Baby shower etiquette and ?'s

[ArielRae]

It would just be a party. Maybe a celebratory party. A Baby Shower is called a shower because the mom is showered with gifts for her baby.

And I agree with the others...it is and always has been tacky to throw a shower for yourself. Ms. Manners says even close relatives are not supposed to host it.

So a mom to be cannot be "Showered" with congradulations and celebration for their new addition with family and friends? Why does the shower only have to mean gifts? I believe most people can afford to buy their own baby supplies now a days without people having to shower them with them. Yes it helps with the expense of having a baby But doesn't that seem like getting a hand out without really needed it. Why not donate to a charity where it will go to someone who really needs it if you feel the need to shower someone with gifts and not your congradulations since that is not showering a mom to be as it seems to be explained here on the boards.

This is a fun debate. I think alot of etiquettes have gone out the window but one like this is minor to others. Maybe we should examine the other too and form our opinions.

 

[Liberty Belle]

So a mom to be cannot be "Showered" with congradulations and celebration for their new addition with family and friends? Why does the shower only have to mean gifts? I believe most people can afford to buy their own baby supplies now a days without people having to shower them with them. Yes it helps with the expense of having a baby But doesn't that seem like getting a hand out without really needed it. Why not donate to a charity where it will go to someone who really needs it if you feel the need to shower someone with gifts and not your congradulations since that is not showering a mom to be as it seems to be explained here on the boards.

This is a fun debate. I think alot of etiquettes have gone out the window but one like this is minor to others. Maybe we should examine the other too and form our opinions.

Well, yeah, but traditionally that's what baby showers mean. I guess you could do a house warming party, too, and use people's body heat to "warm the house" during the party, but unless it's specifically stated before hand, people are going to bring a tangible gift because that's what always has been done.

And I don't know about your world, but down here "now-a-days" means many people in fear of losing their jobs, having to work with paycuts, and actually having lost their jobs.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Ok question

If a mom to be wants a party before the baby is born to celebrate her prgnancy with the friends and family she loves and no one can throw it for her but they can attend if there is one thrown what would that party be called and don't make it a long complicated title. I believe this is why the "Baby Shower" title can be used for this kinda party too. This party is just the same as a traditional baby shower only you all think it is tacky to call it a baby shower cause the mom to be throws it herself?

If you want to have a celebration - fine. But do NOT register for gifts and make sure the invitation is called a party.

I feel very sorry for you that you do not have friends or family who want to do something for you. Perhaps your husband's side can throw a shower?

 

[ArielRae]

I had some fun doing a wikipedia search

The term "shower" is often assumed to mean that the expectant mother is "showered" with gifts, but this is a false etymology.

The tradition started by a German immigrant, Franz Schauer, in the 18th century. Schauer was a German silversmith and merchant who encouraged gift-giving among the upper-classes of New York.


Trends
Traditionally, a baby shower is held only for the mother-to-be, and only women attend. The original intent was for women to share wisdom and lessons on the art of becoming a mother. However, men are also starting to participate.

Many people choose to have baby showers for both parents, and some people have a men-only shower. In Jewish tradition and Ethiopian tradition, a celebration and gift reception is held only after the birth of a child.

Traditionally, baby showers were given only for the family's first child, but over time, it has become more common to hold them for subsequent or adopted children. Even when a shower is held for only the first child, it is not uncommon for a parent to have more than one baby shower, such as one with friends and another with co-workers.

Baby showers, like bridal showers and bachelorette parties, are more open to new ideas, concepts, themes, games, and changes in etiquette. For instance, once it was unacceptable in America for guests to rub the expectant mother's abdomen. Beginning in the 1970s, however, if permitted by the mother and if asked politely, "tummy-rubbing" is now a baby shower event.

There is great variance in practices and themes of baby showers. Some people prefer to hold showers after the birth of the baby. In this case there may be a tendency for the baby shower to be less focused on the baby and more on the mother and the mother's preparation for the new baby. Some people believe that giving gifts before the baby is born can bring bad luck. Others believe that the concept of celebrating a coming child is a private family event or does not mandate a party at all.

 

[ArielRae]

I feel very sorry for you that you do not have friends or family who want to do something for you. Perhaps your husband's side can throw a shower?

I have family and friends that want to but can't afford the cost and the time to plan it so I am doing most of the planning and paying for people to eat at the party. I can't see how it will be a gift grab if you are throwing the party yourself and you are spending more then the cost of the gifts you would get at the party. Have you all thought about it that way?

 

[ArielRae]

Guess you are all going to love this too. I'll have to get back to this thread a little later as DH and I are going tick or treating around our neighborhood (no kids yet). Yes at 28 years old I am going trick or treat. Etiqutte says that is a no no too but we have done it every year for years now and even have neighbors that count on us showing up. I know you are thinking you would never give candy to someone of a certain age you pick the age but it is up to those we visit with if they will give us candy or not. Just cause we go trick or treating we don't think we are going to come home with candy. We enjoy the fun of going door to door meeting our neighbors and enjoying the holiday. So judge as people do and enjoy your holiday and your discussion on why it is not ok to celebrate your pregnancy by throwing yourself a baby shower.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

My baby shower (DS11) was given for us by very dear friends of ours-2 couples. It was held in one couple's photography studio/home with all of our friends-couples and singles-invited. (we lived away from our families) They throw terrific parties, and yes there was alcohol and non alcoholic beer for me. Except for the present opening, it was just a very nice party. Couples showers are not that common, but they are nothing new. The last thing I want to do is sit around someone's living room swapping baby/pregnancy/delivery horror stories and listening to a bunch of hens cackle. JMO.

 

[gina2000]

This is a fun debate. I think alot of etiquettes have gone out the window but one like this is minor to others. Maybe we should examine the other too and form our opinions.

I'd love to know how many posters here don't mind a man wearing a hat at the table at a restaurant or at home? Now THAT gets me.

I wouldn't throw my own shower. But showers around here are in restaurants, are surprises, and often include a few guys from the immediate family. And if no liquor is served, we usually head out to the bar and order and pay for something. What can I tell you? We're just not a punch and cake type crowd.

 

[Scurvy]

Ok question

If a mom to be wants a party before the baby is born to celebrate her prgnancy with the friends and family she loves and no one can throw it for her but they can attend if there is one thrown what would that party be called and don't make it a long complicated title. I believe this is why the "Baby Shower" title can be used for this kinda party too. This party is just the same as a traditional baby shower only you all think it is tacky to call it a baby shower cause the mom to be throws it herself?

If a woman want to throw a party to celebrate with her family and friends before her baby is born, she can certainly throw a party. A Halloween party, a Christmas party, a New Years party, dinner party, Superbowl party. . . there are lots of parties she could throw. However, if she chooses to throw her own shower, she is rude and tacky. She can not throw a "Come Celebrate Me and my Pregnancy" party - a party to celebrate the pregnancy is a shower. A shower is a gift giving occasion. If you choose to follow etiquette, you can not throw yourself a traditional gift giving party and remain polite. It is not possible.

So a mom to be cannot be "Showered" with congradulations and celebration for their new addition with family and friends? Why does the shower only have to mean gifts?

Because in the US, a shower is a gift giving occasion. That's what it is. Certainly the woman's friends and family can choose to "shower" her with gifts or congratulations, but the mother to be can not dictate that they do so. It's rude, entitled, attention-seeking and grabby. It's simply not appropriate. The woman who chooses to do so anyway will wind up offending anyone who knows better.

This is a fun debate. I think alot of etiquettes have gone out the window but one like this is minor to others. Maybe we should examine the other too and form our opinions.

There really is no debate. Throwing your own shower is simply rude, no matter how you choose to justify it. But of course you are not obligated to follow etiquette - when it comes down to it, you can do whatever you want. You should just be aware that anyone who does care about etiquette will find such a blatant gift grab very off-putting.

I had some fun doing a wikipedia search

Wikipedia isn't usually considered the best source for information. If you really truly are interested in the etiquette involved in showers, you might want to pick up an etiquette book by one of the experts like Miss Manners or Emily Post.

 

[RobinFabulous]

So a mom to be cannot be "Showered" with congradulations and celebration for their new addition with family and friends? Why does the shower only have to mean gifts? I believe most people can afford to buy their own baby supplies now a days without people having to shower them with them. Yes it helps with the expense of having a baby But doesn't that seem like getting a hand out without really needed it. Why not donate to a charity where it will go to someone who really needs it if you feel the need to shower someone with gifts and not your congradulations since that is not showering a mom to be as it seems to be explained here on the boards.

This is a fun debate. I think alot of etiquettes have gone out the window but one like this is minor to others. Maybe we should examine the other too and form our opinions.

If your party is truly to celebrate you and your pregnancy and you can afford everything for this baby.. then either do not register and when asked where you are registered when people recieve their invitations, polietly say "Your presence at my celebration is enough" or even word that in your invitation

OR

Ask your guests to bring a new baby item to be donated to a shelter for unwed teens and/or a homless shelter or battered women's shelter. I'm sure that people would be thrilled to know that since you can afford everything you need that you're thinking of someone more needy in this poor economy

 

[Poohbear5]

Uh,, if she has $2500 to throw herself a shower, why doesn't she just buy what she needs for the baby herself rather than expect friends to do it??
She can throw a big party for the baptism since she's into big parties.

 

[wthchristi]

I have an extremely large, extended family (a family gathering is 40-50 easy). Generally, we end up with 2 or 3 showers a year to attend, and help plan at least one of them. I used to become annoyed by the expectations that went along with being "auntie", It seemed several weekends a month were taken up with showers, birthdays, family this and family that.

Then we lost a one month old great nephew to SIDS, since then we have attended every get together to celebrate the moments we have with our family. Life is short, sometimes too short, I refuse to spend it worrying about etiquette, I would rather look at the pictures full of laughter and love.

My 2 sense, for what its worth.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Uh,, if she has $2500 to throw herself a shower, why doesn't she just buy what she needs for the baby herself rather than expect friends to do it??
She can throw a big party for the baptism since she's into big parties.

That's what I was thinking! $2500 is a lot of money on a shower for yourself. How big is that registry?

 

[2binak]

Regarding coed showers, my personal thinking is that it kills the most useful and meaningful part of the experience: women sharing the private side of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. Men still can't get pregnant and experience those things. Those conversations were certainly more important and meaningful then anything else that happened at these showers.

I'm the last of over 30 grandchildren in my family so I have been to PLENTY of baby showers in my lifetime yet I have never been to one that had conversations about the private side of pregnancy, birth & motherhood. Besides, if those conversations did take place, what would be so bad about the dads getting a chance to be a part of them? Maybe it would give men a chance to better understand what their wives or girlfriends are experiencing, something that's not always easy to explain when you're hormonal and dealing with a newborn.

 

[Scurvy]

Life is short, sometimes too short, I refuse to spend it worrying about etiquette, I would rather look at the pictures full of laughter and love.

My 2 sense, for what its worth.

I don't see why you can't do both. Life is short. Following etiquette is a way to ensure you don't inadvertently offend or hurt someone. My life has been full of laughter and love, and I've always tried to follow etiquette. I see no reason we can't enjoy life while being polite. My two cents, for what it's worth.

 

[jenseib]

That's what I was thinking! $2500 is a lot of money on a shower for yourself. How big is that registry?

I was thinking that too. I think it was said she couldn;t afford to get stuff for herself, but she can afford to do that big of a party. LOL!

 

[aprilgail2]

I find something crass about doing a private event in a very public venue, but now we're down to splitting hairs. At least we've gotten past certain truly disgusting shower games (thank the 60s, not tradition), so it's not all bad. Regarding coed showers, my personal thinking is that it kills the most useful and meaningful part of the experience: women sharing the private side of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. Men still can't get pregnant and experience those things. Those conversations were certainly more important and meaningful then anything else that happened at these showers.

Yea- thats the part of showers that SHOULD be killed! A bunch of women scaring the crap out of the expentant mother with horror stories about how bad and terrible and painful childbirth is etc... I always remember one woman telling me about how terrible a c section was to have--how she couldn't go upstairs for a month or get out of bed for two weeks....I was like "holy crap"...then I have one and the day I get home from the hospital I get out and go shopping in the mall-SO totally not bad. I had to made sure I told her how full of crap she was and how she shouldn't be telling stories like that to expectant mothers trying to scare the crap out of them!!! I wish women would NOT share !

 

[MDTerrapin]

Yea- thats the part of showers that SHOULD be killed! A bunch of women scaring the crap out of the expentant mother with horror stories about how bad and terrible and painful childbirth is etc... I always remember one woman telling me about how terrible a c section was to have--how she couldn't go upstairs for a month or get out of bed for two weeks....I was like "holy crap"...then I have one and the day I get home from the hospital I get out and go shopping in the mall-SO totally not bad. I had to made sure I told her how full of crap she was and how she shouldn't be telling stories like that to expectant mothers trying to scare the crap out of them!!! I wish women would NOT share !

Jumping in here... for most women a c-section is a painful part of childbirth and most do not go shopping the next day. I hate when women sugar coat motherhood. It will not always be a cake walk and you will not always be in awe of your child. There will be days when you wonder what the heck you were thinking and there will be days when you want to run away. To sugar coat these facts is doing a disservice to new moms. Just my 2 cents.

Karen

 

[tinker&belle]

My SIL just threw a shower for herself. I would have done it, but assumed her sister was doing it, since that would have made more sense, and received the invitation (filled out by SIL). It had no location on it, so I called to find out who was hosting and where it was. And she said she was with her sister at SIL's house.

The next time I saw her she said her sister asked for everyone to bring an appetizer and the receipe. By then I was really annoyed because it seemed really rude.

Fast forward to the party, everyone brought an appetizer (with receipe) nothing done with receipes. They had games, but no prizes. This wouldn't have bothered me otherwise, but it just seemed like a blatent gift grab. I could tell others were put off too; at the end one aunt asked who she should thank for the party. When SIL said her sister (?) and herself, the aunt avoided SIL to go over to thank her sister.


The ironic thing is I had offered big items as hand me downs and she had refused them before because she said she only wanted the things on her registry. She only got clothes and blankets, so I don't know if she is regretting that.

I just need to let it go, but the whole thing felt like a rude gift grab, and I'm not very traditional and it takes a lot for me to feel like this. I just think showers need to be done a little more tactfully because I feel like she invited people over, cooked for her party, and still hasn't sent thank yous.

 

[AntePrincess]

Yea- thats the part of showers that SHOULD be killed! A bunch of women scaring the crap out of the expentant mother with horror stories about how bad and terrible and painful childbirth is etc... I always remember one woman telling me about how terrible a c section was to have--how she couldn't go upstairs for a month or get out of bed for two weeks....I was like "holy crap"...then I have one and the day I get home from the hospital I get out and go shopping in the mall-SO totally not bad. I had to made sure I told her how full of crap she was and how she shouldn't be telling stories like that to expectant mothers trying to scare the crap out of them!!! I wish women would NOT share !

It's kind of sad and telling that that is the sum total of what you consider the private side of motherhood. Or at least, that's what I'm left to assume since I referred to women sharing about the private aspects and you turned it around to being about surgical gore. I don't know whether to think it's the larger culture or something up with your social circle or perhaps this one woman's melodrama overshadowed what other women were saying or would have said (the bridal shower equivalent is the woman who silences everyone else by making endless sex jokes).

For what it's worth, while we've talked about the physical part of being pregnant and childbearing, I've never spent any "shower time" with a woman making a production about her pain and suffering. Pregnancy drama queens certainly exist, but why would anyone invite one to a shower?

I'm the last of over 30 grandchildren in my family so I have been to PLENTY of baby showers in my lifetime yet I have never been to one that had conversations about the private side of pregnancy, birth & motherhood. Besides, if those conversations did take place, what would be so bad about the dads getting a chance to be a part of them? Maybe it would give men a chance to better understand what their wives or girlfriends are experiencing, something that's not always easy to explain when you're hormonal and dealing with a newborn.

Some people don't consider making their more private thoughts a PSA for the dubious benefit of raising the "awareness" of people who won't actually experience the subject at hand.