Advice needed - 13yr old boy/girl party trouble

[mjkacmom]

Well, the type of parent I am of course I would ask. It goes both ways though, if you're going to have someone's children in your home full disclosure is part of the deal. Are you saying that when you have other children in your home you don't feel obligated to let the other parents know the agenda? Yep, my job to ask but it's your job to tell. It goes both ways, when you have someone elses kids under your supervision you take on their safety. There should be no mis-communication on the front IMHO. I'd much prefer a mutual respect for each others parenting style. I'll agree to disagree with you but I can't imagine letting my kid hang out where the parents don't feel they need to let me in on what's happening.

When dd13 goes over her friends' homes, she makes the plans - I never speak to the parents. Her bff's mom is a good friend of mine, so we talk about things when we see each other, but do not call each other regarding specific plans. If I care to know if boys are going to be there, I'll ask my dd. If she lies, she's in big trouble (and her bff is the type of kid who tells her mother EVERYTHING).

Sometimes dd13 wants to invite her friends over, and I'll have to leave the house during that time. I let her know to tell her friends to tell their parents that they will be alone for a little while.

 

[ICF]

While it might be expected that it would be co-ed at that age, IMO, it still should have been stated as such and a fair amount of supervision been being done.

If you have a group of 'children' over at your house YOU are responsible for ensuring that things are kept in check and ensuring that nothing that shouldnt be going on is happening.

 

[KandD]

I guess I am in the minority here, I don't think the OP did anything wrong by not initially picking DD up. From what I gather from the post (and I could be assuming...you know what assuming does!) Her DD asks to come home a lot and I don't think OP was told the reason why DD was uncomfortable. Only later did she find out about the boys.
When I was young I NEVER called my mom to come pick me up from anywhere, I could stay at friends' houses for days if she let me! But the one time I did call she knew something was up. I had a friend who called her mom pretty much anytime she went to a sleepover, sometimes the mom picked her up, sometimes she made her stick it out.
Back to OP, you are lucky to have a daughter who recognized that she was in a bad situation. Most 13 year olds would not have "told" or even have come home. With that said, there are going to be PLENTY of more instances like this as she gets older so I think it is important for you to let her know that she did the right thing and even though I don't think you were wrong in not picking her up initially, I do think you should apologize and let her know that if you knew why she was uncomfortable you would have picked her up.
As far as the friendship goes, it seems like it has run its course. Between elementary and high school a lot of friends come and go as kids mature at different rates, get into different activities, etc. You can stay friends with mom but that doesn't mean the girls have to be as friendly as they once were.

 

[clarabelle]

See ... I read it that the kids knew when she was coming down the stairs because they had a look out or they could hear her coming down the stairs. I am sure that the mom did not say: "I'm coming down at 8:35 and again at 10:03.".

So, you would recommend tip-toeing down the stairs? Or marrying a cop? Or both? Too late for the cop part, so I need to start working on my tip-toeing skills.

Maybe the mom of the friend thinks her kid is a "special snowflake". Or, maybe she just didn't want to be confronted the very next day during her DD's family birthday party.

I would have found a different activity instead of just "hanging around"
movies
bowling
swimming
scavenger hunt

Something besides "just being in the basement"

 

[wenrob]

Are you asking if when my dd or ds's have their friends over do I give a complete itinerary to the parents? Well for my youngest ds, yes but for my two older kids no I do not. I have had not had the pleasure of a co-ed birthday party for a teen (that will be next year ) but I have had girls and boys over here hanging out, swimming, playing video games etc. never once did I feel it necessary to let the parents know that. If my dd was invited to a party at this age I assume their will be boys there, and if it was something I was concerned with I would ask the parents. Honestly I can't imagne a parent of a 13 year expecting that kids at that age still have girl only or boy only parties
From my understanding these boys did not sleep over, if they were then yes I would want to know that, and if I was to have a co-ed sleepover I would tell parents, but for a regular party no I don't see a need.

I don't expect that they wouldn't have boy/girl parties but yeah, at 13yrs old I do think it's courteous to inform parents that there will be boys there. Maybe I'm sensitive to the subject. I grew up with a brother who had friends that would pin my sister and I both down and do some pretty scary things all with a parent in the next room. Of course I don't think all boys are this way but like I said in a previous post at 13yrs old hormones are raging and I'd at least like the chance to opt out if I don't feel comfortable with the situation. Maybe I'm over protective but I wouldn't be okay with boys and girls in a basement where a parent couldn't easily get a drop on the kids.

Around here, slumber parties are same sex only. When my DDs are invited to a sleepover, it would never cross my mind that boys might be there--as invited guests, anyway. Would-be party crashers maybe, but that is another story. I would expect it to at least be mentioned there would be male guests. If it were not an overnighter, yes, I would assume boys would be invited to a 13 year old party, but there would be more supervision than it sounds like this party had.

This is how I feel as well.

 

[allison443]

okay seriously folks, what happened happened, and there was like 1/2 hour in between the first text message and the call that did get the OP to go get her, so it's not like she left her there for hours on end before she came and picked her up. i don't think y'all need to beat that horse.

Actually if you read the OP it sounds like the OP never went to get her dd from the party that night. Her dd texted her and OP encouraged her to stay, later her dd contacted OP and told OP another girl had called her mom to get her from the party, that girl's mom had arrived, and OP's dd was going to leave the party and go home with that girl. OP said that was fine. She then called the party girl's mother that night, but didn't see/speak to them till the next day.

 

[kellyg403]

Around here, slumber parties are same sex only. When my DDs are invited to a sleepover, it would never cross my mind that boys might be there--as invited guests, anyway. Would-be party crashers maybe, but that is another story. I would expect it to at least be mentioned there would be male guests. If it were not an overnighter, yes, I would assume boys would be invited to a 13 year old party, but there would be more supervision than it sounds like this party had.

This is how I would feel as well. I would assume when 'sleep over' was in the picture that it would be only one sex. Had there been a mentioned a party then a sleepover, ok..I would know and could make a choice.

Honestly though, I do believe that the dd knew the score and probably knew about the party too. Girls this age talk etc. So, I am not placing the blame totally on the other parent at all. Sometimes with kids at this age you have to pplay the question and answer game to get all the info. If I asked if they were going to a party, they would say yes. I would have to be very specific with my teens in order to get all the information. They are at an age where they are wanting independence and sometimes don't have the skills to handle it..and that is where I the parent come in.

For those who think this 'friendship' should be saved...I am not understanding why friends would even do things like this 'friend' did the next day to the OP and her dd. Friends usually say hey right now I am upset and I really don't know what to say about it. Friends respect each other. So I am at a loss as to why it is sad? 7 years is a long time. 7 years is long enough for you to really really know each other and respect each other if you are TRULY friends.

Kelly

 

[allison443]

Sometimes what starts out as a great friendship at age 6 turns out to not be such a good fit at age 13.

I totally agree with this! One of my dds had a friend in early elementary grades, we also became very friendly with the family. Once they got into middle school the girls just weren't friends anymore. No fight, nothing bad, just found different groups of friends. We stayed friendly with the parents though! Later the girls went to the same private high school, were on the same time consuming sports teams, etc. I often said jokingly to my dd, it would be so convenient if you were still friends with X! You can't force these things though.

 

[wenrob]

I just wanted to add that I'm not all about "no boy will be around my DD." I just like to know about it, kwim? When she's at my sister's I know she's around my nephews friends and they're playing video games, no harm no foul. She has a friend who's father let's boys over and they hang out in the friends room, I'm not cool with that. Another friend who has boys over, in the den where mom walks through frequently and boys have to be gone by a certain time, fine with it. DD has a good head on her shoulders and I trust her 100% until she gives me reason not to.

A previous poster asked where would it be okay to have the party. Out in the open, like the den/living room where the parents aren't necessarily on top of the kids but are definitely a presence. I'm all for kids gaining independence but I think boundaries are needed as well.

 

[smschex]

Honestly though, I do believe that the dd knew the score and probably knew about the party too. Girls this age talk etc. So, I am not placing the blame totally on the other parent at all. Sometimes with kids at this age you have to pplay the question and answer game to get all the info. If I asked if they were going to a party, they would say yes. I would have to be very specific with my teens in order to get all the information. They are at an age where they are wanting independence and sometimes don't have the skills to handle it..and that is where I the parent come in.

For those who think this 'friendship' should be saved...I am not understanding why friends would even do things like this 'friend' did the next day to the OP and her dd. Friends usually say hey right now I am upset and I really don't know what to say about it. Friends respect each other. So I am at a loss as to why it is sad? 7 years is a long time. 7 years is long enough for you to really really know each other and respect each other if you are TRULY friends.

Kelly

I agree. After 7 years of friendship I would be willing to bet both the party girl and her mom had an idea how OP and her daughter would feel about the party plans. Maybe there was some "selective" info given out.

In any case, as someone said, kids change alot between ages 6 and 13. It sounds like these families have different philosophies about rules and expectations for adolescents (not saying either one is right or wrong, just different), so maybe it is time to just let the friendship cool. There is no need for a big confrontation, just let it time take its course.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree. After 7 years of friendship I would be willing to bet both the party girl and her mom had an idea how OP and her daughter would feel about the party plans. Maybe there was some "selective" info given out.
.

I think the PP was implying that the OP's dd knew there were going to be boys at the party, and not that the party girl and party girl's mom were hiding this from the OP's dd. Before dd13 goes out, her cellphone is being texted left and right - I sincerely doubt that any of the girls were not informed that boys would be attending the party (or at least the first half - I can't imagine a boy/girl slumber party would be allowed!).

 

[wenrob]

I'm sorry, I missed this earlier. I'm not saying I need to know every single thing but more 'house rules' kind of thing. I know DD's friends parents well enough and they know me well enough that we pretty much know what's going on. DH and I were actually talking about this as last week DD spent the night at her BFF's and then next day when I went to pick her up BFF came with us and spent the night here. Not a single exchange between parents. We know our girls and we know each other. Now this week DD spent the night at BFF's and the Uncle wanted to take them out and about the next day, the called to ask if it was okay. I would have done the same. I don't think a heads up is asking too much.

When dd13 goes over her friends' homes, she makes the plans - I never speak to the parents. Her bff's mom is a good friend of mine, so we talk about things when we see each other, but do not call each other regarding specific plans. If I care to know if boys are going to be there, I'll ask my dd. If she lies, she's in big trouble (and her bff is the type of kid who tells her mother EVERYTHING).

Sometimes dd13 wants to invite her friends over, and I'll have to leave the house during that time. I let her know to tell her friends to tell their parents that they will be alone for a little while.

This is what I was thinking.

For those who think this 'friendship' should be saved...I am not understanding why friends would even do things like this 'friend' did the next day to the OP and her dd. Friends usually say hey right now I am upset and I really don't know what to say about it. Friends respect each other. So I am at a loss as to why it is sad? 7 years is a long time. 7 years is long enough for you to really really know each other and respect each other if you are TRULY friends.

Kelly

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm sorry, I missed this earlier. I'm not saying I need to know every single thing but more 'house rules' kind of thing. I know DD's friends parents well enough and they know me well enough that we pretty much know what's going on. DH and I were actually talking about this as last week DD spent the night at her BFF's and then next day when I went to pick her up BFF came with us and spent the night here. Not a single exchange between parents. We know our girls and we know each other. Now this week DD spent the night at BFF's and the Uncle wanted to take them out and about the next day, the called to ask if it was okay. I would have done the same. I don't think a heads up is asking too much.

I only know ONE of dd13's parents well. Even the ones who she attended elementary school with were not her friends until about the 6th grade. I wouldn't think to contact them if we were having boys over, and when I was a teen, my parents never received a call from another party hosting parent - they just asked me what the deal was.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, the type of parent I am of course I would ask. It goes both ways though, if you're going to have someone's children in your home full disclosure is part of the deal. Are you saying that when you have other children in your home you don't feel obligated to let the other parents know the agenda? Yep, my job to ask but it's your job to tell. It goes both ways, when you have someone elses kids under your supervision you take on their safety. There should be no mis-communication on the front IMHO. I'd much prefer a mutual respect for each others parenting style. I'll agree to disagree with you but I can't imagine letting my kid hang out where the parents don't feel they need to let me in on what's happening.

I stopped giving out itenararies when the kids were about 6. To me iteneraries are for little kid playdates, not older kid get togethers. I will still ask parents of my son's friends (he is 11 and in 5th grade) if they mid if the kids are home without an adult for a bit while I run out for pizza, etc. More often than not parents are surprised I even askecd and seem to think that is awfully over protective of me. I don't ask for the 13 year old. but if I am going to be gone for more than 10 minutes getting pizza or a video I do expect DD to have told the friend so the friend can check with a parent if that is what the friends' rules are (much like the poster below).

When dd13 goes over her friends' homes, she makes the plans - I never speak to the parents. Her bff's mom is a good friend of mine, so we talk about things when we see each other, but do not call each other regarding specific plans. If I care to know if boys are going to be there, I'll ask my dd. If she lies, she's in big trouble (and her bff is the type of kid who tells her mother EVERYTHING).

Sometimes dd13 wants to invite her friends over, and I'll have to leave the house during that time. I let her know to tell her friends to tell their parents that they will be alone for a little while.

 

[NHdisneylover]

. Now this week DD spent the night at BFF's and the Uncle wanted to take them out and about the next day, the called to ask if it was okay. I would have done the same. I don't think a heads up is asking too much.
This is what I was thinking.

I think a call then is appropriate too. The difference between us is that by 13 I expect my child (or my child's friend if she has the guest over) to make the call, not the parents.

 

[wenrob]

I only know ONE of dd13's parents well. Even the ones who she attended elementary school with were not her friends until about the 6th grade. I wouldn't think to contact them if we were having boys over, and when I was a teen, my parents never received a call from another party hosting parent - they just asked me what the deal was.

I never said I wouldn't ask, in fact stated earlier that I would. And as stated in another previous post I know what's allowed at her friends houses and what's not, again a house rules kind of thing. If your 13yr old DD was coming to my house to spend any length of time I'd let you know what's up especially if we didn't know each other well. If your DD was in my home frequently then no I wouldn't feel the need, you'd know what is and isn't allowed in my home. I make it my business to ask but I make it my business to tell. I don't see what's wrong with that.

 

[LisaR]

I stopped giving out itenararies when the kids were about 6. To me iteneraries are for little kid playdates, not older kid get togethers.

I sent out an itinerary, so to speak, for my 14 y/o DD's get together this weekend. She invited some friends over and while I know the kids, I have never met most of the parents. Normally I would think it was the parents responsibility to contact me if they have any questions or concerns. However, a few of these families strike me as the type that would just tell their kid they can't go instead of getting the details. So I sent an email out giving the time, our address, phone number and noting that my DH and I would be home the entire time. They could also see from the other people that I emailed that there would be 7 teen boys and 3 teen girls so they could make their own decision. All the kids came and had a great time and two of the parents I hadn't met before thanked me for sending out the email. They said it made them feel more comfortable since they didn't know me. I would not do it again for the same group of kids since I have now met all the parents but I thought it was an appropriate thing to do given the circumstances.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm sorry, I missed this earlier. I'm not saying I need to know every single thing but more 'house rules' kind of thing. I know DD's friends parents well enough and they know me well enough that we pretty much know what's going on. DH and I were actually talking about this as last week DD spent the night at her BFF's and then next day when I went to pick her up BFF came with us and spent the night here. Not a single exchange between parents. We know our girls and we know each other. Now this week DD spent the night at BFF's and the Uncle wanted to take them out and about the next day, the called to ask if it was okay. I would have done the same. I don't think a heads up is asking too much.
This is what I was thinking.

Thats a totally different situation then calling to inform you that your child will be in the company of the opposite sex. I wouldn't take anyone's child anywhere without their permission.
I agree with the pp's, by the time kids are 13 its no longer the parents responsibility to inform the other parents of what and who is going to be at the party or hanging out at your house. Your child can let you know and if you have any questions, you can call the parent directly and find out for yourself. In all honestly, if one of dd's friends mom called me with a list of guests and what they would be doing, I'd think she was little over the top. If it was the parent of m ds6's friends then I think its perfectly normal.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I never said I wouldn't ask, in fact stated earlier that I would. And as stated in another previous post I know what's allowed at her friends houses and what's not, again a house rules kind of thing. If your 13yr old DD was coming to my house to spend any length of time I'd let you know what's up especially if we didn't know each other well. If your DD was in my home frequently then no I wouldn't feel the need, you'd know what is and isn't allowed in my home. I make it my business to ask but I make it my business to tell. I don't see what's wrong with that.

I am not sure about the specific person you are responding to, but what got me was that the earlier post from you on the subject struck me as saying that every parent needs to make it their business to tell other parents all of these things when 13 year olds are getting together (which may well be a misuiderstanding on my part--so hard to read tone in writing). It is just not feasible to do that and know what every parent is going to take issue with, etc. Also, while it is awesome that you know all of your DD's friends parents so well, we are not all so lucky. DD has lived in 5 US states and also Germany in her 13 years. She has lived in 7 houses and semi longterm (1-3 months) in 3 different hotels. With all of that moving around I jsut flat out do not have the time to really foster a relatiponship with the parents of all of her and her younger brother's friends. I do make a point to at least meet a parent and introduce myself if at all possible, but i am getting to where i may even trust DDs judgement and let her go home from school with a friend whom I have never met. Often the parents work long hours and live on the other side of the city. It just doesn't work to arrange everything for the kids anymore. I have to trust DD to use sound judgement and call me if she needs help.

 

[wenrob]

I stopped giving out itenararies when the kids were about 6. To me iteneraries are for little kid playdates, not older kid get togethers. I will still ask parents of my son's friends (he is 11 and in 5th grade) if they mid if the kids are home without an adult for a bit while I run out for pizza, etc. More often than not parents are surprised I even askecd and seem to think that is awfully over protective of me. I don't ask for the 13 year old. but if I am going to be gone for more than 10 minutes getting pizza or a video I do expect DD to have told the friend so the friend can check with a parent if that is what the friends' rules are (much like the poster below).

Oy, I've clarified as much as I can, what more can I say? I'm not a helicopter parent by any means. I take my kids word for it until she gives me a reason not to. The original post was about a slumber party which implies girls only. I would get the info from DD but I wouldn't hesitate to contact the parents and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the parents to be forthcoming. I don't see what's wrong with touching base with the people my kid spends a lot of time with. And apparently the feeling mutual among the other parents in my kids group of friends.