Anyone else live in a "No cheating zone"?

[wenrob]

I really find it hard to belive people ( I am assuming strangers here ) ask you if all four children are from the same father.

I get asked all the time if my eldest DD is my DH's stepdaughter. She is nine years older then her sibs and most people just assume that the little ones are the kids we decided to "have together." If I have all three kids in to see a doctor I always get asked about eldest DD's "father's insurance." It's not uncommon at all, as someone up thread said we are a throw away society and people assume we're a blended family.

I don't want a cookie and I certainly don't think having been together more then half of our lives is "having it easy." I've worked darn hard on my marriage thank you very much.

Twenty one years together married eighteen. Of course it's a no cheat zone and I could not imagine DH ever doing so but I'm a never say never kind of girl. Way back when were youngins I proclaimed if he ever cheated I was out of here. About ten years in I started rethinking that, we've invested a LOT in each other could I really just walk away? Another decade later I'd like to think we could work it out. Something we both agree on is that the five people in this house are the ones who count and whatever comes our way we'll work out together. He's the one who knows it all and even for some unfathomable reason we decided to part ways I could only imagine it would be done with respect same as we've treated our marriage.

I don't think anyone here is "crowing" or being "sanctimonious." What I think happens is when you start seeing people split up all around you it rattles you a bit and you just want to know there can be "a happily ever after." I don't think it's fair to accuse people of shoving something in someone's face when really all they want is a little reassurance. It blows my mind how cynical people can be. Not everything is about someone else.

 

[skater]

Some of the negative responses here puzzle me, but that's OK - just a product of the anonymity of the DIS boards . I haven't found too much smugness, but I guess its how you read it. Or maybe I'm a little Pollyannish tonight .

I will say again, that I am blessed with a safe (from cheating), happy marriage. I don't feel smug or superior - just incredibly blessed. I don't know what the future will bring us, but neither one of us have even been tempted up to this point. Maybe that's a blessing too.

I don't "brag" about this in my real life because I don't want to come acoss as smug and I don't want to make people who are struggling feel bad. Its not that we are great people or even deserve what we have - we just have it. Of course we've had some struggles - we even went to marital counseling (which I highly recommend). We've also had some rough things happen to us aside from our marriage and for a while I thought we wouldn't have children. We've also made some stupid decisions (that keep me away from being too smug in my real life). I guess some people on here were hoping for an anonymous place to share their joy in their marriage, but again, that's the mixed blessing of the DIS!

 

[EeyoreEma]

DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for almost 13 years. I wouldn't ever want to be with anyone but him - he's wonderful!!

 

[SpecialK]

I look at this thread like this:
imagine if there had been lots of threads lately about say being overweight.
About how people want to lose weight but can't ect...
And then someone posted a thread about how they will never get fat, how they live in a "no chubby zone"
Many of us would think that person smug and self-righteous.

I don't think (aside from swingers) that anyone lives in a "cheating zone"

Great analogy. I'm another who doesn't see the point.

 

[RUDisney]

I really find it hard to belive people ( I am assuming strangers here ) ask you if all four children are from the same father.

My Dad used to get asked by coworkers all the time if my youngest sister was with a second wife because there are 24 years between she and I and 15 years between her and my second youngest sister.

He would tell them that we were all from his only marriage and he'd add that when you find the right person and treat them right, they find no reason to leave.

 

[LuvOrlando]

WOW, I guess I totally misjudged the idea behind this thread. I just noticed the read count and am utterly floored. I don't get why being in a happy faithful marriage is such a big deal. I mean this is The Dis right, and Disney is the home of Prince Charming, Prince Eric ect right? Shouldn't stories about real life Prince Charming's be a happy read? Anyone else get the irony? I certainly never expected it and I still don't quite know what to make of it.

Going into this I thought some nice stories about happily ever after would be nice to read, I know I wanted to find some which is exactly what i said. How on earth a thread looking for feel good stories morphed into people thinking it was a critique on them is stunning to me because other than considering how sad the tragic stories make me feel I didn't give any of them a moments thought. Seriously, there is no hidden meaning, no hidden digs. Only on the DIS could a thread about being happy in a monogamous relationship drive people to pull out the pitchforks and torches. S C A R Y.

 

[disykat]

Perhaps if you had started your thread on a more positive tone rather than acting as if the world was full of cheaters and you were in some sort of minority you would have received better responses?

NO ONE here has said it's bad to be happy and not cheat in a marriage. The point people are trying to make is that fidelity is one of the main tenants in marriage. I'm not sure why you think it's such a rarity?

Two things I've learned from this thread - 1) A lot of people think fidelity in marriage is optional? 2) A lot of people have had conversations with their spouse telling them under what conditions they will immediately dump them.

I'm really confused because I think my view of marriage is more positive than that, yet I'm in the group accused of being negative.

 

[leighe]

But you didn't word your OP like you wanted Prince Charming stories. You worded it like people who were in marriages that dealt with infidelity did it on purpose or smething. My ex was cheating on me within months of our wedding. I had no inkling and trusted him completely until confronted with the facts. I certainly didn't walk down the isle saying, "Oh well. I know he'll cheat but that's okay.". Your OP implies that that must have been the case. It was sanctimonious and, to be honest, quite childish.

I must be in the minority but I fought to save my marriage. I didn't just pack a suitcase and move out as soon as I found out. Maybe I should have, but that's not the place I was in at the time. I think it's silly when people unequivacally state, "That's a deal breaker." You'll never know until you are in that situation. And I sincerely hope you never are. It's awful.

 

[clarabelle]

Maybe just a thread then that said "how long have you been married?"
or
"I love my husband"

 

[sunnyday123]

My Dad used to get asked by coworkers all the time if my youngest sister was with a second wife because there are 24 years between she and I and 15 years between her and my second youngest sister.

He would tell them that we were all from his only marriage and he'd add that when you find the right person and treat them right, they find no reason to leave.

I'm just astounded that people would do that. I find it very rude.

 

[LuvOrlando]

For heaven's sake, when exactly did I say that I think people who aren't like me are bad or wrong? When did I say that marriages that aren't like mine are bad or wrong? I know I didn't, because I don't think it.

I do, however, have a very firm belief of what is absolutely a deal breaker FOR ME. What is right for me is just that, right for me. How does me asking if there are any other people out there like me become a criticism of people who aren't? I never said there aren't any faithful people. I DID ask others like me to speak up because none of us ever say anything which gives the IMPRESSION we are in the minority. There is monumental difference, but it's pretty plain if you read what I actually wrote instead of making assumptions which have zero validity. But by all means, don't let validity get in the way of a good bashing.

 

[robinb]

Two things I've learned from this thread - 1) A lot of people think fidelity in marriage is optional? 2) A lot of people have had conversations with their spouse telling them under what conditions they will immediately dump them.

Really? I don't recall a single post that said that.

 

[gregokdisney]

Very early in our marriage, my wife once wrote one of my English papers for me while I was working nights in a video store.

It was risky, because it was for a very strict professor. I don't think the professor knew, though. But my wife's paper got an A and mine got an A-.

Are you my husband posting on here? We did this exact same scenario! Complete with the video store job!

 

[sunnyday123]

But you didn't word your OP like you wanted Prince Charming stories. You worded it like people who were in marriages that dealt with infidelity did it on purpose or smething. My ex was cheating on me within months of our wedding. I had no inkling and trusted him completely until confronted with the facts. I certainly didn't walk down the isle saying, "Oh well. I know he'll cheat but that's okay.". Your OP implies that that must have been the case. It was sanctimonious and, to be honest, quite childish.

I must be in the minority but I fought to save my marriage. I didn't just pack a suitcase and move out as soon as I found out. Maybe I should have, but that's not the place I was in at the time. I think it's silly when people unequivacally state, "That's a deal breaker." You'll never know until you are in that situation. And I sincerely hope you never are. It's awful.

This is dead on. And this is one of the few threads on the CB that has not become overly heated and nasty, and yet the OP still finds the need to act like everyone is attacking her. No one is, but the fact that people who have been cheated on have said they, a) didn't go into the marriage knowing they'd be cheated on and b) didn't purposely pick a lying, cheating scum-sucker somehow doesn't matter. Life isn't all sunshine and puppy dogs, and the reality is 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many are due to cheating. I never said my husband wouldn't cheat on me, which was darn good because I would've had to eat my words. Was it a deal breaker for me? Yep. That and the physical abuse. Cheating is just something I can't get past. I know people who have worked it out, and I evny and respect that about them because I know I couldn't do it. I worked on my marriage, he didn't.

The OP seems to want to pick a fight because this thread isn't going the way she wanted. Just because you say it won't happen to you, doesn't mean it won't. Everyone that I know that was cheated on me never thought it would happen to them, never expected it, and one never suspected it.

 

[AshleyW]

This thread reminds me of the "WOOHOO Look how great I'm doing financially!!!!" threads a certain poster (who I believe is no longer here ) started a few months ago, when everyone else was making posts about people losing jobs and whatnot.

 

[FayeW]

WOW, I guess I totally misjudged the idea behind this thread. I just noticed the read count and am utterly floored. I don't get why being in a happy faithful marriage is such a big deal. .

Neither do the rest of us. That's why so many are posting that they don't get the point of your thread. It is assumed and expected that a marriage is a "no cheat zone". Your post seems to imply that your marriage is something of a novelty, somehow better than everybody else's because there is no cheating. You declaring your marriage a "no cheat zone" is exactly what the rest of us assumed we did when we stood at an altar and said "take this man/woman and cleave only onto him/her and forsake all others".

So, nobody's slagging you because you posted about your faithful marriage. We are just kind of perplexed because aren't all marriages supposed to be faithful? Isn't that the point?

 

[Disney Doll]

Apparently not, Faye, based on many of the posts here.

 

[disykat]

Really? I don't recall a single post that said that.

The general 'assumption' of this thread is that marriages generally don't involve fidelity, thus the need for this thread.

Neither do the rest of us. That's why so many are posting that they don't get the point of your thread. It is assumed and expected that a marriage is a "no cheat zone". Your post seems to imply that your marriage is something of a novelty, somehow better than everybody else's because there is no cheating. You declaring your marriage a "no cheat zone" is exactly what the rest of us assumed we did when we stood at an altar and said "take this man/woman and cleave only onto him/her and forsake all others".

So, nobody's slagging you because you posted about your faithful marriage. We are just kind of perplexed because aren't all marriages supposed to be faithful? Isn't that the point?

Exactly. We've said it over and over that fidelity is an expectation of marriage only to be told we're somehow wrong about that?

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I found this right when my wonderful DH asked if I was ready for bed, so I can't read the whole thread but I will in the morning, but I read the OP and I could have written it myself. DH and I have been together almost 20 years (since I was 15) and have been married 17 years (since I was 17.) We totally love just being together, (we love watching the Soup together) and wouldn't want anyone else in the world!

I'll have to read the thread in the morning...

 

[krcit]

Add me to those who doesn't get the point of this thread Am I not in the 'no cheating zone' because I refuse to say that cheating is a 'deal breaker'? My feelings from reading this thread is that if I don't say that cheating is an automatic deal-breaker than I'm somehow condoning it or that it isn't that big a deal for me. False. It is a huge deal for me and I have never cheated and as far as I know, neither has DH. I expect that that will never change but I can't say never as I don't have a crystal ball. If I found out that DH cheated, I would be devastated but I will not say it would be the end of my marriage. Could it be? Absolutely but that is not a decision I would take lightly and it is also not one I can make unless I was in that situation. I hope I never am but who knows?