Advice please? Stubborn dad!

[Vernie822]

This is a vent but it's also a "what do I do??"

My parents are great. They have always provided for us the best they can. As kids things were great until my dad lost his job when I was in 6th grade. I am the oldest of 5 kids. This was 12 years ago. My mom stayed home with us kids while my dad worked. He worked in sales and marketing and unfortunately his large company merged with another and he lost his job.

My mom went back to work just part time and then full time. My dad is a very caring person. However, he and mom are 9 years apart. He was raised in the 50's, she in the 60's. Her view is a little less "old school" than his and they disagree on things at times.

My Dad was on again off again with work for years. He never found anything that was as great as his previous job was. At one point he worked for a good company for 3 years and was cut due to layoffs again.

Fast forward to 2014. I am 24 and living on my own. Paid for all of my own college expenses and worked through college. My parents supported me as much as possible but we both knew what they could give me and what they couldn't. And I understood that. My parents never made finances their kids problem - how it should be - but also didn't spoil us rotten when they knew they couldn't. My mom has a good job working in student financial at a large university nearby. My brother goes there for free and my sister is on a full ride at a really good state university.

Now to the reason I'm writing this.

My dad had a quadruple heart bypass in April 1996. My sister was born 2 weeks later. My dad has been a smoker for as long as I can remember. You would think that having a quadruple bypass at the age of 43 would make you stop smoking. It hasn't. His parents both died in their 40's and 50's. My dad is now 61. His two sisters are in ok health. No major illnesses or issues. My dad is thin - about 5'10" and 175 lbs.

My dad, this spring, had a stent put into his heart. He had been working for a company in sales and lost his job. It was a combination of them having to make cuts, and my dad's mannerisms with the people there. My dad often gets overlooked for positions. He's given sales or marketing positions, because what company wants to hire a 61 year old into management, especially when they haven't really held a management position in 12 years.

Now- I fully understand and accept that my dad probably opens his mouth when he shouldn't. It's never rude, inappropriate, or angry, but he is kind of a know it all. I agree that maybe he needs to keep quiet at times, but that's probably hard for someone with so much experience. He is constantly turned down for positions. My mom thinks part of the reason he was let go is because of his age. This happened in February.

After he lost his job, he had the stent placed. He had not seen the doctor in 15 years!!!! Any time I would ask him to go, he would tell me not to worry. My dad is the type to never ask his children to make his problems their problem. But I'm not a child. I'm 24!

My Dad started keeping up with exercising. He hates vegetables and survives on "the 3 p's" pizza pasta potatoes.

I'm worried about him. He went to the dermatologist and the eye doctor, and they say he is fine. He lost some hair and was bruising easily. The dermatologist gave him a prescription and they said a lot of that was from the blood thinners he is on. He is finally taking his medicine and seeing a doctor regularly.

He however will NOT quit smoking! He told me tonight about how my mom and his sisters are on him, and he said "all the doctor ever tells me is, you look fine, now quit smoking, eat better, and exercise!!"

Yeah- none of that's happening. He got a new job, thankfully, but my dad, who has a college degree, is only being offered door to door sales positions. Something he is way overqualified for, but he just doesn't like sitting in an office. Therefore, he's not happy at his current job and he's not making much. But, I'm worried about him sitting at home bored to death!

My mom is increasingly frustrated. I am increasingly scared. Both she and I can only harp on him so much before he just has to do it! But he's so stubborn that he won't. I'm just afraid he won't be around for much longer. It's something I hate thinking about.

We just lost my moms brother to cancer a month ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and died less than three weeks later. This really was a huge wake up call to me, but my dad is so strong willed in his opinion that he just won't budge.

Anyone have any advice on what to say or how to deal?!
If you made it this far... THank you so much for reading.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My mom has smoked since she was 12.

Through my childhood, we have asked her to stop. We even did things to sabotage her smoking (like busting the pack of cigarettes). When I was 18c I declined to purchase them for her. She has "quit" so many times. Her mom dying of emphysema was of little impact to her in regard to smoking.

So I gave up. I have determined that a lung ailment will likely cause her death and I guesstimate that will be in her early 60s like her mom.

Tobacco addiction is awful and it takes the will of the person to quit. Other people demanding it isn't going to do it.

No need to cause yourself stress over it. It was around your age that I accepted reality. My mom has no desire to quit. And your dad doesn't seem to either. I think you need to make it a point to love your dad but understand he can make his own decisions and just enjoy life with him while he is living.

I am sorry that I do not have better advice on how to get him to need your wishes.

 

[low-key]

Sometimes us dads are just that way, the best thing you could do is privately tell him how much you love him and still need him in your life

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is a vent but it's also a "what do I do??"

My parents are great. They have always provided for us the best they can. As kids things were great until my dad lost his job when I was in 6th grade. I am the oldest of 5 kids. This was 12 years ago. My mom stayed home with us kids while my dad worked. He worked in sales and marketing and unfortunately his large company merged with another and he lost his job.

My mom went back to work just part time and then full time. My dad is a very caring person. However, he and mom are 9 years apart. He was raised in the 50's, she in the 60's. Her view is a little less "old school" than his and they disagree on things at times.

My Dad was on again off again with work for years. He never found anything that was as great as his previous job was. At one point he worked for a good company for 3 years and was cut due to layoffs again.

Fast forward to 2014. I am 24 and living on my own. Paid for all of my own college expenses and worked through college. My parents supported me as much as possible but we both knew what they could give me and what they couldn't. And I understood that. My parents never made finances their kids problem - how it should be - but also didn't spoil us rotten when they knew they couldn't. My mom has a good job working in student financial at a large university nearby. My brother goes there for free and my sister is on a full ride at a really good state university.

Now to the reason I'm writing this.

My dad had a quadruple heart bypass in April 1996. My sister was born 2 weeks later. My dad has been a smoker for as long as I can remember. You would think that having a quadruple bypass at the age of 43 would make you stop smoking. It hasn't. His parents both died in their 40's and 50's. My dad is now 61. His two sisters are in ok health. No major illnesses or issues. My dad is thin - about 5'10" and 175 lbs.

My dad, this spring, had a stent put into his heart. He had been working for a company in sales and lost his job. It was a combination of them having to make cuts, and my dad's mannerisms with the people there. My dad often gets overlooked for positions. He's given sales or marketing positions, because what company wants to hire a 61 year old into management, especially when they haven't really held a management position in 12 years.

Now- I fully understand and accept that my dad probably opens his mouth when he shouldn't. It's never rude, inappropriate, or angry, but he is kind of a know it all. I agree that maybe he needs to keep quiet at times, but that's probably hard for someone with so much experience. He is constantly turned down for positions. My mom thinks part of the reason he was let go is because of his age. This happened in February.

After he lost his job, he had the stent placed. He had not seen the doctor in 15 years!!!! Any time I would ask him to go, he would tell me not to worry. My dad is the type to never ask his children to make his problems their problem. But I'm not a child. I'm 24!

My Dad started keeping up with exercising. He hates vegetables and survives on "the 3 p's" pizza pasta potatoes.

I'm worried about him. He went to the dermatologist and the eye doctor, and they say he is fine. He lost some hair and was bruising easily. The dermatologist gave him a prescription and they said a lot of that was from the blood thinners he is on. He is finally taking his medicine and seeing a doctor regularly.

He however will NOT quit smoking! He told me tonight about how my mom and his sisters are on him, and he said "all the doctor ever tells me is, you look fine, now quit smoking, eat better, and exercise!!"

Yeah- none of that's happening. He got a new job, thankfully, but my dad, who has a college degree, is only being offered door to door sales positions. Something he is way overqualified for, but he just doesn't like sitting in an office. Therefore, he's not happy at his current job and he's not making much. But, I'm worried about him sitting at home bored to death!

My mom is increasingly frustrated. I am increasingly scared. Both she and I can only harp on him so much before he just has to do it! But he's so stubborn that he won't. I'm just afraid he won't be around for much longer. It's something I hate thinking about.

We just lost my moms brother to cancer a month ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and died less than three weeks later. This really was a huge wake up call to me, but my dad is so strong willed in his opinion that he just won't budge.

Anyone have any advice on what to say or how to deal?!
If you made it this far... THank you so much for reading.

I hear how scared you are about his situation.

People quit doing things when they are ready and not a day sooner. It is just one of those facts of life.

 

[Pamlur]

The only way a smoker is going to stop smoking is if he/she decides it is time to stop. Been there, done that.

 

[minkydog]

Tobacco addiction is awful and it takes the will of the person to quit. Other people demanding it isn't going to do it...

...I think you need to make it a point to love your dad but understand he can make his own decisions and just enjoy life with him while he is living.

Vernie, this is the best advice you could get. No one can make your dad quit smoking--not you, not your mom, not the doctors, nobody. Your dad has to want to quit smoking more than he wants to keep smoking. Most smokers find it extraordinarily hard to give up nicotine. It is a true addiction, some say worse than heroin.

What you can do is love him. Just drop the nagging. You're afraid he won't live long--do you really want to make your time together negative and frustrating to you both? Just love your dad. He is more than his smoking. When you see he wants to exercise, ask if you can join him. Just talk together and don't bring up smoking AT ALL. If he brings it up you can tell him briefly that you worry about his health because smoking has so many bad effects on the body. Then DROP IT. Don't make him dread doing things with you because he knows he's just going to get more nagging.

I know you're worried. My mom is 80 now and not taking care of her health. I am very worried about her, but I have to keep it on the down-low. My mother and your father are grown adults who have been taking care of themselves and everyone else for a lot of years. We can't just go in there willy-nilly trying to change them to something that satisfies us. I wouldn't want my mother to do that to me and I'm sure you wouldn't want your father to do that to you.

Just love him.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I have a similar dad. I'm also quite a bit older than you so I've been dealing with it a little longer. Here's what I've learned:

You can't change him and it's not worth fighting over. Enjoy him for who he is and accept his flaws (as he likely does yours). It's not worth arguing about the eating healthy or smoking because it just creates resentment. He's an adult and knows he should be doing things differently. For whatever reason, he chooses not to.


My grandmother LOVED smoking. She started smoking when she was 12. She died of lung cancer at 73. It was really tough on everyone. The thing is, her twin sister who didn't smoke, died of a different type of cancer less than a year later. There's just too many things that can happen to waste the time you have with love ones arguing about smoking.

 

[mnrose]

My Dad was a lifelong smoker. He HAD to quit (and it wasn't pretty) when he was no longer able to live on his own. (My mother died over 25 years ago, so he lived alone after that). Here's a fact: it is very difficult, if not impossible, to find either an assisted living or nursing home which accepts smokers. So, he quit, with the help of a patch.

But absent that incentive, he'd still be smoking. There was nothing any of us could say to change his mind.

 

[Vernie822]

I have a similar dad. I'm also quite a bit older than you so I've been dealing with it a little longer. Here's what I've learned: You can't change him and it's not worth fighting over. Enjoy him for who he is and accept his flaws (as he likely does yours). It's not worth arguing about the eating healthy or smoking because it just creates resentment. He's an adult and knows he should be doing things differently. For whatever reason, he chooses not to. My grandmother LOVED smoking. She started smoking when she was 12. She died of lung cancer at 73. It was really tough on everyone. The thing is, her twin sister who didn't smoke, died of a different type of cancer less than a year later. There's just too many things that can happen to waste the time you have with love ones arguing about smoking.

Thank you, everyone for your responses. This particular one stuck with me. They all did!

Regardless I will love my dad. Regardless of his smoking or eating habits or stubborn attitude he is still my dad and I appreciate all he has done for me!

I just hate seeing him and my mom so stressed about everything. Truthfully, two years out of college and my salary is probably about what they make combined. Given I work in a competitive field but it just makes me feel guilty.

I try my hardest not to nag but I totally see where you're all coming from. That he would be apprehensive to hang out or talk with me for fear of being nagged! I will continue to support him as best as I can!

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I truly appreciate them!! My dad means the world to me!!

 

[diznygirl]

You know there is nothing you can do to change your dad. And not to be snarky, but please make sure your father has life insurance. Your mother should be taken care of if anything were to happen.

My dad had heart surgery over a year ago, hasn't seen a dr. since. At least he quit smoking. But he figures the surgery "cured" him.

And this is good advice:

Sometimes us dads are just that way, the best thing you could do is privately tell him how much you love him and still need him in your life

 

[Vernie822]

Thanks! I actually work at a Life insurance company. I see death claims regularly and it's scary. So no worries, I have double checked on Mom and made sure she has something!

Many people don't realize how important it is to have that kind of coverage!!

 

[diznygirl]

Thanks! I actually work at a Life insurance company. I see death claims regularly and it's scary. So no worries, I have double checked on Mom and made sure she has something!

Many people don't realize how important it is to have that kind of coverage!!

We learned the hard way with DH's dad. Another stubborn one - what is it with dads?

 

[worm761]

We just went through this with my dad. A couple years ago he caught the flu. He was so sick, he didn't smoke for 2 weeks. When he felt better, he decided he just wouldn't smoke anymore since he hadn't for so long. Then about 2 months later, he went on an extended visit with my sister and brother in law. They smoke. Long story short, he came home a smoker once again. I quit smoking 8 years ago come New Year. Even though he only smoked in his room, my house smelled of smoke. DH and I got tired of it. We bought him an e-cig. We knew he would not spend that kind of money on his own so we did. Didn't ask him. Just brought it how. DH showed him how to use, fill it, care for it. And I got all excited about how little it was going to cost him to "smoke". Now, he gets his nicotine fix and I get a house without smoke. Maybe not the healthiest thing in the world but I figure it has to be better than the crap they put in actual cigarettes.

 

[Disney Doll]

You're not going to make him do something he doesn't want to do. So stop trying.

None of us know how much time we have left. Your dad could have 20 years or he could drop dead in 10 minutes. Heck, you could have 60 years or drop dead in 10 minutes. My point is, do you want whatever time is left with him to be marred by nagging and him being uncomfortable/exasperated?

As far as the job situation, if you read what you wrote, dad probably bears some responsibility for his job woes. A "know it all" type personality is quite irritating in the working world.

I would do as a PP said and make sure that both mom and dad have a life insurance policy so that if something happens to either of them, the other has some money to smooth the way after the loss of income.

 

[Kellydelly]

You can't change people, especially at your dad's age. Heart patients smoke, diabetics eat too many carbs and sugar. People just don't take care of themselves ! You don't have the power to make your dad do the right or healthy thing. I don't think anything you say will change his bad habits, even if you cried and told him you don't want to lose him.

It seems like all the kids are almost on their own and should be able to take care of themselves financially in the near future. Your mom isn't sitting home with young children and an underemployed husband. She is taking care of business on her end. Let your dad figure out his path. Not everyone has the "perfect life." Maybe he is ok with how things are. You can't give him a better personality or a better job .

Don't burden yourself with your parent's issues and obligations .

 

[mjkacmom]

That was my dad, except he lost his very well paying job in his 50's. He had a college degree from an Ivy, and his MBA. He never got a position like that again (worked for the company for over 20 years) - ended up in real estate. Fortunately, I still had college paid for, as did my sister. My mom ended up working part time, and then full time.

He finally quit smoking when my first child was born. That's what it took. As a former smoker, he's not being stubborn - it's VERY hard to stop smoking. I've begged my kids never to even try it (and so far, so good). My mom used to smoke, too, and quit.

So, I'm not saying to get pregnant, but to let you know there is still hope. I find that grandchildren bring out the best in people.

 

[cassandrap83]

My advice on how to deal with it is to accept that he will die young. He won't stop smoking until he WANTS to or until he HAS to. There's nothing you can do to change that.

It is a sad condition to watch our parents slowly kill themselves, but there isn't much you can do. You can continue to urge him to quit, but don't ever cut yourself off from him or create a rift in your relationship.

My father passed away 5 months ago. It was his drinking that eventually killed him. We told him to stop, his doctors told him to stop - he just didn't. And, after years in and out of the hospital for drinking-related illnesses (Liver cirrhosis, puking blood...etc) he finally went in and didn't come out.

I knew this day would come. It didn't make it easier to accept his death, but it was something I could reflect on and talk about to others.

I have your dad in my thoughts. Don't ever stop showing him love and support. Hopefully one day he will quit on his own.

 

[disney212]

Sorry you have to go through this. My dad is also very stubborn about things so I understand. If it offers any consolation my great grandfather smoked almost 2 packs a day. He lived to be 98 with no health issues at all, died in his sleep at home. That is not saying that smoking is ok by any means but not all smokers die ill and young.

 

[Luvchefmic]

All you can do is love your Dad. Make every minute count, make memories, take pictures. Don't mention the smoking. He is an adult he knows what he is doing.

 

[lakelandgal70]

I am very sorry that you are having to go through all this. Unfortunately your dad is the one that will want to stop smoking. My mom and sis both are smokers and even though the doctors have told my sis numerous times she has to quit due to her lupus she won't. And my mom never goes to the doctor. She refuses. I honestly don't understand that line of thinking but her health isn't all that great. I really hope your dad comes to realize that it would be best for his health to stop smoking. Does your state have any type of programs for smokers? We live in Florida and they have free patches and counselling. At least that is what my sis told me.