Am I being unreasonable?

[lissawynn]

I didn't expect this post to cause such a stir in the DIS community.
First off let me say that I am not trying to control every aspect of my shower. All I asked is that I was told when the shower would take place. That's it. Second, I would like my friends from school invited because these are the people with whom I spend the majority of my day. These are the people who see me on a daily basis and constantly check on me. To be honest with all of you, I have four SIL and I can't remember when the last time one of them called to see how I was doing. My MIL has been the same way. She lives half a block away and rarely asks how I am doing. I don't know if this is because she already have five other grandchildren, or if she really isn't interested.
Concerning my older sister...from the time she told me she was pregnant I have gone above and beyond for her. I am not expecting, nor did I expect, any pats of the back for this. This is what you do for your family. I have been there to make her bed when she was too sick to do it. I shopped for her and helped her with anything she needed. When her shower rolled around I spend a huge amount of time and money making sure she had the things she needed and wanted for the baby. Since my nephew has been here I have done almost anything she asked of me. Her DH and his sister don't have much of a relationship, and my younger sister has either been in school or lived far away, so I've been the one to take care of the things she needed. Whether that was watching the little guy or whatever, I have done it. Again, this is what families do for one another, so please don't flame me and tell me that I shouldn't necessairly expect the same in return. I don't.
My feelings were very hurt last night after speaking to my little sis and my mom. My mom understands how all of us girls are and she can understand that I was not trying to control my shower. My DH sees that, too.
He attempted to talk to my sister a few weeks ago and she is worried that if some people aren't invited (his elderly great aunts, whom we never see) that my MIL will be angry with her. Both he and I tried to tell her that since MIL is not paying for any portion of the shower, she has no say. DH even offered to contribute to the cost of the shower. He didn't get too far with her.
At this point, my feelings are hurt because I have done a lot for my sister and her son. I am not going to continue to get upset about this because I know it's not good for me or the baby. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.

 

[Disney01]

I will say I had more than one shower, and was in control of none of them. The work friends who I spent the majority of my time, were not invited to the shower my sister threw for close friends and family. My work friends planned their own shower at work for me...It was a surprise. Also, my in-laws also planned a shower that I had no say in. I say you're getting to upset and you need to let it go. If your work friends are hurt, they can plan their own shower. It also could be a burden to add so many to the guest list.

 

[leahannpen]

The first thought that popped into my head was JEALOUS.

I think that since she is paying for it, she should have some say of course, but it's a shower FOR you... so YOU should also have some say. I would think that most people would want to please the person they were throwing the shower for, no? There seem to be other issues at play here. I think you need to have a heart to heart. Good luck to you...!

 

[Duchie]

While I think sister's got the best of intentions, I do think she should listen to your preferences when it comes to planning the shower. Someone else mentioned that she might be feeling a bit disappointed right now, and I agree that's a definite possibility.

When I was pregnant with DD, my coworkers planned a surprise shower for me. DH and I worked in the same office, so it was HUGE (both his team and mine participated). I am uncomfortable with surprises, and even more uncomfortable with being the center of attention, so it was a very difficult night for me. I pasted on my best poker face and was gracious and thankful to everyone who was there, but then I cried the whole way home.

If your mom wants to take over, maybe it's for the best. Perhaps you could have one very close friend who is willing to tip you off without anyone else knowing, then you could just act surprised when you show up. I sure wish DH had done this for me!

Hope it all works out for you.

 

[skiwee1]

Originally posted by aprilgail2
Thats funny because my first reactoin was "who in the world gets told twhen their shower is"...I have never known any birdal or baby shower to NOT be a surprise, even mine was! And also you never ask the person who's shower it is goign to be who they want invited..you ask the husband or mother or sister/ friend etc...the person gets no say in it since it is a party for them and a surprise it is rude for them to even ask details about it...at least that is how it is around here....

I was going to post the same thing. I had never heard of someone knowing when their shower is! We have always had surprise bridal and baby showers. It goes beyond tacky to actually tell the hostess who you want invited. You should be happy someone is even throwing you a shower. I think you are way out of line.

 

[septbride2002]

You are not being out of line at all! Let me tell you about my "surprise" bridal shower. My aunt decided that instead of faking an event at her house that she would just call me up and ask me over. So here I am at home, it is about noon on a Sunday I haven showered, I'm doing some paperwork, hair in a pony tail and I get this call from my Aunt. "You know that book you borrowerd - well I need it back - can you come by the house about 1:30 with it?" Of course I say, "Sure!" Well the wheels in my head start rolling and I think - this is awfully strange. Now normally I would go over to my aunts in my flannel pajama pants and unshowered self because I would just drop off the book and leave. So I call up my DH and asked him point blank - is my aunt having a bridal shower for me today. He says he has no idea. After I explain the situation I again ask - are they throwing me a bridal shower today? He said again he had no idea - but IF I thought it was a possibility I might want to go and take a shower. I am furious because I really dont' have time to get ready - it is already 12:15 and it takes 20 minutes to get to my Aunt's.

Thank Goodness for my SIL! DH called her to ask her opinion on the situation and she told him point blank - "Brian, if she goes over there looking like a mess she is going to be really pissed off. Call her back and tell her what is going on." So he had to tell me so that I would go over there looking decent. And THANK GOODNESS since there was family there that I haven't seen in ages and I would not want to sit there in my Disney PJ pants in front of them!

It is not unreasonable to request that a shower not be a surprise - if you really really don't like surprises. As far at the guest list - while I can understand both points of few - your sister could have been more understanding when she explained that she already set the guest list.

~Amanda

 

[4greatboys]

Originally posted by sue1013
Sorry but I think the OP is unreasonable.

How is it unreasonable to want to the know the date of your shower?? What if she makes other plans that day not knowing its her "suprise" shower day?
The only other thing she wanted is to have her friends invited. Again not at all unreasonable.

 

[mom2rb]

This must be something done in other parts of the country. I have never heard of a suprise shower for weddings or babies. I was a high risk pregnancy, I had to clear it with my doctor, it had to be before 30 weeks and I had to stay in bed the day before and after. I know that does not apply to everyone but a suprise can't be good for any soon-to-be mom.

 

[disykat]

Wow - it's amazing how different traditions are. I've never been to a surprise shower. I had several showers thrown for me - some hostesses asked me who I would like to invite, some didn't. They all invited me, however. It's seems really weird to me that anyone would plan a shower without inviting the guest of honor and giving them the courtesy of being prepared.

 

[sue1013]

4greatboys, apparently your area does not do surprise baby showers here its the norm. When you are throwing a surprise shower, close friends and family KNOW when it will be and make sure they have created a plan to get the person there.

 

[4greatboys]

No we dont do suprise showers here but I still dont think she is being unreasonable for not wanting hers to be a suprise.
It sounds like her ds is going out of her way to do everything her way and doesnt want to go with any of the OP's wants.
I would not throw a shower for someone and just completely disgard their likes, dislikes, feelings, etc.

 

[jfulcer]

Originally posted by safetymom
If she is paying for it then she should be able to do it her way. There is nothing wrong with a surprise shower. I don't like surprises but a surprise is better than no shower.

Maybe someone else could have a shower for all those that you couldn't invite.

EXACTLY what I was going to say. It's not your job to know what is going on with the shower, it's her planning.

There is nothing wrong with your DH telling the morning of the shower 'dress nice today, your shower is today'.

I think it's tacky to tell your sister who to invite to a shower that she is throwing for you, IMHO.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Actually I would rather have no shower than a surprise shower. Isn't it funny how different people are and what they are comfortable with.

It seems that it is just as well that the plans changed!

eta: My attitude may come from the fact that I am not really into showers anyway. Just to show my prejudice!

 

[Tuffcookie]

You are most definately NOT being unreasonable. You have every right to know when the shower is. You want to look nice for pictures.
As for the guest list, unless there's not enough room, you should be able to have whomever you want.
YOUR ARE THE QUEEN THIS DAY! YOUR WISHES SHOULD TAKE PRECIDENCE!

TC

 

[MELSMICE]

Obviously, certain areas of the country do have different traditions. Surprise showers are NOT the norm here either.

I also don't the OP is asking a lot by wanting to know the date. The norm here is to involve the bride or mom-to-be in the planning - ask them what they would like & who they would really like to invite. They don't write the invitations or make the favors or anything, but it is their shower. Why not make them happy.


Just the way it's done here in Western New York.

 

[carole88]

It must be a regional thing. Every shower I have been to except for one has been a surprise. The one that wasn't a surprise was for a bride that was a pediatric resident. Due to her erractic schedule at the hospital it really was necessary for her to be involved with picking the date.

The other surprises always involved inviting the honoree to another party. This way the honoree would be appropriately dressed.

 

[lissawynn]

For those of you who think I'm being ungrateful, spoiled, bratty, etc...
You seem to be under the impression that I want to control every aspect of my shower and if my sister doesn't do everything my way, I won't show up. Let me assure you, this is not the case.
I am not expecting a five course meal. I would be happy with dessert and coffee for my guests. I don't expect to sit on a throne and have people kiss my ringed finger. This is about a celebration, not a scheme to get people to buy presents for my unborn son. Fortunately for my family members, money is not the issue here. We're not rolling in dough, but the cost of the shower is not the factor that is causing the problem.
To those of you who feel I'm the one with the problem because I can't just put a smile on my face and go along with my sister's plans, have you ever been forced to do something that everyone involved knew you didn't want to do? Were you 7-8 months pregnant at the time? Did you sit with a smile on your face the entire time, even though you were unhappy?
I'm sorry. If it comes down to my sister taking control and ingoring my requests (which, again, I think are rather reasonable), I won't be attending my shower.
I didn't have to be surprised for my bridal shower, so why should this be such a huge deal?
Some of you have stated that where you come from all showers are surprises. To each her own. That's not the way most of us do things here. All of my friends knew about their bridal and baby showers. Some of them even had a hand in the planning of these events.
I just want a nice afternoon with my family and friends. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

[skiwee1]

Originally posted by lissawynn
For those of you who think I'm being ungrateful, spoiled, bratty, etc...

To those of you who feel I'm the one with the problem because I can't just put a smile on my face and go along with my sister's plans, have you ever been forced to do something that everyone involved knew you didn't want to do? .

If that is the case then why don't you tell your sister to forget the whole thing. I cannot imagine anyone being that miserable that they can't even put a smile on their face. I do think you are ungrateful.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Originally posted by skiwee1
If that is the case then why don't you tell your sister to forget the whole thing. I cannot imagine anyone being that miserable that they can't even put a smile on their face. I do think you are ungrateful.

She may be ungrateful, but the sister is being controlling and inconsiderate, IMO. Shouldn't a person take the guest of honor's preferences into consideration when planning an event? I would hope so. I would never host an event without doing so, personally.

 

[4greatboys]

The OP's question in the title "Am I being unreasonable?"

The answer is no. She is not being unreasonable or ungrateful. She simply wants to know the date ahead of time--I dont think that is unreasonable or ungrateful She also would like some of her good friends invited--again not unreasonable or ungrateful.

These requests are not out line, not unusual, not out of the ordinary