Are you and your spouse on the same page money-wise?

[ZehnJahren]

I have three (yes, three) savings accounts (one for big emergencies, like a job loss, that carries higher interest , one for smaller emergencies like car failure, and one for fun that can be spent for anything I want like trips or purses) and some stocks. I believe in having liquid savings and then dabbling in the market a bit - but my stocks are in a pretty solid company with "minimal" risk.

I hope you can find a good solid middle ground. I think DBF and I are a pretty decent match - athough I'm far more "frugal". =)

 

[SpecialK]

One of my best friends was married to a guy who liked to gamble. They established a gambling budget for the year, and once that was gone - it was gone. No more gambling. It worked for them.

If you are both teachers, could you establish a 403b and do direct deposit? It would take care of your need for retirement savings before the money ever came home.

 

[Cin]

Well we try to be but we have different spending and saving styles and we try to reach a happy compromise. We have a joint account but I also have a couple of separate ones too. One is from before we were married and I just never closed it yet (7 years after getting married lol) and it is even in a different state. But it is sort of a security blanket knowing I have emergency funds as peace of mind. He knows I have the account so it isn't like a secret but he doesn't know the balance any more. He is kind of a spender and I am a saver. I still have my Christmas money and birthday money gifts from last year and banked it all. He spent his right away. We have very different spending styles too, he will buy economy and get the cheapest thing but it may not be the best quality but it will get the immediate job done. I am opposite, I will wait and spend more buying the best quality I can afford and buy for the long term.

 

[Cin]

Oh I had the same problem, so I turned over all the bills to DH and now he sees that the money doesn't go as far as he thought and I don't have to stress over managing the accounts anymore. I prayed about it and turned it over to God to help my hubby with the task and me to be trusting he is not going to put us in the poorhouse and not question his judgement over every item. It was really hard at first and I questioned every penny, but now after 6 years, I am happier not stressing over bills, oh yeah DH has made a few minor mistakes that did cost financially and it was hard to not take back over, but instead of getting upset as the damage was already done, we had to sit down and make out another budget on paper and the graphs and numbers seem to help when in black and white. I made a pie chart showing where our expenses go and when he saw the chunk for dining out, cable tv and entertainment, land line telephones, etc. we made some major cutbacks. His idea. I opened an account at our employee credit union and have them withhold savings right from my paycheck too that he has no access to. (Do what you gotta do) Oh and guess what? We aren't in the poorhouse and he is getting better at the finances now.

 

[bettymae1121]

The only thing we disagree on is paying off the CC's. He thinks "you always have a CC payment, so why bother". But since I control the finances (his choice), I'm paying them off anyway. Really, it's not that we disagree so much as DH doesn't think it's possible. Once I prove him wrong I'm sure he'll be fine with it! But we both agree on not adding to our debt, our time table to replace the cards, 401k contributions, etc. I'd have to say, for the most part we see eye-to-eye.

 

[WeLuvDCL]

Cheap probably. But I can tell you one thing the reason we have as much as we do is because I am a saver. He and his first wife had to declare bankruptcy because they spent and spent and spent and then were surprised when the bills came due and they couldnt pay them

Just my opinion, but I think you are in for a very rough road ahead if filing for bankruptcy didn't have any affect on his spending. Just the thought of bankruptcy is what cured my DH. Although, he was never a huge spender, it was his ex-wife. She wanted to file bankruptcy, he filed for divorce (of course, there were other reasons for the divorce).
It didn't take him long to see how financially responsible I was and once we were married, I took over all the finances. Now he is just as frugal as I am but since we've been able to save so much we do splurge on something, but they are usually things that the whole family enjoys. We discuss all major pruchases before buying.

 

[Ress76]

Not that I have any words of actual advice, OP, but you're not alone. I am the "responsible one"; my husband, well, my standard explanation is, "If he has $20 in his pocket, he'll find a way to spend $40"...borrow it from his sister or a friend, float a check at the grocery store etc. He too had some financial issues with an ex-wife, and he had changed his ways for a long time, but then we got to a point of being "comfortable" and he's back to his old ways. When I have given him bills to pay when his payday comes around, the checks *always* seem to get lost in the mail . When I try to give him coupons to use if he's going to stop at the store on the way home, he "forgets" him. When I try to suggest meatless or less-meat menu ideas to save on groceries, he rolls his eyes-very meat and potatos kind of guy. When I suggest cutting or cutting back on cable to save some money, he gets annoyed. And on and on and on.

This has added a huge amount of stress to our marriage because I too would like to be setting some money away each check or each month, and I am actually lucky at this point to come out a tiny bit ahead each month.
I just do what I can to save us as much as I can as often as I can, and I often go without in order to provide for the family. It's tough, but I know some things will be changing before year end that will make a big difference financially, so I will just keep my head down and keep moving forward. As a PP noted, you married him for multiple reasons, and I am determined to keep trying to make our marriage work.

 

[QVCshopper]

I'm sorry. This is a tough one. The fact that you said he would go out and spend $100 while you and your DD stay home and watch TV tells me a lot. He is thinking about himself. And the fact that he went through bankruptcy and still spends tells even more. He needs an allowance stat. But he also needs to learn he has to change. Maybe watch Til Debt Do Us Part together as a start? Look at some financial books, like Dave Ramsey and Suze.

My DH and I are on the same page. He was always frugal, but I made him even more so. He would buy a $30 shirt when we were dating, and now he buys maybe $10 ones. There are better ways to spend money so you have it later in life. Good luck!

 

[arthur06]

DW and I don't always see "eye to eye" on finances either. We aren't bad, but do have our differences. We were raised very differently. She came from a pretty well to do family, so there was always money, no matter how much you spent, there was more. I came from almost nothing. Sometimes 2 meals a day was a stretch.

Up until about a year ago, I always thought of savings as 401k. I put in 10% of paychecks (plus the 3% I got from my company) and 40% of bonuses to 401k. I thought I had it covered. I then lost my job and was not at all liquid!

We now spend and save both! We both get some fun money every week. DW is a huge shopper, especially clothing! I give her $100 per month for clothes and I get $50 per month for other things. (I also enjoy the casino) DW usually lets me take $40, and checks the online banking if she thinks I went back for more! (trust me, not worth it!! ) The last 2 times I went, I have won ($140 and $155). I don't like to play big money, just have some fun and relax!

We will be married 5 years this summer. I am 32 and she is 29 and we both know that we make too much money to live paycheck to paycheck. So, our ways are changing! We very rarely eat out or go out, and we don't drink or smoke. We eat nice meals at home for 1/3 of the cost of restaurants and use our Directv, Netflix and occasionally the Redbox for entertainment.

I know that your situation may be a little harder as your DH is older and more set in his ways. Best of luck, hope you can both find common ground!

 

[sk!mom]

Can you give him an allowance.

I'm sorry but it always makes me cringe when someone suggests giving an employed adult an allowance. It just seems so condescending and disrespectful.

To the original question, yes, DH and are are on the same page financially. We are both fans of the balance between saving and living well. More importantly, we agree on what splurges are worthwhile most of the time. While DH handles most of the financial "'work" (he is an accountant, afterall), we discuss financial decisions and are both well aware of our financial picture.

I would suggest sitting down with your DH and setting up a budget together. It might even be necessary to have seperate accounts. You could both pay in a set amount to the joint account to cover the family obligations and then have your seperate accounts to use as you please. I know a couple, well, who have very differing financial styles and this works well for them. They even have a family savings account that is only used for big family purchases or emergencies, like braces. They've agreed that it cannot be touched by either of them for a personal want.

 

[Pakey]

We've been married 26 years and are probably closer to being on the same page now as opposed to our early years in the marriage. I like having nice things, my husband could care less.

When I was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago, he decided that maybe he was a little too tight. I'm the major breadwinner and I really don't want to leave all of my saved earnings for his next wife to enjoy. So we have compromised. We still live a moderate life but we take a huge non Disney splurge vacation once a year since it's not likely that I will be able to do it after retirement. We have no debt; we have enough saved for retirement so he finally understands that enjoying life now has to a part of the equation.

 

[malibuconlee]

My DH and I are mostly on the same page when it comes to financials. Sometimes I'll give him grief for paying too much for every day stuff. He says he worries more about the big picture. It works for us.

Haven't read all the replies, but sounds like going over the budget and giving him an "allowance" he can blow on whatever he wants to would be a good compromise. He can spend some money without feeling like he needs to talk with you and you will know that no more than what you are willingto part with will be gone. i know lots of people who do this. "allowance" "fun money" whatever you want to call it.

 

[ewalshslp]

to answer the original question, DH and I are "mostly" on the same page financially, but it took 9 years and a lot of arguments, discussion and compromise to get here. We were married young while my DH was still working on his degree, plus working full time. I made more money than he did, so I felt (wrongly) that I should have complete control over the finances. I uses to track every single penny, with hardly any money budgeted for fun, maybe one meal out a month, if that!! As we both matured and worked on our marriage together, the money issues also began to work themselves out. Not to say that we didn't have issues along the way, but we just compormised so neither one of us felt slighted. I insisted on saving, he insisted on some fun!!! We made it through 2 job "eliminations" and have still been able to keep our heads above water, both financially and emotionally. For the past 9 months, we have been buliding a new home....if that doesn't test the strength of your marriage, I don't know what does!!!But we have mostly aggreed on all major decisions with regard to that as well, building a moderate, comfortable house, with some upgrades, but nothing over the top.

Sorry this isn't really advice, but just keep talking and compromising, and you should be able to find a happy medium!!!!

 

[Marionnette]

I'm sorry but it always makes me cringe when someone suggests giving an employed adult an allowance. It just seems so condescending and disrespectful.

I bristle at that word too. It reminds me of the old I Love Lucy shows where Ricky was constantly yelling at Lucy for blowing the budget. And Lucy was always scheming her way around his restrictions. I think the OP would be wise to refrain from using that word when discussing money with her husband. Calling it "blow money", "personal discretionary fund" or any other euphemism that works for you.

Using the word "allowance" implies that it is by your goodwill that he has anything at all to spend on himself. You are "allowing" him to have a small amount of spending money. Okay for a 5 year old. Not cool for an adult man.

 

[alymae1010]

My husband and I were married in September, and we are not on the same page, although he is getting much better. I am a saver, and he is a spender.

One thing we decided to do when we got married was to have 1 joint account, and then keep our own separate accounts. We each put a percentage of our paychecks into the joint account, and the rest is ours. All mutual bills are paid with the joint, but then we still have our money. So, if he has saved up and wants to do something I think is frivolous, he's free to do so, and vice versa. Our friends think we're odd for not combining everything, but I know we also fight a lot less about about finances than they do. It just takes away that feeling of resentment, and that he is somehow taking money away from 'us'.

 

[southern_redhead]

Someone else pointed this out - you said your DH would take $100 and go out with his buddies while you and your DD sat home. I, too, see this as a big contribution to your problems. It seems a big problem might be less that he wants to spend occasionally and more that he would rather spend on himself and his pals than on his family.

My DH and I went through this early on in our marriage. It went back to how we grew up. My parents divorced, we weren't a terribly functional family but the family unit was always first. After bills were paid we went on family trips, did things as a family, etc... My husband was the exact opposite. His parents never did anything with their children. There were no family vacations or outings. Any money spent was on them doing things with their friends. They even skimped on the kids' Christmas to party.

It took him a while, and it took me making plenty of not so subtle reminders that he had a family, but he's finally come around. In fact, he went to hang out with his buddies a few months ago and was back early - he said "I realized I didn't want to be there with them - I wanted to be here with you."

I think how you saw money handled as a child can very much influence how you handle it as an adult. Were his parents savers? Did they pay their bills and then try to spend money on entertainment for them as a family? I agree that people need "blow money" as well. You need something to spend as YOU see fit, or save as YOU see fit. If he is someone who values entertainment and travel then he needs to find a way to funnel his extra money into that. It may mean taking one beach trip a season vs one a week but he would still get to do it. My advice would be to list your bills. Then subtract it from your combined income. Take the leftover and agree on how it is to be dispersed - X amount into emergency savings, X amount into vactions/camps for your DD/etc.., X amount into pocket money for each of you, etc...

 

[mom2princesss]

DH and I used to have this problem to a certain degree. I take care of our finances but if DH sees money in the account then he has no problem spending it. I found an easy fix. Each pay check is direct deposited into various accounts. We have a joint checking where the bulk of the money goes and we use it to pay bills, buy groceries, spending money, etc. Part is sent to a joint savings. Part is sent to DH "savings" that he drains every month Part is sent to my savings. I view my savings as the emergency fund since DH can't touch it and I know it will be there. I also pay all of our bills at the beginning of the month no matter when they are due. That way we know how much there is to live on the rest of the month, no questions.

In your situation I would have money automatically deposited into a checking, savings, your savings and a savings acct for DDs braces. That way you know you have an emergency fund and the money for the braces already reserved. When the money is automatically deposited into the various accounts it is less painful and not missed as much.

 

[southern_redhead]

One thing we decided to do when we got married was to have 1 joint account, and then keep our own separate accounts. We each put a percentage of our paychecks into the joint account, and the rest is ours. All mutual bills are paid with the joint, but then we still have our money. So, if he has saved up and wants to do something I think is frivolous, he's free to do so, and vice versa. Our friends think we're odd for not combining everything, but I know we also fight a lot less about about finances than they do. It just takes away that feeling of resentment, and that he is somehow taking money away from 'us'.

Good point, compartmentalizing can keep you from tearing each other's hair out. DH and I do this to some extent. We have even done this on our Disney trip. He has paid for the condo, will pay for the gas there and back, and will buy the groceries that week for our non-park meals. He's fine with THAT because that is what he does on our normal vacations, anyway. I am paying for our tickets, meals in the park, and the kids souvenirs. Those are all things he considers either too expensive (he almost died when he saw the ticket prices through YES even, I had showed him the ones on Disney's site and I think he had a mini-heart attack. He thought it would cost like $80 LOL) or a waste of money (every year I let the kids get a souvenir from vacation and every year he says "Why are we spending money on this?" I just know that every year I loved my vacation tee shirts/tote bags/plush toys and I don't find them a waste at all. He didn't vacation so he never had access to such things, sometimes I think it may boil down to being a bit jealous that his kids are having more fun in childhood than he did, although I know he is proud of being able to help provide said fun.

In day to day life, we don't pool our paychecks. He pays bills, I pay for the kids clothing/classes they take/gifts for friends. I bought almost all of their Christmas this year which left him more money for bills/to eat out on business trips/etc..
Anyway, sometimes pooling all your resources ISN'T the best way. Sometimes a mixture or keeping them separate just avoids a battle.

I like mommy2princesss' idea, too. Having an account or accounts that your money is divided into will give him a visual of where the money is intended. If he knows he has X amount in X account he may be happy with that.

 

[Marionnette]

Quoting Eliza16, red is mine: Op, remember you married him for probably some very good reasons.

My husband and I have very different money styles because we are 2 independant individuals. You say he is almost "Childlike" but I'm willing to bet if you ask him he might not agree with that description.
If ask, how do you think he would describe your money style.

Cheap probably. But I can tell you one thing the reason we have as much as we do is because I am a saver. He and his first wife had to declare bankruptcy because they spent and spent and spent and then were surprised when the bills came due and they couldnt pay them

what you have to do is find a happy medium. Maybe set a budget allowing him some play cash even if it means taking a little longer to pay off a debt.

Maybe set a long term goal. some thing like "by 2013 I'd like to have X amount in our savings"

You call it responsibilty and in some aspects you're right but who wants to go to work day after day, week after week and not have any enjoyment? That's not living, that's scraping by on a meager existance.

But I had rather do that now than when I am 70 years old and cant live on my meager retirement cause I didnt save anything extra. Or when my kid cant go to college cause - oh sorry! We didnt save for that! We were enjoying ourselves!

For example, you have a downpayment due in June, after that is done do you turn right around and say "now we can't do any thing fun because XYX is due in July and then again in August....." See how that can go. After the braces can you budget in 100 bucks for a beach trip?

Braces will be going on for 2 1/2 years with monthly payments of about $150, after the inital downpayment of $1300.

One thing I love about my relationship is that we talk constantly. I'm a luxury pocketbook addict. I love Louie Vuttons, coach bags and Prada. all of them are absolutely frivolous purchases. Now with 2 kids in college I can't go out and drop 1800 bucks on a LV but what I can do is save up for it. So in a year even though I'll still have college tuition I'll have a treat.

Thats the thing, if he were a handbag addict or whatever, he would not save for one. He would go buy it on a credit card and be damned the consequences when the bill is due.

My father just went on a trip. It was about $4000. He worked overtime and extra jobs and saved for about a year and a half so he wouldnt have to take household money to do it. Thats how I wish DH would be. Thats how I am. Its how I was raised. He wasnt raised rich so I dont know where he got that he is entitled to have what he wants immediately when he wants it and not have to save for it.

You seem to be approaching the family finances from a singular point of view instead of engaging your husband as a partner in the process. Even Dave Ramsey will tell you that your spouse gets to have a vote as to how the money is spent. While you want to be comfortably retired at 70, your husband might feel that he wants to be able to enjoy some of the benefits of his hard work now. There are a lot of people who feel the same way that he does. Just search for any threads about "Should be cancel or go?". Lots of posters will say that you never know what is going to happen tomorrow so enjoy life while you can.

You may never be able to completely convert your husband over to your way of thinking. But her might come around a little more willingly if you loosen the reins a little bit and allow him to grow up financially. Otherwise you might be destined to always be dealing with Peter Pan.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm sorry but it always makes me cringe when someone suggests giving an employed adult an allowance. It just seems so condescending and disrespectful.

Even though I'm "employed" as a SAHM, it still makes me cringe. I agree it's condescending and disrespectful.