Anyone else live in a "No cheating zone"?

[RNMOM]

DH and I have been together for 33 years, married for 31.5. We had both been cheated on before we got together and this was a topic both of us agreed was something people who commit to one another don't do.

We have gone through a great many transitions in our lives together what with having children, moving around the country and job changes. Our relationship has changed also, as it should. We are still in love and still happy together but life could be a little easier than it is for us. I think that is true for most of us these days.

 

[roogard]

Married for 15 years, and hoping that for our 20th we can sneak to Disney without our kids for a weekend Of course going many times with our 4 kids is why we bought into DVC!!!! Hoping to grow old together while for thenext 50 years at the BLT!!!

 

[quentina]

I was 21, hubby 23 when we got married 16 years ago. Cheating is the one thing I would never forgive.

I do believe anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

Okay ... I am writing this as my husband has gone out and put my car in the garage ... which I forgot.

He is my best friend. There have been times in our 20 years (it is our anniversary on Aug. 11th ) when marriage has been hard and when it has been easy ... but cheating is a deal breaker. This was our pact when we got married.

I am so blessed to have such a soul mate (even if he doesn't like Disney!)

 

[wdwfan16]

Anyone else out there manage to find a marriage that doesn't involve cheating or refuse to get married unless monogamy is part of the deal?

I've been with my DH for 20 years (married 17) and, believe it or not, we've managed to not destroy each other in that time. When we got married I made it absolutely clear that if he ever stepped out he's be alone because for me, it's a deal breaker. DH feels the same way. We're best friends and I can't imagine either of us being willing to sacrifice our partnership for something so worthless as an affair not to mention the whole reality that we entered into a covenant when we said "I do". Forsaking all others was/is sort of the point, at least for us.

So the point of this thread is to be anti-depressing, at least for me. Reading about the love lives of others on the DIS has been a bit depressing lately ( and hearing about real life stuff too, I know 3 couples getting divorced) and I just wanted to check if I'm really in such a short number or do people like me just have less to say? I mean a thread about laughing until I cried with my DH in bed watching "The Soup", sitting on the lawn with my DH's head in my lap talking about where we'll live when we retire and sitting quietly on the back swing with Mojito cracking up because my DH is a great storyteller isn't exactly going to pull in the high thread count numbers is it?

Anyone else?

Do you really think that people stand at the alter and say "I do and will also get to do others"?

 

[disney1990]

We have been married for 26 wonderful years and have 2 grown daughters.

But, over the course of my life, I have seen, not 1, not 2, but 3 of my close friends who had husbands that cheated on them. Two of these were deeply religious couples with children that had been married for many, many years. In all 3 cases, the women begged their husbands not to leave them for "the other woman". When you are faced with the reality that you spouse is going to leave you for something else, you really don't know how you will face that reality -- no matter what you think right now.

I just hope that none of you ever have to deal with that. And that you stay "happily ever after married".

 

[tigercat]

We have been together 37 years and married 36 (almost anyway) and no neither one of us has strayed. Now has it been easy?? No. I was married when I was 18. By 24 we had had 4 children. Our 3rd child died. His parents broke up and divorced because of that death (or I guess that was the final straw), My parents both had health problems. We had a lot to deal with and things have not always been rosy. Some times I just wanted to walk but we always say that the 2 of us are just too stuborn to leave LOL. He snores but got a machine, can't seem to find the laundry basket to put his dirty socks in and wears his good clothes to work around the house in, won't take his shoes off in the house and hogs the sink when we are both brushing our teeth. I am of course perfect LOL. But I make his favourite meals, make sure lemonaid is ready for him to drink in the fridge, he rubs my feet with a pain cream every night before bed, scratches my back when asked. Give and take helps as well as counting to ten or just walking away helps. Also, making sure that compliments are freely given for the things that he does. He also does the same. In my family 6 siblings are in as long or longer marriages, 1 divorce (should never had married, she only wanted kids after the kids the marriage was gone) and 1 brother died. My parents died still married.
tigercat

 

[Piglet4Ever]

Dh and I have been together 15 yrs, married 14. The word cheating isn't in our vocabulary. I so lucked out when I met my DH, he is perfect to me in every way. Even when he does something to annoy me or I him, we always end up laughing about it in the end. I think we both lucked out having parents with great marriages, so we grew up knowing what a good marrige looked like.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I find this thread very bizarre. Everyone says cheating is a deal breaker when they get married and most of the people that have been cheated on have no idea. I know of no one that says it's okay for their spouse to cheat. Unless you are with your spouse 24/7 and have been with them on every business trip, bachelor party, boys trip, overtime shift, watching the game at their friend Bob's, bowling night, helping a friend fix their car, etc., you may believe your spouse has never cheated on you (as do I) but for sure, some of them have. From my friends and family, it's always the one's you would suspect the least.

 

[book_junkie]

She has a simpler view. She says that she would definitely forgive me and that she would take the kids to visit my grave every week.

Oooooooooohhhhhh. I like your wife! I've said something similar... He's worth more dead than divorced....

We've been married for 12 years, together for 16. Met in college, been BFFs ever since. We had a few rocky patches, but they were about finances or his family- and those led to some very close calls, but we worked it out, and it made our relationship stronger.

We still hold hands, and meet for meals because our schedules don't match up. We get called newlyweds by my patrons, and on days when I forget to put my rings back on after taking them off, I've gotten asked when we're getting engaged/married.

I get notes left on my glasses case for when I wake up, and he gets texts and pages on his phone when I'm at work. We work to make our marriage work with our crazy schedules and the outside pressures.

I know that we're extremely lucky that we found each other, and that we're still together. I think part of it that makes ours work is that my hubby's parents were divorced, and it was a very nasty one- he's very determined to make sure it doesn't happen to us. One of our first conversations was that he wanted to make sure we didn't go to bed angry. It's been hard, but we've made it through, even through broken air conditioning in summer in Texas...

I like hearing the good stories- keep 'em coming....

 

[HeatherH]

I refuse to have "dealbreakers" in my marriage. No way.

DH and I have always been monogomous and always plan to be. It's not a question mark for us. While I know that things happen that sometimes destroy marriages and we're no more immune than anyone else, I'm not going to plan ahead conditions for the demise of my marriage anymore than I would plan ahead things that would make me no longer love my child. I never understand that.

THIS.

I know firsthand to never say never. I seriously WAS one of those people who said NEVER, it could NEVER happen, and if it did, then this would be EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO.

Life just isn't like that. That's all I'm saying. You can plan for all the eventualities that you want to, but until you are LIVING THEM...you have no idea how you really, truly will react.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I would have to guess that most people who are cheated on also have the same feeling as you and went into their marriages with the same ideals, perhaps even the cheater did too. I'm sure most people have the absolute best hopes and intentions for their marriage, the same as you do, but one of the partners re-nigs on that and cheats. You (and I) have been extremely blessed in that department in that neither partner re-nigged.

Anyone else out there manage to find a marriage that doesn't involve cheating or refuse to get married unless monogamy is part of the deal?

I've been with my DH for 20 years (married 17) and, believe it or not, we've managed to not destroy each other in that time. When we got married I made it absolutely clear that if he ever stepped out he's be alone because for me, it's a deal breaker. DH feels the same way. We're best friends and I can't imagine either of us being willing to sacrifice our partnership for something so worthless as an affair not to mention the whole reality that we entered into a covenant when we said "I do". Forsaking all others was/is sort of the point, at least for us.

So the point of this thread is to be anti-depressing, at least for me. Reading about the love lives of others on the DIS has been a bit depressing lately ( and hearing about real life stuff too, I know 3 couples getting divorced) and I just wanted to check if I'm really in such a short number or do people like me just have less to say? I mean a thread about laughing until I cried with my DH in bed watching "The Soup", sitting on the lawn with my DH's head in my lap talking about where we'll live when we retire and sitting quietly on the back swing with Mojito cracking up because my DH is a great storyteller isn't exactly going to pull in the high thread count numbers is it?

Anyone else?

 

[wdwfan16]

I find this thread very bizarre. Everyone says cheating is a deal breaker when they get married and most of the people that have been cheated on have no idea. I know of no one that says it's okay for their spouse to cheat. Unless you are with your spouse 24/7 and have been with them on every business trip, bachelor party, boys trip, overtime shift, watching the game at their friend Bob's, bowling night, helping a friend fix their car, etc., you may believe your spouse has never cheated on you (as do I) but for sure, some of them have. From my friends and family, it's always the one's you would suspect the least.

When you couple this thread with the other "My friends are getting divorced - are we the only ones staying together" thread this poster started a week or so ago, I think you can deduce the real point of this thread.

BTW that thread is a good read. Not the description of the friends.

 

[Becky2005]

Add me to the mix. We have been married 19 years, have 4 kids, live in a suburban house (we are only missing the white picket fence), etc...

I have literally been asked if all 4 kids have the same dad, etc... I think it's because of the 10 year age difference of my oldest & youngest or something...???

I usually just answer with "why yes, we are the boring old couple" or something like that.

Really, nothing too excited or drama filled to post on a message board. The worst drama was that DH was unemployed & got a job recently. The bank screwed up our deposit but it's all fixed now & the only other drama is DD is attempting to learn to drive.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Do you really think that people stand at the alter and say "I do and will also get to do others"?

Yes i do. I dated and almost made the mistake of marrying one of these sorts just before i began to date my DH. This guy had a very different idea of marriage than I do, and BTW, a very high opinion of himself. In his mind being his wife was such great honor that I should have been easily able to overlook the women in bathroom stalls and blond hairs on his bed and the phone numbers in his book. HE felt that being a wife and mother to his kids would put me at a different level, one that would make the others envious and that should be enough. After many incidents I realized this is just who he was and that I had a choice to make. I could either choose to tolerate his behavior or walk away. I left him just as he bought the ring. I know it sounds easy, but it wasn't, I was heartbroken but I knew the life I wanted and he simply couldn't/wouldn't be that man. I knew if I married this guy I'd be divorced in a matter of years. Thankfully I walked away because my own DH was just around the corner.

So again I've got to say that yes, I do absolutely believe that some people absolutely walk down the aisle knowing what they are getting, sometimes they do it hoping for change but change never comes. Other times some people are ensnared by the lies of selfish people who want a mother or father figure at home taking care of their home life while they go off behaving more like a child than a spouse. I's awful that this happens and I am usually very supportive when I come across these threads because I was so close to being one of these people. Either way, these relationships are not what this thread is about.

In my opinion there are more than enough threads about misery and mistakes. This particular thread is a celebration for those of us who made hard decisions ages ago, who continued to make hard decisions year in year out and who are reaping the benefits of those decisions years later. I really don't see why it's so provocative to be happy about it.

The family I came from was a mess. You don't see me jumping on strangers threads about their wonderful families telling them they have no right to be boastful/happy about their parents just because that's not what I got. Instead I try very hard to be happy for them and do my best to be that parent in my own home. It's so easy to be bitter but I choose not to be, or at least I try. You think it's easy to read about family gatherings and loving relationships and multi-generation vacations? Well it's not. I mke due with what I've got because I'm determined to be better than what I came from. When I'm sad or upset I open my own thread about that, I don't go stomping all over other people's parades like so many seem compelled to do here. Can't I be happy for THE ONE THING God did give me?

Now if you don't mind I'd like to go back to hearing happy stuff. Please continue with the stuff that makes me smile

 

[wdwfan16]

Yes i do. I dated and almost made the mistake of marrying one of these sorts just before i began to date my DH. This guy had a very different idea of marriage than I do, and BTW, a very high opinion of himself. In his mind being his wife was such great honor that I should have been easily able to overlook the women in bathroom stalls and blond hairs on his bed and the phone numbers in his book. HE felt that being a wife and mother to his kids would put me at a different level, one that would make the others envious and that should be enough. After many incidents I realized this is just who he was and that I had a choice to make. I could either choose to tolerate his behavior or walk away. I left him just as he bought the ring. I know it sounds easy, but it wasn't, I was heartbroken but I knew the life I wanted and he simply couldn't/wouldn't be that man. I knew if I married this guy I'd be divorced in a matter of years. Thankfully I walked away because my own DH was just around the corner.

So again I've got to say that yes, I do absolutely believe that some people absolutely walk down the aisle knowing what they are getting, sometimes they do it hoping for change but change never comes. Other times some people are ensnared by the lies of selfish people who want a mother or father figure at home taking care of their home life while they go off behaving more like a child than a spouse. I's awful that this happens and I am usually very supportive when I come across these threads because I was so close to being one of these people. Either way, these relationships are not what this thread is about.

In my opinion there are more than enough threads about misery and mistakes. This particular thread is a celebration for those of us who made hard decisions ages ago, who continued to make hard decisions year in year out and who are reaping the benefits of those decisions years later. I really don't see why it's so provocative to be happy about it.

The family I came from was a mess. You don't see me jumping on strangers threads about their wonderful families telling them they have no right to be boastful/happy about their parents just because that's not what I got. Instead I try very hard to be happy for them and do my best to be that parent in my own home. It's so easy to be bitter but I choose not to be, or at least I try. You think it's easy to read about family gatherings and loving relationships and multi-generation vacations? Well it's not. I mke due with what I've got because I'm determined to be better than what I came from. When I'm sad or upset I open my own thread about that, I don't go stomping all over other people's parades like so many seem compelled to do here. Can't I be happy for THE ONE THING God did give me?

Now if you don't mind I'd like to go back to hearing happy stuff. Please continue with the stuff that makes me smile

1st bold - I think your almost DH was certainly the exception not the rule. I know three people who had affairs. I know that both made a mistake but they did not enter the marriage planning to cheat. One was after about 5 years, the second more than 10 years and the third almost 20. The first and second did not end in divorce (the people never cheated again). The third left the marriage for the person they had the affair with. All three were not serial cheater but only had on person they cheated with. Of the two that stayed together the 5 year one is still married after 28 years. They are very happy. The other divorced 10 years later due to alcoholism, which was what let to the affair of the alcoholic spouse in the first place. So NO I do not think most go into the marriage expecting to cheat and I also so NOT believe it is a deal breaker. It would take work to get over but I know it has worked.

2nd bold - Really!!! That is not how I saw it. BTW I am in an extremely great marriage and it is not a lot of work for us. I picked a very loving and caring man. A man just like his father, who was the same to his mother. I honor my FIL for the great example he was to his son at how a man treats his wife.

3rd bold - It has been my experience that most families have members who are a mess and other who aren't. I only worry about what I can control. I have both in my family. I have big gatherings with some family and avoid others. I have great friends. We have vacationed as a solo family, with other relatives and with friends. All are nice vacations.

4th bold - This is sad this bothers you. I am happy for anybody who is happy, even it I cannot ever have what they have. Why? Because I am happy with what I have and I do not dwell on what I can never have. I am a glass is half full person.

5th bold - I believe this is the goal of most people. They want better for their kids. They want to be a better parent in the areas where their parents were lacking and to recreate the areas their parents excelled in.


My grandparents were married 60 years. They never had much and both came from a broken home. They did not envy those who did not come from a broken home they just decided their kids would have a better life. Believe me their kids had a great life but not one with much money. The love between my grandparents was amazing. That is what I want for DH and I and he wants it too. He knew my grandparents for years and saw it too.

 

[LuvOrlando]

See this is way I did my best to ignore the angry posts I saw. Some people just want to stop all over things and won't let anyone or anything just BE. Fine have it your way. I can see where this is going from here on in and I'm done.

It really is a shame some people have to go and drag everything and everyone else down to wherever they are. Tear it apart if you want, I'm over it already. Such a pity though.

 

[Holly]

See this is way I did my best to ignore the angry posts I saw. Some people just want to stop all over things and won't let anyone or anything just BE. Fine have it your way. I can see where this is going from here on in and I'm done.

It really is a shame some people have to go and drag everything and everyone else down to wherever they are. Tear it apart if you want, I'm over it already. Such a pity though.

Why is it a pity?

Do you really care that much if people disagree with you? It doesn't mean you're wrong, you know.


I thought I lived in a no cheat zone for a decade but the joke was on me and I was the last to hear the punch line. Still, this thread didn't bother me other than a tiny twinge of envy for those couples who make it. I'm happy for all of you who truly live in the "no cheat zone".

 

[LuvOrlando]

forget it

 

[mumom95]

Haven't read the whole thread, so this has probably been mentioned.

I think every person I know who has been cheated on thinks that they live in a no cheat zone until they find out otherwise. And they always say "my spouse says it would be a deal breaker". Yeah, it would be a deal breaker if the spouse gets cheated on, doesn't necessarily mean the spouse cares if they are the cheater.

I have never cheated on my dh. And as far as I know he has never cheated on me. And obviously I think he wouldn't cheat on me or else I wouldn't be married to him. But does that mean I know for sure it will never happen. No. I don't for sure about anything in the future. And if it does would it be a deal breaker? Who knows. I can't answer that until I'm in the situation. Knowing me, I'd never be able to get over it and my constant worry would probably destroy the marriage. So, where it isn't necessarily a deal breaker, I'm fairly certain our marriage wouldn't survive it. But who knows.