Are your parents good GRANDparents?

[sasywtch]

My maternal grandmother lived in England for my childhood (my maternal grandfather passed long before). She came to live with my mom in the states after I got married and was in a nursing home when my kids were born. I use to take my two older ones to see her and my oldest son got her blankee after she passed. He had that blanket even after he married. It was torn up but he still had it. My paternal grandmother passed when I was 1 year old but my grandpa was in his 90's when I was little. He use to walk us kids to the corner little store for candy.
My mom and dad were great. My dad would be one to have one of his grandkids (from the 4 of us, he had 11) on his lap feeding them his cheereos from his breakfast. They'd go to my neices softball games (my kids were too young yet but if he had still been alive, he would have been there). My mom after my dad passed, watched my kids for us while we worked. I think it kept her busy. She went to all games, went to all stars in San Diego, to gymnastics. We all had our holidays at their house. My ex-h mom told us right off she wouldn't babysit. We took the kids to see her often, she spent time with them then and did Christmas after 4pm there.
Present day and my grandkids. Only 1 of my kids (oldest DS) out of 4 had kids. Myself and my 3rd (DD) were at my grandson's little league game yesterday. I would normally go to all but this last year and this year, sometimes my disabled daughter isn't well. I was at my oldest grandson and granddaughter's games all the time. (they have aged out). It's just the way I was raised. I just called my oldest grandson and told him we need to have a lunch date. He is 18, graduating high school this year, a manager at Jamba Juice and playing volleyball so never see him anymore. My granddaughter (who is 13 and at that AWFUL age) calls me to see what I'm doing and to take her to 7-11. She knows grandma will buy. We are an extremely close group. My exh was the best grandpa he knew how to be. When he was between marriages (after me), he would come to all the kids games but, as usual, once he met his new wife, he quit showing up again and may come to 1 a season. The grandkids did enjoy going up to spend a week with him though at his house when it snowed. He passed away suddenly in September and they have good memories of him.

The difference in grandparenting is very stark with my grandkids. My daughter in laws parents are pretty much like my daughter in law Not family oriented. She loves her kids but her life is a priority. Little league supposedly takes away from family time???? Yes there are practices and games for 3 months which take away from YOUR plans but goodness, many people would be grateful to have a dad spending time with their kids. As I said, yesterday was my 9 year old grandson's game. The DIL (mother) came for 3 innings. Her mother and stepfather (who moved to Idaho/AZ) are here visiting and also stayed for 3 innings because they always have something else to do. They use to live 2 blocks from the little league field for years and still maybe made 1 game a season and only for a few innings. My DIL told my son if they are doing little league, it was his deal and she wouldn't be there much. So you have one set who make time for the kids and one who the kids need to schedule their time around. I think it's just different priorities in life. I was brought up that family is a priority. My kids and grandkids will always be a priority for me. Sometimes I miss a game going to a concert but try to make at least 1 a week. Sorry this is so long but my daughter and I were just talking about this yesterday at the game.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

many people would be grateful to have a dad spending time with their kids.

What an odd thing to say

Little league supposedly takes away from family time????

It's actually been quite known for the last several decades that increasingly kids are becoming over-scheduled between activities. One that do take away from family time. Whether or not that's the case for this family you're talking about we are a society that has increasingly scheduled activity after activity for kids. Parents often find themselves just shuttling between activities but not actually having one on one time.

Not family oriented.

I think we need to get away from using these descriptors. Family oriented doesn't and shouldn't be associated with how well a family functions, how there for each other they are, etc. You can be "family oriented" and yet be dysfunctional or pick and choose which things you support and don't support out of your family members.

The DIL (mother) came for 3 innings.

So you have one set who make time for the kids and one who the kids need to schedule their time around.

But she does show up? Just not how you do? This makes it sound like a competition. So you're complaining they don't stay as long as you do?

I was brought up that family is a priority.

Sometimes that's not the healthiest either. It opens people up to manipulation but it also can make people sacrifice in poor ways their own identity because it becomes being xyz for someone else. You know how mothers lose themselves in their kids and find themselves not having their own identity? Or spouses who devoted their lives to their spouse and suddenly retirement hits and they don't know what to do with themselves.

I find it a tad odd though how you describe your family's situation because I see a family that makes time but it's not the degree or amount you make so you think you're doing it better than they are. Maybe little league isn't their thing but maybe they find other activities or other ways to spend time and perhaps they are looking at it from quality time rather than quantitative time. You see that you attend all the games you can for your grandson and stay for the whole game. Yes you're supporting him but are you actually spending time with him at those games? Maybe they would rather have something they could spend time with but are still trying to support by showing up.

 

[lowlight]

It raises my eyebrows a little that many seem to equate "good" grandparents with their willingness to provide childcare.

To throw it back at you, it bothers me that grandparents look at watching their grandkids as “childcare”. When I took an older family member to the doctors regularly I never considered myself their “livery service”. I’m their family, family helps each other out because that’s how tribes have existed for many millennia. It was only when it became turn for the “me” generation that watching grandkids became “childcare”. It takes a village, unless that village is full of boomers, then it takes enough money to pay a babysitter. My mother specifically said to me her job was done when it turned 18, but the reality is she clocked out a lot sooner and I spent almost 80 percent of my life with my grandparents. Thankfully they didn’t say they never signed up to be childcare or I’d be in prison somewhere I assume. When I had kids, I reminded myself it wasn’t an 18 year commitment, and it wasn’t just to them but their offspring were I still alive.

 

[guy_incognito]

Title says it all. Personally, my grandparents were better than our parents have been. Could be we just had kids later in life. Still, I remember frequently spending whole weeks with my grandparents so my parents could go on vacation, and we lived hours away. I can count on one hand the number of times DW and I have been able to get away for a weekend, and we live about 10 miles from my DM, and it's not an option at all since DD passed away. DM is always saying that she wants to help with the kids, but it is always on her terms and we really can't count on her. Kids are kindof a full-time gig and we can't work around her schedule - surprised she does not know that. I thought it was just me, but older DB said the same thing when his kids were younger.

It's fine, not complaining, not even looking for advice - just wondering if it's a generational thing.

We moved for work within a month of our first child being born, so we haven't lived near grandparents in over 15 years. I greatly envy friends here with access to grand parents. We've had literally ONE week without kids in the past 15 years.

It is totally unrealistic for us to live there... there are no jobs for us in either city our parents live. It is impractical for my parents to move, as they have an active farm. The in-laws have both been retired for a decade or more now, and have no other grandkids. They give us grief about not seeing the kids enough, but honestly to me, the ball has been in their court. We've even encouraged them to consider moving into a retirement community. They can't keep up with the house anymore, and it's just pointless, but they are just stuck.

 

[Lumpy1106]

It raises my eyebrows a little that many seem to equate "good" grandparents with their willingness to provide childcare.

Hmm - I can see how you can interpret my OP that way - not the intention. It's more like DM doesn't want us to split attention between her and the kids. I get it; when you have kids the relationship with your parents changes. I think my grandparents handled that transition well, while DM did not. My focus is on my kids and I really can't compromise on that.

 

[Marrila]

Hmm - I can see how you can interpret my OP that way - not the intention. It's more like DM doesn't want us to split attention between her and the kids. I get it; when you have kids the relationship with your parents changes. I think my grandparents handled that transition well, while DM did not. My focus is on my kids and I really can't compromise on that.

Most folks can carry on a conversation with another adult while their kids play. There will be interruptions, but that's ok. It might be 1/2 day visits are better than all day. Maybe their place isn't very kid friendly? Can you pick them up and bring them to yours for a few hours? Visit and simple lunch on a Sat?
Basically these are a few meet in the middle suggestions and thoughts.

 

[CdnCarrie]

We moved for work within a month of our first child being born, so we haven't lived near grandparents in over 15 years. I greatly envy friends here with access to grand parents. We've had literally ONE week without kids in the past 15 years.

It is totally unrealistic for us to live there... there are no jobs for us in either city our parents live. It is impractical for my parents to move, as they have an active farm. The in-laws have both been retired for a decade or more now, and have no other grandkids. They give us grief about not seeing the kids enough, but honestly to me, the ball has been in their court. We've even encouraged them to consider moving into a retirement community. They can't keep up with the house anymore, and it's just pointless, but they are just stuck.

We have had 1 night in 20 years.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Reading this thread, I'm reminded of Elsa's song "let it go" when it comes to expectations from both grandparents and the parents about what both will do.

When I define "are you a good grandparent", I actually define it as "are you a bad grandparent" - do you abuse your grandkids, do you brutally demean them, do you flat ignore them, do you talk bad about them to everyone you know, do you make their parents lives a living hell, do you steal from them, do you offer them drugs and alcohol, etc.

If you manage to say "no" to all those questions, you're a good grandparent. Maybe not the best there can be (and who really does live up to their best), but one where, I, the parent, will keep you involved to the extent you want to be involved and not complain/rock the boat.

Life is too short to want to add the burdens of expectations to either party.

PS - I have never had either set ever watch my kids for an overnight (let alone be any sort of daycare or babysitting). That just meant that my kids were very involved in the planning and execution of our trips away. That said, when I had emergency surgery and my later pregnancies, my sisters have come up big and watched my kids (and my mom did visit to help for one of those events, although my sis was in charge of my baby, not my mom, b/c she offered).

 

[disykat]

Two Misfits, I totally agree!! The expectations seem to be high on this thread.

The people who've never had nights away - why does that have to have anything to do with grandparents? Our family all lived in different states so we didn't have "built in babysitters" either, but especially as they got older it wasn't that hard. They had sleepovers with friends sometimes, etc. If we wanted to badly enough, we made arrangements for a night or two away. We had good friends and neighbors and sometimes switched babysitting, even for an occasional overnight. Vacationing without our kids wasn't really an expectation of ours. We did take a short trip when they were both in high school and were both on a youth group trip.

Even when I was a kid, my parents went away occasionally if mom went with him on a work trip and it just meant that the retired lady from church who lived on a pension came and slept over and earned some extra money that month.

 

[Lumpy1106]

Most folks can carry on a conversation with another adult while their kids play. There will be interruptions, but that's ok. It might be 1/2 day visits are better than all day. Maybe their place isn't very kid friendly? Can you pick them up and bring them to yours for a few hours? Visit and simple lunch on a Sat?
Basically these are a few meet in the middle suggestions and thoughts.

Well, thanks, but it's more complicated than that. Oldest is in college, then I have an HS Senior and a 3rd grader. If you've been there, you know - there is no such thing as a simple lunch. We do our best to keep up with the kids, and invite her along. She refuses. When we do get together, she has no interest in what the kids are doing. Sorry, that's the gig.

 

[Marrila]

Well, thanks, but it's more complicated than that. Oldest is in college, then I have an HS Senior and a 3rd grader. If you've been there, you know - there is no such thing as a simple lunch. We do our best to keep up with the kids, and invite her along. She refuses. When we do get together, she has no interest in what the kids are doing. Sorry, that's the gig.

It sounds like you've already figured out what works best for you. One adult, another nearly there and a third grader. That must be a challenging, but fun age range.

 

[Jen81NYC]

I'm a grandmother, but my kid waited til we were in our late 50s and early 60s to have our grandchild. I kept telling them we would be too old by the time they had kids. I have no desire to be their babysitter everyday. I don't mind every now and again watching for a few hours. I am old and tired now and don't want to chase a toddler around all day every day either.

Interesting thread! This comment seems very telling to me and very much in line with a lot of boomer grandparents IME. Did you really regularly remind your kids to have kids before you get too old? Did your kids actually ask you to do full time childcare every single day or do they just want some availability so they can take a break and recharge without spending $25 per hour for a sitter?

IME, and I know this is a generalization, but a lot of boomers are very “me me me” and genuinely do not seem to have any interest in being a grandparent the way that the “greatest generation” were as grandparents. Usually a lot more health problems and often a real addiction to tv watching and/or their phones. Despite them being much more likely to have grown up in a “only one parent worked” home, there doesn’t seem to be any real understanding or appreciation for how challenging it is for modern day “two working parents” these days.

And this isn’t just me—I just googled “are boomers bad grandparents” and there are so many articles and threads on this, who knew?

 

[Marrila]

Interesting thread! This comment seems very telling to me and very much in line with a lot of boomer grandparents IME. Did you really regularly remind your kids to have kids before you get too old? Did your kids actually ask you to do full time childcare every single day or do they just want some availability so they can take a break and recharge without spending $25 per hour for a sitter?

IME, and I know this is a generalization, but a lot of boomers are very “me me me” and genuinely do not seem to have any interest in being a grandparent the way that the “greatest generation” were as grandparents. Usually a lot more health problems and often a real addiction to tv watching and/or their phones. Despite them being much more likely to have grown up in a “only one parent worked” home, there doesn’t seem to be any real understanding or appreciation for how challenging it is for modern day “two working parents” these days.

And this isn’t just me—I just googled “are boomers bad grandparents” and there are so many articles and threads on this, who knew?

How old is your child or children? How do you think are your parents doing in the grandparenting arena?
(Assuming they are still with us and in reasonably good health.)

 

[Jen81NYC]

How old is your child or children? How do you think are your parents doing in the grandparenting arena?
(Assuming they are still with us and in reasonably good health.)

Mine are 7 and almost 10. My mom and stepdad are decent but they have a lot of health issues so they can only really entertain them in the confines of my home. But I also have to really encourage them to engage with the boys even then because often my mom will just resort to showing the kids videos on their phone or iPad. Which, yes, my kids love but I can do that, lol. When I was a kid I always spent at least a week with my grandparents, who lived in central Florida, and I have so many fond memories of going to Sea World, Epcot, mini golf, Cypress Gardens, etc. with them. I truly can’t imagine my parents having the type of energy for that but they do their best, albeit indoors, and thankfully my kids adore them.

My husband’s parents on the other hand are kind of a mess—classic boomer heavy drinking in the evenings (so much wine!) and an expectation that us, a family of 4 where both parents work, consistently fly to them, two wealthy retired people. And they never really play with the kids, etc. They always just want to “visit” and chat with other adults. They’ll even hire local sitters when we visit. (Which, fine, at least they’re proactive about it but I don’t really feel comfortable having a 15yo I don’t know take my kids to their local pool so again, just a lot of inside time or zero break for me and my husband despite it technically being a “vacation”.) Bet you’re glad you asked!

 

[lowlight]

Two Misfits, I totally agree!! The expectations seem to be high on this thread.

The people who've never had nights away - why does that have to have anything to do with grandparents? Our family all lived in different states so we didn't have "built in babysitters" either, but especially as they got older it wasn't that hard.

I think this line of thinking sums it up perfectly. I’m pretty sure most people in this thread never said they wanted a built in babysitter, so we’ll toss that straw man to the side. Yes, I expected my parents to offer to take the children occasionally, overnight or otherwise. Not babysit them, to be a human being and form a bond with their blood, to teach them things and spoil them in a way that a parent can’t. My parents would have never made it if they didn’t have my grandparents (at least on one side) to lean on. So yes, I do expect people that benefited from their parents babysitting 4-5 overnights a week for 13 years and entire summers at a time to pay even a fraction of that forward. I’m not a vengeful person, but if I were, my parents will need me a heck of a lot more than I will likely need them in the next few years as they enter their mid 70’s. Nobody is an island.

 

[kathyk2]

To throw it back at you, it bothers me that grandparents look at watching their grandkids as “childcare”. When I took an older family member to the doctors regularly I never considered myself their “livery service”. I’m their family, family helps each other out because that’s how tribes have existed for many millennia. It was only when it became turn for the “me” generation that watching grandkids became “childcare”. It takes a village, unless that village is full of boomers, then it takes enough money to pay a babysitter. My mother specifically said to me her job was done when it turned 18, but the reality is she clocked out a lot sooner and I spent almost 80 percent of my life with my grandparents. Thankfully they didn’t say they never signed up to be childcare or I’d be in prison somewhere I assume. When I had kids, I reminded myself it wasn’t an 18 year commitment, and it wasn’t just to them but their offspring were I still alive.

The children that you spend time with when they are young will become adults who will spend time with you when they are older. My parents cared for my brother's children now as adults they help my parents around the house and cook for them. You don't automatically become close just because you are family it takes effort.

 

[Jen81NYC]

I think this line of thinking sums it up perfectly. I’m pretty sure most people in this thread never said they wanted a built in babysitter, so we’ll toss that straw man to the side. Yes, I expected my parents to offer to take the children occasionally, overnight or otherwise. Not babysit them, to be a human being and form a bond with their blood, to teach them things and spoil them in a way that a parent can’t. My parents would have never made it if they didn’t have my grandparents (at least on one side) to lean on. So yes, I do expect people that benefited from their parents babysitting 4-5 overnights a week for 13 years and entire summers at a time to pay even a fraction of that forward. I’m not a vengeful person, but if I were, my parents will need me a heck of a lot more than I will likely need them in the next few years as they enter their mid 70’s. Nobody is an island.

Seems really telling (and a uniquely American phenomenon IMO!) to hear people chafe that grandparents don’t owe any “babysitting” or to have a grandmother say she “doesn’t mind” occasionally watching her grandkids. Like you said, spending time with grandkids is how meaningful relationships are actually made.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This comment seems very telling to me and very much in line with a lot of boomer grandparents IME. Did you really regularly remind your kids to have kids before you get too old? Did your kids actually ask you to do full time childcare every single day or do they just want some availability so they can take a break and recharge without spending $25 per hour for a sitter?

Are 50s and 60s really that old (speaking towards that PP's comment)? Especially if we're talking about late 50s. It's a lot more into personality, overall health, activities, lifestyle, etc. My mom (64) is just a few years younger than my mother-in-law but they couldn't be further from each other in health even if comparing what my mother-in-law was like in her late 50s and early 60s (my mom is in a heck of a lot better shape than my mother-in-law). It would be the silliest thing for me to have a kid at a certain age just so I somehow predict down the road how my parents may or may not be.

And to expand on the comment I quoted do you want your children to have kids because they want them, are willing and able to take care of them or are you just the person who wants to say you're the grandparent?

I don't think people truly expect their parents to babysit on the regular their grandkids, a very small amount maybe, but not the majority. There's like a perception that spending time with your grandkids unaccompanied from the child's parents equates to babysitting just by the virtue of it. But that's not what it has to mean.

 

[georgina]

Fun reading this thread! NO, grandparents do not 'owe' anything and should not be made to feel they are responsible for their kids' decisions to have kids. There is no way we would be full time caregivers to grandson, DD and SIL both have very good jobs and can well afford the nanny share, and he has another little boy there to be his buddy. As I said, we moved to be around to help out, and are generous with our time, and love being grandparents. We were very active parents, driving our kids around to their various activities. I assume we will help with grandson and his after school activities, especially if his parents are both at work. We have earned the right to travel and spend time on ourselves!

We did not have grandparents around to watch our kids ever, NEVER had a night away from home without them. SIL's parents are taking grandson for a week so DD and SIL can go to the Caribbean (we'll be in Europe on a Viking cruise booked 18 months ago). I hear some unrealistic expectations here for grandparents. I will add that my MIL, after receiving an inheritance, paid for all 8 of her grandchildren's college educations. There's a generous grandma.

 

[Jen81NYC]

Fun reading this thread! NO, grandparents do not 'owe' anything and should not be made to feel they are responsible for their kids' decisions to have kids.

Thank you for proving my point so well. I’m grateful my mom isn’t like this. EDIT: And again, suggesting that parents want grandparents to give up all their independence and free time to watch grandkids FT is a straw man.