I just saw they have baby shower show now that is like that BRidezilla show LOL

Just read the whole thread and I HAD NO IDEA that family should not throw a shower . We had to have 2 wedding showers ( had over 100 at one and nearly that at the other) and then had 4 baby showers just so everyone that wanted to be invited could come. Is anyone else from the South ? I think most of the moms of my DD 23 have had showers for thier DD in thier homes.


Oh yeah and since we are all here is it normal to have a baby shower for the 2,3,4 kid?? I work with a Doctor who had a shower for her new baby because "she gave all her stuff away " so she asked for a shower ..