I agree with others that OP's husband has a personal problem: self control, lying to cover, manipulating situations, impulse issues and addictions. My DH has similar tendencies, as he has some emotional issues as well, and it takes counselling, meds, proper diet & sleep and communication to help him remain on a more positive path. I wish the OP luck in helping her DH out with these problems. It's not just about spending money, it's why, how and the chemical rush he more than likely feels while spending that money, and the subsequent depression he may feel after when he realizes he has lied, or is out of money.
I am a saver and DH used to be a spender. His family has serious money problems: declare bankruptcy for fun, lose jobs, collect unemployment, lose houses, and do not save anything, and my family is the exact polar opposite. DH genetically has some of these same genes, so it has caused issues in our marriage over the years (by the way, DH is ok with me discussing this, as we have already talked about me doing so as a way to help others). He has convinced me to change my saving ways a few times, and purchase things we did not need, and this has been difficult for us as a couple, as it builds up resentment and personal feelings of guilt in myself. One of those biggest areas was DVC - he convinced me we needed more points, and to buy sooner than we needed to, and so despite having great vacations, and all DVC is paid for, I regret the whole process of how we went about purchasing DVC (didn't research as much as we should have, should have waited a few years, more points than needed, and didn't buy add-on via resale).
Now, he has come over to the spender side for us. I say for us, as he is a bank manager/financial advisor, so he is amazing with other people's money, and the family, but with our own, those family issues and old baggage comes into play, and he has tried to make himself feel better by purchasing something. He has now realized that overcompensating or purchasing an unnecessary item, like a DVD is not going to emotionally make him feel better. It has taken a lot of work, but he has come over to the spending side. I have had to become his client, so to speak, so I control all finances, as I have no emotional issues that will impair our ability to save, and I am an extreme organizer and very focused on saving money for various reasons: vacation account, education account, retirement account and general bills account. I will say though that we don't have issues with gambling, going to Starbucks, eating out, etc. We don't do any of those things, and neither of us has an allowance. We consult each other on all purchases (although once in awhile, he still has issues there), and that works for us. We also have joint accounts, and always have, with both our names on everything.
So, OP's DH sounds like he has personal/emotional issues that are preventing him from saving. If that is the case, then he more than likely will need professional help, as it's going to be a tough road without some clear and precise strategies, such as counselling, meds, allowance, etc. Saving money is a difficult concept for many, as it requires extreme foresight, organization, self control, focus and much multi-tasking. If someone struggles in these areas, than saving money becomes a very challenging and depressing concept. It requires work, and for many, that may be very difficult due to the emotional or learning challenges they may have in this area.
Interesting thread, Tiger
Like others said, it really look like your problem is deeper than just a budget or spender vs saver relationship, with life goals totally apart. I guess you've tried just talking about goals & retirement (generally, not the money thing), and didn't get anywhere either. Counselling would help, but only if he was on board (which it doesn't sound like).
