Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[Grmnshplvr]

I would be very uncomfortable with this arrangement. I need to have my own paycheck, but YOU have to do whats right for you. Who cares what any one else thinks.

Not saying that this would happen for any one else but a friend of mom was a SAHM for 14 years, in the last year found herself divorced with no job experience and no income.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

No, and neither is my wife. But, she would be if we could afford that option.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

Not a stay at home wife, but my DH is a stay at home dad (and I'm a secretary ). We have four children and now that the youngest is 10, the comments from people are getting more rude. I can't imagine what the comments would be if we didn't have children. But when people make rude comments, I'm quick to let them know that this is what works for OUR family.

You have to decide what works best for YOUR family. If your DH is on board with you being home and you're not struggling financially, give it a try. The worst that can happen is that you decide it's not for you and you go back to work, perhaps at a more fulfilling job.

 

[jdb in AZ]

In regard to the derogatory remarks, one example of a kind of slighted remark was this:

We were eating at Cape May Cafe this summer and a man probably in his 50s just happened to strike up a conversation with me and asked what I do and I told him I was a secretary. His response - "ooohh....well, they are needed too, although with everything becoming automated lately, those jobs are dying out." I'm probably paraphrasing that last part but it was along those lines of being replaced by technology. The man obviously has no clue because I agree that secretaries run the offices! Of course you never think of a good come back until you sit down and think about it later!

Anyway, yeah regarding the above, I'm not passionate about my work at all. If it was something I cared about and felt I was making a difference then perhaps I would want to stay. I can't see myself leaving my job anyway but it's nice to daydream. Maybe some day....

Former secretary here. Even my boss didn't realize (or refused to admit) that I ran the office.

In his early career (fresh out of law school) DH was a public defender and one of my coworkers commented, "I guess somebody has to do it." Even "professional" people have to put up with occasional derogatory comments. DH has been known to say that "Law is as old as the world's oldest profession, and just as honorable."

 

[PollyannaMom]

The people who will judge you are only doing so because they wish they had that option! (Those who are happy without heir own situation, even if it's different, won't be judging.)

My only child is 16, and I'm sure many people I know secretly wonder what I'm still doing working part time. But it makes the most sense for my family. Do what you feel will give you the home and lifestyle that you're comfortable with.

 

[BadPinkTink]

it sounds to me you are needing at change and the stay at home idea is just the most obvious to you BUT why cant you change jobs??? You like the lifestyle a second income enables you to have and you are used to having structure in your day and the self esteem and self confidence, and the social aspects of being in employment. The skills you have as a secretary are very transferable and not just the obvious switch to a sectary position in a different company.
Im guessing you have experience in
typing
database
inbound and outbound telephone calls
office management
Microsoft suite - word, excel and outlook

with that set of skills you can basically get most office based jobs. For example a client of mine recently hired a person for their financial department, for the accounts payable department. The lady they hired was a stay at home mom who wanted to get back into employment. She had done some secretarial work before, but had been a SAHM for the last 7 years. She was got on the job training by the financial controller for the company policies and procedures which are specific to every company. Her job is basically getting a list from the company data base every day of which accounts are over due payment, then ringing those customers and getting payments.

A job like that would be very easy for you to get

 

[bethy]

I have been a SAHM for 16 years and will be for at least as long as I have a kid at home - which is another 12 years. I don't foresee myself ever going back to work unless something major changes.

Besides my DH, mom and MIL, I don't find that people are supportive at all of my choices - it's annoying. I never ever ever think or say anything negative about women who work outside the home. I completely respect their decisions and for doing what is right for their families.

I'm just glad women have more choices than they used to in past generations.

 

[Adelle Dazeem]

There is NO SHAME in being a secretary - although the more modern term is administrative professional. I am the admin for a team of doctors at a well known university/hospital. The doctors I work with are incredibly smart (stem cell technologies)...but many of them couldn't make it through the day if I wasn't here to direct them. They are not particularly "office technology savvy" and can never manage to sync their schedules without assistance. I love my work and my doctors would be furious if anyone referred to me as "just a secretary". They value me and the work I do.

 

[DLgal]

This might be one of those "grass is always greener" scenarios. There are a lot of things to consider. Full disclosure, I'm a stay at home mom, for the past 13 years. I worked prior to having kids, but the plan was always for me to quit and be home with the kids. We are a military family, so having some sort of stable home life was EXTREMELY important for us, as well as knowing how difficult it would be to actually pursue a career with the frequent relocation of military life. We have two kids, and both have special needs (which you never think about ahead of time, but when it happens, it changes everything). It is a good thing we had planned for me to stay home, because in the early years of therapies, doctor's appointments, etc., it would have been impossible for me to work.

However, now that the kids are preteens/teenagers, I have become very, VERY bored at home while they are in school all day. I am getting stir crazy, honestly. However, they still need me home after school and before school, and for various reasons relating to their issues (autism), before/after school care is not an option, and hiring help would be counterproductive, financially. So, I'm basically "stuck" as a SAHM for a few more years. And, it kind of sucks. I miss talking to adults. I miss feeling like I am contributing financially as well as having something that is "mine."

I worry about the future if something happens to my husband. Sure, we have plenty of insurance, but I honestly don't know how I would support our family if he passed away. And that terrifies me.

Now, take the kids out of the scenario. I think I might have enjoyed being a stay at home wife for all of a month before the boredom hit. Even with volunteering, I don't think it would be enough mental stimulation. Not to mention, finances have a way of creeping into the picture when only one person is supporting the household. My husband is FULLY supportive of me being a SAHM, but every once in awhile, he says things like "my money", "I paid for that", etc. And, frankly, I resent that. However, I simply remind him that *I* have made equally important contributions to our family by committing myself 100% to the kids and running EVERYTHING in our household so that he could do his military job without worrying about anything (literally: the bills, the house upkeep, car upkeep, all the shopping, cleaning, doctors's appointments, cooking, etc.)

Then, there is the issue of long term finances, and the possibility that your husband will pass away or become disabled, leaving you to support you both. My uncle was a doctor for almost 30 years. His wife was a SAHM, then Stay at home Wife after the kids went to college. A few years ago, at the age of 55, he was diagnosed with an incredibly rare (less than 30 cases worldwide) autoimmune disease that ravaged his brain. He developed seizures that caused extensive brain damage. He almost died. As a result, he lost a huge amount of his long term and short term memory, has to be on high dose steroids for the rest of his life, and has lost control of the emotion center of his brain. He had to stop practicing medicine and hand in his license. It has been devastating. Anything can happen. My aunt has no marketable skills. They are living off disability insurance payments (thankfully they had that), but their lifestyle took a HUGE hit, as you can imagine.

If you really think you would be happy, and your husband would support it, try it out. However, I would encourage you to at least maintain SOME sort of part time job, in addition to volunteering. Having a huge gap in your resume looks BAD, and will make you less marketable in the future. Also, social security might be an issue...you have to work a certain number of years making a minimum amount of money to qualify for benefits at retirement. I know social security might not exist as we know it, in the future, but you also don't want to purposely leave yourself with no benefits if you can help it.

 

[scrapquitler]

My husband works 70-100 h per week as well. He couldn't do that if he didn't have back up at home. My being home has freed him up to take his business as far as possible. We don't have a life where he'd be available to do daycare pick ups or runs to the extra curricular activities. If I wasn't home it would limit the success of his work.

This is the same kind of situation as mine. My husband runs his own business and works at least 70 hours a week. If I had a job, we would have had to hire a nanny to run the kids around and help with homework, etc. If we did that, any money I made would go right back out the door, so why bother? Instead I stay home and take the stress of all the household stuff off my husband, I help him with paperwork and small things for his business no I keep home as peaceful as possible for everyone.

For a while I did have a part time job, but it meant that the kids didn't get the attention they needed and my older one had to watch her brother (6 years younger than her) more often than we were comfortable with, so I quit.

 

[lovin'fl]

Been married 21 years, right out of college. Our youngest, twins, are in college this year. I have mostly been a stay at home mom and am currently still. Worked a total of maybe 6 years but pretty part time and not since 2008. I wanted to be home and present with raising kids. DH makes decent money and I have taken care of most everything domestically so he could build his career. But he has still not been supportive of me not working. He was most supportive when we had three littles that would have cost more in daycare than I'd have made....though even then he seemed to still want me working. It's like he is bitter about working so hard at his career and thinks I was just having fun party times.

I must admit, now, I am not doing much at all and I do need to get a job or something. Not only are all our kids off in college but we downsized our house to a 1900 sf townhome that the HOA does all yardwork for us. So no more mulching or cleaning gutters on top of cleaning 3000 sf house , doing laundry for five and running kids around to activities. There is only so many times I can rearrange the pantry or vacuum out my car.

So I could get a job and it likely won't be anything spectacular due to being so out of the loop for years. Well, I never actually used my college degree and so it would be more of the same minor type jobs I've done before....receptionist, store clerk, preschool assistant teacher....
But we don't NEED it. I also feel odd telling folks I am a stay at home....now that the kids are all gone. So I guess I will get a fun part time job at a place where I can use the discount, a store I shop at, and then I'd say I work there to have some time out of a boring empty house or time apart from DH ( which IS needed, LOL).

 

[holden]

I never regretted leaving my job to be a stay-at-home mom. My days are so busy, I can't imagine how I'd get everything done if I worked outside the home.

 

[BadPinkTink]

This might be one of those "grass is always greener" scenarios.

However, now that the kids are preteens/teenagers, I have become very, VERY bored at home while they are in school all day. I am getting stir crazy, honestly. However, they still need me home after school and before school, and for various reasons relating to their issues (autism), before/after school care is not an option, and hiring help would be counterproductive, financially. So, I'm basically "stuck" as a SAHM for a few more years. And, it kind of sucks. I miss talking to adults. I miss feeling like I am contributing financially as well as having something that is "mine."
.

^^^^^^ THIS

Its called social isolation and is more commonly associated with elderly who live on thier own BUT people dont realise other types of people suffer from it aswell.

I moved back to my familys home and became unemployed after living out of the area for about 20 years. The social isolation and lack of independence, both financially and other can at times be very debilitating. Having worked and been a very social person, the lack of structure to my day, the lack of social interaction was very very hard. People think oh its well for you, you you dont have to get out of bed in the morning BUT the novelty wears off after a while. Why do you think places like McDonalds are full of people sitting for hours, reading a newspaper and drinking coffee?? Its cos literally they would have no other social interaction. When I was unemployed, I could go days without using my vocal cords.

To get out of the house I volunteered with a charity 2 days a week. I worked in their head office and while yes it gave me the feeling of having a job, there was always the feeling that I was not part of the team. Maybe it was just this particular charity, but being just a volunteer and not an employee I was very much on the outside

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Do what works for you and your dh. I will be very honest here - I have worked the entire time I have had kids and 99% of the time it has been full time. I have been judgy of SAHM's in the past and it was because I was incredibly jealous that they were able to stay home and I wasn't. I wanted to be a sahm but we couldn't afford it (or maybe we could I am just a bad budgeter). Heck my last kid just graduated HS and I still wanna be a SAHM! Mostly because my job is boring (I am kind of a secretary to my director but my job is broader than that). I hate the title secretary and that is usually what my dh says I am and then I correct him because it's such an outdated title. Anyway - do what makes you happy and who cares what anyone else thinks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[erin1715]

I'm not fond of the title secretary either, and while it is mostly an outdated term and instead administrative professional is used, I happen to work for the state where the title is literally Secretary. And they have separate jobs that are titled administrative assistant. Of course, both of those jobs overlap, but it all depends on what union you're in as to what title you have.

 

[Klayfish]

yes, but some people are believers in the stay at home role, and there is no shame in that either. It is ok if you want to be a stay at home wife, if that works for your family. Just like it is ok to work out of the home if THAT works for your family. Neither side should look down on the other since everyone is different.

My dh was military, and I stopped working right before 1st ds was born. He just left for college! I needed and wanted to be home. I still do. i love my life and feel so thankful I got to do what loved! It was perfect for me and for us.

Follow your heart!

Fantastic, I never said anything about there being shame in staying at home. In fact, I said she should do what works for her. She did mention that she really likes her job, hence my comment about staying if she wants. And just like some are believers in stay at home, which is perfectly fine to believe, there's also nothing wrong with someone who doesn't believe in it. It's a personal decision. My only comment was that DW and I don't believe in that, but that's just our family. If it works for someone else and their family, then that's what they should do.

 

[dish rag]

Every woman is a working woman.

Thought that was a given. Sorry.

 

[erin1715]

Fantastic, I never said anything about there being shame in staying at home. In fact, I said she should do what works for her. She did mention that she really likes her job, hence my comment about staying if she wants. And just like some are believers in stay at home, which is perfectly fine to believe, there's also nothing wrong with someone who doesn't believe in it. It's a personal decision. My only comment was that DW and I don't believe in that, but that's just our family. If it works for someone else and their family, then that's what they should do.

Just to clarify as the OP, I believe I said I didn't care for my job - I had to go back and re-read it to be sure I didn't misspeak! No worries though, Klayfish - all good

 

[RangerPooh]

Nope. I work outside the home. I spent too much money on a college education that I want to use. While it would be nice to be able to help out at my kids schools, attend school functions, occasionally eat lunch with them, and have a tidy house to come home to, I enjoy having two incomes more.

I realize that this sounds rude, but it's really how DH and I see things. We considered me being a SAHM when we relocated here, but ultimately it wasn't something that I wanted to do long term. Plus we missed having two incomes and the lifestyle that it afforded us.

 

[Realfoodfans]

I (wrongly) left my job after DD was born. Within months I felt I'd made a terrible mistake. I went back doing temporary contracts in the same industry- eventually forming my own company so I got the full pay without an agent taking a share. After DS was started in nursery I was approached to take on a permanent role back in the (very large) company and I never looked back. In my case it was a life saver as after 24 years of marriage we divorced- I couldn't have done that without my independent income.
My DD is a stay at home mum for 2 reasons firstly DGS special needs - appointments and meetings could not be fitted around her hospital job. Secondly her husband has his own company and is away abroad at least 3/4 times a month so not able to offer any support in the home or childcare.
I worry for her going forward - isolation and financially reliant. We never know what the future will bring but she considers herself very fortunate not to have to go out to work at this time and as long as both sides are happy that's the main thing.
I hope you make the right choice for you.