Am I being unreasonable?

[lulugirl]

Your sister sounds difficult and controlling.

 

[grlpwrd]

My sister told me that if I continued to ask people about my shower there wouldn't be one.

Whoa... is she your sister or your mommy? j/k

Sounds to me like she's being difficult, but then again it can just be sibling dynamics. Has she always been like this...controlling, etc.?

Ahhh.. sisterly love!

Please take care of yourself and your baby and don't stress too much, okay?

 

[MELSMICE]

Sounds to me like your sister has some control issues.

At this point you should be glad your sister has decided not to throw the shower for you. Maybe some understanding friends will throw you a fun shower that you are more involved in.

Good luck!

 

[princess pooh]

I don't believe in suprising pregnant people or the elderly. It could end up bad for all involved.

I'd feel the same way if I were in your position. Maybe your sister is jealous

 

[ZachnElli]

You are not being unreasonable. I had 2 surprise baby showers. I really would have liked to have just one with both family and friends together instead of separate, but whatever. My dh was good, he asked before both, "you sure you want to wear that today?" Thanks hun!

 

[Jeafl]

Originally posted by ADisneygirl
You are not the one being unreasonable. Why does your sister insist on being in total control of every aspect of the shower? Didn't you say that she knew all the details of her own baby shower, including the date, the time, the menu, the guests, etc. ?

Showers are meant to make the recipient happy. I can't understand why your sister can't see how unhappy she is making you feel about this party that is is supposed to be a loving, happy event. If it were me giving you the shower, I would certainly respect your wishes not to be surprised and definitely include your own friends as guests.

I say don't worry anymore about it. Let your Mom or friends throw the party for you.

Best wishes for a happy, healthy baby.

I totally agree with this entire post.

 

[diznygirl]

Actually..... (flame suit ready) I think what the sister was doing was trying to plan a nice surprise, and a party where all you have to do is show up and enjoy!

What's wrong with letting someone plan a party for you? And what's wrong with being gracious about someone planning a party for you?

A shower isn't a party you plan for yourself - it's a party someone gives you - and that is a gift.

 

[disykat]

But IMO is isn't "nice" to surprise someone who has made it clear they don't want to be surprised. It is mean - getting your own kicks at the expense of someone else.

 

[Disney01]

Well, I have to be in the minority here. I'm not in favor of people trying to "plan" their own showers-down to the food. We talked about this once at my office and we agreed the only response to someone wanting to throw you a shower was "Thank You" or if you don't want them to throw you a shower its "I appreciate it, but so and so is already planning a shower for me."

I don't think as a shower recepient, it's up to you to say how, who and what should happen. Of course, it would be nice if your sister asked for a guest list, etc. But the rest of the planning is up to your sister. Just my honest opinion.

 

[disneymom3]

while I don't think the guest of honor should plan the party, I don't think that is what the OP is wanting to do. She just wants to know WHEN it will be and wants her friends invited.

I think you are being totally reasonable and say good riddance to the idea of your sis hosting the shower. Who needs that when you are pregnant??

I can totally relate to the problem-=my sis in law wants to give DH a big surprise party for his bday next year. My DH hates surprises and big parties more than I can possibly explain! She brought this up to me and I told her that he didn't want one and I would not partipate in it because if I did he would divorce me (he wouldn't really, but participating would be an awful thing to do. to him) Anyway, I warned her that if she planned one and we got wind of it, we would not show up. She got mad at me. Well, fair warning--any invites the entire month of his birthday, we will be calling at the last minute to cancel!

 

[Froggyswife]

It's not unreasonable to want to know when it is. Also the guest list should come from you not your sister it isn't her party it's yours so your friends should be invited. I have given showers lots of times before and I never gave a surprise shower never even heard of a surprise shower. Birthday yes shower NO. Not a good idea to surprise a pregnant woman. Stick to your guns girl, you were perfectly right to confront her.

 

[LisaZoe]

To those that would argue the OP is not being reasonable:

From what I got out of the OP's post, she was willing to let her sister have her way on everything except:

1) The guest list - I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that certain people be invited to such a special party. If space was limited, I could understand that a second party might be necessary so everyone interested could attend at least one. However, it didn't sound like this was why the sister didn't/wouldn't invite the OP's friends.

2) Knowing in advance when the party would be - again I think it is a very reasonable request. When you are going to be the center of attention at a party - and who would argue that the mom-to-be isn't that - why would anyone who truly cared about you and your opinions not understand that you'd want to look your best? While I've never been pregant, I've known enough women who have to know they often don't feel terribly confident about their appearance especially toward the end. Yes, we may all say it doesn't matter, that all pregnant women are beautiful but would you really want photographs of yourself at such an important event with you in sweats and everyone else well dressed?

It was the sister who was planning this shower that exerted so much control over her own baby shower. If she felt that she should be accorded such controls, she has no grounds for making the 2 concessions the OP has requested.

To the OP - I think you were very reasonable and will be so much better off with a party planned by people who truly show they care for your wishes and place them above their own.

 

[mom2grace]

I threw a "surprise" bachelorette party for my sister (she's in her early 30's). I did it as a surprise because she lived out of state and I don't think she was expecting one, but was secretly hoping to have one.

It was at a paint-your-own-pottery place.

She lived out of state, as did her DH's family.

It was small, about 10 people, but her SIL's and MIL all came down for it (from out of state!)


Anyway, she got wind of it, which was fine with me.

HOWEVER, when she got there, KNOWING WHAT WAS HAPPENING, she cried........because she was too tired and had a million other things to get done!!!!!!

DS was only about 3 months old at the time, so I spent a lot of time and effort with a newborn and a 2 year old!

This party was several weeks before the wedding.

I was very upset, but I should've expected it from her. And, 11 months later, I guess I am still upset by it!

She doesn't have children yet, but if she does, I'm not sure I want to give her a shower. And, it doesn't have to be a surprise!

So, my advice is the smile and be gracious!! Keep a "nice" outfit in the car, that way you can change clothes and perk up if you are caught off guard!!

 

[yourtravelpro]

My take on the whole thing was that your sister was probably really excited to do this for you and maybe you might have seemed a little ungrateful. She probably lost all interest and is really disappointed now.

 

[Keli]

Originally posted by julia & nicks mom
I opened this thread and assumed my answer to your question would be yes - b/c normally if you have to ask...

I had to LOL when I read that because when I read the title of the thread in my mind I said "If you have to ask then I am sure you are". Glad to see that wasn't the case though.

To the OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Sounds like your sister has some issues with you or your pregnancy or something and the shower is her way of controlling the situation. She's totally out of line here.

 

[luvthatduke]

I don't think you're being unreasonable if the only
thing you wanted was a heads-up & to make sure
your friends were invited.
This happened with my bridal shower.

My (now) DH told me that our pastor wanted to
move one of our pre-marital meetings, and it was
on a Saturday morning. No giveaway there.
But I was having health problems and
was feeling really lousy that week, and
when DH said let's go out to breakfast first that
meant I had to be ready early.
Well, my hair wasn't washed, I had very little makeup on,
and I didn't have time to shower. Plus, I hadn't made
it to the laundromat so I was left with a less-than-stellar
choice of clothing. (I know I sound like a slob, but trust me
I was really having a bad time).
So, after breakfast we go to the pastor's study
and after some chit-chat he asks how I'm doing
and I say, "All I know is I could really use a pleasant
pill this morning!" (seriously, exactly what I said).
He then goes,
"Let's go check out the Fellowship Hall & we can start
discussing the reception."
We get to the double doors, and I get shoved (literally)
into a large room filled with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN
from my church, as well as my mom.
I was MORTIFIED!!
And angry at DH for not doing something to make
me think I should "look better" - don't ask me what,
but even a clue would have been welcome.
And notice I didn't mention my other FRIENDS
were there, just my mom? That's because DH was
not the most helpful person with the shower planners
regarding which friends to invite.

Also, we adopted our DS at birth, but while we waited
to be chosen we had to make sure to let our
very loving & well-meaning friends and family
understand that a baby shower beforehand
was NOT in our best interest (anything can happen
w/adoption, including heart-breaking disappointment).

Sorry for the long post - I really do appreciate
surprises, but sometimes a TOTAL surprise is
not being fair to the bride or mother to be.

And I do love my DH, I went ahead & married him anyway

 

[poohandwendy]

No, but I think your sister is. I think you two need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, hopefully a calm and rational talk.

I would ask her these questions:

Why did you want to have a say in the guest list of your shower?
Why didn't you want a surprise shower?

Maybe she needs reminded of how she would feel if someone else tried really hard to control her life? I am sure she means well, but I think she is deciding that you don't know what you want, is trying to throw a party based on her wants rather than yours and using your hormones as an excuse to control the situation.

I think this needs addressed even if she does end up not throwing the shower. It is a shame when something so small causes a rift in a family relationship.

Good luck and congrats on the upcoming birth!

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by Froggyswife
[B. I have given showers lots of times before and I never gave a surprise shower never even heard of a surprise shower. Birthday yes shower NO. Not a good idea to surprise a pregnant woman. Stick to your guns girl, you were perfectly right to confront her. [/B]

Thats funny because my first reactoin was "who in the world gets told twhen their shower is"...I have never known any birdal or baby shower to NOT be a surprise, even mine was! And also you never ask the person who's shower it is goign to be who they want invited..you ask the husband or mother or sister/ friend etc...the person gets no say in it since it is a party for them and a surprise it is rude for them to even ask details about it...at least that is how it is around here....

 

[believe]

I think you should just be happy about the shower. If you want it a certain way then you should have someone else throw you the one you want. My husband's best friend's wife asked me to throw her a shower, she even told me not to have it at my house because it wasn't big enough and gave the invite list....I have to say I felt 'obligated' and didn't care to give the shower...especially when she didn't tell me thanks when leaving the shower (just left, not even a good-bye) and handed me a thank you card a week later. I thought she was very ungrateful. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't give her the shower. To me a shower is a gift and should be appreciated no matter how it is given.....it has taken me a long time to realize this and I regret the times I was ungrateful to the givers of my own parties.

When my sister threw my surprise shower DH made sure I was dressed appropriately by saying he was taking me out.

 

[sue1013]

Sorry but I think the OP is unreasonable. I always thought it was wonderful if someone threw you a shower not a entitlement! When I had showers thrown for me I treated it like a gift that I was very lucky to receive. Had I planned it myself it somethings may have been different but I certainly would never let the people that gave the shower know that. How does the OP react when she opens a gift she doesn't like or didn't specifically ask for? Do you complain, get a pout on your face to make the giver feel bad? I think the OP is totally overreacting this is one of those things in 10 years she will look back and see how foolish she behaved. Be glad you have a sister that was willing to do this for you she won't be there forever.