Baby shower etiquette and ?'s

[Mono~rail]

I just found this thread and have to say I take offense to those that say it is tacky and you should not throw your own baby shower. I am basically throwing my own baby shower. If I didn't plan and throw it then there wouldn't be one. I never had a bridal shower cause I didn't throw it. I don't come from a big family and don't have friends that have the time and money to do it for me. If you think it is a gift grap cause I had to throw and plan my own party then your someone I don't want at my party anyways so don't show up.

Over all I found that alot of times people won't throw you a party but if you tell them when and where to show up they will gladly show up. I myself planned a NJ dis meet everyone wanted to have but didn't want to spend the time and money to set it up. I did everything and alot of disers showed up. Had I not did all the work there would have been no meet. People are lazy so if you want something do it yourself and if someone is nice enough to say they will take it over I would be more then thrilled to not have to throw it myself.

So don't judge those that throw there own parties especially if you not going to step up and either throw it yourself or at least help out. They may have no other option then throwing it themselves.

Also wanted to add that I'm 28 years old and believe that those that think a shower should be a surprise and not thrown themselves are older and think traditionaly. Not that there is anything wrong with that but remember times change and so do traditions.
Also alcohol should not be served at baby showers. If the mom can't partake then no one should either. Come on it is a baby shower not a bacherlette party.

Are you serious?

If you are. . . OMG. First of all, it is easy to understand WHY no one is offering one for you.

Second, I love your rationalizations for throwing your own and your attempt to manipulate and turn this around on other people. Very transparent but nice try.

I love your first line. You take offense.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Are you serious?

If you are. . . OMG. First of all, it is easy to understand WHY no one is offering one for you.

Second, I love your rationalizations for throwing your own and your attempt to manipulate and turn this around on other people. Very transparent but nice try.

I love your first line. You take offense.

It is funny! How can one be offended if THEY are the one who is wrong?

 

[JerseyJanice]

A shower? I live in NJ and I have never, ever heard of a co-ed shower, let alone heard of a mother throwing her own.

The event you describe sounds more like a Christening party. Co-ed, at a restaurant, with alcohol and given by the parent--all normal for a Christening party, but totally off-the-wall for a shower.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you guys are being awfully harsh. Of course the auther of this thread has no obligation to help pay for the shower being the spouse of a Godparent, that is clear. I do not believe that someone throwing a shower for themselves is that crass or horrible. Not everyone has the perfect circumstance to have one and things may be done "out of the norm," but it doesn't mean they are begging for gifts. I had my own baby shower at my house for several reasons, one, that my mom wanted to have it at my sister's tiny house (oops, relative giving a shower, guess some of you think that's against the rules!), two, my mom wanted to invite people that I didn't even like nor were they close to me, three, my mom and sister couldn't even afford to throw me a shower anyway. So I basically threw one for myself at my house and I made/bought all the food for it (but I did use my best friend's name as the hostess and RSVP person, just to cover my tackiness ). If I had been looking to just get gifts I sure wouldn't have spent half as much in food as the value of what people gave me. I wanted a baby shower, I wanted a nice shower, I wanted people there that were important to me. I wanted everyone to see my baby's nursery. Sorry if that makes me crass . Not everyone has friends or family to "do the right thing" when it comes to showers. Family and friends are going to attend a shower no matter who throws it or what the venue is, unless you charge admission! Showers these days aren't what they were years ago, things evolve. Ettiquette changes. I don't know who's paying for this lady's baby shower but it sounds like a good time to me . Maybe she doesn't have someone to throw her a shower, so that means she can't have one?

Many people are OK with being tacky. I am not among them.

Quite frankly, throwing yourself a shower is tacky. You know this, because you used your best friend's name as a "front" to cover your tackiness, so as long as everyone did not know that you had planned and paid for the shower for yourself, then you covered yourself on the "Tackyometer". But frankly, if one doesn't have a single friend or family member who is willling to throw or pretend they are throwing a shower, then, yes, one does come off as looking money-grubbing and gift grabbing. One would be better off taking the money one would have spent on the shower and using it to buy the things one would need for the baby.

OP, this girl sounds like the height of tacky. Having a $2500 shower at a sports bar so her boyfriend can be "involved"...how "involved" is he going to be sitting at the bar rooting on his favorite team?

This whole thing sounds like a big mess. I'd probably either not go, or if it is one fo those tings where you feel you "have to" go, I'd probably be staying the least amount of time that is socially acceptable. And I wouldn't contribute a thing to the shower. I'd probably start a savings account for the baby and contribute to that, and put my name on it and maintain control of it until this mother "matures" a bit.

 

[Disney Doll]

We folks from NY and NJ don't have to cover our plate for any events we attend. Anyone that buys into that nonsense has been listening to "etiquette" advice from the catering industry rather than the tried and true mores that remain in practice. Besides, near as I can tell, that meme came out of LBI which both NJ and NY claim or disclaim depending on the topic at hand.

You know, no matter how many times I explain this, all people from the rest of country who read it see is "They have to cover the cost of their plate".

It is a guideline people....a guideline. There is one standing at the door scanning your gift to make sure it's more than the per plate charge. But, especially in instances where I know the young couple is paying for their wedding themselves, I like to use the guideline as a way to help them out by not having them have to have huge debt. That's all. If I have an idea that the per person cost is $100, I'm not going to give a $50 gift if DH & I attend their wedding. Frankly, if I like them enough to attend their wedding, I like them enough to give them a decent gift.

 

[Disney Doll]

This has to be one of the rudest posts I have read in a long time.

I don't find it rude at all. I find it quite honest.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you care about the person having the baby, does it really matter who starts the darn party? It's only people that you don't like that you would take the time to mock or put down. Skip the darn shower if it bothers you what the venue is or who's throwing it !

I would skip the debacle, quite frankly.
But the OP may feel differently since she is the godparent.

 

[aprilgail2]

You know, no matter how many times I explain this, all people from the rest of country who read it see is "They have to cover the cost of their plate".

It is a guideline people....a guideline. There is one standing at the door scanning your gift to make sure it's more than the per plate charge. But, especially in instances where I know the young couple is paying for their wedding themselves, I like to use the guideline as a way to help them out by not having them have to have huge debt. That's all. If I have an idea that the per person cost is $100, I'm not going to give a $50 gift if DH & I attend their wedding. Frankly, if I like them enough to attend their wedding, I like them enough to give them a decent gift.

 

[mjkacmom]

A shower? I live in NJ and I have never, ever heard of a co-ed shower, let alone heard of a mother throwing her own.

The event you describe sounds more like a Christening party. Co-ed, at a restaurant, with alcohol and given by the parent--all normal for a Christening party, but totally off-the-wall for a shower.

I'm in NE NJ, have been to co-ed showers, and most showers are at restaurants, with alcohol. The only thing I haven't heard of is the mom-to-be hosting the shower. Are you in south Jersey? Because we all know they are 2 different states!

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'm in NE NJ, have been to co-ed showers, and most showers are at restaurants, with alcohol. The only thing I haven't heard of is the mom-to-be hosting the shower. Are you in south Jersey? Because we all know they are 2 different states!

I am in NE NJ, and I have never, ever heard of a co-ed BABY shower. "Jack and Jill" BRIDAL showers I've heard of, but have attended only one. They don't seem that popular around here.

Most of the showers I've been to (both baby and bridal) have been in a restaurant or catering hall, but rarely have I seen alcohol served at a baby shower. I think the assumption is that since the guest of honor isn't supposed to be partaking of it, it's rude to serve it. I recall having a glass of wine at one friend's baby shower, and that's about it. My own baby shower was in my MIL's house and she didn't serve any booze.

 

[Nennie]

I do find it a bit tack that she's throwing her own shower, but invitations haven't come our yet (at least I don't think so reading the OPs post), so perhaps when they do it will have someone else listed as host. (Maybe the mother-to-be is trying to help the host by doing the leg work?) If she is flat our throwing her own shower, then yes, it's bold of her. I think it's a stretch to call it a "gift grab" though, since she's spending quite a lot of her own money on the event, and seems to be planning a nice meal, etc, for all of her guests.

As for the restaurant, co-ed style, and booze, I don't find that tacky at all. DH and I went to a jack and jill type shower a few years ago, and it was actually a lot of fun. Everyone had lunch together, and then during the gift opening, most of the men migrated over to the bar (which was in a sep. room) to watch football.

I didn't know anyone other than the mother-to-be, so it was nice to have my DH sitting with me during the meal, etc.

Just my opinion!

 

[Scurvy]

I think it's a stretch to call it a "gift grab" though, since she's spending quite a lot of her own money on the event, and seems to be planning a nice meal, etc, for all of her guests.

I think that one reason so many people view it as a gift grab is that a shower is intended to be a gift giving occasion. If you don't care about getting gifts and you just want to have a party, there are lots of non gift giving occasions you could host. If you want a baby-centric party that isn't a traditional gift giving occasion you can have a "Meet the baby" party. Whether or not the host/guest of honor is spending lots of money doesn't negate the fact that she's asking people to bring her gifts by inviting them to a gift giving occasion like a shower. That's what's considered so wrong - you aren't supposed to be asking your guests for gifts no matter how much money you are spending.

 

[Nancyg56]

Seriously, have any of you ever been to a baby shower? A drink really can help after the 47th present.

I'm the last of over 30 grandchildren in my family so I have been to PLENTY of baby showers in my lifetime yet I have never been to one that had conversations about the private side of pregnancy, birth & motherhood. Besides, if those conversations did take place, what would be so bad about the dads getting a chance to be a part of them? Maybe it would give men a chance to better understand what their wives or girlfriends are experiencing, something that's not always easy to explain when you're hormonal and dealing with a newborn.

The last thing I want to hear at any gathering is the "private" side of childbirth. I know that a lot of new Mom's may want info from others but I would not choose to share that at a party. I also think that sharing horror stories is not always helpful.


In my Mother's day it was not appropriate for the mom to host a shower and she would have died before she "asked" for gifts for her daughters. Times changed in my large family, all of my cousins host the shower for their DD's or DDIL's and made it clear that they were looking for an invitation so that they could shower my DD with gifts. I had been to so many showers but as one of the younger cousins my own children were years behind We all know that we want to help "the kids" get started and we all help each other.


I would not have hosted my own shower but if I cared for the new Mom I probably would just go and not worry about who gave the shower. The only kind of invitations that get my bloomers in a bunch are the ones that tell me that money is expected for the gift. I have gotten them and no matter how "cute" the phrases are they are offensive to me. Not much else bothers me anymore.

 

[Ember]

Does anyone really think the mum-to-be in this case is going to pay for everyone's meals at a restaurant? Not a chance! You wait, at the end of dinner there will be a bill presented!

On a personal note, I don't like showers and did everything possible to avoid having one when I got married. Unfortunately, my best friend was determined. It was luck that a friend and co-worker who knows my taste extremely well (he helped plan my wedding) heard and stepped in. He made sure my best friend kept it small and tasteful with no games!

 

[disykat]

You know, no matter how many times I explain this, all people from the rest of country who read it see is "They have to cover the cost of their plate".

It is a guideline people....a guideline. .

That's because those of us who find it offensive think that having that guideline is wrong - whether you HAVE to do it not really that different from people expecting it. You can try, but I don't think you'll change any minds on this one!

In some ways, if the host is throwing herself a party, trying to make the money back by hoping guests cover their own plates makes some sense. You get the party you want and the guests pay for it!

 

[waltskids]

Another NJ person here- South Jersey- and yes I have heard of a woman throwing her own bridal shower and yes I have been to many baby showers that were held at restaurants. My own baby shower was held at a hall since no one's house was large enough to fit all of the guests. All of our family events have alcohol including weddings, showers (both bridal and baby), baptisms and even birthday parties, whether they are at a hall, restaurant, or someone's home. Lord knows we all need a drink after looking at all those baby gifts for hours on end! I have never been to a baby shower that was Jack and Jill though. Bridal showers, yes, but not a baby shower (so far anyway). The moms who usually throw their own baby shower in my experience are older and sometimes unmarried ( as an example...a coworker in her early 40's became pregnant through a sperm doner and her family wasn't very supportive). A majority of showers I have been to though are still a surprise and are hosted by family and friends.

Also, it is customary here to register for all baby gifts and those are the ones that are given as shower gifts. Outfits, blankets, etc are given after the baby arrives. Many people around here also have multiple showers (for example, I had a work shower at the school where DH and I both teach, others have a separate shower if one side of the family lives far away, etc.)

 

[Disney Doll]

I have family and friends that want to but can't afford the cost and the time to plan it so I am doing most of the planning and paying for people to eat at the party. I can't see how it will be a gift grab if you are throwing the party yourself and you are spending more then the cost of the gifts you would get at the party. Have you all thought about it that way?

You must have some cheap friends or you are serving some really expensive food!

 

[kilee]

I had not attended any baby showers in a few years. However, I've had 3 of them in August-Sept this year and another in a few weeks. All were co-ed, all were in halls, 2 of the last 3 were hosted by the parents-to-be.

These were all like receptions, they went for 4-5 hours w/ the whole nine yards. They were nothing like the baby showers I attended in the past.

The funny note.......my sister had her baby shower about 8 years ago. My mom and her MIL hosted it. Women only w/ a small lunch and cake. She got so much of the "big stuff" you need for a baby. The one's I've been to recently, they are defintely shelling out a few grand for these showers and they are getting very little in the way of gifts. The last one, she walked out w/ several dozen blankets and outfits, and not 1 single bigger item (stroller, car seat, high chair).

To me baby showers are starting to get out of control.

 

[AntePrincess]

To me baby showers are starting to get out of control.

Truest statement on the thread.

Not just baby showers, I'm afraid, but birthday parties (for all ages), vow renewals, anniversaries, christenings, showers of every description (including a slew of newly invented ones), house warmings, weddings, bar/bat/faux mitzvahs, and even funerals have flown straight out of the realm of good taste. When they want to spend more on it, every added thing is "new," "personalized," "unique," "innovative," and so forth. When someone hints that they're getting tacky and rude, then it's "etiquette has changed." I guess people forget that etiquette was about not embarrassing yourself, not making the less privileged feel their lack more keenly, not committing social blackmail on your peers (you know, like the office baby shower where everyone will know if you contribute or not), and generally not being an awful person.

Fortunately, there's a solution to such people: don't socialize with them.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Truest statement on the thread.

Not just baby showers, I'm afraid, but birthday parties (for all ages), vow renewals, anniversaries, christenings, showers of every description (including a slew of newly invented ones), house warmings, weddings, bar/bat/faux mitzvahs, and even funerals have flown straight out of the realm of good taste. When they want to spend more on it, every added thing is "new," "personalized," "unique," "innovative," and so forth. When someone hints that they're getting tacky and rude, then it's "etiquette has changed." I guess people forget that etiquette was about not embarrassing yourself, not making the less privileged feel their lack more keenly, not committing social blackmail on your peers (you know, like the office baby shower where everyone will know if you contribute or not), and generally not being an awful person.

Fortunately, there's a solution to such people: don't socialize with them.

It is good to remind oneself from time to time that good taste is subjective and that your idea of it is not nessecarily the the litnus test for what is and is not tasteful. For instance if a family chooses to grieve by making a funeral personalized and unique, I won't nessecarily find that tasteless. I might even find it sweet, poignant and a wonderful commeration of the life of the person who passed.

In my experience the customs and norms for showers vary so widely based on region and ethnic customs as to render the opinion of a person who is not versed on the customs of that region irrelevant. For instance I have never been to a baby shower that is a surprise. In fact, I'd have been horrified by a surprise shower- I'd think it was rude to the poor girl who thinks she's going out for lunch or whatever and ends up the guest of honor at a party. I'd want to get my roots done and pay extra attention to my clothes and all that. Generally showers in my area are given by the prospective grandmas or aunts and are held at a community room, church basement or restaurant, typically with 20-50 guests in attendance. I have been to self-hosted, jack and jill showers where alcahol is served, but only at showers given for or thrown by my friends of a specific ethnic background, where that is totally the norm.

Would throwing oneself a jack and jill big shower including alcohol and a sit down dinner be considered rude here among my family? Yes, absolutely. Not because it is inheriantly rude, but because its counter to our custom. It would be seen as a gift-grab and would therefore be rude. Would it be rude for my neighbor to invite her friends and family to such an event when self-hosted party style showers like this are totally normal in her culture? I don't think so. Nobody would be alienated by it, therefore its not rude (though honestly, I think its tacky, but whatever).

I find refusing to socialize with anyone whose ideas and customs are different than your own far, far more rude than hosting one's own shower. If I like and care about a person, I'm way more interested in celebrating with them than worrying about how tacky they are. I can roll with the tacky for someone I care about.

Ariel Rae, I think hosting your own shower is tacky. If that's not something that is customary in your circle, its likely to make your guest uncomfortable. Perhaps you can pay for the event but ask a friend or relative to play host for you? I see your point- you don't want to miss one of the rites of new motherhood but don't want to impose on your family or friends either. Having thrown a few showers I know they can be an expensive venture. Good luck to you- I hope you choose to find a way to make your event more comfortable for your guests by following the expected customs while still meeting your needs.