Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[piccolopat]

Uh, she's his wife. Her name should be on the deed.

Not if he bought the house before he married the new wife.

 

[quandrea]

Not if he bought the house before he married the new wife.

I don't understand this lack of generous spirit when entering into marriage. What was mine was my future husband's, what was his became mine. Our finances were commingled from the start. There was never a "his" and "mine." Just ours. It doesn't seem like a loving way to run a marriage.

We both entered into the marriage owning our own homes. I sold mine and paid off his house. Because, after all, it was my home. It was a wonderful way to begin our life together.

Twenty years later there is still only our money and our assets.

 

[disykat]

I also think that part time employment needs to be something our society values more. I believe more people (male and female) would choose this option, especially during prime time intensive parenting years, if more viable options were available along with proportionate benefits. In my career there have been part time options available, so I did that for 10 years. DH has never had a part time option in his career. I'm repeating myself from earlier, but if there were 3/4 time options available to us DH and I would probably both be doing that. We can make it one one income, we can do fine both working, but we are simply happiest at 1 1/2 jobs in our family.

We know that because we've tried all the ways. (in my adult life I have worked full time 15 years, some prior to kids, some while their college was the impetus, not worked at all for 9 years while kids were preschool, and part time for 10 years during the kid's school years. Now I'm home again - early retirement - and looking for part time.)

 

[HarperLeigh]

Not if he bought the house before he married the new wife.

I don't believe in the his and hers construct within marriage.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I don't understand this lack of generous spirit when entering into marriage. What was mine was my future husband's, what was his became mine. Our finances were commingled from the start. There was never a "his" and "mine." Just ours. It doesn't seem like a loving way to run a marriage.

We both entered into the marriage owning our own homes. I sold mine and paid off his house. Because, after all, it was my home. It was a wonderful way to begin our life together.

Twenty years later there is still only our money and our assets.

My mother in law didn't understand why my husband put me on the deed. I think she still not so secretly hopes that we will get a divorce. But we are at almost 26 years.

 

[disykat]

My mother in law didn't understand why my husband put me on the deed. I think she still not so secretly hopes that we will get a divorce. But we are at almost 26 years.

I think my Grandpa planned for my parent's divorce until the day he died at 89. It was a major reason he wouldn't leave his big house.

 

[Colleen27]

I am a working mom and wife, the above that you praise SAHMs for doing I also doing plus working 40 plus hours a week.. I feel that a SAHM or a SAHD can choose what they do with their lives.. The only thing that gets me is when some one praises a SAHM for taking care of the kids, cleaning, organizing volunteering... etc because ya'll know it's a full time job...... Well we working parents spouses also do this.. Not every working woman has a housekeeper or nanny taking care of ther kids. In fact we have double or triple duty.

In my neighborhood there are many SAHMs who contanstly are looking for affirmative praise from us working moms that being a SAHM is as full time job,, I agree it can be.. But please, once they are in school you got the whole day. they get to sit on the couch at night and spend time with their kids, or just chill ( I am scrubbing toilets). or take weekends off for family.. What I am doing on Satursdays/Sundays... laundry...

Fair enough. That's a big part of why I didn't want to be a working mom - because too often being a working mom means having basically two jobs, and I know my husband and his schedule well enough to know that would have been the case for us (whether I'm home or I'm working, he's got a 60-70 hour workweek and can't guarantee he'll be home at any particular time).

But at the same time, when working women say this I have two questions - One, why are you doing it all yourself if you're not single? And two, are you really doing it all? Because for most people, something has to give and usually that something is the volunteering and hobbies (IOW the parts of staying home that tend to be the most rewarding/fulfilling, rather than just repetitive chores).

 

[Tattylou]

It's great that you enjoy your job outside the home and feel good about the work you do, but many people feel the same way about taking care of their home - that gives them fulfillment. Personally, my home is WAY higher on the priority list than my job. And when I use the word "home", I don't mean just the actual physical chores around the house. I mean creating a warm, calm and loving environment for my family. To each their own.

That's a valid point as it is the actual house chores that I dislike, which is not to say I don't enjoy helping to create a loving and happy environment in my home. I do enjoy that and it is a priority. I just happen to have a career that is in a helping profession so it really is fulfilling too. Which bring me to @disykat point on the whole part time work. That's what I do.... I changed to working 3 days/week in my career when we had kids to have more of a balance and be available for them. So, now I enjoy that balance of my time at work and time at home.
I agree that if it works for you and yours than do it. I don't have to understand it and vice versa. We all have our own values and priorities and none are necessarily right or wrong.

 

[Magpie]

I don't understand this lack of generous spirit when entering into marriage. What was mine was my future husband's, what was his became mine. Our finances were commingled from the start. There was never a "his" and "mine." Just ours. It doesn't seem like a loving way to run a marriage.

We both entered into the marriage owning our own homes. I sold mine and paid off his house. Because, after all, it was my home. It was a wonderful way to begin our life together.

Twenty years later there is still only our money and our assets.

You've just reminded me... my husband paid off my school loans before we were even formally married. So yes, our finances were commingled right from the start, too.

 

[Skippy918]

doing all the charity, volunteering, household management that people have mentioned, would help them be a better person. I can see how you would learn new skills (like languages and hobbies) and how taking care of the house and taking pride in the house, and spending your time looking after your family and your community would be a great achievement.


I am a working mom and wife, the above that you praise SAHMs for doing I also doing plus working 40 plus hours a week.. I feel that a SAHM or a SAHD can choose what they do with their lives.. The only thing that gets me is when some one praises a SAHM for taking care of the kids, cleaning, organizing volunteering... etc because ya'll know it's a full time job...... Well we working parents spouses also do this.. Not every working woman has a housekeeper or nanny taking care of ther kids. In fact we have double or triple duty.

In my neighborhood there are many SAHMs who contanstly are looking for affirmative praise from us working moms that being a SAHM is as full time job,, I agree it can be.. But please, once they are in school you got the whole day. they get to sit on the couch at night and spend time with their kids, or just chill ( I am scrubbing toilets). or take weekends off for family.. What I am doing on Satursdays/Sundays... laundry...

My house hasn't been deep cleaned since I was unemployed 2 years ago. I keep up with laundry and basic cleaning like bathrooms and mopping, but all the other stuff gets left behind. All those things plus the grocery store are done Friday nights or weekends. Dh will vacuum and handle all the outside chores. Now add in kids activities and that doesn't even leave time for cooking dinner. I feel like a chauffeur on those nights. Then there's squeezing in checking the kids homework. If I was at home or worked part time, they could do their afterschool activities earlier like at 3:30 or 4. Instead, I get home at 4:45, then activity at 5:30. Pick up dinner and eat afterwards and get done at 7. Then showers and bed.
I love my job and all, but some days can be mentally taxing, then add the kids being mentally taxing and that leaves me exhausted.

 

[aprilgail]

Some professions are like that. When we met, DH used to work as a driver for a moving and storage company, and his coworkers in that business were enough to make you lose all faith in the male of our species and the institution of marriage itself. The bitter, woman-hating divorced guys and the "happily married" younger guys with an attitude that all real men cheat when they're on the road (rarely more than a few days) were actually the catalyst for DH deciding to change fields. He didn't mind the long hours and lack of long-term opportunity (he can be pretty change-resistant, even when the change is for the better), but the social/workplace culture made him miserable.

That is exactly how it was. 30+ years of seeing this day in and day out makes me so disgusted. And after so much time I have gotten to know a lot of these wives through work parties, weddings, bbq's etc. which makes it even worse-I know your husband is screwing around with 2 different people other than you at the same time and yet I sit there listening to the wife saying how they are each others best friends and do everything together and so happy.....and I am sitting there thinking "ha! you're certainly are NOT doing everything together!" Bosses sleeping with workers, workers sleeping with the girl they met in the bar down the block, workers sleeping with commuters-it was a never ending cycle oh and cant forget the one time one of the workers slept with the wife of his co-worker. My best male friend I worked with there for 25 years and as far as I know he was one of the ones that didn't cheat-funny thing is we were really close friends (he passed away 2 years ago) that half the people there thought we a "thing" but nope- never ever! And the thing is that most of them didn't try to hide the fact that they were cheating on their wives in fact they would flaunt it at work. I will never quite get the male mentality-many of them keep nothing to themselves- the amount of times I would hear one of them talking about how they had sex with their wife the night before was crazy! I have never ever went into work saying "welp, good night last night, I got laid"..can't even think of why one would even want to share that info! Oh and the absolute weirdest thing was one of the bosses had a baby and brought in the video for all the guys to watch of the entire childbirth- I went and hung out on a train because I had no desire to see that much of his wife!!

 

[Magpie]

That is exactly how it was. 30+ years of seeing this day in and day out makes me so disgusted. And after so much time I have gotten to know a lot of these wives through work parties, weddings, bbq's etc. which makes it even worse-I know your husband is screwing around with 2 different people other than you at the same time and yet I sit there listening to the wife saying how they are each others best friends and do everything together and so happy.....and I am sitting there thinking "ha! you're certainly are NOT doing everything together!" Bosses sleeping with workers, workers sleeping with the girl they met in the bar down the block, workers sleeping with commuters-it was a never ending cycle oh and cant forget the one time one of the workers slept with the wife of his co-worker. My best male friend I worked with there for 25 years and as far as I know he was one of the ones that didn't cheat-funny thing is we were really close friends (he passed away 2 years ago) that half the people there thought we a "thing" but nope- never ever! And the thing is that most of them didn't try to hide the fact that they were cheating on their wives in fact they would flaunt it at work. I will never quite get the male mentality-many of them keep nothing to themselves- the amount of times I would hear one of them talking about how they had sex with their wife the night before was crazy! I have never ever went into work saying "welp, good night last night, I got laid"..can't even think of why one would even want to share that info! Oh and the absolute weirdest thing was one of the bosses had a baby and brought in the video for all the guys to watch of the entire childbirth- I went and hung out on a train because I had no desire to see that much of his wife!!

I'm not a guy, but I don't think this is "the male mentality". Not based on the men I know and interact with, anyway.

Seems more like some sort of weird macho subculture.

 

[mousefan73]

Fair enough. That's a big part of why I didn't want to be a working mom - because too often being a working mom means having basically two jobs, and I know my husband and his schedule well enough to know that would have been the case for us (whether I'm home or I'm working, he's got a 60-70 hour workweek and can't guarantee he'll be home at any particular time).

But at the same time, when working women say this I have two questions - One, why are you doing it all yourself if you're not single? And two, are you really doing it all? Because for most people, something has to give and usually that something is the volunteering and hobbies (IOW the parts of staying home that tend to be the most rewarding/fulfilling, rather than just repetitive chores).

I will tell you what gives: 1. My sex life, when I see my bed I think sleep nothing else 2. My yard. Would love to have more than just a yard 3. Tideness, those suitcases from our vacation 2 weeks ago still have crap I havnt pit away. 4. TV/ movies can't recall the last time I spent more than 1 hour on the couch simply watching TV.

Btw. My DH also contributes a lot. We split things up equally.

 

[North of Mouse]

Yeah, that gave me pause.

When we bought our house, our firstborn was just 10 months old. I didn't have a dime to contribute to a home purchase, either, but my name is still on the deed.

Whether I have a salary or not, we're still in a lifelong partnership together. And my husband feels that I have contributed much more of value over the years than just childcare (which is why I'm still doing my part from home, even though the kids are now grown).

This! Me, to a T!! Our dd was 10 mos. also when we purchased our first home, now 48 yrs. later we have/own our home in another state. Retired now, traveling, and the arrangement is still working for us.

 

[Tattylou]

My house hasn't been deep cleaned since I was unemployed 2 years ago. I keep up with laundry and basic cleaning like bathrooms and mopping, but all the other stuff gets left behind. All those things plus the grocery store are done Friday nights or weekends. Dh will vacuum and handle all the outside chores. Now add in kids activities and that doesn't even leave time for cooking dinner. I feel like a chauffeur on those nights. Then there's squeezing in checking the kids homework. If I was at home or worked part time, they could do their afterschool activities earlier like at 3:30 or 4. Instead, I get home at 4:45, then activity at 5:30. Pick up dinner and eat afterwards and get done at 7. Then showers and bed.
I love my job and all, but some days can be mentally taxing, then add the kids being mentally taxing and that leaves me exhausted.

This is probably a reply that could become its own thread.....If you can afford it and feel ok with it, I highly recommend a house keeper once or twice a month. It will cut back on some of those extras you are trying to get done on your time off and the housekeeper will get to the things that you never have the time to clean while working, kids, etc.

 

[tzolkin]

But at the same time, when working women say this I have two questions - One, why are you doing it all yourself if you're not single? And two, are you really doing it all? Because for most people, something has to give and usually that something is the volunteering and hobbies (IOW the parts of staying home that tend to be the most rewarding/fulfilling, rather than just repetitive chores).

This is why I (and DH) prefer the times when I do not work.

I am always more stressed out and feel like everything is falling apart. We are generally "getting everything done"-- we have clean clothes and food-- but it's certainly not at the level that it would be if I were at home. For example, I am a planner and like to be super organized, so things like meal planning based on the sales is much more comfortable to me than trying to throw something together at the last minute because I didn't thaw any meat and forgot that one of the kids has an event that evening.

My DH has a stressful career, but he also has a very self-sacrificing and generous personality. So if I am also working, he will try to do way more than his fair share around the house to ease the burden from me. While this is sweet, I know it takes a toll on him mentally and physically. It's simply not worth the potential extra money that I could be earning. By giving up the extra income, we gain more time to enjoy our family, volunteer, and further our educations.

If you're spending your evenings and weekends taking care of the household chores and errands, there is little to no time for other pursuits.

 

[North of Mouse]

[QUOTE
The only thing that gets me is when some one praises a SAHM for taking care of the kids, cleaning, organizing volunteering... etc because ya'll know it's a full time job...... Well we working parents spouses also do this.. Not every working woman has a housekeeper or nanny taking care of ther kids. In fact we have double or triple duty.

a SAHM is as full time job,, I agree it can be.. But please, once they are in school you got the whole day. they get to sit on the couch at night and spend time with their kids, or just chill ( I am scrubbing toilets). or take weekends off for family.. What I am doing on Satursdays/Sundays... laundry...

This, to me, is 'one' reason for our decision! Having basically the same hours as my dh. I always got the majority of work out of the way during the day, so could relax in the evenings with dh, and later our children. My weekends and evenings were mostly free and I wasn't exhausted. Dh loved this, plus the evening meal was usually ready for the table and we 'always' had that meal together as a family.

 

[Tattylou]

I see a lot of SAHM replying on this thread, but it was really directed to stay at home spouses without kids and if they get supported or judged. From people I know and see, a SAHM is less likely to get judged or questioned about "what do you do all day" than a stay at home spouse with no kids. I also think SAHM (or dads) are more common than stay at home spouses with no kids (at least where I live).

 

[monica9]

I WISH I could be a SAHM. I work for our insurance and to pay for groceries and such. I have a 9 year old and 10 month old and would give anything to be gone with the little one and volunteer at the older ones school.
I only work 3 days a week but only two week days and the way it works out to make my 24 hours I have to work every other weekend so I miss out a lot on my children's activities. I hate hate hate my job. I sit in a chair and answer 200 calls and get yelled at by patients. But it's hard to find another job that will pay what I'm getting payed and the hours just work out best for my family since I work 6am until 2:30pm and my daughter gets off the bus at 3. I would give anything to either work from home or be a SAHM because I also love the traditional roles. It takes so much out of me to come home and help my daughter with homework, play with my little one, cook, clean and go to my older ones sporting events. And the days I'm home I have to run errands, cook and prep food and prepare the house for the next day. So if you have the opportunity I say go for it!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am a working mom and wife, the above that you praise SAHMs for doing I also doing plus working 40 plus hours a week.. I feel that a SAHM or a SAHD can choose what they do with their lives.. The only thing that gets me is when some one praises a SAHM for taking care of the kids, cleaning, organizing volunteering... etc because ya'll know it's a full time job...... Well we working parents spouses also do this.. Not every working woman has a housekeeper or nanny taking care of ther kids. In fact we have double or triple duty.

In my neighborhood there are many SAHMs who contanstly are looking for affirmative praise from us working moms that being a SAHM is as full time job,, I agree it can be.. But please, once they are in school you got the whole day. they get to sit on the couch at night and spend time with their kids, or just chill ( I am scrubbing toilets). or take weekends off for family.. What I am doing on Satursdays/Sundays... laundry...

As others have said, you've well illustrated part of why my husband and i have made the decision for me not to work (and we know we are very fortunate to even have the option; not every family can afford to live on one income, and not every family has 2 adults).

We really treasure having evenings together when DH is in town. We treasure our weekends and vacations and want to spend that time with one another and not running errands/cleaning/etc. So we've made intentional choices which allow me to get most everything done while DH is working so that we have downtoime together on a regular basis.

Additionally, and I know full well this does not apply to everyone: DH's career keeps him away so much he would not be able to do "his share" of household work if we both had jobs. And I am oftne occupied with "corporate wife" stuff: spending this mornign helping a coworker's wife learn ENglish before they move to the US for the job, hosting 5 coworkers (plus a couple of spouses) for dinner at our place tomorrow night in advance of a big international meeting next week, running to the airport to pick up a coworker who flew home early hwen her DH had a medical emergency. Getting the tires changed on the company car twice a year (winter/summer) because DH is not home when the garage is open to do it himself, entertaining coworker's spouses or potential new hires when they visit the area . . .

And I am not looking for praise for what I do for DH, or volunteer work, or how clean my house is (heck, we had a housekeeper for a bit and if I could find one in the area now I would have one again!) or anyhting else. Then again, it would be nice not to be looked own upon for my lack of an income in my name, or have everyone imaigne that I must jsut be lazy if my contributions to my family and society at large are not within the realm of a paid job. I just jumped into this thread to answer the OP's question about what people who "stay home" do and how their days pan out.