Are your parents good GRANDparents?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

In retrospect, I am so glad I pretty much understood what my mother could and could not do. She was treated for (and struggled with) depression for many years and died in her early 50's. But she was a grandma for the last 6 years of her life. No baking, no babysitting , no overnights. She couldn't handle those things with my kids.
But we had a great time on short walks, picnics with swimming and going to the beach. It was a lot of work for me, but it was worth it We have photos of those activities on our visits together that I treasure.
I will never regret being sensitive her situation and meeting her where she was. If she needed to just sit, enjoy the sea breeze that was fine. The kids would run over to show her shells or rocks treasures. She'd smile.
I couldn't fix it, but I found ways for all of us to share the joys of family.

Your lens is looking at the limitations of your mother through depression and how it affected her. It's a different conversation, a valid one, but a different one. In some ways some of the experiences people have either with their parents or when their parents became grandparents could be undiagnosed mental illness especially if we're talking about boomers and silent generation and even a bit of gen x where mental illness wasn't at the forefront of society's mind, however I wouldn't want to leap to thinking that everyone's "bad" examples are just that.

I don't think there's any one definition of good or bad grandparent. I do think a willingness to be present and effort are universal though. Your mother didn't bake with her grandchildren...so what? But she did spend time other ways. My fondest memories with my grandparents has and always will be playing Farkle with them. Do I remember if they watched me overnight? Nope. But that's okay. Most people in this thread who have described poor relationships with their parents as grandparents tend to stem from it being so one-sided. I think it's fair for them to wonder why and/or feel their parents lacked.

 

[disykat]

Sorry, I'm just not getting all the "times have changed and grandparents need to get on board" insinuations. I plan on being the same kind of grandparent my parents were and my grandparents were. Each relationship was different and each had great memories involved. I don't feel the need to step it up to some kind of new expectation where there's apparently a report card.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't feel the need to step it up to some kind of new expectation where there's apparently a report card.

That would be a shame though if a relationship was impacted if you weren't receptive to any feedback because you feel that you've created what type of relationship you had but your children or grandchildren don't see it the same way. That's like cutting off your nose to spite yourself.

But times have changed, tech has changed, schedules have changed, lifestyles have changed, people's economic situations have changed (you have a decent amount of Millennials and now rebound Gen Xers for example not in homeownerships which change even the most basic premise of this thread about childcare). My grandmother was pregnant 10 times (5 live births) with a second husband who was away more than he was home and where they uprooted their family enough times. She didn't drive for decades (my grandfather did all the driving) and she drank and smoked heavily. Was she a bad grandmother? No. Could she have done things differently that would have had an impact on me as her grandchild? Of course! I as a grandchild I think would have been hurt if she dismissed opportunities to do things differently with me (or my sister or my cousins) because she didn't like observations being made.

 

[Jen81NYC]

Sorry, I'm just not getting all the "times have changed and grandparents need to get on board" insinuations. I plan on being the same kind of grandparent my parents were and my grandparents were. Each relationship was different and each had great memories involved. I don't feel the need to step it up to some kind of new expectation where there's apparently a report card.

The entire premise of the thread is about people’s current experiences with grandparents being *less involved* and helpful than the grandparents we had as kids. If any grandparents reading this are confident they’re being good grandparents to their grandkids, then this apparently doesn’t apply to you! But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being aware of our parents’ strengths and failures, our own strengths and failures as parents, our spouse’s strengths and weaknesses, etc. That’s just life.

As someone said earlier and as I also mentioned, to me being a good grandparent means spending meaningful time with the grandkids and making real efforts to do so. And yes I personally think a fair amount of that time has to be without the parents there as buffer, because that’s how the bonds are truly formed. (For example, could a kid’s teacher form the same teacher/student bond if mom was in the classroom every day? Unlikely!) If someone reads this and somehow feels judged or attacked as a grandparent, then I’m afraid that says more about them than about me.

 

[RoseGold]

So, put in a little less effort, so you don't get bitter or start feeling like a martyr. For example, since it seems (like me) your grandparent set is way out of town, you can decide you want holidays at home and you can decide when visits would be most cost effective and feasible for you - and then see if they can see you then. Reducing some of the individual travel load is usually the 1st step if you're always on the give/give/give side and not on the receive/receive/receive side.

My parents and my in-laws live in the country, nowhere near each other, and won't ever go to the "big city." I'd consider all of them shut ins. Most of the time, they won't fly or drive anywhere, so we can't even meet anywhere or go on a trip or anything. I get they don't want to go to Disney, that's a lot. I did get one Disney trip with grandma, so that's something.

But I'd love to just rent a weekend lake house or something, like normal families seem to do. I thought about buying one so they could maybe even go there when it was empty or something, but they will never do it.

 

[Marrila]

My parents and my in-laws live in the country, nowhere near each other, and won't ever go to the "big city." I'd consider all of them shut ins. Most of the time, they won't fly or drive anywhere, so we can't even meet anywhere or go on a trip or anything. I get they don't want to go to Disney, that's a lot. I did get one Disney trip with grandma, so that's something.

But I'd love to just rent a weekend lake house or something, like normal families seem to do. I thought about buying one so they could maybe even go there when it was empty or something, but they will never do it.

Don't wait too long to plan your vacations or rent a lake house somewhere. It's lovely to include others, but if it's a no I hope you and yours still go and enjoy.

 

[disykat]

I just can't resist adding more. I hoped that my kids (and basically any human I interact with) would be capable of seeing me as a person with strengths and weaknesses, things I excel in and things I am weak in and wouldn't label me as "bad" because I don't meet their every expectation. This thread "triggered me" right from the title, I guess. I've spent too much time writing report cards where we would never label a human being as "bad" or "good" because they didn't meet all our expectations, but rather have very careful communications about any issues.

My parents weren't good at all the grandparent stuff but were great at some of the grandparent stuff. To me, the fun part of grandparenting is that there AREN'T all those expectations like there are on parents.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Like some others here, three of my grandparents were gone before I was born, and the one who was left, I wasn’t close with. She was “old” by the time I arrived - on both sides of my family I have cousins who are 10 to 20 yrs older than me. All of my grandparents were born in the late 1800s! I could’ve used an awesome grandparent, too.

I am really looking forward to becoming a grandparent some day myself, with no pressure on my kids to make that happen. They just know that, God willing, if I’m still here, I want to be involved. Most of my friends are already grandparents. We got a late start ourselves so our kids are younger than most people our ages are. I foresee a room in our house for grandkids where we’ll hopefully have many sleepovers and fun times when they stay over. My kids know and appreciate this.

My kids were fortunate in the grandparent dept. My mother lived with us from before they were born, so in some ways she was like a second mother to them. Endless hours together for over twenty years. They were also close with their grandparents on DH’s side. All were present for important events, and we got to travel with them in their later years to Disney and on a cruise, which was great for my kids and for them. No complaints.

I talked about it in another thread (more so with my mother, but it was true of my in-laws, as well) that both of my kids got to help with hospice care with all three of their grandparents, and that was very meaningful to them. They helped when I was somewhat infirm with cancer and chemo, too, when they were just six years old, so their experiences have helped make them compassionate people in their own right.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have to say that I found some of the rhetoric in this thread off-putting.

Stereotyping a whole generation isn’t cool.

It seems like on more and more threads around here these days, this is what we’re seeing. And it stinks.




I realize that people don’t understand it when they’re young, as I didn’t really myself, that as we get older, it gets harder to do things. People get burnt out after thirty-plus years of school, homemaking, working, raising a family, health issues, and taking care of other obligations, etc. (As hopefully all will see for themselves someday.)

It’s ok if they admit they don’t want to watch a toddler full time or want to mostly focus on themselves. That used to be what autonomy was about, but I guess things have changed now?

Forgive me if I’m out of the loop - I’ve been busy raising my family and working so it may have gotten by me.

Also, some seem to think that the previous generation had it easier somehow. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. It’s probably for another thread but every generation had/has/will have their challenges.

That’s not to say I don’t understand the challenges of today’s young people because I do, having two young adults myself. And yes, they are significant. But there are also ways to work with those challenges just like others did, and come out ok. I know because I am seeing it with coworkers, kids’ friends, nieces and nephews, etc.

So could we get back to the discussion of grandparents without the undercurrent of competition and blatant insults? Please?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Sorry, OT, but Marrila, I have been trying to contact you. Is it possible to contact me?

 

[Noah526]

My parents are very good grandparents. They love their grandchildren very much and help them with everything.