Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[mousefan73]

I also think that part time employment needs to be something our society values more. I believe more people (male and female) would choose this option, especially during prime time intensive parenting years, if more viable options were available along with proportionate benefits. In my career there have been part time options available, so I did that for 10 years. DH has never had a part time option in his career. I'm repeating myself from earlier, but if there were 3/4 time options available to us DH and I would probably both be doing that. We can make it one one income, we can do fine both working, but we are simply happiest at 1 1/2 jobs in our family.

We know that because we've tried all the ways. (in my adult life I have worked full time 15 years, some prior to kids, some while their college was the impetus, not worked at all for 9 years while kids were preschool, and part time for 10 years during the kid's school years. Now I'm home again - early retirement - and looking for part time.)

this is where the US is so far behind. I work in Germany and for 8 years was able to Keep my professional Job at only 50 percent.. We have soooo many different part-time models.. some work 60% others 80%... 80% is one day off a week. A couple both work here and both spouses work 80%.. Giving 2 days off total in the week to Balance caring for Kids and home. In the US, you either quit or do retail if you want part-time..

 

[Hikergirl]

And I am not looking for praise for what I do for DH, or volunteer work, or how clean my house is (heck, we had a housekeeper for a bit and if I could find one in the area now I would have one again!) or anyhting else. Then again, it would be nice not to be looked own upon for my lack of an income in my name, or have everyone imaigne that I must jsut be lazy if my contributions to my family and society at large are not within the realm of a paid job. I just jumped into this thread to answer the OP's question about what people who "stay home" do and how their days pan out.

This exactly.

 

[Magpie]

I see a lot of SAHM replying on this thread, but it was really directed to stay at home spouses without kids and if they get supported or judged. From people I know and see, a SAHM is less likely to get judged or questioned about "what do you do all day" than a stay at home spouse with no kids. I also think SAHM (or dads) are more common than stay at home spouses with no kids (at least where I live).

I don't know, I've noticed quite a few SAH spouses whose kids are grown and/or don't have kids replying (including myself).

And everyone else's contributions to the thread have been valuable, too, even if they happen to be working outside the home, or looking after kids within it, or both.

You're right though, "Home with the kids" is definitely a more socially respectable thing than, "Housewife/Trophy wife".

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't know, I've noticed quite a few SAH spouses whose kids are grown and/or don't have kids replying (including myself).

And everyone else's contributions to the thread have been valuable, too, even if they happen to be working outside the home, or looking after kids within it, or both.

You're right though, "Home with the kids" is definitely a more socially respectable thing than, "Housewife/Trophy wife".

Yes, answering "what do you do" with "I am an at home parent" is fairly socially acceptable. It's harder when teh parent part goes away. I have been answering with "corporate wife" more and more often. No one is quite sure what that is, but it is short and sounds like maybe something and seems to create less of an akward pause

 

[Magpie]

Yes, answering "what do you do" with "I am an at home parent" is fairly socially acceptable. It's harder when teh parent part goes away. I have been answering with "corporate wife" more and more often. No one is quite sure what that is, but it is short and sounds like maybe something and seems to create less of an akward pause

I've got just about three years to go, and then the answer will be, "We're retired!"

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm a SAHM to 2 in highschool and one in college. On the socially respected meter that falls somewhere between SAHM to young kids and SAH Spouse. I already see the judgment now so I can only imagine it will get worse as my youngest makes his way though HS.

 

[tzolkin]

I'm a SAHM to 2 in highschool and one in college. On the socially respected meter that falls somewhere between SAHM to young kids and SAH Spouse. I already see the judgment now so I can only imagine it will get worse as my youngest makes his way though HS.

My kids are now about the same ages as yours, so I understand.

When we moved several years ago we decided that I would not work at least for a while. My younger two were still in elementary school, but I was already feeling the judgment... "I just don't understand what stay-at-home moms can possibly be doing once the kids are all school aged" and "don't you get bored/ must be nice to just sit around the house all day"

 

[punkin]

As a newly minted SAHW, I think I'll comment on what my week has been like since my children are all out of the house. I don't volunteer and I'm a horrible cleaner (I actually do a good job cleaning, but hate it). My past life revolved around my children's activities mostly. So this week (let's say Wednesday to Wednesday) I deep cleaned 2 rooms and a bathroom (they badly needed cleaning). I helped my niece write a resume. I helped my DD18 cook dinner for a club in college (via facetime). I edited a short essay. I sent out two packages to college children who forgot things at home. I took care of some medical stuff for the two youngest (still not done with that). Drove to where DD24 lives to go see florist, photographer for her upcoming wedding. Stayed overnight. Drove home. Had dinner ready every night I was home, with planned leftovers. Did grocery shopping. Started organizing my linen closet. Ironed tablecloths while watching Maury. LOL. Spoke to my elderly aunt in California (this was a several-hours thing). Answered "I don't know" to at least 3 people who wanted to know what was going to do with my life now that the children are gone. BTW, I also had to field these kind of questions when my youngest started school. I actually got to sit on the couch with DH and watch an hour of mindless TV. That was actually kind of amazing. I still feel right now that I have more time than things to really do, but I am sure as time goes on, I will find ways to occupy myself.

People are judgmental. It's the way we are built. I'm sure people judge my life, just as I judge theirs. It's OK. I've been a working wife, a working mother, a stay at home mother, and now, a stay at home wife. I think every phase of my life has had its advantages and drawbacks. I always did what I felt was best for me and my family at the time I did it. I'm sure everyone else is doing the same.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm not a guy, but I don't think this is "the male mentality". Not based on the men I know and interact with, anyway.

Seems more like some sort of weird macho subculture.

That's it exactly. A toxic macho subculture that equates masculinity with sexual boasting and condemns genuine caring as feminine. DH went from driving trucks to construction, and while he's encountered that same attitude here and there in his current field it is a one-off thing that the more mature and family-oriented men roll their eyes at and walk away. When he was with the moving companies, it was this weird microcosm of the worst stereotypes of working class men, and I don't know if it is that the being away from home/being on the road is just more attractive to those types or what.

I see a lot of SAHM replying on this thread, but it was really directed to stay at home spouses without kids and if they get supported or judged. From people I know and see, a SAHM is less likely to get judged or questioned about "what do you do all day" than a stay at home spouse with no kids. I also think SAHM (or dads) are more common than stay at home spouses with no kids (at least where I live).

In my experience, that only holds until the kids start school. Parents who SAH past the time the youngest hits full-day schooling get the same questions about what they do all day, and the same judgments that seem to get leveled against anyone in our culture who prioritizes leisure or family time above earning potential.

And I am not looking for praise for what I do for DH, or volunteer work, or how clean my house is (heck, we had a housekeeper for a bit and if I could find one in the area now I would have one again!) or anyhting else. Then again, it would be nice not to be looked own upon for my lack of an income in my name, or have everyone imagine that I must just be lazy if my contributions to my family and society at large are not within the realm of a paid job. I just jumped into this thread to answer the OP's question about what people who "stay home" do and how their days pan out.

Exactly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Punkin, I really liked your post.
And, I am not judging, at all....

I can remember a time when a mother of three, one very special needs, had rattled off a list that made me exhausted just hearing it.... and seconds later, a working mom, who had a Nanny, in the very next breath, said something to the effect of "I just don't know what you do all day. I couldn't sit around with nothing to do" OMG!!!!!
People are so horrible and judgemental.

But, I have to think, after reading your post, and your description of how your days might go....
Every single thing you mentioned was a thing that you did, alone, for somebody else.
I wonder, what do you do for YOU....
Where are your interests, social life, etc...
Just rhetorical, of course... But that is what crossed my mind.

 

[punkin]

But, I have to think, after reading your post, and your description of how your days might go....
Every single thing you mentioned was a thing that you did, alone, for somebody else.
I wonder, what do you do for YOU....
Where are your interests, social life, etc...
Just rhetorical, of course... But that is what crossed my mind.

I honestly don't know...remember that this is only my first week as a SAHW. I do have things planned. DH has a business trip to NYC later this month. I'm planning to tag along and have lunch with friends and maybe see a show. He has a business trip planned to CA in October and I may or may not go. I'm having lunch today with a friend. And the cleaning and cooking and organizing I do for me. I'm a fabulous cook (no boast, I really am) and enjoy my own food and I prefer a clean house. I also enjoy helping my children and doing for them. That's for me too. And of course, it is really fun to plan a wedding.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't want to turn this into a discussion about gender roles, but FOR US this is the ideal situation. I agree, some people are not cut out for staying at home full time with young kids - I'm one of those people. My husband is much more suited to it. Now that all the kids are in school all day, he gets to reap the benefit of the more grueling days of babies and toddlers. Case in point - when I called him earlier he was out getting some sun and was ready to take his daily nap .

I always say, we are 100% a traditional family, just with the roles completely swapped....

Gender roles were definitely a factor for me. We have property & I handle cutting our 3 acres of yard, brush hogging 4 acres of pasture, cutting down trees, and other "guy" jobs that can't easily be accomplished with an 18-month in tow.

Cooking & cleaning were things I found not so difficult to accomplish under the circumstances, but it drove me nuts not being able to get any of the stuff done that only I do.

Now, if we were city people in an apartment or something low maintenance, my views probably would have been much different.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Fair enough. That's a big part of why I didn't want to be a working mom - because too often being a working mom means having basically two jobs, and I know my husband and his schedule well enough to know that would have been the case for us (whether I'm home or I'm working, he's got a 60-70 hour workweek and can't guarantee he'll be home at any particular time).

But at the same time, when working women say this I have two questions - One, why are you doing it all yourself if you're not single? And two, are you really doing it all? Because for most people, something has to give and usually that something is the volunteering and hobbies (IOW the parts of staying home that tend to be the most rewarding/fulfilling, rather than just repetitive chores).

I don't know many stay at homes truly "doing it all" either, to be fair. My mom stayed home for several years & once back teaching never held another job. My dad - also a teacher - ALWAYS had a Summer job and coaching duties during the school year. And even during Mom's off time, he was expected to help around the house.

Ditto for my wife & her summers off. I still cook, clean, run the kids here & there, grocery shop, and run errands.

At the end of the day, it still needs to be a partnership. And I think duties have to be shared, even if one is working long hours & the other has no "employer".

 

[DawnM]

I also think that part time employment needs to be something our society values more. I believe more people (male and female) would choose this option, especially during prime time intensive parenting years, if more viable options were available along with proportionate benefits. In my career there have been part time options available, so I did that for 10 years. DH has never had a part time option in his career. I'm repeating myself from earlier, but if there were 3/4 time options available to us DH and I would probably both be doing that. We can make it one one income, we can do fine both working, but we are simply happiest at 1 1/2 jobs in our family.

We know that because we've tried all the ways. (in my adult life I have worked full time 15 years, some prior to kids, some while their college was the impetus, not worked at all for 9 years while kids were preschool, and part time for 10 years during the kid's school years. Now I'm home again - early retirement - and looking for part time.)

We did this for about 4 years, until we couldn't anymore. We both worked 2/3 time essentially. I had full health insurance for the entire family for $0 cost as long as I worked 1/2 time, so I did, and DH cut his hours too.

Then his work went to a "you are either here full time or you don't have a job" and we had to make a decision. That was when we moved out of the higher cost of living area and I stayed home for 10 years. I only did that because I have a special needs son who wasn't getting what he needed at home. Otherwise I would have continued working full time.

I honestly regret not finding some other solution because it has really messed up my retirement. But I can't live in regret and he is so much better because I stayed home.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm a SAHM to 2 in highschool and one in college. On the socially respected meter that falls somewhere between SAHM to young kids and SAH Spouse. I already see the judgment now so I can only imagine it will get worse as my youngest makes his way though HS.

I am often asked "when are you going back to work?" No IF, when. The look given when the answer is -"probably never" is rarely kind
Luckily i have plenty of nicer people to actually spend time with

 

[Tattylou]

It is true that people will judge regardless - if you're a working parent, if you're a stay at home parent, if you're a stay at home spouses with no kids, ....there are people who would judge each of those roles and for their own reasons. There's always going to be someone with an opinion that may not be supportive...and luckily there are always going to be supportive people too. So, in the end it really is what works best for each individual couple, family, etc. I think we all can agree on that.

 

[punkin]

We did this for about 4 years, until we couldn't anymore. We both worked 2/3 time essentially. I had full health insurance for the entire family for $0 cost as long as I worked 1/2 time, so I did, and DH cut his hours too.

Then his work went to a "you are either here full time or you don't have a job" and we had to make a decision. That was when we moved out of the higher cost of living area and I stayed home for 10 years. I only did that because I have a special needs son who wasn't getting what he needed at home. Otherwise I would have continued working full time.

I honestly regret not finding some other solution because it has really messed up my retirement. But I can't live in regret and he is so much better because I stayed home.

I think having children with special needs is definitely a huge factor. There came a time in my life where it became obvious to me that if I did not stay home, my children would suffer. Mine are not technically "special needs" but they definitely have "issues" which we are still dealing with even though they are "adults." When I left work, DH and I were making pretty much the same amount of money,so it was a huge hit in the pocket book. Our retirement savings is lower than it would have been. Everything is a compromise.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Punkin.... You sound SO much like me!
Delicious and healthy foods mean a lot to me... And a nice clean home enviroment too!
Add in a kid, or kids, that can demand so much more time and focus...

You might not think that I do, based on my thoughts and questions... But I really do 'get it'!

 

[disykat]

I see a lot of SAHM replying on this thread, but it was really directed to stay at home spouses without kids and if they get supported or judged. From people I know and see, a SAHM is less likely to get judged or questioned about "what do you do all day" than a stay at home spouse with no kids. I also think SAHM (or dads) are more common than stay at home spouses with no kids (at least where I live).

There are a lot of us on this thread, though many of us were also SAHMs at one time. Though earlier in the thread it looked like someone thought me having a 22 year old in my home made me a SAHM not a stay at home spouse, so the definitions are definitely muddled.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I was a stay at home girlfriend for a few years; how's that for inviting judgement?

I'd supported myself independent of my parents from the age of 18, and my boyfriend and I spent the next decade working our tails off to make ends meet. By my late twenties, I'd worked my way into an awesome job where I was making an obscene amount of money -- a job that went out of business without warning literally overnight. So while I found myself unexpectedly unemployed, I was fortunate to have a hefty financial cushion and could take my time looking for the right job, as opposed to needing to take the first low paying employment that came along. I was actively looking, but I wasn't too stressed about needing to find something quickly, so I delved into some projects I'd never had the time for before, we did some traveling, and I was still contributing equally to the bills and expenses from my savings. (We still had separate finances at that point, but we had both alternated taking care of each other financially as the need arose throughout the years prior.) Even though I still intended to return to work, we found that we really enjoyed having more time together, having our evenings and weekends free to relax, etc. And I didn't miss working one bit.

Then, as it is infamous for doing, life threw me a curveball. I found myself in a health crisis that debilitated me physically and mentally. There were weeks on end that I couldn't get off the couch, let alone hold down a job. My medical issues took such a toll on me emotionally that talking about it was the last thing I wanted to do on those rare occasions where I felt well enough to leave the house and socialize, so only those very close to me knew what was going on. To everyone else, I suppose I just looked lazy.

It took about three years for me to get well enough to feel like myself again, and once I felt that I could return to the workforce, neither of us saw the point to it. We'd come to enjoy the benefits of having one partner at home, and by then we had imminent plans to get married and have children. So I used my free time to plan a wedding, go on my honeymoon, and enjoy a relaxed pregnancy where I didn't have to juggle work with morning sickness and prenatal appointments. Now my title is SAHM and, to be honest, my days with the baby are a million times easier than what my days looked like when I was struggling with my health. Though I imagine I have more credibility with the outside observer than I ever did as a "stay at home girlfriend."