Are your parents good GRANDparents?

[chrisney]

Title says it all. Personally, my grandparents were better than our parents have been. Could be we just had kids later in life. Still, I remember frequently spending whole weeks with my grandparents so my parents could go on vacation, and we lived hours away. I can count on one hand the number of times DW and I have been able to get away for a weekend, and we live about 10 miles from my DM, and it's not an option at all since DD passed away. DM is always saying that she wants to help with the kids, but it is always on her terms and we really can't count on her. Kids are kindof a full-time gig and we can't work around her schedule - surprised she does not know that. I thought it was just me, but older DB said the same thing when his kids were younger.

It's fine, not complaining, not even looking for advice - just wondering if it's a generational thing.

Other point of view…I’m the grandmother with a broken heart. I dreamed of being a grandmother like I had. My daughter informed me that she had no example to follow (my mil died when she was 6 months, and my mom was very ill for all of daughters life). Therefore, she doesn’t want any contact. This was a much beloved child who was given everything…emotionally and materially. I’ve begged and pleaded, even giving examples of the love that was there with my mom. She knew she would not be there to experience many things, so she knit a wedding afghan for each of her grands. i got to give her the one for her more than two years after her wedding that we found out about over Facebook. I don’t think that I will ever heal, but because of significant health issues with both me and my husband, I’ve done what she says she wants and only cry when it won’t affect anyone else. You may not know that old song that says it hurts to be in love when the one you love is not in love with you. Just perspective from the other side.

 

[chrisney]

Oh, and to bring it back to Disney…we went every year in May because it broke her out of a severe allergy cycle. She told me that I had ruined Disney for her by making her go too often.

 

[NotUrsula]

It's more a personality thing. It's not a generational thing, except insofar as birth control has made a bit of a difference. (People who are not really the sort to enjoy the company of children now have the choice to be in a long-term relationship but limit if they have kids and how many. Up until the 1960s birth control was so unreliable that having kids really wasn't much of a choice if you were a long-term hetero couple.)

Personally, I really support knowing your limitations when it comes to kids. If you're not a person who enjoys their company, then it's probably best not to force yourself just for form's sake, because kids will sense the reluctance.

My mother was not the kind of person who enjoyed being around children, and probably shouldn't have had any; she treated us more like employees than loved ones when we lived at home; every interaction was conditional, and there was absolutely no physical affection. (I'm thankful for the many practical skills she taught me, but a little fun now and then would have been nice.)

For people like this, their own children are a duty and an obligation, so they suck it up and (usually) try to do their best, but grandchildren are someone else's responsibility, and it's a relief to them, especially if their own children have stong opinions about child-rearing practices that are outside their own experience. Most of these folks are happy to spend time with adult grandchildren, as at that point there is generally no caretaking role and you don't have to worry about running afoul of "rules".

 

[disykat]

My parents were good grandparents. Several generations in my family haven't had kids until their 30's so they were already in retirement when my kids were born. We lived in a different state than they did. They were not in any way our daily daycare etc., but that wasn't the expectation. They came to visit regularly, we visited them regularly, they were happy to plan ahead trips to watch our kids during important events we needed help with when it fit their schedules, they dropped everything and started driving whenever I had an emergency. IMO that's all I can ask for. They did not "help raise" my kids, but I didn't expect that.

In turn, I continued to be a good daughter. We visited them, called them regularly, and now I've spent a lot of the last decade managing all their affairs and care issues as they aged. We've generally had a familial relationship of mutual respect, not of some sort of obligation or expectations. I guess I kind of feel that the time of obligation was of them to me when I was a child and now of me to them in their elder years. The in between part was just about being family and loving each other in ways that worked for all of us. I'm sure there were times we were all disappointed in each other, but those were outweighed by the times we felt loved and supported.

I think it's okay to wish someone was more hands on or involved, etc. However, I don't think relationships between capable adults should involve a very big set of expectations. People can still be "good grandparents" if they don't meet your every expectation.

Sorry for the lecture, but we're going to have a grandchild and our DIL doesn't like us. She refuses to come to our home, declines any holiday plans, etc. yet we're somehow "bad in-laws." We've offered help with anything and everything while making sure not to be pushy, gave them money for their wedding and hosted the rehearsal dinner, accepted every refusal to see us gracefully, etc. We were shocked when we recently got called "bad" because we've bent over backwards to try to be what they want. We have gone over and over this and we can't figure out what she wants. (And our son, who supports her in this. On one side I'm proud of him for choosing his wife over us and on the other I'm devastated.) I'm already gearing myself up for being very rarely allowed to see the grandchildren and then being called a bad grandparent. (We'll take any opportunities we can get, but we can't just sit home and wait for the phone to ring.)

I just saw chrisney's post, yes, there are two sides!

 

[VandVsmama]

My dad is a bad grandparent because:

• he expects us to trek cross country to see him and pay homage every year for a week and sit around and listen to him tell the same stories. Also expected my children to behave like mini adults and not be loud, play, or make a lot of noise.
• he always gets mad and worked up when we tell him that we can't afford the airfare and expenses to go there.
• despite multiple offers for him to visit us, refuses to visit us.
• he hardly ever calls
• he never asks to speak to my kids
• he expects ME to call him regularly, but his phone must be broken because he can't ever manage to pick up the phone and call me
• he repeatedly told my kids that he'd do X, Y, or Z with them but then wouldn't show up, wouldn't answer the phone when I called to ask if he was coming or meeting up with us, and then wouldn't answer the phone for weeks afterwards. On one epic occasion, the reason why he didn't show up was because his wife's dog had died 3 weeks prior. We ranked lower than the dog.
• he'd rather be right than be happy.
• he's engaged in revisionist history and decided after my mom died a miserable death of pancreatic cancer that suddenly he was an abused spouse because she refused to have marital relations with him while she was going through weekly chemo infusions and daily radiation treatments. And yeah, he even said it twice...despite being told by me and my sister that he should discuss his personal issues with a therapist instead of us.
• on one epic occasion, he and his now-wife-then-girlfriend-who-was-still-married-to-someone-else went house hunting together on what would have been my parents' 40th wedding anniversary and were a 0.5 mile from where my sister lived at the time and never even told my sister that they were in town or nearby. He stupidly blurted out later to my sister that he & the girlfriend had gone to a location super close to where my sister was living. Oopsy daisy.

 

[beanjean]

I'm a grandmother, but my kid waited til we were in our late 50s and early 60s to have our grandchild. I kept telling them we would be too old by the time they had kids. I have no desire to be their babysitter everyday. I don't mind every now and again watching for a few hours. I am old and tired now and don't want to chase a toddler around all day every day either.

 

[Frwinkley]

We are new grandparents as of 8 days ago. We are in our early 60s. We have a wonderful relationship with our daughter and son in law, but have always been respectful of boundaries.

I too, don't want to babysit everyday and my daughter and son in law would never, ever expect us to. We will in emergencies and if a need arises. They are both professionals with lucrative careers and can afford quality daycare.

We cannot wait to be the best grandparents!

 

[mumto3girls]

My dad is the only grandparent my kids have left. I’d say they had good relationships with all 4, but were not particularly close to any of them. Closest to my mom, but she developed dementia young with a long, slow decline so they remember more of her being sick.

 

[design_mom]

Both my parents and in-laws have been good grandparents. Not that I don't think there are things they could do better, especially as the kids have gotten older.

Three of my grandparents had died before I was born. The fourth died when I was in middle school, but she was never particularly grandmotherly. (My mother made lots of excuses for her, but looking back as an adult... she just didn't care to put in the effort. I don't think she was a particularly good mother either, but my mom still loved her.)

My parents (and my inlaws) do show interest in the kids -- they came to all the recitals/concerts, many of the sports games/meets, etc. They remember the kids on their birthdays. When the kids were younger, they tried to plan activities with them that they thought the kids would enjoy.

As the kids have gotten older, it's gotten tougher though. My mom has always been "opinionated" and she's not shy about sharing. When I was a teen, she was not shy about telling me if she thought my hairstyle looked terrible or if my outfit "did nothing for me." (The flip side is that if she gives you a compliment, you know she truly means it, but it's still hard.) When the kids were young, she didn't comment as much or the comments were directed at me. Now that they're older, she does it to them more -- giving her opinions (sometimes ill-informed opinions) about everything from their clothes, to their choice in music, to their friends. And they're all "good kids" with good friends. And they're not really boundary-pushing with their clothing and music choices either.

She's also gotten vocal with her political/social opinions and you never know what's going to "set her off" (avoiding controversial topics doesn't work -- although we do that -- because it could be something completely innocuous that sets her off on a tirade.)

I have tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't seem to listen. She says "it's just my opinion. I'm entitled to my opinion." Yes, mom, you are... but you're ruining your relationship with your grandchildren. Is that what you want? THey still love her, but they walk on eggshells around her and I don't think they look forward to spending time with her like they used to. ETA: And have commented that sometimes going over to "visit" feels like an interrogation.

 

[VandVsmama]

Both my parents and in-laws have been good grandparents. Not that I don't think there are things they could do better, especially as the kids have gotten older.

Three of my grandparents had died before I was born. The fourth died when I was in middle school, but she was never particularly grandmotherly. (My mother made lots of excuses for her, but looking back as an adult... she just didn't care to put in the effort. I don't think she was a particularly good mother either, but my mom still loved her.)

My parents (and my inlaws) do show interest in the kids -- they came to all the recitals/concerts, many of the sports games/meets, etc. They remember the kids on their birthdays. When the kids were younger, they tried to plan activities with them that they thought the kids would enjoy.

As the kids have gotten older, it's gotten tougher though. My mom has always been "opinionated" and she's not shy about sharing. When I was a teen, she was not shy about telling me if she thought my hairstyle looked terrible or if my outfit "did nothing for me." (The flip side is that if she gives you a compliment, you know she truly means it, but it's still hard.) When the kids were young, she didn't comment as much or the comments were directed at me. Now that they're older, she does it to them more -- giving her opinions (sometimes ill-informed opinions) about everything from their clothes, to their choice in music, to their friends. And they're all "good kids" with good friends. And they're not really boundary-pushing with their clothing and music choices either.

She's also gotten vocal with her political/social opinions and you never know what's going to "set her off" (avoiding controversial topics doesn't work -- although we do that -- because it could be something completely innocuous that sets her off on a tirade.)

I have tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't seem to listen. She says "it's just my opinion. I'm entitled to my opinion." Yes, mom, you are... but you're ruining your relationship with your grandchildren. Is that what you want? THey still love her, but they walk on eggshells around her and I don't think they look forward to spending time with her like they used to.

I have found it useful when dealing with stubborn hyper-opinionated people like this who repeatedly don't/won't listen to you, to just not say anything and get up and walk out of the room. Do that a couple of times and they'll get the message. Even a stubborn battle ax of a person.

 

[jen7233]

Mine are dead, but my mother wasn't healthy, not the most capable mentally to deal with children anyway, but when she was around but did always ask about them all the time and was very loyal to me. My in-laws couldn't really be bothered with us, and don't visit us, they created another family when DH was 30, and created an online friendship from Facebook with my adult child's ex-stepmother that doesn't even have a relationship with my adult child and in-laws now spend holidays with her ex-stepmother, so that's that. I was previously married before marrying DH, I had a child from that relationship, and my DH and I have children together.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Some is generational or at least starting to become that way with Boomers and below. The whole "it takes a village" is now adjusted to sometimes that village doesn't want to help and in truth they shouldn't feel like they have to but society also has to adjust their expectations to fit that.

I only knew one set of grandparents as my dad's side all of his family (save 1 uncle) died before I was born or when I was just a few years old. My grandparents were alcoholics and smoked a ton but as a young kid I didn't connect drinking with being an alcoholic, they had really become more functioning ones (especially my grandmother after my grandpa passed).

Most of my more fond and I would say closer relationship was when my grandparents lived at the Lake of the Ozarks. We'd visit them during the summer. I have many memories of the pontoon, speed boat, fishing off the dock, swimming in coves, and most importantly playing farkle with coins. Farkle was my family's game. But when they aged enough and could no longer take care of their property they actually moved much closer to us (where basically all of my mom's side of the family lives). Ironically after they moved closer the relationship wasn't quite the same. When my grandpa passed away, my grandmother lived for 10 years more and she did become more bitter about life. That said she really never pointed it at me.

I think with our parent's situation all of our parents have strong opinions and pushy attitudes to the point where I think we're going to struggle with maintaining boundaries even though the village will def. be more than willing to "help" out. Each set has a different worry. I worry that my mom will get upset if we don't allocate time but also a smidgen about what tech we may use that she sees no point in, I worry my mother-in-law will steamroll her way to just showing up at our house and expecting access without concern to what we are comfortable with, and I worry about my father-in-law being a jerk with comments although I also worry about his wife making comments that are unacceptable. It's almost like the village will be more stress

 

[Ms.Minnie]

Oh, and to bring it back to Disney…we went every year in May because it broke her out of a severe allergy cycle. She told me that I had ruined Disney for her by making her go too often.

You just can't win with some people because some people are never satisfied.

I guess you can only do the best you can and if it's not enough maybe it's the other person who has the problem.

 

[georgina]

I never knew any of my grandparents, 3 had died long before I was born and one lived in another country. My mother had a rough childhood and was not a very warm or sympathetic mother. She was not much better as a grandmother, although she tried. She was just always critical of everything. My dad was good, he died when my kids were still fairly young and they missed him. My in-laws lived farther away but my kids had a better relationship with them than they did with my mom.

We have a 1 year old grandson. With our other children scattered across the country, we moved to be closer to grandchild and help out. We pick him up from the nanny share one day a week, as do his other grandparents, so son-in-law can go to the gym after work. He has a stressful job and the exercise is beneficial! So we see him several hours once a week and help out other times here and there. I've gone over in the morning when DD was out of town - SIL goes to work at 5:30 AM and the nanny starts at 8:30. We kept him at our house for a few days when he was sick and needed extra attention. We are loving being grandparents (i'm 60 and DH is 68). I wouldn't be surprised if we get more involved in future years when he is in after school activities, etc.

 

[chrisney]

You just can't win with some people because some people are never satisfied.

I guess you can only do the best you can and if it's not enough maybe it's the other person who has the problem.

Thanks. I just miss her and what could have been. My grand daughter is now 11, and I,ve seen her around 10 times…just enough to make the absence felt. I was hospitalized/in rehab for nearly 3 months (COPD and Crohns) and she didn’t even visit me as I spent my 68th birthday in a nursing home. I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Btw, they live around 45 minutes from us. In 11 years I have been to her home twice. Her fil, who left his family with almost no contact for around 20 years, has been to my home three times (and he lives in Tennessee)!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I wish I knew what I could have done differently.

From your other comment and this one perhaps it's a difference in perception. Throughout the years it seems to stay the same with surveys with family estrangements the parents often report they have no clue what happened but the children articulate they have said already why or can pinpoint all the reasons why. I'm sure you've already tried but I hope there has been a talk at some point trying to clear the air

 

[Turn the Page]

My parents have been super involved from the beginning. Too involved. When DD16 was young I was a single mom trying to get through school and such and they helped out a lot then.

Unfortunately, my mom used my daughter to try to recreate the relationship she had with her grandmother. My mother grew up in a home with an emotionally abusive mother and sexually abusive older brother. Her grandmother was her safe haven and best friend. She looks on that relationship with rose colored glasses and essentially wants to be DD16's best friend rather than her grandma and has stated as much. That has led to a lot of undermining and parent alienation and we have had to cut her off entirely so it doesn't happen with the other kids.

My parents divorced last year and my dad is still super involved and loves spending time with the kids.

 

[chrisney]

From your other comment and this one perhaps it's a difference in perception. Throughout the years it seems to stay the same with surveys with family estrangements the parents often report they have no clue what happened but the children articulate they have said already why or can pinpoint all the reasons why. I'm sure you've already tried but I hope there has been a talk at some point trying to clear the air

One last comment. First, it’s not my thread, and if you look at my join date and post count…this one just got me at a really down point. According to her, I was a great mom and the problem is hers (even though it is my pain). If what can be seen is true, I almost believe her. She is raising her daughter so much like she was raised…even the same sleepaway camp, the same books, the same movies (not just those, but I don’t know where she found some of the movies). Her husband has had a very challenging life and has no understanding of typical family structures. that might factor in. She is in therapy, I’ve offered to go with her and been turned down. This is just not a place that I would wish on anyone. I do appreciate your comment.

 

[Frwinkley]

As a new grandparent, reading this thread is really helpful. I try desperately (and I do a good job of it) to never say the word "should" (as in, "you should do it like this") and I keep my opinions to myself, unless specifically asked. Even as my daughter was growing up, I avoided the word "should". She was also an exceptionally easy child to raise.

My DH is a bit more opinionated, but he too has done a good job of keeping his thoughts to himself.

My feeling is this--my DD and son in law have what we want (beautiful new baby girl). We will always play by their rules and do everything we can to be of assistance to them. The last thing I want to do is make new parenthood more difficult for them.

 

[Elle23]

My parents and my husband’s parents were horrible parents and even worse grandparents. Our 4 grown kids barely know them.