Are you and your spouse on the same page money-wise?

[ilovejack02]

What it basically boils down to is you have much larger problems than just money. I could be wrong, but you have brought up other issues before on here . Even if this is your only issue, I think counseling is the way to go . Hope you two can come to a compromise and do it quickly.

 

[StitchBuddy]

My hisband and I are pretty much on the same page. That doesn't mean we always agree. I tend to want to spend money on things for the family, while he wants to spend on things for himself. However, we both believe in saving for the future.

But, we both watched as our mothers spent our fathers into the poor house and both marriages ended in divorce. My dad left my mom at when he was 52 and she was 50. They had a rental house and decided to sell it, my mom went through all the money from the sale in less than 6 months. That was the beginning of the end. By the time it was all said and done my mom walked away with quite a bit if cash, because my dad didn't want to give up his retirement money, so she got all the procedes from their house and any liquid assets. 2 years later my mom had blown through all the money and my dad was on his way to a better life style. He went one to buy several rental house and live very comfortably.

 

[marie1203]

I guess I am really lucky. DH and I are in the same page he understands and are working towards the same goals. My mom and step-father had this issue he likes to spend and my mom is a saver they are getting divorce now and it is not just because that issue, but money has a big part of it. They were married for 11 years .

 

[crisi]

I'm a saver, he's a spender and we play to each other's strengths. He keeps me from being TOO cheap, I keep him from spending money stupidly. He's learned over the years to be able to gauge my tolerance for spending pretty well and its more important that I'm comfortable than that he spends.

 

[dvcgirl]

I'm a saver, he's a spender and we play to each other's strengths. He keeps me from being TOO cheap, I keep him from spending money stupidly. He's learned over the years to be able to gauge my tolerance for spending pretty well and its more important that I'm comfortable than that he spends.

This is DH and I. I mean, DH was a saver when I met him, but I was a "super saver", and so I pulled him in that direction. But I was too frugal and as our income rose, he's helped me to loosen up a bit. Even still, I don't buy a lot of things for myself. Not because I won't spend the money, but because I hate shopping.

I think the problem for the OP is that they don't have that "give and take". Her DH is doing all of the "taking" and she's having to do all of the "giving". I agree with her, it's not fair. He shouldn't get to use his "fun money" for the casino while she uses her "fun money" for household entertaining. I also agree with her that it's way out of line for a 51 year old man to ask his parents to borrow money for a weekend trip with the boys. That's a sign of a serious problem. Still, it's better than my DH's brother....he's 53 and asked his parents to buy him a *house*. That's some dysfunction for you there!

A couple of years ago, DH turned 40 and decided he wanted to learn to play the guitar. He's a very good piano/keyboard player (took lessons from age 6-18), and was in bands in college, that kind of thing. So, I got him a guitar and lessons for his 40th....and he *loves* it. I mean, just really took to it. And so I saw how important it was for him not only to have those lessons, but he's also a guy...and so he likes toys. And so we built not only the weekly lessons into our household budget, but also a certain amount each month that he saves up to buy different musical toys. He'll keep something awhile, sell it on ebay and upgrade....that kind of thing.

The point is, I could see that it meant a lot to him, and once that "fun money" was built into the budget for him....I didn't need to think about it. He keeps track of what's built up in his "guitar fund".....and buys and sells stuff as it suits his fancy.

We don't exchange gifts anymore...haven't for years, but he knows that I hate shopping...but had mentioned in passing that I wanted to get this or that....and he took $1,000 out of "guitar fund" and surprised me with a bunch of Christmas gifts....which was very sweet of him.

So, we balance each other out.

 

[eliza61]

This is DH and I. I mean, DH was a saver when I met him, but I was a "super saver", and so I pulled him in that direction. But I was too frugal and as our income rose, he's helped me to loosen up a bit. Even still, I don't buy a lot of things for myself. Not because I won't spend the money, but because I hate shopping.

I think the problem for the OP is that they don't have that "give and take". Her DH is doing all of the "taking" and she's having to do all of the "giving". I agree with her, it's not fair. He shouldn't get to use his "fun money" for the casino while she uses her "fun money" for household entertaining. I also agree with her that it's way out of line for a 51 year old man to ask his parents to borrow money for a weekend trip with the boys. That's a sign of a serious problem. Still, it's better than my DH's brother....he's 53 and asked his parents to buy him a *house*. That's some dysfunction for you there! .

That's why I think Op's problems are not money related really. There is some major dysfunction going on.
My dh and I have waaay different "money" personalities. He is more of a saver but he's also more of a "full price shopper". The word sale has absolutely no meaning for him, he literally goes into a store, see's an outfit on a mannequein and buys it like that. While I need help saving, I can wring a dollar until the eagle is screaming for mercy. But we both respect each other tremedously so the idea of one of us always "taking" is foreign.

The fact that one member of the op's family is doing something he knows full well is causing pain for the person he loves is imo, way worse than him blowing money.

As you and crisi pointed out, you and your spouses "tweeked" each others personalities to make sure the other spouse was "comfortable". You did it because you took the other persons feelings into consideration. That consideration is what op is missing. She could have Oprahs income and still they would have issues.

 

[dvcgirl]

That's why I think Op's problems are not money related really. There is some major dysfunction going on.
My dh and I have waaay different "money" personalities. He is more of a saver but he's also more of a "full price shopper". The word sale has absolutely no meaning for him, he literally goes into a store, see's an outfit on a mannequein and buys it like that. While I need help saving, I can wring a dollar until the eagle is screaming for mercy. But we both respect each other tremedously so the idea of one of us always "taking" is foreign.

The fact that one member of the op's family is doing something he knows full well is causing pain for the person he loves is imo, way worse than him blowing money.

As you and crisi pointed out, you and your spouses "tweeked" each others personalities to make sure the other spouse was "comfortable". You did it because you took the other persons feelings into consideration. That consideration is what op is missing. She could have Oprahs income and still they would have issues.

Your absolutely right. It's the consideration that's missing on the OP's husbands behalf.

OP, have you ever just talked to DH about your feelings on the matter? I agree with someone who said that they hate the word "allowance".....I think another poster asked if you could "give your DH an allowance". That makes you sound like his Mommy, and not his wife.

Whatever you and your husband have to spend on fun....it's a budget line item. Blow money, fun money....whatever. And honestly, it doesn't even have to be equal if both parties are cool with that. Trust me, DH spends a lot more on guitars and lessons than I do on "fun" stuff. But there's nothing that I honestly want. And I know that if I went to DH and said...."honey, I'd like to do "whatever", can we cut back on the "musical stuff" purchasing so I can do "fill in the blank".....he wouldn't hesitate...not even for a second.

So I agree with eliza61, it's a consideration issue. You don't feel appreciated...and I don't blame you. Maybe you could work it out with a little counseling?

 

[neatokimmo]

Money conversations are so important and I think should start BEFORE you get married.

We are getting married April 2012. We have already agreed on a rough budget, exactly what our savings plan is going to be, how much every month is going into the shared bills account and what work we'll be doing to the house to make it suitable for both our needs.

We'll have one shared account for bills & vacation. We'll have one shared savings account for house items (like new furniture). After he makes his 401k & IRA contributions I don't care what he spends the rest on. I just ask him to let me teach him how to research and plan for good deals. He doesn't even use a value card at Krogers. To me, that is setting money on fire.

 

[jodifla]

No but my point being that it seems that neither one of them were taught adequate money-management skills. My DH has mentioned borrowing money from his father also until I guess I shamed him so much that a 51 yr old man would still have to borrow money from his father. By the way, he was wanting to borrow money for a golf/concert/casino weekend with his guy friends that we didnt have an extra $300 for.

And as far as setting up different accounts, what am I supposed to put in them? We have enough to pay the bills and set a little bit aside for later and eat out a few tmes a month. Thats all! There is not this stash of "extra" to divide up into 2 or 3 accounts.

I have been in the situation before after my divorce where a bill was coming due and I didnt know how I was going to pay it. I dont want to be like that again. Like someone said, we have the kind of jobs where we should not be living paycheck to paycheck.

So I have to ask: Given his history, what did you think would happen with your finances after you got married???

 

[SnowWhite607]

So I have to ask: Given his history, what did you think would happen with your finances after you got married???

I wasnt aware of any of his problems with money until after we got married and combined incomes. Like I said in one of my previous posts, when we first got married I was a little more toward the "spender" side. Not friviolously but more so than now. But as time passes and you have children and we get older and closer to retirement, I am becoming more and more on the "saver" side because I know we wont always be working one day and we wont always have the income we have now. So I want to put a bit back to live on in my older years.

 

[Beckypooh1972]

I hear you! My husband often has this same kind of entitled attitude. It does drive me crazy sometimes too. If he doesn't love what we already have in the house to eat he's the first one to say "let's go out to eat". He's really a live for today kind of guy and it's tough sometimes when I want to budget and he's not on board. Sorry I don't have any advice other than to co-miserate with you!

 

[njmom47]

Hmm, I guess we are basically on the same page. We have a joint savings acct, we each have a 401k, I have a savings acct (auto-deducted from my paycheck), but we have separate checking accounts. We're not spenders, although when I first met him, he was a single guy making good money. He pays utilities/mortgage/insurance, and I buy groceries, pay the cellphone bill, and buy what the kids need. We don't really blow money on "things" but we do shop together for big household purchases.

 

[dvcgirl]

I wasnt aware of any of his problems with money until after we got married and combined incomes. Like I said in one of my previous posts, when we first got married I was a little more toward the "spender" side. Not friviolously but more so than now. But as time passes and you have children and we get older and closer to retirement, I am becoming more and more on the "saver" side because I know we wont always be working one day and we wont always have the income we have now. So I want to put a bit back to live on in my older years.

I don't know if you've ever listened to Dave Ramsey's show, but he gets a lot of calls from people who aren't on the same page as their spouse. He tells them to talk about the "why" and not the "what".

Meaning....talk about why you want to stick to a budget and save for retirement...instead of just "here's what we need to do....and that's just the way it is".

You are right...you absolutely need to be not only saving for retirement, but also investing. If you don't have a pension...go to the Social Security website and you can actually show your husband exactly what you can expect to bring in each month. Maybe that will help to wake him up.

Maybe if you go give him the "big picture" he'll see the light?

 

[ChiCat]

I will be totally honest and admit I am horrible with money and my whole life I have lived paycheck to paycheck. My husband is much more frugal and a big saver. We now have rubbed off on each other a bit, he is a bit more relaxed, and is okay with spending more money than he used to, and I have cut way back on spending, and I get scared/paranoid that I'm spending too much at times so I have to stop and literally ask him if our checking and savings account is okay. It's a learning experience for me but I am really trying. I'm sure other people have stated this but I'm a big supporter of this mostly because DH and I are still in our premarital counseling (we find it so helpful!) but if you sit him down and he can not see where you are coming from at all and it is making you crazy and putting your financial security at risk, would you seek a third party, marriage counselor for advice?

 

[NYCDiane]

I am just really tired of fighting about it all the time.......

I know what you mean and I am going through the exact same thing. My spouse and I are on totally different planets when it comes to money. A few years back, he wanted to pull the crap: "I'll pay my bills and you can pay your bills" and would never, ever give me a penny toward anything. All the bills were screwed up, our rent was constantly late, we never had an extra penny for anything. I remember one time getting a flat tire and I didn't have the money to get the tire changed. It couldn't be patched and a new tire was going to run close to $100. Of course, I didn't have a dime. I had to get a ride home from the tire place and try to scrounge up change, bottle returns, sell a piece of my jewelry, and put the rest on a credit card simply because we never had a penny left and were barely making it paycheck to paycheck.

Well, we were getting ready to move (about 3 years ago) and I gave him an ultimatum: Either I handle ALL the money and bills or he can stay put and I'm taking our daughter and I'm moving without him. He tried to sqwawk about it but I told him I'm not going through this insanity anymore and if he wants to live with us, it's going to be on these terms. If not, he can stay put. He finally agreed.

Well, it took me MONTHS to get his mess straightened out. MONTHS. I finally got every single bill up to date and being paid on time, I can actually do a decent grocery shopping weekly, I can actually go to the laundromat each week rather than having to wait because there's no money. We still have no savings since there is nothing left over to save, but things are being paid on time and it's nice being able to drive a car that's not on "E" on payday and hoping to make it to the bank to cash the check so I can get some gas! I use coupons for everything to keep costs down and I don't get any "extras" (ie: mani/pedi, spa days or any other luxuries like that -- heck, I barely get a haircut twice a year!)

Well, lately, he's been on the "I'll pay my own bills" game again. He pulled it again today. I reminded him, if he wants to do that, then he can start packing now and leave. I will NOT allow him to destroy that part of my peace of mind again. He did it to me for YEARS and it's not going to happen again.

He seems to think I'm taking the money and playing around with it. He plays the same argument every payday: "How much do you need for the bills" or "No, I need this money for something" and won't give me the money until after we have a major argument about it.

I've given him an exact listing of our monthly bills and the "bill book/calendar" is right out in the open and he can look at them any time he wants. Of course, he refuses to look at them because he thinks I have more than one book

The book/calendar is actually a calendar book (the size of a a notebook) with all the bills written in on the days they're due. Paper-clipped to the page is a list of what bills are being paid on what pay date and the total amount. The other book is actually a checking account ledger that I keep in a marble notebook (easier to use than a checking ledger) and it shows every single penny that goes in/out and what it was used for. He still doesn't believe me (or is using this as an excuse).

I really can't stand this stress any more. I'm very sick at the moment and the stress he causes with this money issue is only making things worse.

Sorry this post was so long.

 

[LovableGluttons]

I know what you mean and I am going through the exact same thing. My spouse and I are on totally different planets when it comes to money. A few years back, he wanted to pull the crap: "I'll pay my bills and you can pay your bills" and would never, ever give me a penny toward anything. All the bills were screwed up, our rent was constantly late, we never had an extra penny for anything. I remember one time getting a flat tire and I didn't have the money to get the tire changed. It couldn't be patched and a new tire was going to run close to $100. Of course, I didn't have a dime. I had to get a ride home from the tire place and try to scrounge up change, bottle returns, sell a piece of my jewelry, and put the rest on a credit card simply because we never had a penny left and were barely making it paycheck to paycheck.

Well, we were getting ready to move (about 3 years ago) and I gave him an ultimatum: Either I handle ALL the money and bills or he can stay put and I'm taking our daughter and I'm moving without him. He tried to sqwawk about it but I told him I'm not going through this insanity anymore and if he wants to live with us, it's going to be on these terms. If not, he can stay put. He finally agreed.

Well, it took me MONTHS to get his mess straightened out. MONTHS. I finally got every single bill up to date and being paid on time, I can actually do a decent grocery shopping weekly, I can actually go to the laundromat each week rather than having to wait because there's no money. We still have no savings since there is nothing left over to save, but things are being paid on time and it's nice being able to drive a car that's not on "E" on payday and hoping to make it to the bank to cash the check so I can get some gas! I use coupons for everything to keep costs down and I don't get any "extras" (ie: mani/pedi, spa days or any other luxuries like that -- heck, I barely get a haircut twice a year!)

Well, lately, he's been on the "I'll pay my own bills" game again. He pulled it again today. I reminded him, if he wants to do that, then he can start packing now and leave. I will NOT allow him to destroy that part of my peace of mind again. He did it to me for YEARS and it's not going to happen again.

He seems to think I'm taking the money and playing around with it. He plays the same argument every payday: "How much do you need for the bills" or "No, I need this money for something" and won't give me the money until after we have a major argument about it.

I've given him an exact listing of our monthly bills and the "bill book/calendar" is right out in the open and he can look at them any time he wants. Of course, he refuses to look at them because he thinks I have more than one book

The book/calendar is actually a calendar book (the size of a a notebook) with all the bills written in on the days they're due. Paper-clipped to the page is a list of what bills are being paid on what pay date and the total amount. The other book is actually a checking account ledger that I keep in a marble notebook (easier to use than a checking ledger) and it shows every single penny that goes in/out and what it was used for. He still doesn't believe me (or is using this as an excuse).

I really can't stand this stress any more. I'm very sick at the moment and the stress he causes with this money issue is only making things worse.

Sorry this post was so long.

Hang in there, you're doing the right thing. He just can't get it into his thick skull.

I hope either your income goes up or expenses come down so you can have more breathing room soon.

 

[Bungle]

We were not always on the same page. I have always been a saver, him a spender. Which equaled a lot of nagging on my part. Then he got laid off. We had to depend on what I had stashed away because his savings were almost nothing. I still have my own savings now ( I think this is so important for everyone) but his almost mirrors mine. I think he had to be jolted into being a saver.

I agree that money talks are so important. So is sitting down and making a VERY detailed budget. Hold on to receipts, track your cash, and write it all down. Then focus on the positive. If you cut something back how much will you have in a certain amount of years. Set a goal. Will it be for a car? Vacation? Children?

Good luck. Money issues are tough

 

[NYCDiane]

We were not always on the same page. I have always been a saver, him a spender. Which equaled a lot of nagging on my part. Then he got laid off. We had to depend on what I had stashed away because his savings were almost nothing. I still have my own savings now ( I think this is so important for everyone) but his almost mirrors mine. I think he had to be jolted into being a saver.

I agree that money talks are so important. So is sitting down and making a VERY detailed budget. Hold on to receipts, track your cash, and write it all down. Then focus on the positive. If you cut something back how much will you have in a certain amount of years. Set a goal. Will it be for a car? Vacation? Children? Good luck. Money issues are tough

You know, I tried that with my husband many times. He completely scoffs at it. For example, we were drowning in credit card debt --- simply because we weren't making enough money and were doing a lot of our living off credit cards ( I know, dumb dumb dumb!) Well, I found credit card calculators online and figured each card and how long it would take to pay if we paid a certain amount each month. It came out to 3 to 5 years. I told him with complete enthusiasm that we can finally make a plan and get the cards out of the way! His response? Pffft.... yeah, 3 to 5 years, ha. He did the same thing when I said I was going to quit smoking (which I did 9 years ago). Pffft, yeah right. A total negative.

We have many other issues other than money. The only reason I haven't put him out yet is because he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own and I don't want to put him in a position of having to rent a room (which he couldn't afford, anyway) or having to live with relatives.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I am not sure if I should be posting this here cause I have friends who frequent this board but here goes.....

I have a question......are you and your spouse on the same page when it comes to money? Reason I ask, I am a saver. a HUGE saver, a cheapo. My husband is a spender. As in "spend your last dime" kind of spender. We go round and round and round cause I handle the checkbook and I know what bills we have to pay, yet he just want to spend it on eating out, golf or going to the casino (which costs a MIMIMUM $100). I have tried to sit down and show him what we have coming due (vacation, braces, new tires for his truck, etc) but its not sinking in. We have a savings account and his answer for everything is "well take it out of savings". IMO savings is for emergencies, not for when you want to go to the casino and need some extra cash. Any advice for me?

I feel he is very immature in his way of thinking, almost child-like. He wants what he wants NOW and isn't able to see the bigger picture. When we got together I was a bit freer with money but as we are getting older (closer to retirement and a child growing up and therefore, needing more things) and I am only working part time right now (none for the summer), I have leaned more toward the thrifty side.

We have a savings account that I look at as savings, only for emergencies. His answer to everything is "well get it out of savings". Um, its not gonna last forever! Its not for if he feels like going to a concert and needs some extra cash.

Do you see eye to eye with your mate on financial issues? If not, how do you handle it?

I could have written this post - and I honestly have no answers, just hugs and understanding!

 

[RadioFanatic]

I have tried to show him, believe me! He says he doesnt want to see it or he doesnt want to know, like if he doesnt look at it, it wont happen. When I try to show him, he just snaps "FINE! Just do whatever you want then" and walks away and pouts.

I have just never thought he had a gambling problem cause he doesnt do it every day or even once a week. I guess I think of addiction as in alcohol or something where you do it all the time.

Eliza61, he lied about the money cause he thought I would be mad. I was mad because before I left we sat down and agreed on an amount together. Then as soon as I left, he took what he wanted. As far as talking about goals, he has none. He is content where he is in life. He doesnt want anything better than what he has now. He doesnt want to strive for anything. We live in a very small home that is in a state of disrepair. He doesnt care. So much needs to be done but he doesnt care if it gets done or not and he is not motivatred to do it. He is fine living here and living paycheck to paycheck until he dies. I dont know what he thinks we are going to do upon retirement. I'm 10 years younger than he is so I guess he assumes I can still work and support us. (although not very well)

Once again, I could write this post too. Except, when I have to tell him to stop spending bc we have such and such to pay, he gets mad at ME, asking why don't we have the money. And if I answer, bc you buy two packs of cigs every other day, buy crap like snacks, DD coffee, fast food etc. when I make your lunches, etc. He then pulls the - oh it's always my fault pout. And I think you are like me in that you aren't spending money, in fact trying not to spend ANY money to compensate for his spending - am I right? I appreciate the other posts - but they all depend on a compromise dh is not willing to make - no "allowance" (yes, I hate that word too), no budget - just a "we make too much money to be having these issues" from my dh.