Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[cabanafrau]

I've seen too many struggle so hard to get back into the workforce, generally in very low wage, unappreciated and unfulfilling jobs that they had to take because their backs were against the wall because life threw them a curveball to say, sure, it's a good idea to leave the job and stay home. I did SAHM while my children were young. It had its rewards. It also took a real toll on me. It is very isolating, even if you do volunteer at school, church, lead a scout troop, etc.

I dabbled in a few part-time gigs here and there along the way. I was very fortunate in that they presented themselves to me via different personal connections. If they had not, I'm not sure what I would have rustled up if I had been in a position where I needed to find something. I've also been truly fortunate that things fell into place in very unexpected ways when I rejoined work full-time, with one of my part-time gigs developing into a very unique opportunity wherein I am able to independently contract in a position that fits totally within the needs and budget constraints where I work. Of course that also means that I have no benefits associated with my employment, which would not work for a lot of people, and could turn out to be an unfortunate choice for me in the future.

A marriage ends very shockingly, a spouse's job ends with little notice and no prospects on the horizon, you become ill and medical bills swamp you, your spouse becomes ill and cannot work and those medical bills pile up . . . I'd think long and hard before making a choice to stay home. It got boring and lonely with kids in the mix, without the distractions of their needs and schedules I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't enjoy being home very long.

 

[erin1715]

I think all of the responses just shows that it really depends on the person. I have multiple friends who left work to stay home and they LOVE it and don't want to go back. My mom stayed home with my brother and myself, though once we were in school she took a job in the school cafeteria so her schedule would be the same as ours. She's currently early 60s and works two jobs, but she says she has no regrets about staying home with us and would do it all over again. She's a hard worker. So I can see how some people may be bored, and others would love it.

I happen to be a person who enjoys the company of a very limited amount of people lol, so I'm fairly certain I would be fine staying home. But like I said, this is more of a pipe dream. I don't currently have plans to leave my job.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

This is a topic that I've thought about on and off for years. I always had imagined I would be a stay-at-home mom, and that was my heart's desire.

But as we know, life sometimes has other plans, and so far we haven't been able to have children. Regardless, I think I would just love to be a housewife. I like the traditional roles of husband/wife and I think I would be perfectly happy taking care of the home and volunteering at our church, while my husband works. And my husband would support me in that venture.

But I just can't bring myself to do it. I have a stable job with good benefits that I've been at over 10 years now. It would seem foolish to leave that on the table, and I likely won't ever do it unless we have children. With our two incomes combined, we are able to travel and pretty much buy what we want, but I'm in no way passionate about my office job and wouldn't miss it. I also feel like I would be incredibly judged by people. The first question someone asks when you meet them, "so what do you do?" I already get some pretty awful replies when I tell people I'm a secretary (although we do way more than that title implies), so I cannot imagine what they would say if I told them I don't work, and we don't have children. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I think I'd even get some derogatory remarks from family.

Just something I've thought about a bit and wondering how many others have thought about it or are actually living it. And do you feel like people are supportive?

Sort of. I was working when we married. We had 2 kids right away, and I was still making money, even with two in child care. Then, we had another. It was going to take my whole paycheck to have 3 kids in childcare. And we felt there was no point in me working, if the only reason I was working was to pay for child care, which I wouldn't need if I wasn't working.

Not that I hated my job, or even had a disliking for it. I loved my job, but it just didn't make sense for me to keep working. We did fine with only one income and I never went back. Now I'm old enough to be retired.

 

[HarperLeigh]

I've seen too many struggle so hard to get back into the workforce, generally in very low wage, unappreciated and unfulfilling jobs that they had to take because their backs were against the wall because life threw them a curveball to say, sure, it's a good idea to leave the job and stay home. I did SAHM while my children were young. It had its rewards. It also took a real toll on me. It is very isolating, even if you do volunteer at school, church, lead a scout troop, etc.

I dabbled in a few part-time gigs here and there along the way. I was very fortunate in that they presented themselves to me via different personal connections. If they had not, I'm not sure what I would have rustled up if I had been in a position where I needed to find something. I've also been truly fortunate that things fell into place in very unexpected ways when I rejoined work full-time, with one of my part-time gigs developing into a very unique opportunity wherein I am able to independently contract in a position that fits totally within the needs and budget constraints where I work. Of course that also means that I have no benefits associated with my employment, which would not work for a lot of people, and could turn out to be an unfortunate choice for me in the future.

A marriage ends very shockingly, a spouse's job ends with little notice and no prospects on the horizon, you become ill and medical bills swamp you, your spouse becomes ill and cannot work and those medical bills pile up . . . I'd think long and hard before making a choice to stay home. It got boring and lonely with kids in the mix, without the distractions of their needs and schedules I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't enjoy being home very long.

Erin, this is exactly the kind of less than supportive things I've encountered in my life and what I was referring to in my earlier post.

 

[amberpi]

I'm shocked so many people have a position on this and not first dates...

My ex tried to get to me to stay at home...ah, no. Not for me.

ETA: I can retire and hang it up anytime at 37. I'm rejoining the world now after pretty much a forced year off (I did one small engagement) and can't wait to find the next perfect corporate fit. Of course, I've never had an interest in kids.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think all of the responses just shows that it really depends on the person. I have multiple friends who left work to stay home and they LOVE it and don't want to go back. My mom stayed home with my brother and myself, though once we were in school she took a job in the school cafeteria so her schedule would be the same as ours. She's currently early 60s and works two jobs, but she says she has no regrets about staying home with us and would do it all over again. She's a hard worker. So I can see how some people may be bored, and others would love it.

I happen to be a person who enjoys the company of a very limited amount of people lol, so I'm fairly certain I would be fine staying home. But like I said, this is more of a pipe dream. I don't currently have plans to leave my job.

It absolutely does depend upon the person. Simply because I recommend against it doesn't mean I would "judge" anybody for choosing to do so. I merely provided some perspective from my experiences as food for thought for someone considering a change. IMO if I'm mulling an idea it helps to have other viewpoints to consider in case it brings up something I didn't think of.

I also think sometimes a choice like this can be impacted by where you live. I live in Michigan. Sometimes winters can seem soooo loooong and the ability to spend time outdoors very short. If I lived in a place where it was nice weather to go to the park another 8 weeks or so a year, that might have made my situation a bit different.

For what it's worth, I'm also someone who needs a significant amount of alone time. I love my family and friends, but I need regular solitude. Being a SAHM left me feeling isolated and lonely.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Erin, this is exactly the kind of less than supportive things I've encountered in my life and what I was referring to in my earlier post.

Wow that was rude! The poster just gave a different perspective not being unsupportive.
I absolutely agree with cabanafrau actually. My marriage ended very suddenly while I was a SAHW and part time student and it was not fun.
OP no one can make this decision besides you and your spouse. As long as it works financially for you and your spouse is willing then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Try it for a year and if you don't like it you should be able to get back into the workforce easily.

 

[cabanafrau]

Erin, this is exactly the kind of less than supportive things I've encountered in my life and what I was referring to in my earlier post.

So sorry, I seem to have left home without my pom poms today.

Less than supportive because I gave my experience?

PSA, anybody who's considering a move to be closer to Disney -- I'm sure it's fabulous for everyone!

 

[BadPinkTink]

@erin1715 there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I too am an independent person and I adore my solo trips to Disneyland California and Disneyland Paris. Social isolation loneliness is whole other ballgame. Have you every asked the SAHM you know or your mom about being lonely, about missing adult conversations? Yes I agree SAHM can be very rewarding and some people are just made to be SAHM. One of my friends is, she currently has 2 under 3 years of age. Ever since I have known her all she has wanted is babies and just to be a mom. Anther friend who has 3 under 5 years old finds it tough going and really wants to get back to employment but cant.

Like I said and I know a PP alluded to it, some people can be very judgemental and think that its great you can spend 4 hours in Starbucks reading a book if you want, but that person reading a book in Starbucks may be there cos they have literally nothing else to do or no one else to talk to or no where else to go as everyone they know is at work

 

[piccolopat]

When DH and I got married 40 years ago, we hoped that I could be a SAHM for some time after we had kids. I wanted to make sure I had established a career that could support the family just in case and so we waited a few years before starting our family. Shortly after DD was born, DH got hurt on the job and was retired on disability and so I became the breadwinner. I was glad I was able to step into that role and have enjoyed my career since then. I will retire next year and it will be a big change going from a commuting professional to a SAHW.

The decision to stay at home is something that each family has to make based on their own needs. Those decisions should be respected and people should not judge others that make decisions different than their own. With that said, I strongly believe that every adult should be able to support themselves because the future is never guaranteed. Marriages break up, people become disabled, partners die. It is an unfortunate fact of life but one that can be less painful if a person is prepared to move forward without the financial support of someone else. Life insurance can be a part of the solution but job skills are important. I would encourage all SAHMs and SAHDs to develop and maintain marketable skills in case life hands you a basket of lemons. If you are lucky and don't need them, those skills can serve you well in managing your family, volunteering in your community or pursuing whatever passions you have.

 

[soccerdad72]

I'm shocked so many people have a position on this and not first dates...

I'm not. The overall demographics of the site tends to lean toward long term married folks - people who have been long enough to have little recollection of first dates (myself included).

OP - the only advice I can give is to develop thick skin one way or the other. Everyone's going to have opinions and comments and many of them might not be very kind or politically correct. I've been a SAHD and I got my share of comments, but if you're comfortable with the decision you made, it doesn't matter what others say.

 

[la79al]

First of all, change your title from secretary to administrative assistant. Second of all, I have been a SAHM for over 9 years now. Before that, I took off summers to be a part time SAHM. Honestly, I think I would be terribly bored if I didn't have a million things to do with the kids. Our youngest is now 2 and while I love staying home with her, I'm kind of anxious for her to start school so I can go out and get at least a part time job. I need more grown up interaction than I currently get and I am looking forward to getting a paycheck so we are able to do more as a family. People are going to have opinions regardless of what you do. And for whatever reason, most people feel the need to share their opinions way too much. If you want to quit, tell people that XYZ (wherever you volunteer at) needed you more than your job. Or you needed the flexibility of working from home so you could travel more. Or whatever. The more important you make staying at home sound, hopefully the fewer opinions you will be forced to endure.

 

[quandrea]

I've seen too many struggle so hard to get back into the workforce, generally in very low wage, unappreciated and unfulfilling jobs that they had to take because their backs were against the wall because life threw them a curveball to say, sure, it's a good idea to leave the job and stay home. I did SAHM while my children were young. It had its rewards. It also took a real toll on me. It is very isolating, even if you do volunteer at school, church, lead a scout troop, etc.

I dabbled in a few part-time gigs here and there along the way. I was very fortunate in that they presented themselves to me via different personal connections. If they had not, I'm not sure what I would have rustled up if I had been in a position where I needed to find something. I've also been truly fortunate that things fell into place in very unexpected ways when I rejoined work full-time, with one of my part-time gigs developing into a very unique opportunity wherein I am able to independently contract in a position that fits totally within the needs and budget constraints where I work. Of course that also means that I have no benefits associated with my employment, which would not work for a lot of people, and could turn out to be an unfortunate choice for me in the future.

A marriage ends very shockingly, a spouse's job ends with little notice and no prospects on the horizon, you become ill and medical bills swamp you, your spouse becomes ill and cannot work and those medical bills pile up . . . I'd think long and hard before making a choice to stay home. It got boring and lonely with kids in the mix, without the distractions of their needs and schedules I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't enjoy being home very long.

I see many posters cite failing marriages, illness, job loss, death of the spouse as reasons to stay in the workforce. I'm not sure letting fear of what might happen should dictate the choices we make for the lives we lead. My number one priority when becoming a parent was to be home with my kids--no nannies, no daycare, just dh and myself raising them. I remember just before dd was born, we found a fancier house. I told my dh that if buying the house meant my returning to work that I'd pass. I was, and am willing to assume significant sacrifice in order to be home.

Had I let fear drive my decisions, I would have denied a very basic system of values that I hold. Could bad things happen to our family? Of course. We do our best to plan financially. I figure if the worst happened, I'd have to sell the house, make big lifestyle changes, maybe have to find work of some kind. I have faith in my toughness though. I'd be okay.

If I carried the logic of fear driving my decisions even further, I would have never married--bad things could happen. Why open myself to that pain? Absurd. In life, you make a decision, leap and deal with things as they come.

As for failing marriages--it makes me sad that so many feel a need to "hedge their bets" for fear that a marriage will end. Probably just a commentary on our society today. Dh and I entered marriage knowing that death was the only way out. We chose each other carefully. We live our vows every day.

Now if I'd never had kids, I would have kept working--probably half time so I could support dh in his business. That would have been a perfect balance. Once we were established financially, I probably would have gone into tutoring exclusively. More rewarding and less politics than the classroom. So to the op, maybe find something you like and go part time. Your life will be your own but you will have purposeful work that fulfills you.

 

[DawnM]

I will be honest. I regret not working for 10 years and staying home. It really messed up my retirement.

 

[CdnCarrie]

As for failing marriages--it makes me sad that so many feel a need to "hedge their bets" for fear that a marriage will end. Probably just a commentary on our society today. Dh and I entered marriage knowing that death was the only way out. We chose each other carefully. We live our vows every day.

Please don't insinuate that people who are divorced didn't enter marriage thinking the same way you did. I for sure did. No way did I ever imagine myself divorced. I lived my vows everyday. Kind of preachy and sanctimonious there.
But for those of us who have had life through us a curve ball we are realistic.

 

[quandrea]

Please don't insinuate that people who are divorced didn't enter marriage thinking the same way you did. I for sure did. No way did I ever imagine myself divorced. I lived my vows everyday. Kind of preachy and sanctimonious there.
But for those of us who have had life through us a curve ball we are realistic.

Not trying to be preachy. It takes two to make the marriage. Unfortunately, one partner doesn't always hold up his or her end of the bargain. I'm sure you lived your vows every day. I'm sorry that curve ball was thrown your way and I'm sorry if I offended. Not my intention.

 

[amberpi]

Not trying to be preachy. It takes two to make the marriage. Unfortunately, one partner doesn't always hold up his or her end of the bargain. I'm sure you lived your vows every day. I'm sorry that curve ball was thrown your way and I'm sorry if I offended. Not my intention.

Yeah, for anyone who's been mistreated in a relationship, your words are hard to read. Maybe you should consider that in the future

ETA: I'm grateful everyday I always had myself and my own skills/resources to fall back on.

 

[cabanafrau]

I see many posters cite failing marriages, illness, job loss, death of the spouse as reasons to stay in the workforce. I'm not sure letting fear of what might happen should dictate the choices we make for the lives we lead. My number one priority when becoming a parent was to be home with my kids--no nannies, no daycare, just dh and myself raising them. I remember just before dd was born, we found a fancier house. I told my dh that if buying the house meant my returning to work that I'd pass. I was, and am willing to assume significant sacrifice in order to be home.

Had I let fear drive my decisions, I would have denied a very basic system of values that I hold. Could bad things happen to our family? Of course. We do our best to plan financially. I figure if the worst happened, I'd have to sell the house, make big lifestyle changes, maybe have to find work of some kind. I have faith in my toughness though. I'd be okay.

If I carried the logic of fear driving my decisions even further, I would have never married--bad things could happen. Why open myself to that pain? Absurd. In life, you make a decision, leap and deal with things as they come.

As for failing marriages--it makes me sad that so many feel a need to "hedge their bets" for fear that a marriage will end. Probably just a commentary on our society today. Dh and I entered marriage knowing that death was the only way out. We chose each other carefully. We live our vows every day.

Now if I'd never had kids, I would have kept working--probably half time so I could support dh in his business. That would have been a perfect balance. Once we were established financially, I probably would have gone into tutoring exclusively. More rewarding and less politics than the classroom. So to the op, maybe find something you like and go part time. Your life will be your own but you will have purposeful work that fulfills you.

I'm sure you're right, I should have done the SAHM thing properly and given my kids my full attention and showed them good values, something kids with two working parents have no hope of. I guess maybe I should have gone into my marriage more deliberately, too. It's only heading on 30 years now, probably gonna fall apart any day. Good thing it didn't collapse when i was mucking about all those years of co-op preschool, teaching Sunday School, volunteering at school, being a GS leader, helping run VBS, etc.

Absolutely, stay at home is the ONLY way to do it. How did I not see this before?

 

[Christine]

In regard to the derogatory remarks, one example of a kind of slighted remark was this:

We were eating at Cape May Cafe this summer and a man probably in his 50s just happened to strike up a conversation with me and asked what I do and I told him I was a secretary. His response - "ooohh....well, they are needed too, although with everything becoming automated lately, those jobs are dying out." I'm probably paraphrasing that last part but it was along those lines of being replaced by technology. The man obviously has no clue because I agree that secretaries run the offices! Of course you never think of a good come back until you sit down and think about it later!

Anyway, yeah regarding the above, I'm not passionate about my work at all. If it was something I cared about and felt I was making a difference then perhaps I would want to stay. I can't see myself leaving my job anyway but it's nice to daydream. Maybe some day....

I probably wouldn't have taken that a funny way because that may be his perspective. I used to be a secretary. I then got out of that into a financial position. The organization where I work had secretaries up until about 20 years ago. Those positions have all been phased out and everyone does their own admin, scheduling, type work. The guy you spoke to was spot on with regards to where I work.

 

[Magpie]

Reading some of these responses, I can't take a side.

Of course marriages fail. Of course it's impossible to predict the future. It's also impossible to read people's minds.

Should we always hedge our bets and prepare for the worst...?

Here's the thing, my husband is a "worst case scenario" kind of guy. He's a planner. He makes spreadsheets of our budget, going five years out ahead, or more. He goes around saying things like, "Belt AND suspenders!" and, "Prepare for the worst, be pleasantly surprised when it turns out best."

So, yes, being a househusband would never have been in the cards for him. It's simply not in his personality. He would feel isolated, trapped, bored and anxious about the future, if he was ever to try keeping house while I worked to support us both. He definitely would not have enjoyed raising the kids, despite loving them both very much.

Me? I'm very much his opposite. I say things like, "Don't borrow trouble," and "Ok, this is bad. How can we fix this?" Before we got together, I was living from paycheck to paycheck, and content as could be. When he took me to the store to pick out an engagement ring, I chose a cheap birthstone ring instead (and I'm still wearing it). When I showed it to my mother (who is another planner-type), her reaction was, "But, what are you going to pawn when he leaves you with three kids!?"

I told her what I've told him, a million times, "I'll worry about it when it happens."

So, yes, I stayed home with my kids, and I'm still at home now. I've barely ever held a "real" job in my life. I could absolutely end up in dire straits if my husband left me, but, you know what? I'm not worried. It's not in my character. I have enjoyed the most amazingly fantastic, happy, joyful 25 years, and I wouldn't give any of it away for all the "security" in the world.

This life suits me perfectly. It suits my husband, too. But we could not trade roles. What's right for me, would not be right for him.

We shouldn't judge people as being stupid or foolish or unwise, just because they take what seems to us to be a risky path through life. And if we DO take that path, we shouldn't be judging people who've chosen to be more cautious. There's no right or wrong here. It's just a matter of personality. I'm darn lucky my husband is the person he is, and he says he's darn lucky to have me in his life.

As for what I tell people... I tell them all sorts of things. I was a home schooler. A housewife. For awhile, when I was writing a novel, I told them I was a writer. Sometimes I make and sell crafts. These days I'm tutoring a handful of kids in reading, science and math, so that's what I tell people. There's so much I'm interested in, and so much to talk about, that I can't actually think of any times when people have overtly looked down on me for not having proper paid employment.