Avoid entitled/spoiled kids going to Disney World

[foodrocksluver]

I've been going to WDW every year (sometimes many times a year) since I was 3. Fast forward 21 years. I am now 24 years old, have a full time job, a college degree, and ONE week of vacation.

Before this past October, I hadn't been to WDW in over a year. For me, that was torture. BUT when I went in October I was that much more grateful that I had parents that still wanted to take me, were Vacation Club Members and wanted me to pick where we ate each night.

For me, a trip to WDW each summer and spring break was a given. It always just happened. I never thought I was being spoiled because I didn't know any better. I was also fortunate because my parents bought into DVC in '94 when I was all of 7 years old which made it easier for my parents to justify going so often.

I don't think your kids are spoiled, I think they are lucky, just like I was. I guarantee that if they have the true love for Disney that I do, they will grow up and realize just how lucky they were that you took them so often. It also will make the times they get to go as an adult (with a real job and no true summer off) that much more wonderful.

 

[4GoofyCrew]

Excellent topic!

We saved for a few years to be able to go last year. We literally had a chart on our refrigerator and our kids could visually see how sacrifices, etc. added up. Towards the end we didn't add some extra money we had set aside so our kids didn't realize that we were that close to going. We surprised them at Christmas with the news. The first thing our daughter said was that 'we don't have enough money yet!' Gotta love that girl! We told her that Daddy had actually gotten an extra check from work and that we just hadn't added it so that it could be a surprise!

Fast forward to this year's trip. The economy has been kind to us this past year and I have also been able to work more hours. DH and I knew we wanted to do a get-a-way again but we hesitated to do Disney because we didn't want our kids to feel entitled to it. We aren't going to be able to go every year and we didn't want to set that precident either. We struggled with do we go, how do we explain going again (to the kids, and as pathetic as this sounds, to OTHERS). In the end we decided that if we have worked hard and earned the money to go why should we feel guilty about it? When we told our kids again this year (on New Years Eve) the first thing our daughter said was 'we don't have the chart' and 'we haven't saved the money'. So precious. Even more precious is that since then she has mentioned a couple of times that she 'can't believe that we have enough money to go to WDW again'. I think she knows that it is a treat and that it is not guaranteed nor entitled. (Insert proud Momma )

 

[addiedisney]

Wow, there is just so much good stuff here I could quote so many of you. Thanks for all the advice, I can't tell you how much I worry about this...

I grew up with 5 kids in my family and although I never felt deprived of anything, we did not have the income to travel often, buy designer clothes, etc.

Now, just because of where we live, my sons friends have ipods, ipads, go on luxurious vacations three times a year etc. I don't even have an ipad! My son has only asked for one once, and it was more like a joke because he already knew the answer. I feel like we say "no" a lot when other parents around me buy pretty much anything their kids want. I guess it has to do with my upbringing and the income my parents had.

I'm a big believer in working hard for rewards or privileges. My husband went to a ton of school, and works really hard to give us these opportunities. I just want my kids to grow up knowing it takes hard work to get special privileges in life.

Someone wrote not to use food (dessert) as "upgrades." I see their point, does anyone else have any suggestions on this? When I was thinking rewards for good behavior I was thinking something along the lines of the following:

1 star for no elbows on the table, 1 star for coming home from school and not having to be "reminded" to start your homework, 1 star for being 5 minutes early for the bus, etc. Basically I'm trying to help my son change some bad habits, and make my life a little easier.

Then when he got a set amount of stars he could order a dessert. We are on the dining plan, so that might make it easier for me because he won't be asking every meal for a dessert. Thoughts??

 

[elainesj]

I also don't hide from my kids that making one choice affects another choice. Money is finite - we only have so much. So if you choose to spend on one area, you give up on another. DS was asking to do the Mad Science program at his school (after school program). I said "no". He asked why. I told him that we needed to save the money for our cruise coming up in March. He totally understood and stopped asking.

I set our budget at the beginning of the year. I try to be very transparent with them that the less we do of one thing, the more we're able to do of another. I don't do it to keep them from being spoiled though - I do it to teach them some money management skills.

 

[GSUJillybean]

Oh, now, as far as behavior at Disney goes, I simply tell the little monster that I don't care what we're doing, we WILL go back to the hotel room if he doesn't pipe down/sit down/stop that/etc.

And when he doesn't, I do take him back to the hotel. End of story. And we take a nap and start over fresh.

 

[CluelessDisFan]

I love this thread. Love reading everyone's opinions on this. As I myself was baffled just yesterday when my DS said he wanted his birthday party at WDW. Mind you he's only been two times age 4 and 6. We've always made sure to remind him he doesn't know any other kids who've ever been to WDW, and that we're lucky to go. We also tell him about how Mom and Dad never went when we were kids. Yet he still refers to our vacation spent hiking in Hocking Hills as our boring vacation. He would probably say the same thing about Washington DC, but there he was happy to be with his Granny and Papaw.
We do all the reminders about how hard Dad works for us to have things and it's extra work that he does that we're able to afford things like vacation. We don't even go every year to WDW, but the fact that he talks about it like we should just be able to go tomorrow is making me second guess our plans on purchasing DVC.
I like the OPs ideas of earning things like Disney money. I think we'll do that for his next trip instead of just giving him some allowance for a souvenir.

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

I like your ideas. We also try to go every year and we let our kids know that we should all be grateful for doing so.

In our case, we give up a lot of other things so that we can go to Disney. We live pretty frugal lives so that we can save up for our Disney trip. Sometimes, our kids will ask if we can go out to dinner to some really nice place that they love or go to some expensive event and I'll ask them if they would rather go out to eat tonight or go to Disney in a couple months. (Disney always wins!)

We are also at the point now that we don't give our kids a lot of spending money at Disney. We make them set aside a portion of their money throughout the year. My son got quite a bit of cash this Christmas and wanted to spend it right away. I told him that he could do that now, but I told him to imagine what he could do with that money at the Lego store in DTD if he held onto it.

Another idea that gets everyone involved is to take a large container (milk jug or something similar) and have everyone put all their change in it in between Disney trips. We have done that and ended up with close to $100 by the time our trip came. I told the kids they could have whatever was in there when the trip came. They had fun filling it up throughout the year and trying to guess how much was in it. It definitely gave them the sense of working towards it, even if it was in small ways.

We are similar. I've told my kids that vacations are expensive and that in order to afford one every year we have to cut back on other expenses, like our normal weekend entertainment. We rarely go to a movie theatre...we rent movies through the library. We go to parks on the weekend. We go out to eat once a month.

I know it has sunk in because a few weeks ago I told my middle son I was going to take him to Wendy's as a reward and my other son said, "But mom, you're wasting that money by going out to eat, we could be using that for our vacation!"

My oldest gets an allowance for chores and he uses his own money for souvenirs. He takes a lot of time to decide what to spend it on while we're on vacation.

 

[SaraJayne]

I also don't hide from my kids that making one choice affects another choice. Money is finite - we only have so much. So if you choose to spend on one area, you give up on another. DS was asking to do the Mad Science program at his school (after school program). I said "no". He asked why. I told him that we needed to save the money for our cruise coming up in March. He totally understood and stopped asking.

I set our budget at the beginning of the year. I try to be very transparent with them that the less we do of one thing, the more we're able to do of another. I don't do it to keep them from being spoiled though - I do it to teach them some money management skills.

I think that's a great point. There is only so much money to go around and we aren't able to do everything we all want to do.

I also make a point of saying "ok, we can do this, but that means we won't be able to do *this*." So then we typically decide as a family (though DH and I have final say) on what we'd like to do for vacation.

We also tell DS (who is 15) that he won't be living like DH and I in college or even after he gets his first job. He'll start at the bottom and work his way up, just like DH and I have. It will take a while to have a "comfortable" lifestyle like he is used to now.

 

[mmullena70]

We give our kids $10 a day to spend at Disney how they see fit (we only have 2 children). They can buy a snack (gone in an instant) or they can buy souvenirs to remember their trip. If what they want costs more than $10, they can use money from a previous day or wait until tomorrow. Of course, they are free to save their money and take that with them, too, above and beyond the $10/day we give them.

It's been very interesting to see their choices. And the items they've purchased at Disney have special meaning to them because they paid for them. On our last trip, neither kid wanted to buy candy or snacks. I like teaching them to weigh their options and spend wisely.

 

[mickeyluv'r]

My take is similar to foodrocksluver. I've also gone to WDW since I was a young child - though not every year since.

My parent's scrimped and saved and worked extra to make the trips happen. Indeed, we often laugh at some of the things my parents did.

Maybe in one sense I am a little entitled as a result of their hard work, but that's the way I see it. They instilled in us that everything we got was the result of hard work. They had us participate when we could.

I don't see travel purely as reward. Vacations are educational, some more than others, My parents incorporated edcational aspects to nearly all our vacations. It wasn't that my parents beat us over the head with these things, as they got bored doing nothing or doing the same thing over and over again. We spent one day at MK, then went to other parts of Florida.
While much of WDW is entertainment based, there are educational opportunities aplenty. Try the Disney Youth program if you want to explore more specific educational opportunities, or take a WDW tour. The garden tour in Epcot is very informative.

There's so much more to Orlando/Florida than just WDW! The Everglades are exceptional. Indian River is not far from WDW, St. Augustine, gator parks....

Perhaps the most important thing our vacations instilled was the importance of family time. Forty years later, we still get together regularly. I think it's so sad that some families have a 'black sheep'; a non welcome family member. My family still makes it a priority to go to WDW, and to spend time together (major holidays).

 

[MSSANDRA]

I am a firm believer in the fact that giving kids "stuff" does not spoil them. NOT giving them discipline, love and a scene of value does. We are blessed to travel quite a bit and our kids really do just know its part of our lifestyle. We do let them know, that we have to make choices to allow us to do that. We live debt free which means we rarely buy new cars, we buy very few clothes and we live frugal in other ways.

They know that we value family time and getting away gives us that. They also know that we WORK and PLAY together. Before a big trip, everyone has jobs to do to get ready, and when we return we work to restore routine. We set limits on spending there and we give them ownership in the trips.

Reality is, most of their friends have been to WDW or other nice vacations which can make it harder to help them see that this is NOT something ever kid gets to do.

Not sure of the answers but we do travel a lot and we do have really good kids that are not spoiled so we must be doing ok.

 

[GSUJillybean]

Okay, MAJOR teal deer alert:

My mom had a meth problem, so my childhood? SUCKED. As a result, I have no idea how to parent normally, and catch myself parenting from "well, what did I want/need at that age that I didn't get"?

I want my kid to know that I did all this-- that I spent all this money and did all this planning-- because it was important to me that he was able to be a kid. That it REALLY REALLY mattered to me to occasionally, for no reason, do something super nice for him just because I love him and being his mom makes me really happy. In a way, I'm not doing this for him at all. I'm doing this because he LOVES Lightning McQueen and thinking about how surprised and amazed he's gonna be to see the "real" Lightning makes me kind of teary.

In general, my life has become extremely child centered. Maybe it's because DS was a newborn when my first husband died, and I had to be both parents at once. I've been told time and time again that I can't let him run the show, but I don't see it as giving in. I made the choice to be a mom, and he didn't ask to be here, so if I picked this gig, then, darn it, I'm gonna do it right. At least, the way I think it should be done, which could actually be pretty wrong.

So, I guess the "cool story bro" takeaway is: How do you tell the difference between "giving in" and "spoiling"? How do I know if this is okay, or too much?

And don't say, as long as he's well behaved, it's fine. No four year old is well behaved-- they're all wiggly and loud and crap.

 

[exwdwcm]

I've struggled with this question too. We just bought into DVC in early 2010 and my son has already been to WDW 3x and DL once and he just turned 4. So I thought about how we communicate to him that he is very lucky (we all are) and not every kid gets to go to Disney, much less as often as he does.

At four years old, not sure he really understands that, but we will keep reinforcing the message. We try and communicate that message by donating some time or items to those less fortunate, so he can see with his own eyes that he's blessed to have what he does. We aren't wealthy by any means and I grew up in a family with parents that went into debt and sacrificed a lot to try and give us all they could. We are fortunate to get an annual Disney trip!

I don't do idle threats either, so no way would we tie a trip to punishment, because the trip is for all of us, not just him, and I don't want to lose my trip! But we definitely can add on special things like the Pirates League for good behavior or reaching certain milestones. We also have him help us put extra change in a piggy bank, so he can save up some spending money too.

I think it all goes back to your overall values and how your raise your kids. Just making sure they appreciate all they have, no matter what that might be.

 

[mskateb]

I think you're already doing what you should be to try to instill a sense of gratitude in your kids. We're local, and this thought has passed in my head from time to time, but I just don't see how spending quality time together as a family can be a cause of spoiling her, y'know? My husband and I love to go to the theme parks, and we went often before she was born, so why in the world would we stop when we had a child? That's just silly, but I do let her know that we are lucky to live so close that we can go whenever we want. And I also let her know that it's fun for me and her dad, too. We don't just go for her.

I think there are a lot of opportunities in a Disney (or any) trip to teach (by example) gratitude, or consideration of others. I think it's the entitled parents that try to cut in lines or basically push other people out of their way (like at parades, gah!) whose kids are going to be spoiled by the experience.

 

[natfrac]

My kids have been going to Disney parks every year since they were babies. I was a single parent for most of their years at home, so when times were lean we'd go to Disneyland (we're on the west coast), and when money was more plentiful we'd go to WDW. I never made them "earn" vacation, other than any homework had to be done before we left. Did this make then entitled or spoiled? Absolutely not. I felt it's more important how the kids are raised the rest of the year, rather than how we vacationed. In return, I have two lovable, grounded adult kids.

 

[shalom]

How do you tell the difference between "giving in" and "spoiling"? How do I know if this is okay, or too much?

You're already halfway there, when you said:

And when he doesn't, I do take him back to the hotel. End of story.

You set limits, and you enforce them. A child who knows that "no means no" may be highly indulged, but they aren't spoiled. I assume you're saying "no" when the child asks for something you can't reasonably afford, as well, and hopefully not apologizing for it, but just saying it's too expensive or beyond your budget or whatever. Poor parents can spoil kids just as easily as rich ones, it's just that don't do it by buying the kid everything he asks for but by convincing the child they deserve all this stuff, it's just that the world is so poorly managed that they're not getting what they deserve.

Money is truly beside the point when it comes to raising a kid with an entitlement attitude. Parenting is a balancing act between convincing the child you love them unconditionally, and teaching them that they must treat everyone else (including you) with respect, earned or not, while at the same time insisting that they need to earn the respect of the world. Add in respecting their abilities (generally limited by age) and individual quirks (which rarely match the parent's), and it's a wonder any kid turns out well.

Plus you recognize that a well behaved 4 you will not be as well behaved as an older kid, which some people don't. All in all, sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

I think it all goes back to your overall values and how your raise your kids. Just making sure they appreciate all they have, no matter what that might be.

IMHO, we teach far, far more by example than by any other parenting method.

Not sure how one child is affected by money and others aren't but I don't think its as simple as we would like it to be.

We wanted to teach our kids to manage their own money, and so gave our kids allowances at a fairly young age. Which meant they could pay for things they broke and we could avoid the whole "I want that" routine by saying, "You can buy it with your allowance or go without." (Amazing how much less appealing things become when the kid has to pay for it with his own money. )

Eldest daughter and eldest son are only a year and a half apart and have gotten the same teachings about money from the git go, but eldest daughter saves her money and always has, while eldest son is perennially broke. Now he's got a "real job" working on computers a few days a week, and he pretty much spends every cent as fast as he makes it. Mind you, eldest daughter makes her Halloween candy last from one Halloween until the next. All I've ever had to do with her is introduce her to concepts of saving or time management or whatever, and she's implementing them -- her four siblings have all needed at least a demonstration and usually repeated ones to get anywhere near her initial skill.

Both kids might end up with terrible attitudes toward money, but my daughter's more at risk of being a miser, while my son's more at risk of being profligate. Personality has at least as much influence as parenting, IMHO.

 

[LindaBabe]

YOU guys are the ones who will NOT have entitled spoiled children because you care enough to set limits and enforce them - because you worry about how to avoid having entitled kids.

Many parents observed at the world behave in a manner you wouldn't tolerate in your children (ME FIRST!) They are spoiled and entitled so it will be no surprise if their children are also. There was another thread on this board recently about - have you noticed over the last decade how theme park behavior has deteriorated. The answer is yes, and much of the reason is right here. (ME. FIRST!)

Rock on, Good Parents! Grumpy Grandma applauds you!

 

[disnut8]

We raised our son the same way we were raised and never thought twice about it. If we had the resources, we went on vacations, bought things, did whatever. If we didn't, then we didn't. We had annual family vacations which was the norm when we were growing up.

Not quite sure why anyone would think their child would question that a Disney World trip is an "entitlement". It's a vacation. Just like a trip to the beach is a vacation. Some people (like my husband's family when he was growing up) spend money on a hotel oceanfront and ate out every night. Other people (like my family) did the campground thing and ate in the trailer every night. However, and this is the very important part that we adult lose sight of quickly, my husband LOVED the beach time and I LOVED the beach time. We just experienced it differently.

The point is - you can't put a price tag on any vacation, Disney World or not. You can't say your kids would feel entitled because you spent $X on a vacation while Joe Blow or whoever had to camp out in their backyard for a night for their time away.

I think the word "entitlement" comes only from people who think they are entitled. Not from others.

 

[Alesia]

Honestly, we don't reward good behavior because good behavior is expected. To paraphrase Chris Rock, "You're SUPPOSED to be good!"

That said, we make it clear to him that going to Disney is a privilege, and we are lucky to be able to do go. Our luck could change, so enjoy it while it lasts.

I agree. In my experience, the constant rewarding of good behavior creates the exact problem the OP is trying to avoid.

 

[addiedisney]

Thanks everyone for all the ideas!! This has been a great thread.