Baby shower etiquette and ?'s

[aprilgail2]

Why is that tacky, I don't understand? I think being a godparent is a big honor. In our church, we have our babies baptized very young. I thought I was being considerate to ask the godparents of our children a little ahead of time.

I agree....plus it always gave me time to save up for that Christening gift and christening gown LOL!

 

[jenseib]

I only read a few comments so far.
BUT you are NOT supposed to throw your own shower. Thats Rule number one. Also you are not really supposed to serve alcohol at a baby shower. But you have no choice over any of that I guess. Showers are not surprises though. I have never been to one that was a surprise in my long 40 years. LOL!
Now a days there are alot of co-ed showers. Alot of guys don't like this though. Some due, but in my area, I hear guys grumble when they get invited to one.
I think going to a restaurant is OK, but it does seem really pricey. I see most held at someones house, or more often at a small hall or community room. Usually a nice lunch is served and cake.
As a Godparent, you really don't have to contribute to anything. The baby isn't born yet. It is my understanding that the Godparents sometimes contribute to the christening gown and/or that party, but I think there is nothing obligated for the baby shower. You can offer to help. and bring the cake like I read others suggest, but I don't think you need to do much at all but show up.

 

[aprilgail2]

I Showers are not surprises though. I have never been to one that was a surprise in my long 40 years. LOL!
Now a days there are alot of co-ed showers. Alot of guys don't like this though. Some due, but in my area, I hear guys grumble when they get invited to one.
I think going to a restaurant is OK, but it does seem really pricey. I see most held at someones house, or more often at a small hall or community room. Usually a nice lunch is served and cake.
.

Its all regional- they just don't do many showers in someones house around here- they are out.
In my 40+ years I have never been to a shower that WASN'T a surprise...
And I like guys at the showers- if we have to go to these things why should they get a free out just because they are a guy?? Let them sit there and have to ohh and ahhh over the 50th little pink outfit opened right along with us! And I KNOW my shower was the same way- I think there were about 60 people there, many of my friends were very generous and brought more than one gift- it took me about 2 hours to open all those and I was trying to move fast but I know how boring it must have been to sit there and watch me open thing after thing...glad it was out in a party room and there was plenty of room to get up and dance if you wanted to and move about- when you are trapped in someones small living room for an at home shower for all that time its downright painful!
My friends shower was last money and we needed about 4 mini vans to bring all the gifts back to her house-it was unreal LOL...

 

[jenseib]

Its all regional- they just don't do many showers in someones house around here- they are out.
In my 40+ years I have never been to a shower that WASN'T a surprise...
And I like guys at the showers- if we have to go to these things why should they get a free out just because they are a guy?? Let them sit there and have to ohh and ahhh over the 50th little pink outfit opened right along with us! And I KNOW my shower was the same way- I think there were about 60 people there, many of my friends were very generous and brought more than one gift- it took me about 2 hours to open all those and I was trying to move fast but I know how boring it must have been to sit there and watch me open thing after thing...glad it was out in a party room and there was plenty of room to get up and dance if you wanted to and move about- when you are trapped in someones small living room for an at home shower for all that time its downright painful!
My friends shower was last money and we needed about 4 mini vans to bring all the gifts back to her house-it was unreal LOL...

I agree too. It's all regional for sure. And around here too alot are at small halls. My shower was huge as well, (thanks to my Aunts) and I got so much stuff we had several trucks and vans hauling it home too. One thing they did though, which some may find tacky, is in the invitation, they asked for no clothes. I had a neice that was 10 months older and was getting all her handy downs and need NO clothing what so ever. But needed everything else imaginable. So my Aunts put a cute note that basically said no clothes, and I got everything I needed.
I also think Family makes it different too. I know some families have traditions. Like I said I've never been to a surprise one, but most have been for my family, so it might not be a tradition in my family. But I've seen them done in movies/TV.

 

[jenseib]

When we did my DD's baby showers we had them at the homes of the people who gave them ! I gave her one and had 60-70 people there , her MIL gave her one and then her friends gave them a couples baby shower and then had her a baby shower . So I think things have just changed but I do not think I have ever heard of anyone giving themself a showerWhen I had her 23 years ago someone brought some punch some samichs and a cake .Also I noticed that when she got gifts they were crazy gifts like car seats yes with a S on the end . I give gifts like that to family members but not just friends. $50 is a good baby gift to me NOT a 200-300 dollar carseat .

Things are strange these days and I just saw they have baby shower show now that is like that BRidezilla show LOL

Just read the whole thread and I HAD NO IDEA that family should not throw a shower . We had to have 2 wedding showers ( had over 100 at one and nearly that at the other) and then had 4 baby showers just so everyone that wanted to be invited could come. Is anyone else from the South ? I think most of the moms of my DD 23 have had showers for thier DD in thier homes.


Oh yeah and since we are all here is it normal to have a baby shower for the 2,3,4 kid?? I work with a Doctor who had a shower for her new baby because "she gave all her stuff away " so she asked for a shower ..

I think having a second, trhird, etc depends on the situation. I know a girl who has had one for each child and her 3 kids are all a year to 1 1/2 years apart. I thought it was wrong for her to have one for each child, but thats how they did it in her family.

I have 3 children, 1 in almost 21, 2 is 17 and 3 is almost 5. I was given a shower for babies 1 and 3. There is 16 years between 1 and 3, and 12 1/2 years between 2 and 3. I had absolutely NOTHING from my older kids...AND a new husband. I think it is just fine to have a second shower when the kids are that far apart. Same with my Mother. My sister is 13 years younger than me and my mom was given a second shower when she came around.

I think it's funny how severely people are disagreeing about stuff here. I think the one main thing we most agree on is that you shouldn't throw one for yourself. I could careless if you "help" with it, but you probably shouldn't be the host. But as for who throws it for you, who comes to it, and where it's at, who cares. Don't go if you don't like it. In my area, it is pretty normal to have family throw the showers. I actually never heard that wasn't correct, til ltoday on this board. Aunts, grandma's and future inlaws are usually who throw them in this area, OR they have several by different people.
I think the OP got her answer, and the bickering about who is "right" is pretty dumb.
We could start talking about the "correct" way do/beleive in Santa and how your family does Christmas. EVERY family will be different and they will swear there's is the right way. Some people don't celebrate Christmas, and not just because of religion, some give all there gifts from Santa, some give gifts to there kids and then 1 present from Santa, Some wrap there gifts, others don't..the list goes on and on, there is no right way to do it.....just do what is comfortable for you!
Same with the shower, do what you have been doing and if others don;t like it they won't come.

 

[mjkacmom]

Also you are not really supposed to serve alcohol at a baby shower. But you have no choice over any of that I guess. Showers are not surprises though..

I do think the only thing most agree about is not throwing your own shower. Around here, showers are usually a surprise (or they pretend to be surprised ), and alcohol is usually served (alcohol is served for everything here).

 

[ArielRae]

I just found this thread and have to say I take offense to those that say it is tacky and you should not throw your own baby shower. I am basically throwing my own baby shower. If I didn't plan and throw it then there wouldn't be one. I never had a bridal shower cause I didn't throw it. I don't come from a big family and don't have friends that have the time and money to do it for me. If you think it is a gift grap cause I had to throw and plan my own party then your someone I don't want at my party anyways so don't show up.

Over all I found that alot of times people won't throw you a party but if you tell them when and where to show up they will gladly show up. I myself planned a NJ dis meet everyone wanted to have but didn't want to spend the time and money to set it up. I did everything and alot of disers showed up. Had I not did all the work there would have been no meet. People are lazy so if you want something do it yourself and if someone is nice enough to say they will take it over I would be more then thrilled to not have to throw it myself.

So don't judge those that throw there own parties especially if you not going to step up and either throw it yourself or at least help out. They may have no other option then throwing it themselves.

Also wanted to add that I'm 28 years old and believe that those that think a shower should be a surprise and not thrown themselves are older and think traditionaly. Not that there is anything wrong with that but remember times change and so do traditions.
Also alcohol should not be served at baby showers. If the mom can't partake then no one should either. Come on it is a baby shower not a bacherlette party.

 

[labdogs42]

I didn't read all five pages yet, but in a way it is tacky, but on the other hand, what a relief for the friends who now don't have to plan a shower that wouldn't ever meet her high expectations! I'd actually be relieved if one of my friends did this. Throwing a shower gets expensive, even at home! Anyway, I'd just get her a nice gift, which you would have done anyway, and buy myself something really nice with the money you would have had to fork out on a shower if you had been throwing it!!

 

[Scurvy]

I just found this thread and have to say I take offense to those that say it is tacky and you should not throw your own baby shower. I am basically throwing my own baby shower. If I didn't plan and throw it then there wouldn't be one. I never had a bridal shower cause I didn't throw it. I don't come from a big family and don't have friends that have the time and money to do it for me. If you think it is a gift grap cause I had to throw and plan my own party then your someone I don't want at my party anyways so don't show up.

Over all I found that alot of times people won't throw you a party but if you tell them when and where to show up they will gladly show up. I myself planned a NJ dis meet everyone wanted to have but didn't want to spend the time and money to set it up. I did everything and alot of disers showed up. Had I not did all the work there would have been no meet. People are lazy so if you want something do it yourself and if someone is nice enough to say they will take it over I would be more then thrilled to not have to throw it myself.

So don't judge those that throw there own parties especially if you not going to step up and either throw it yourself or at least help out. They may have no other option then throwing it themselves.

Also wanted to add that I'm 28 years old and believe that those that think a shower should be a surprise and not thrown themselves are older and think traditionaly. Not that there is anything wrong with that but remember times change and so do traditions.
Also alcohol should not be served at baby showers. If the mom can't partake then no one should either. Come on it is a baby shower not a bacherlette party.

I'm sorry that you were offended. Unfortunately, according to etiquette it is tacky for someone to throw their own shower, and it is considered a gift grab. There really isn't any question about it. The purpose of a shower is to give the mother to be gifts to help her prepare for the arrival of the baby. If you throw your own shower, then you are asking for gifts. If you simply want to throw a party, there are lots of different kinds of parties you could choose to throw - including a "Meet the Baby" party after the baby is born, which is not a traditional gift giving occasion and is perfectly acceptable for you to throw yourself.

No one is entitled to have a shower. Your options if you don't have friends who want to plan one for you are to forego having one (which is the proper choice) or to violate etiquette and throw your own. If you choose to throw your own, you need to be aware that everyone who is aware of the rules of etiquette (which fortunately is most people) will think that you are being tacky. At best, people will assume that you don't know any better. At worst, they will find you to be entitled and "gift grabby"

And I have to say that if your friends have picked up on your attitude that you consider them lazy if they don't step up and host your shower, I can understand why they don't want to host one for you.

 

[Inigo]

My friends shower was last money and we needed about 4 mini vans to bring all the gifts back to her house-it was unreal LOL...

Freudian slip?

 

[sherry7]

I just found this thread and have to say I take offense to those that say it is tacky and you should not throw your own baby shower. I am basically throwing my own baby shower. If I didn't plan and throw it then there wouldn't be one. I never had a bridal shower cause I didn't throw it. I don't come from a big family and don't have friends that have the time and money to do it for me. If you think it is a gift grap cause I had to throw and plan my own party then your someone I don't want at my party anyways so don't show up.

Over all I found that alot of times people won't throw you a party but if you tell them when and where to show up they will gladly show up. I myself planned a NJ dis meet everyone wanted to have but didn't want to spend the time and money to set it up. I did everything and alot of disers showed up. Had I not did all the work there would have been no meet. People are lazy so if you want something do it yourself and if someone is nice enough to say they will take it over I would be more then thrilled to not have to throw it myself.

So don't judge those that throw there own parties especially if you not going to step up and either throw it yourself or at least help out. They may have no other option then throwing it themselves.

Also wanted to add that I'm 28 years old and believe that those that think a shower should be a surprise and not thrown themselves are older and think traditionaly. Not that there is anything wrong with that but remember times change and so do traditions.
Also alcohol should not be served at baby showers. If the mom can't partake then no one should either. Come on it is a baby shower not a bacherlette party.

I'm sorry that you were offended. Unfortunately, according to etiquette it is tacky for someone to throw their own shower, and it is considered a gift grab. There really isn't any question about it. The purpose of a shower is to give the mother to be gifts to help her prepare for the arrival of the baby. If you throw your own shower, then you are asking for gifts. If you simply want to throw a party, there are lots of different kinds of parties you could choose to throw - including a "Meet the Baby" party after the baby is born, which is not a traditional gift giving occasion and is perfectly acceptable for you to throw yourself.

No one is entitled to have a shower. Your options if you don't have friends who want to plan one for you are to forego having one (which is the proper choice) or to violate etiquette and throw your own. If you choose to throw your own, you need to be aware that everyone who is aware of the rules of etiquette (which fortunately is most people) will think that you are being tacky. At best, people will assume that you don't know any better. At worst, they will find you to be entitled and "gift grabby"

And I have to say that if your friends have picked up on your attitude that you consider them lazy if they don't step up and host your shower, I can understand why they don't want to host one for you.

Sorry, but I totally agree with Scurvy...it is very tacky to give yourself a shower. However, I don't understand why you're offended with opinions of people on a message board though. Really, we're strangers...you should be more worried about the opinions of the family/friends that you invite to your self-given baby shower.

I'm pregnant, and seriously doubt that anyone will throw me a shower. My family is several hundred miles away, and DH is not close to his family. I don't have any good friends who live in-state either. This all adds up to not having a baby shower. That being said, I would LOVE to have a shower because it would save us a ton of money on buying baby stuff. No matter how you sugar-coat it, showers are primarily for one reason...getting gifts.

 

[disykat]

Sorry - if you are throwing your own "give a gift" party, which is what a "shower" is, you ARE gift grabbing.

 

[labdogs42]

Sorry - if you are throwing your own "give a gift" party, which is what a "shower" is, you ARE gift grabbing.

But aren't all showers (bridal and baby) gift grabs? How are they not? Why in the world does it matter who sends the invitations? Why is it OK for your friends to ask for gifts for you, rather than you asking for gifts? I just don't really get that whole passive aggressive side of "etiquette".

I think Baby Showers are fun and everyone should have at least one! Co-ed ones can be a blast and many showers I have been to include alcoholic beverages (why shouldn't they?). I sense a lot of party poopers on this thread.

 

[AntePrincess]

Also wanted to add that I'm 28 years old and believe that those that think a shower should be a surprise and not thrown themselves are older and think traditionaly. Not that there is anything wrong with that but remember times change and so do traditions.

You'd be wrong. Between the two of us, you're the older woman.

Let me put it this way: begging is rude. Begging when you aren't in dire straits (ie, starving, since people don't seem to know what constitutes a need vs a want), is tacky. Throwing yourself a shower is begging, which is rude, and since you're not starving, it's tacky.

As for tradition, etiquette is not just "fashion that changes," there are reasons for it. Case in point, the custom of the shower started to provide for the needs of someone who had the good taste not to beg, but was in actual genuine need. Good people stepped up and organized it to help them. Whether you go by the apocryphal miller's daughter story or just general lore on the topic, that's the recurrent theme. That is the purpose of a shower. That kind of shower continues today, with no shortage of volunteers to provide it (most notably impromptu charities for young mothers). How am I not surprised that people aren't throwing themselves at the opportunity to throw costly parties for people who just feel like it's something they're entitled to by hook or by crook? Really, it's not as though any birth is going to go uncelebrated because a mother didn't get to be the center of attention at some ritualized gift giving.

I say as a woman who loves throwing showers, and throws different sorts for mothers and brides in all sorts of circumstances, though never very commercialized ones.

 

[ArielRae]

I'm sorry but I think the Baby Shower Party (any party for a mom to be is called a baby shower) has evolved not to give someone in need baby things but to celebrate with the mom to be the fact that she is having a baby and it is a time to celebrate. If she decideds to throw herself a party she wants to celebrate with these people she invited the fact that she is pregnant. You can call this party anything you want but it is still called a baby shower now a days. I have never heard of a baby shower being called anything else be it thrown but yourself or someone else.

 

[RobinFabulous]

I'm sorry but I think the Baby Shower Party (any party for a mom to be is called a baby shower) has evolved not to give someone in need baby things but to celebrate with the mom to be the fact that she is having a baby and it is a time to celebrate. If she decideds to throw herself a party she wants to celebrate with these people she invited the fact that she is pregnant. You can call this party anything you want but it is still called a baby shower now a days. I have never heard of a baby shower being called anything else be it thrown but yourself or someone else.

You've never heard of a meet the baby party? Done after the baby is born? Sorry you're so offended, but throwing yourself a baby shower and asking for gifts is tacky. When you throw a shower (wedding or baby) it is primarily to "gift" or "shower" the new bride or mother with things to help them.


I think throwing your own shower is extremely tacky and comes off as greedy.

Getting pregnant does not automatically make people "owe" you gifts.

 

[ArielRae]

You've never heard of a meet the baby party? Done after the baby is born? Sorry you're so offended, but throwing yourself a baby shower and asking for gifts is tacky. When you throw a shower (wedding or baby) it is primarily to "gift" or "shower" the new bride or mother with things to help them.


I think throwing your own shower is extremely tacky and comes off as greedy.

Getting pregnant does not automatically make people "owe" you gifts.

No, I have never heard of those partys and no one else in my family or my husbands family has either. People are going to come over and meet the baby after it's born if you throw a party or not so why throw a party for it. That is a party I think where people are begging for gifts cause friends and family could just come and see the baby without a party or having to bring a gift. I don't think throwing yourself a baby shower party before the baby is born is asking for gifts. Like I said a baby shower is just a celebration with the mom to be now a days with food and cake and a gift is not manditory but if you feel gulited into it then you should not attend and let the mom to be know who really cares about her.

 

[ArielRae]

Ok question

If a mom to be wants a party before the baby is born to celebrate her prgnancy with the friends and family she loves and no one can throw it for her but they can attend if there is one thrown what would that party be called and don't make it a long complicated title. I believe this is why the "Baby Shower" title can be used for this kinda party too. This party is just the same as a traditional baby shower only you all think it is tacky to call it a baby shower cause the mom to be throws it herself?

 

[Liberty Belle]

Ok question

If a mom to be wants a party before the baby is born to celebrate her prgnancy with the friends and family she loves and no one can throw it for her but they can attend if there is one thrown what would that party be called and don't make it a long complicated title. I believe this is why the "Baby Shower" title can be used for this kinda party too. This party is just the same as a traditional baby shower only you all think it is tacky to call it a baby shower cause the mom to be throws it herself?

It would just be a party. Maybe a celebratory party. A Baby Shower is called a shower because the mom is showered with gifts for her baby.

And I agree with the others...it is and always has been tacky to throw a shower for yourself. Ms. Manners says even close relatives are not supposed to host it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Its all regional- they just don't do many showers in someones house around here- they are out.
In my 40+ years I have never been to a shower that WASN'T a surprise...
And I like guys at the showers- if we have to go to these things why should they get a free out just because they are a guy?? Let them sit there and have to ohh and ahhh over the 50th little pink outfit opened right along with us! And I KNOW my shower was the same way- I think there were about 60 people there, many of my friends were very generous and brought more than one gift- it took me about 2 hours to open all those and I was trying to move fast but I know how boring it must have been to sit there and watch me open thing after thing...glad it was out in a party room and there was plenty of room to get up and dance if you wanted to and move about- when you are trapped in someones small living room for an at home shower for all that time its downright painful!
My friends shower was last money and we needed about 4 mini vans to bring all the gifts back to her house-it was unreal LOL...

Around here it would be very unsual for there to be that many guests at a shower (and they are usually held in someone's home or a small hall, rented room, etc). Often a mother-to-be will be thrown a few different showers and the guests would be divided up. For instance, her knitting group may throw her a shower, her co-workers may, her cousin may, and her college friends may. They'd invite people who are close to them as a group (knitting group members, employees, family, and friends).