Am I being selfish?

[laliwalden]

This goes way deeper than his/hers or any one specific purchase. You guys need a budget, period. It needs to include savings/retirement, do we have enough insurance, and a will, and saving for college for DD. Might not hurt to look at how much interest you'll pay over the lifetime of the student loans. Sounds like you guys are kinda taking life a it comes, which is fine until the day it all attacks you at once.

Who said we don't have savings and retirement?

We do have both. And a college fund for DD. Insurance, yeah we could probably use more. And we are slacking on a will.

I said we don't do the "allowance" thing. Please don't assume we are not saving for our future based on one thing.

 

[mrsklamc]

Who said we don't have savings and retirement?

We do have both. And a college fund for DD. Insurance, yeah we could probably use more. And we are slacking on a will.

I said we don't do the "allowance" thing. Please don't assume we are not saving for our future based on one thing.

Oh, sorry. I did assume, based on the fact that you said something about it just occurring to you to put away some for your daughter's college, that you had not done that previously.

I tend to be heavy handed on stuff like this, and am not apologetic about it. One year ago, I had 'some life insurance but could probably use more.' I kid you not, the week before I was going to talk to the insurance agent- cancer, even though I was in my 20s and no prior history of being sick at all. Guess who is uninsurable now? My stepfather was putting off a will, too- and was murdered in April, leaving my mother in a horrible legal mess.

But I'm WAY far off my point, which was originally, hopefully a budget can be developed that both you and DH agree on, and then there don't have to be disagreements about where bonuses go- it's already in the 'plan.' And as an aside- personally, I think babies are exactly WHY you should buy a digital SLR. You'll never get those moments back.

 

[laliwalden]

Oh, sorry. I did assume, based on the fact that you said something about it just occurring to you to put away some for your daughter's college, that you had not done that previously.

I tend to be heavy handed on stuff like this, and am not apologetic about it. One year ago, I had 'some life insurance but could probably use more.' I kid you not, the week before I was going to talk to the insurance agent- cancer, even though I was in my 20s and no prior history of being sick at all. Guess who is uninsurable now? My stepfather was putting off a will, too- and was murdered in April, leaving my mother in a horrible legal mess.

But I'm WAY far off my point, which was originally, hopefully a budget can be developed that both you and DH agree on, and then there don't have to be disagreements about where bonuses go- it's already in the 'plan.' And as an aside- personally, I think babies are exactly WHY you should buy a digital SLR. You'll never get those moments back.

I do understand what you are saying. The college fund is something I put money into in large chunks. My bonus last year, all of it went into her account. So, I do admit, I tend to forget about it. But, she has a good start so far.

And the insurance and will, I totally get.

The whole budget thing, we have a budget for bills, the rest we decide kinda on the fly. So, if we have say $500 left each month, we would put half in savings, the rest into our checkng for the next months entertainment.

I know we are not perfect, who is? We have made mistakes financially, but we learned from them and are doing sooo much better. Our bills are paid on time and we have savings, which is alot different than we were 2 years ago.

 

[clh2]

No, the $2500 is what I expect after taxes, give or take.

Awesome!!! Sometimes - people do not have a clue why their bonus checks are so "small" incomparison to the bonus amount.

 

[apnep]

Ap, perhaps I didn't word it correctly (and I DID add a second post)...I did NOT like it when I had no 'income' of my own and that's why DH and I struck the bargain that I get a certain amount of allowance to call my own. Up to that point, DH's pay was the only income we had...and while he has never said a word otherwise, i always feel as if i'm spending 'his' money.

Ah, well, whether you are bringing home a check or not, you are contributing to helping run the household. I'm of the "what's mine is your's and what's your's is mine" school of thought. I always tend to think of things as a team effort. I'd like to be of the 'what's your's is mine, and what's mine is mine' thought but he'd never let me get away with it. !

 

[TinknBellesMom]

Perhaps you should tell your Dh that you need a DSLR camera for new baby photos. Plus you should get it sooner rather than later so that by the time the baby is here, you'll be able to take great pictures.

I feel you on the DSLR camera though. I've been wanting one forever and I still don't have one. *sigh* Maybe someday.

 

[Kate and Pete]

We don't do the "allowance" thing. If we need something or want something, we usually talk about it and buy it when we can. For instance, DH needed new jeans for work, I bought them. He needed them, so they were bought. We don't really spend alot of money on "things".

This is the only item we have ever disagreed on. He had no issue when I bought an IPod touch, even though already had a regular IPod. It is only the camera that he seems to have an issue with.

I love, love, love pictures. I think after everything is over, what do you have? Pictures!! When we got married I spent the most money on our photographer and you can tell by my pics!!

So for me, it is about having nice pics and a nice pic for our memories. I don't think he agrees that you "need" an expensive camera for this. While I agree you dont "need" it, I want it. I don't spend alot of money on myself so I don't think it is unreasonable.

And, I have talked to him about it. What does he want to spend the money on? Is there a deeper issue? Is he jealous I get a bonus and he does not? etc etc. He says no, he just thinks it's too much money for a camera. Period.

Let me explain a little bit about my husband- he is fine with mediocre. He does not care if things are "nice". For instance, I want to get new flooring in the house next year, he says our flooring is fine. While there are no holes or anything in it. It is stained and some of it is horrible color and old. It should be replaced. He thinks it is fine, I want it to be nicer.

I totally get this! I'm a teacher, and I choose to spend the summer working with a private chef (prepping, cooking, serving, and bar tending!). I make VERY good money doing that, and I consider all that money "mine." I may choose to put some of it in the account (this year I'm putting about half of it into an account for Disney, but my DH doesn't "expect" that I do this) but I don't "have" to. I normally use this money to buy "back to school" clothes or some expensive item I've been wanting (this year, it's clothes and a new tattoo!!!).

My DH collects guns. Sometimes he sells them. When he makes a profit (he always does!), that money is "his." Even if he used "our" money to repair it. He does whatever he likes with it - most of the time, it's to buy a "bigger and better" gun. It doesn't matter to me.

Look, we all need to be individuals even as a part of a "team." DH and I have always been very clear that there's an "us" and an individual. That's just how we operate in our marriage!

Good luck to whatever's best for YOU and your DH!

 

[apnep]

I totally get this! I'm a teacher, and I choose to spend the summer working with a private chef (prepping, cooking, serving, and bar tending!).

Hey, that sounds like fun!!

 

[hereyago]

So, you all ready want a portion to go for a new window for the house, airfare for the family trip? That is contributing to the family and to the house, get your camera.

 

[Kate and Pete]

Hey, that sounds like fun!!

It is! It's nice to do something that's more physically demanding!

 

[TinkerMouse]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. It sounds like your husband is being controlling. Especially since you listened to him last time and put off the camera, the least he could do is be ok with you getting it this time. It's YOUR bonus therefore YOU get to make the decision of what to do with it, unless of course you told him what he could and could not do with his last bonus. You are within your rights to do what you want with your money, especially since you took his advice about the camera last time and he still won't give you a better idea for what to do with the money.

 

[luvthemouse71]

I totally get this! I'm a teacher, and I choose to spend the summer working with a private chef (prepping, cooking, serving, and bar tending!). I make VERY good money doing that, and I consider all that money "mine." I may choose to put some of it in the account (this year I'm putting about half of it into an account for Disney, but my DH doesn't "expect" that I do this) but I don't "have" to. I normally use this money to buy "back to school" clothes or some expensive item I've been wanting (this year, it's clothes and a new tattoo!!!).

My DH collects guns. Sometimes he sells them. When he makes a profit (he always does!), that money is "his." Even if he used "our" money to repair it. He does whatever he likes with it - most of the time, it's to buy a "bigger and better" gun. It doesn't matter to me.

Look, we all need to be individuals even as a part of a "team." DH and I have always been very clear that there's an "us" and an individual. That's just how
we operate in our marriage!

Good luck to whatever's best for YOU and your DH!

I agree..nothing wrong with not being joined at the hip(and wallet)100 percent.I have to admit, I cringe when I see post on here by women saying they asked their husbands permission for something. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate men, not by a long shot. But, it would be a cold day in hell before I asked my spouse for permission. Especially when I work and make my own money. Of course, I can see putting some into the family account but nothing wrong with having your own account as well. That's what I do.


Ok, back to the topic, OP, you can find good entry level DSLRs for under $800. Pentax makes a nice one. The photography board may be of some help.

 

[Dismom55]

After being married for nearly 38 yrs I will give you my 2 cents worth and you can take it or leave it.

All money that comes into the house is joint money, that being said I do have a separate Disney checking account. I give myself a set $$ amount for lunches and gas for work. If I have money left, that is part of what goes into my Disney acct. I too get a bonus, but it goes into the general kitty. I do other things to build my Disney acct, rebates from groceries etc. If there is to be a large purchase (anything over $50 is large to us), we discuss it and come up with either a plan or compromise. I want something he does not think I need, I save in other places, once I have the extra money saved that he did not expect, I tell him I have been scrimping and saving and have the extra money to purchase the item and it is on sale, he NEVER tells me NO, he almost always agrees that since I have saved the money, the bills are paid and on time, why not. IF ever he felt otherwise, I can only hope he would tell me he did not agree with the purchase, but to do as I wanted.

I believe a marriage is based on respect for the other persons opinion and money is not spent without agreement. That being said, I do usually get what I want that I know we can afford.

 

[Cooky]

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[mjkacmom]

I agree..nothing wrong with not being joined at the hip(and wallet)100 percent.I have to admit, I cringe when I see post on here by women saying they asked their husbands permission for something. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate men, not by a long shot. But, it would be a cold day in hell before I asked my spouse for permission. Especially when I work and make my own money. Of course, I can see putting some into the family account but nothing wrong with having your own account as well. That's what I do.


Ok, back to the topic, OP, you can find good entry level DSLRs for under $800. Pentax makes a nice one. The photography board may be of some help.

I don't make any money, and consider DH's bonus mine as well. I don't ask permission for anything - if anything, he does, because I manage our finances, and know what we can afford at the time. He's never drop $800 on something without clearing it with me first, and would never feel entitled because he earned the money. We are a team.

 

[MommyJack]

One thing that DH and I agreed upon before we got married (12 years ago) was a "fun money" account for both of us. We each get a set amount each paycheck that goes into that account. We both also have a separate credit card for purchases that are for each of us individually. DH is a musician and buys and sells musical equipment all the time on ebay. I stay out of it. If he wants a new guitar and can afford it, or wants to put it on his credit card and pay if off over time, that's up to him. I on the other hand am into technology, I have purchased computers, digital cameras and ipods, without his consent. We trust each other to be responsible with our individual credit cards. I feel that this system has avoided many arguments and hard feelings over the years. We do consult each other on what we call "house" purchases, but I like that I can buy a new pair of shoes or go out to diner with friends without guilt. I also like that I don't have to evaluate my husband's purchases to see if they're worthy of spending the money. Quite frankly, if I did have a say in what he bought, he wouldn't have anything.

I would recommend this system to any couple, provided there is mutual trust and fiscal responsibility. I know for my marriage it was probably one of the most mature premarital decisions that we made.

 

[karice2]

I can agree with the PP that he should get something fun too.

Single person here but just want to add my two. Why does your husband deserve something extra with your bonus? I understand that it is joint money in a household but sometimes, you have to keep something for yourself. Get the camera take awesome pictures with it and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

As my grandma would say, you never want to deal with someone who does all that they can to make your wishes and dreams feel smaller than theirs. If it were me, I would go out and blow half of the bonus on my sheer fabulousness. You are not in financial trouble, don't have a lot of debt and want something that is less than 1/3 of the total bonus. Get your camera and no your husband doesn't deserve something extra from your bonus. Maybe add a little extra to the communal pot but IMO, he is being a big baby about this.

 

[aceys_h0ney]

I don't think you wanting a little something extra is selfish. I wanted to suggest a different approach to buying the camera though. How about Ebay? My husband got an awesome DLSR for almost half the price new and it included a lot of extras that would have added up. The camera is in perfect condition and he is in love. If you can spend less on it then you have more for a baby fund or fun fund for husband so he does not feel left out. With good research and a good seller you could walk away saving hundreds! I agree that you deserve something for working so hard away from your family but husband also should get something out of it for being home alone for months.

Whenever we have extra money we try and make sure both parties are happy with the purchase(s). Last time husband had a nice little bonus he got dirt bikes and I got an extra Disney trip for the year ; )

 

[cluvsdisney]

So, you all ready want a portion to go for a new window for the house, airfare for the family trip? That is contributing to the family and to the house, get your camera.

OP, I don't think you are being selfish at all. And this statement kept running through my head as I read all the responses that stated he should get something fun too or the money should go towards the family.

DH & I have a budget based on our regular salaries but we treat bonuses separately since it is essentially found money. We each get a bonus of some sort about once a year or less and it is up to him/me to decide what to do with it. We both tend to split them in the same way the OP has described - something towards the home, something for the family, something for yourself.

 

[dimimi]

I don't think you are being selfish and I think you and your husband have a great handle on your money. However, keeping that in mind, perhaps your husband thinks that you should pay off the school loans before you buy the camera? I know a lot of people that don't spend money if they owe money. (I work more like you!....but I know there are people that think there should be limited extras when you owe money)

I agree with you that the camera is a passion of yours and you will use it...especially with 2 young children! I didn't know what the camera was, so I looked it up on Amazon. I did see cameras for about $300 - $800. Could you spend a little less, like keep it under $500?

In our home, and we've been married over 18 years, the money all goes together. When my husband gets a bonus, the money is spent for the family. (I'm a teacher, so no bonuses for me) If I know he really wants something, we buy it for a gift. For example, he got an I Pad for Father's Day...no he didn't need it, but he really wanted one.