Are your parents good GRANDparents?

[tom1944]

My parents are both "great" grandparents as well as now fantastic great grandparents. It was not unexpected since they are wonderful parents.

I believe they set an example for their children because we all strive to be the best parents and now grandparents that we can be.

 

[Turn the Page]

As a new grandparent, reading this thread is really helpful. I try desperately (and I do a good job of it) to never say the word "should" (as in, "you should do it like this") and I keep my opinions to myself, unless specifically asked. Even as my daughter was growing up, I avoided the word "should". She was also an exceptionally easy child to raise.

My DH is a bit more opinionated, but he too has done a good job of keeping his thoughts to himself.

My feeling is this--my DD and son in law have what we want (beautiful new baby girl). We will always play by their rules and do everything we can to be of assistance to them. The last thing I want to do is make new parenthood more difficult for them.

May I suggest, when you granddaughter gets older, never utter phrases such as "oh, mom won't let you wear that inappropriate clothing? Just buy it with your own money and keep it at my house. She is just being mean." Or other things like that.

 

[Marrila]

May I suggest, when you granddaughter gets older, never utter phrases such as "oh, mom won't let you wear that inappropriate clothing? Just buy it with your own money and keep it at my house. She is just being mean." Or other things like that.

It sounds like you know someone who chooses to do this. How very sad. I believe most loving grandparents would never say such things or have devious ideas like that.

 

[mefordis]

Title says it all. Personally, my grandparents were better than our parents have been. Could be we just had kids later in life. Still, I remember frequently spending whole weeks with my grandparents so my parents could go on vacation, and we lived hours away. I can count on one hand the number of times DW and I have been able to get away for a weekend, and we live about 10 miles from my DM, and it's not an option at all since DD passed away. DM is always saying that she wants to help with the kids, but it is always on her terms and we really can't count on her. Kids are kindof a full-time gig and we can't work around her schedule - surprised she does not know that. I thought it was just me, but older DB said the same thing when his kids were younger.

It's fine, not complaining, not even looking for advice - just wondering if it's a generational thing.

I hear this from a lot of parents where the grandparents just don't want to deal with babysitting. They like to visit but would rather not have the responsibility of looking after them. I definitely think it has to do with the age of the grandparent.

 

[nw6675]

I've already responded, but my big sis called me today and said how much my nephew LOVED some leftover cookies my mom had made for one of her Shanghai Rummy parties with her lady friends. (Which BTW she wasn't going to serve because the ladies might get powdered sugar on her floor...). He is autistic and very particular, so this was huge he liked something new.

Instead of offering to make them again sometime or even to give the recipe, she just was like oh that's nice. I know this is a minor example, but everything is like this. I jokingly refer to her country club, gated neighborhood as the compound. That's all she cares about.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I had the best grandparents ever. I've used them as role models and my grandkids are PERFECT. I feel sorry for my children. Their great grandparents were fantastic...all but one died when they were young. My Dad lived out of town, DH's Parents had very limited interest in any of their grands and my mother is non existent In their lives.

 

[Marrila]

I hear this from a lot of parents where the grandparents just don't want to deal with babysitting. They like to visit but would rather not have the responsibility of looking after them. I definitely think it has to do with the age of the grandparent.

Age? Maybe. Some grandparents feel pretty strongly that they want to be grandparents, not regular, scheduled babysitters.
The two relationships are different.

 

[kymom99]

I've already responded, but my big sis called me today and said how much my nephew LOVED some leftover cookies my mom had made for one of her Shanghai Rummy parties with her lady friends. (Which BTW she wasn't going to serve because the ladies might get powdered sugar on her floor...). He is autistic and very particular, so this was huge he liked something new.

Instead of offering to make them again sometime or even to give the recipe, she just was like oh that's nice. I know this is a minor example, but everything is like this. I jokingly refer to her country club, gated neighborhood as the compound. That's all she cares about.

Funny you shared this. My mom is gone but we have a joke in our house. My son one time told my mom he loved her pumpkin pie. So after that she would make it for him all the time. Now when someone gives a compliment like that we call it “ pumpkin pie” because we say they are sucking up so we will make more. My mom took great pride in her cooking, especially her baking. She love cooking for her grandkids, even when they got older.

 

[Marrila]

Title says it all. Personally, my grandparents were better than our parents have been. Could be we just had kids later in life. Still, I remember frequently spending whole weeks with my grandparents so my parents could go on vacation, and we lived hours away. I can count on one hand the number of times DW and I have been able to get away for a weekend, and we live about 10 miles from my DM, and it's not an option at all since DD passed away. DM is always saying that she wants to help with the kids, but it is always on her terms and we really can't count on her. Kids are kindof a full-time gig and we can't work around her schedule - surprised she does not know that. I thought it was just me, but older DB said the same thing when his kids were younger.

It's fine, not complaining, not even looking for advice - just wondering if it's a generational thing.

We traded babysitting with good friends. No one was zipping out of town for a week+ vaca, but long weekends were very do able. It was helpful to both families.

 

[Dcgc28]

I have the best mom and she’s the best grandmother as well. She drops everything on moment notices and comes to visit the girls (12+ hours) and we try to repair her as well by visiting as often as we can.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

I am forever grateful to God that He blessed me with the amazing Grandparents I grew up with. Love all-around. to all of you loving Grandparents and Parents, along with other adults who make a kind world of difference to the children in your lives

 

[Frwinkley]

May I suggest, when you granddaughter gets older, never utter phrases such as "oh, mom won't let you wear that inappropriate clothing? Just buy it with your own money and keep it at my house. She is just being mean." Or other things like that.

That would never even enter my mind.

 

[Colleen27]

I hear this from a lot of parents where the grandparents just don't want to deal with babysitting. They like to visit but would rather not have the responsibility of looking after them. I definitely think it has to do with the age of the grandparent.

I'm not sure it is age as much as personality and generation. A lot of my peers had grandparents as daycare, and quite a few of them did the same thing mine did with timing their retirement around their kids having kids. Which I think made sense, since few women in my grandmother's generation really had careers and most centered much of their lives around family caregiving. But I don't know a lot of grandparents in my mom's generation who were willing and able to do the same; most worked longer, and were less interested in giving up either the last years of their careers or the first years of their retirement to watch grandkids on a daily/regular basis. Part of that is probably the decline in pensions and the rise in divorces, which make early retirement a tougher thing to swing, but I think a lot of it was that our mothers did have degrees and careers and identities that are less oriented around motherhood so for them, staying home with a young child was a stage that they didn't necessarily want to revisit.

It'll be interesting to see how my generation ("elder" millennial) approaches grandparenting. Most of my kids and a lot of their peers say they don't want kids at all, though they're young enough - mid teens to mid 20s - that some may change their minds. My first and potentially only grandchild is 19mo now and I've yet to babysit her. I visit, I take her out with my bonus daughter, and I take BD out without the baby for some grown-up mental health time since she's a SAHM with few mom-friends, but I'm not really a baby person and prefer to leave the quality grandparenting time for when we can go to the playground or movies or shows or on adventures.

 

[Frwinkley]

I have a few friends who have been at the grandparent thing longer than me. They babysit the grandkids daily. They love it, but they are tired, especially when there are multiple kids involved.

It's hard to keep your opinions and advice to yourself. I think when you are a full-time caregiver to your grandchildren, those lines get even more blurred.

I understand why grandparents do it--financial reasons, keeps themselves busy in retirement, etc. I don't want to upset the relationship we have with my daughter and son in law. It is one of the most important things in my life.

 

[ronandannette]

It raises my eyebrows a little that many seem to equate "good" grandparents with their willingness to provide childcare.

 

[PAsFab5]

My parents were very involved and loving grandparents when my children were younger. 2 of my kids are young adults now and 1 is a teen. My parents priorities have shifted in the past 5 years away from family focus and onto themselves, which is totally fine since that’s what seems to be most important to them during this season. My parents spend no time currently with any of my children and each child has a different reason for that.

My in laws are the most consistent people I have ever met and that includes with their grandchildren. They always show up, they bake, the craft, they build, they talk and listen and respect them in all phases of their lives. They are truthful, honest and dependable with their grandkids and us as adult kids. I could not ask for more.

 

[Disneylover99]

It raises my eyebrows a little that many seem to equate "good" grandparents with their willingness to provide childcare. dad and MIL are excellent grandparents.
They‘ve never babysat, attended any of the kids functions, or helped out financially.

My dad and MIL have never babysat or helped out in any way. They’ve never attended any of the kids events or helped out financially. I consider them to be excellent grandparents. They come for dinner every now and then and visit with everyone. They don’t judge or tell us how to raise our children. Perfect!

 

[CdnCarrie]

None of them were very active or babysat much. Too busy with their own lives. Didn’t come to many of their activities - a few things but rare.

Good as in reliable and nice but not involved,
But both families have many grandchildren all local so ours were never their only focus.

 

[Turn the Page]

I'm not sure it is age as much as personality and generation. A lot of my peers had grandparents as daycare, and quite a few of them did the same thing mine did with timing their retirement around their kids having kids. Which I think made sense, since few women in my grandmother's generation really had careers and most centered much of their lives around family caregiving. But I don't know a lot of grandparents in my mom's generation who were willing and able to do the same; most worked longer, and were less interested in giving up either the last years of their careers or the first years of their retirement to watch grandkids on a daily/regular basis. Part of that is probably the decline in pensions and the rise in divorces, which make early retirement a tougher thing to swing, but I think a lot of it was that our mothers did have degrees and careers and identities that are less oriented around motherhood so for them, staying home with a young child was a stage that they didn't necessarily want to revisit.

It'll be interesting to see how my generation ("elder" millennial) approaches grandparenting. Most of my kids and a lot of their peers say they don't want kids at all, though they're young enough - mid teens to mid 20s - that some may change their minds. My first and potentially only grandchild is 19mo now and I've yet to babysit her. I visit, I take her out with my bonus daughter, and I take BD out without the baby for some grown-up mental health time since she's a SAHM with few mom-friends, but I'm not really a baby person and prefer to leave the quality grandparenting time for when we can go to the playground or movies or shows or on adventures.

I think we are similar ages, maybe a 5 to 10 years apart.

Shortly after we got married DH mentioned wanting to buy a second home in Florida when we retire. I said I can't imagine wanting to spend a huge chunk of time away from grandkids each year but it will depend a lot on what our kids end up doing. If they all stay local with kids we are close to then I wouldn't want to leave for several months a year. If they are all spread out across the country and/or no kids then that may be a different story.

Our oldest is 16 and is adamant that she doesn't want any kids. She recently had to have a procedure at the gynocologist and I asked if it could affect future fertility and thankfully was told no but DD again said she never wanted kids. It took all I had not to tell her "you're 16, you don't know what you want for lunch!"

 

[RF536]

My kids hit the grandparent lottery. MIL volunteered to watch our kids while we worked. MIL was late 50s early 60s when our boys were born. Thankfully I work a 9-5 and at that time DH worked either 2nd or 3rd shift including weekends so she only had them a few hours a day for 3 days a week.. She planned her whole day around the boys, when she had them she fully focused on them. FIL worked until the boys were in elementary school but he was home by 3, so normally saw them for an hour or so each time they were there. Inlaws have never missed anything the boys were involved in if family was invited they were there.
My parents both worked but were always willing to watch them if we asked. They also would take the boys camping with their cousins every summer. Like my inlaws they never missed anything the boys were involved in. My parents are about 20 years younger than my inlaws so were physically able to do more with them.
Both sets of grandparents brought different things to the relationships, but they all love the boys unconditionally and support them. The boys are in their early 20s now and still visit/talk to them regularly.