Am I being selfish?

[laliwalden]

I hope this is posted in the right place!!

Okay, I am getting a bonus for work. I have been working away from home for the past 4 months and have 2 months to go. (I have posted about this before)

Anyway, I am getting a decent bonus for this. (I will also be getting a yearly bonus in February around the same time our tax check will come back.)

I want to spend the money on a new window for our front room (which needs replaced badly!!), our airfare for our trip (if it hasnt already been bought) and I want to get myself a new DSLR camera.

My DH does not want me to get the camera. He doesnt really say what he wants to spend the money on. He just says it's too much money for a camera and that he wants another baby. LOL

We are doing okay financially. We do not have any credit card debt. We are paying off some medical bills, but those should be paid off by then. And the only other thing we have is my student loans that I pay on each month.

So, am I being selfish by wanting a new camera? I wanted one last year and he again told me no. So I compromised and bought a new digital camera on Black Friday. But, I really want a DSLR camera and I kinda think this is my chance as this is "free" money that we were not planning on having.

So, tell me what you think!

 

[apnep]

I just asked my DH and he thinks you should get the camera. How much is it? He thinks if the camera is only like $600 then get it, but also, he thinks it would make a good payment on your student loans.

Now, my opinion, I think you deserve to have a camera as well, but, as devil's advocate, I wonder if your DH is feeling left out because you have decided what to do with all the money? Where's his treat? I also agree with my DH that maybe some of that $$ could go to your student loans too.

Good luck with whatever you do and congrats on working hard and getting a bonus!

 

[mrsklamc]

Ok well there's a lot of factors we don't know here like how much the bonus is, how much the camera is, etc....BUT it sounds like DH's logic is a bit flawed to me...cause however expensive the DSLR is, it's not going to TOUCH the price of a baby.

 

[laliwalden]

Ok well there's a lot of factors we don't know here like how much the bonus is, how much the camera is, etc....BUT it sounds like DH's logic is a bit flawed to me...cause however expensive the DSLR is, it's not going to TOUCH the price of a baby.

Okay, the bonus is $2500. The camera I want is around $800. I say around because it depends if it is on sale, if you get an extra lens etc. I will get the best deal I can. I dont necessarily need an extra lens right away, I can wait for that part.

We both said we want another baby and we are going to try after our trip .

I can agree with the PP that he should get something fun too. I am about 95% sure I will have already bought our airfare by then, so that will free up some money. And DH really wants/needs (almost) a new cell phone, maybe I will look into that.

As for paying it on my student loans, I currently pay extra on them, so I don't feel bad by not putting this money towards them.

However, it probably wouldnt be a bad idea to put some of the money into DDs college fund. Does it make me a bad mom that I just now thought of that!!

 

[beansmom]

.cause however expensive the DSLR is, it's not going to TOUCH the price of a baby.

Amen, sistah!!

Personally, I feel like MY bonus money is MY money. With all the OP is putting toward the family with this bonus, I think she's entitled to splurge on herself a little bit.

No offense, OP, but yer DH sounds like a bit of a control freak.

Enjoy YOUR bonus...you worked hard for it.

 

[MommyJack]

I don't think you're being selfish. You've worked hard and deserve to use the bonus on something that will make you happy especially since you are also taking care of a home repair as well. That being said my DH is self employed and doesn't get bonuses, but I do. I usually share any bonus with him. Maybe you should consider something like half the cost of the camera from the bonus and the other half when you get your Feb bonus and DH can do what he wants with the balance of the bonus $.

 

[arihillfarm]

Well, I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. It sounds like you already have one child and that you have been gone for 4 months already with 2 more to go. Your husband has been holding down the home fort while you've been away and without his help, you wouldn't have been able to be away for 6 months to earn this bonus. IMO, it belongs to both of you. Any income in our family (whether expected or not) belongs to the family and each person makes a case for whatever it is that they want or need. With that said, can you sell the camera you have now to apply some funds to the new DSLR? That would show him you're trying to be smart about it and bring down the cost of the camera you really want.

-Astrid

 

[apnep]

Okay, the bonus is $2500. The camera I want is around $800. I say around because it depends if it is on sale, if you get an extra lens etc. I will get the best deal I can. I dont necessarily need an extra lens right away, I can wait for that part.

...Does it make me a bad mom that I just now thought of that!!

No, you're not a bad mom. Sometimes you need a treat.

If I were you, I would not get a camera with kit lenses. I would get the camera body and then a nice 18-105mm. You'll get better range without having to switch the lenses so much. If I had to do all over again, that's how I'd do it. Just get the camera, but you gotta make sure DH is on board and have him communicate what his real issues are with you spending the money the way you want; he needs to be a part of the decision.

 

[fakereadhed]

Not sure how long you've been married, but I've learned that it's not about being right or wrong(i'm always right LOL) it's what will cause the amount of conflict I can deal with. If this is a major issue with your DH it may not be worth it. Sometimes you get more by showing your spouse that you are willing to compromise. How about putting a percentage toward the baby fund and the rest toward the camera?

 

[beansmom]

. Any income in our family (whether expected or not) belongs to the family and each person makes a case for whatever it is that they want or need. -Astrid

I do have to say that I am no longer 'employed' but I do work for my (almost) DH in his medical practice. I don't get paid per se but we do have a deal that I get a certain amount of his quarterly trust fund payments and 25% of the annual bonus he receives. I think everyone needs their 'own' money sometimes that they can spend without having to justify it.

 

[apnep]

Amen, sistah!!

Personally, I feel like MY bonus money is MY money. With all the OP is putting toward the family with this bonus, I think she's entitled to splurge on herself a little bit.

No offense, OP, but yer DH sounds like a bit of a control freak.

Enjoy YOUR bonus...you worked hard for it.

Yes, you SHOULD be able to reward yourself. But, I don't agree with the "MY" at all. I wonder if you, Beansmom, would feel OK if your DH brought home a bonus and you didn't get any of it?

Any money that comes in to the house should be shared because you're a team! I DO think that BOTH parties should get a treat. Otherwise, I think it's just selfishness.

 

[Snowysmom]

I can understand where you are coming from. I am sure you worked hard during these months plus you were away from home and that is tough too. I think using some of your bonus money for something you have been wanting is fine especially since you seem to be in pretty good financial shape. But I do think that DH deserves a treat too as he has been at home keeping things going. Maybe he feels that he should get something he wants too and that is making him say no to the camera? And I guess I wonder why he gets to say no and that is that. Compromise may be the key here. My DH gets a bonus every year and I feel that it is his to do with what he wants. He works hard. He shares it with the family by giving the kids some money and he and I share the rest. We usually bank it but if he wanted a treat I would definitely agree with it. In fact I tell him to buy himself something he has wanted but he wants to bank it for now while the kids are in school.

 

[branv]

Well, I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. It sounds like you already have one child and that you have been gone for 4 months already with 2 more to go. Your husband has been holding down the home fort while you've been away and without his help, you wouldn't have been able to be away for 6 months to earn this bonus. IMO, it belongs to both of you. Any income in our family (whether expected or not) belongs to the family and each person makes a case for whatever it is that they want or need.

ITA. I would also add that as long as you have shared debt, all money incoming is shared.

One thing you haven't answered is, do you guys budget your money in any fashion that gives each of you an "allowance." As in...money you each are given each month that you can spend however and on whatever you want? This goes a long, long way in avoiding money arguments on non-essential spending. If you haven't done this, you should. And if you have, then why not put some of that money aside every time until you can get that camera without it eating into shared funds?

You also don't really seem to get to the heart of why your DH is against spending this money...it's quite possibly not about financial wisdom, kids, etc. Could it be that at heart your DH is feeling afraid, or needing to feel more secure? And then there's also what you're feeling (about him, about money, about control). I think you guys really need to get to the heart of the matter, as knowing what each others real needs are more important than all this external stuff like bonuses and cameras.

 

[laliwalden]

ITA. I would also add that as long as you have shared debt, all money incoming is shared.

One thing you haven't answered is, do you guys budget your money in any fashion that gives each of you an "allowance." As in...money you each are given each month that you can spend however and on whatever you want? This goes a long, long way in avoiding money arguments on non-essential spending. If you haven't done this, you should. And if you have, then why not put some of that money aside every time until you can get that camera without it eating into shared funds?

You also don't really seem to get to the heart of why your DH is against spending this money...it's quite possibly not about financial wisdom, kids, etc. Could it be that at heart your DH is feeling afraid, or needing to feel more secure? And then there's also what you're feeling (about him, about money, about control). I think you guys really need to get to the heart of the matter, as knowing what each others real needs are more important than all this external stuff like bonuses and cameras.

We don't do the "allowance" thing. If we need something or want something, we usually talk about it and buy it when we can. For instance, DH needed new jeans for work, I bought them. He needed them, so they were bought. We don't really spend alot of money on "things".

This is the only item we have ever disagreed on. He had no issue when I bought an IPod touch, even though already had a regular IPod. It is only the camera that he seems to have an issue with.

I love, love, love pictures. I think after everything is over, what do you have? Pictures!! When we got married I spent the most money on our photographer and you can tell by my pics!!

So for me, it is about having nice pics and a nice pic for our memories. I don't think he agrees that you "need" an expensive camera for this. While I agree you dont "need" it, I want it. I don't spend alot of money on myself so I don't think it is unreasonable.

And, I have talked to him about it. What does he want to spend the money on? Is there a deeper issue? Is he jealous I get a bonus and he does not? etc etc. He says no, he just thinks it's too much money for a camera. Period.

Let me explain a little bit about my husband- he is fine with mediocre. He does not care if things are "nice". For instance, I want to get new flooring in the house next year, he says our flooring is fine. While there are no holes or anything in it. It is stained and some of it is horrible color and old. It should be replaced. He thinks it is fine, I want it to be nicer.

 

[clh2]

Well, I guess I'll be the dissenting voice. It sounds like you already have one child and that you have been gone for 4 months already with 2 more to go. Your husband has been holding down the home fort while you've been away and without his help, you wouldn't have been able to be away for 6 months to earn this bonus. IMO, it belongs to both of you. Any income in our family (whether expected or not) belongs to the family and each person makes a case for whatever it is that they want or need. With that said, can you sell the camera you have now to apply some funds to the new DSLR? That would show him you're trying to be smart about it and bring down the cost of the camera you really want.

-Astrid

I agree with this totally.

You should sit down together to discuss how the bonus should be spent/saved. And - if you decide to pay off bills - that is one thing, and totally the decision of both of you. BUT - if there is any money left for "fun" things, It should be split, evenly.

And...I'll even go so far as being a Debbie Downer here - is the $2500 your expected bonus after taxes or before taxes? Becuase if that is the "before-taxes" a mount -- expect for 50% to be gone for taxes. They'll ding you for social security/medicare, state taxes, possibly 401K contributions - if you currently have deductions for those, and I believe the IRS assess a 40% on bonuses. So - while your bonuse might be $2500, you'll be lucky to get $1250 after the deductions.

Now - I absolutely wish I could have a camera like that...so I totally see that specific "wish".

 

[laliwalden]

I agree with this totally.

You should sit down together to discuss how the bonus should be spent/saved. And - if you decide to pay off bills - that is one thing, and totally the decision of both of you. BUT - if there is any money left for "fun" things, It should be split, evenly.

And...I'll even go so far as being a Debbie Downer here - is the $2500 your expected bonus after taxes or before taxes? Becuase if that is the "before-taxes" a mount -- expect for 50% to be gone for taxes. They'll ding you for social security/medicare, state taxes, possibly 401K contributions - if you currently have deductions for those, and I believe the IRS assess a 40% on bonuses. So - while your bonuse might be $2500, you'll be lucky to get $1250 after the deductions.

Now - I absolutely wish I could have a camera like that...so I totally see that specific "wish".

No, the $2500 is what I expect after taxes, give or take.

 

[beansmom]

Yes, you SHOULD be able to reward yourself. But, I don't agree with the "MY" at all. I wonder if you, Beansmom, would feel OK if your DH brought home a bonus and you didn't get any of it?

Any money that comes in to the house should be shared because you're a team! I DO think that BOTH parties should get a treat. Otherwise, I think it's just selfishness.

Ap, perhaps I didn't word it correctly (and I DID add a second post)...I did NOT like it when I had no 'income' of my own and that's why DH and I struck the bargain that I get a certain amount of allowance to call my own. Up to that point, DH's pay was the only income we had...and while he has never said a word otherwise, i always feel as if i'm spending 'his' money. He's a Quicken maniac and puts in every penny and I like to have a few dollars of 'milk money' that I don't have to bring a receipt to turn in to Mr. Accounting.

So, I guess I think OP is entitled to a portion of her bonus as long as she's not making her family suffer or be deprived by it...and she IS planning to share the wealth by buying airfaire for their Disney trip.

 

[hambirg]

Well. . .I can understand your DH's point of view. I'm kind of that way myself. Lately I've been wanting new matching mixing bowls for the kitchen. But then I thought. . .why? The unmatching ones I currently have work fine and have for years. I just think he figures you bought a new digital camera last year and it works and takes fairly decent pictures, no? So you don't really need a new expensive camera. Are there things that he feels your family needs before buying a new camera? I also fully understand that you want one. I think your DH might come around if you put it off a bit. . .show that you are trying to find the best deal. Even suggest that it can be your Christmas present or birthday present. After all, you will need a present for Christmas or your birthday.

 

[mrsklamc]

This goes way deeper than his/hers or any one specific purchase. You guys need a budget, period. It needs to include savings/retirement, do we have enough insurance, and a will, and saving for college for DD. Might not hurt to look at how much interest you'll pay over the lifetime of the student loans. Sounds like you guys are kinda taking life a it comes, which is fine until the day it all attacks you at once.

 

[swilshire]

Never mind. Misread the original post.

Sheila