Advice needed - 13yr old boy/girl party trouble

[Pea-n-Me]

Was anyone actually physically assaulted?

A threat of assault isn't enough? It has to be an actual physical assault?

Same with grinding. That's not enough (at 13)? It has to be actual sex?

No one was harmed - parents should stay out. Again, if alcohol/drugs, actual sex - I'd get involved.

Wowsa.

We tell our kids to come to us with issues. Then they do and we minimize their concerns.

"Well, it wasn't a real assault, they were only kidding."

"It's just dancing. All kids today do it."

We're sending mixed messages to our kids.

I think we should give kids more credit for knowing the difference between right or wrong - just like we've taught them.

And support them when they come to us for help.

But hey, I'm probably a prude.

 

[mjkacmom]

So if your child was threatened, you would do nothing?? Really? You'd wait until he or she was actually harmed?

I really don't think these girls were really threatened! Do you really think this girl was planning on beating up her 3 friends if they went upstairs and told on her?! Teenagers deal with these meaningless threats on a daily basis. And yes, I would not get involved. Even if this was a real bullying situation (which it wasn't), I teach my kids to deal with the bullies themselves, and wouldn't interfere unless it got out of hand. Do you have teenagers?

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, at this point my advice to you would be to "cool" the relationship with these people...both your relationship with the mother and your DD's relationship with her DD.

Your DDs have grown up some from the little 6 year old girls that they were and sometimes as children grow, they change and what worked at 6 doesn't work at 13.

No drama, no grand exit. Be cordial and civil if necessary and start pointing your DD toward other friends. The young lady who was also uncomfortable at the party and to whose home your DD went to sleep over that night might be a good place to start.

 

[smschex]

Just wondering what happened to the OP? We have been dissecting this for 6 pages and she hasn't reappeared.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Really? This isn't like a stalker threatening to kill someone. Heck, dd13 is going to kill her siblings on a daily basis! Actually, I overhear dd and her friends "threaten" each other (lovingly) all of the time (my computer is in the basement, and they forget I'm here - it's funny. I'm sure she really wasn't planning on beating up this group of girls.

The girl didn't tell though, did she? So clearly to HER the threat was credible enough to prompt her to make up an excuse to leave. That doesn't sound like friends or siblings just joking around to me.

No, it isn't like a stalker threatening to kill someone. I didn't say it was. I didn't suggest calling the police, getting a restraining order, or anything like that. But should the mom be told her daughter is saying things like that to friends she invites to her birthday party?? Yeah. I think so.

 

[mjkacmom]

Same with grinding. That's not enough (at 13)? It has to be actual sex?

I remember dancing a little crazy when I was a teen - "It's Raining Men" was a fave. I don't know if you watch MTV, but kids this age do, and that's how they are learning to dance. The girls didn't call their moms because they were afraid they were going to get beat up, they were just uncomfortable telling the mom -most 13 year old would.

 

[luvmy3]

So if your child was threatened, you would do nothing?? Really? You'd wait until he or she was actually harmed?

Actually I don't recall saying that. I asked you a question that you conveniently didn't answer.
Here's another- Do you actually go and call the parent of every child that may have said "I'll beat you up" to your child, or have you taught them (especially by the age of 13) to try and handle these things on their own?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I really don't think these girls were really threatened! Do you really think this girl was planning on beating up her 3 friends if they went upstairs and told on her?! Teenagers deal with these meaningless threats on a daily basis. And yes, I would not get involved. Even if this was a real bullying situation (which it wasn't), I teach my kids to deal with the bullies themselves, and wouldn't interfere unless it got out of hand. Do you have teenagers?

And I'd ask if you've ever had a child seriously harmed by a bully?

 

[mjkacmom]

The girl didn't tell though, did she? So clearly to HER the threat was credible enough to prompt her to make up an excuse to leave. That doesn't sound like friends or siblings just joking around to me.

No, it isn't like a stalker threatening to kill someone. I didn't say it was. I didn't suggest calling the police, getting a restraining order, or anything like that. But should the mom be told her daughter is saying things like that to friends she invites to her birthday party?? Yeah. I think so.

Agree to disagree - at 13, kids can work these things out on their own. It looks like these girls were uncomfortable, and went home. Situation solved. No need to *******

 

[handinpocket]

Actually I don't recall saying that. I asked you a question that you conveniently didn't answer.
Here's another- Do you actually go and call the parent of every child that may have said "I'll beat you up" to your child, or have you taught them (especially by the age of 13) to try and handle these things on their own?

Do you think parents are necessary at all for kids over the age of 10? I'm being serious because you seem to think 13yr olds should be ok with sexual innuendo and physical threats and 16 yr. olds should be able to sail by themselves across the country.

There is helicopter parenting and then there is the far extreme of that, and I think you are an example of that.

 

[smschex]

I'm thinking I may have to call my mom to come get me if the opinions on this thread get any more vehement.

 

[luvmy3]

A threat of assault isn't enough? It has to be an actual physical assault?


My kids aren't so fragile that I need to run and tell on every child that threatens to beat them up.


Same with grinding. That's not enough (at 13)? It has to be actual sex?

Thats really quite a leap from anything I have said here

 

[luvmy3]

Do you think parents are necessary at all for kids over the age of 10? I'm being serious because you seem to think 13yr olds should be ok with sexual innuendo and physical threats and 16 yr. olds should be able to sail by themselves across the country.

There is helicopter parenting and then there is the far extreme of that, and I think you are an example of that.

Wow, I realize your a newbie but I'm sure you can figure out how to go back and read the thread from page 1. Nowhere did I say that I was okay with the grinding, so I suggest you go back and find the posts where I have already stated that the mother should have supervised the party alittle better.

As far as the threat of getting beatup, its pretty clear that some parents feel that their own children can't handle these types of threats on their own. I have taught my kids to stand up for themselves, and they know when the point is reached where they need me to step in. A 13 year old girl threatening her friends at her party to not tell that she was dirty dancing, IMO does not qulaify as bullying, or anything that my dd couldn't handle. It certainly isn't something I feel I need to call a girls parents over. Like I said, my kids just aren't that fragile where they need mom to fight every battle for them.
Oh and my ds has been bullied so BTDT and like I said this situation is not the same

 

[TwinsinCA]

Actually I don't recall saying that. I asked you a question that you conveniently didn't answer.
Here's another- Do you actually go and call the parent of every child that may have said "I'll beat you up" to your child, or have you taught them (especially by the age of 13) to try and handle these things on their own?

You said "A parent should step in and do what, for what? Was anyone actually physically assaulted?"

What did you mean by that? I took it to mean that parents in this situation should not step in because there was not an actual assault. And I asked if this was your kid on the receiving end of a threat would you really sit back and do nothing unless or until your child was hurt? So please, if I misunderstood, explain what you meant.

I thought I was pretty clear in my opinion of what should be done in a few other posts in this thread but I will say it yet again (was not trying to side-step anything, just tired of repeating myself). The mother of the girl who made the threat should be spoken to. Why? Because her daughter is a bully. And maybe her parents will do nothing about it (which is probably the case here) but at least the mom knows. It is the same reason other parents of bullies are notified.

My kids have yet to be threatened. Thank God. They are only in 4th grade. We've had plenty of girl drama, but nothing that has escalated to anything like that. If it happened I would talk to my daughter and ask questions. And if it seemed serious enough and she was scared, I would get involved. I would take her lead.

 

[jayally]

I guess I am in the minority here, I don't think the OP did anything wrong by not initially picking DD up. From what I gather from the post (and I could be assuming...you know what assuming does!) Her DD asks to come home a lot and I don't think OP was told the reason why DD was uncomfortable. Only later did she find out about the boys.

Thank you so far for all the input. I have not had time to read them all but I did want to point out a few things. It is hard to get across in a post exactly how things transpired but I would never intentionally put my daughter in harms way and would have picked her up the first time if she had given me more information.

The poster above picked up on what I meant when I told my daughter to go upstairs to get away from the crowd and did not pick her up the first time she texted me. She always wants to come home when staying the night just because she prefers her own bed but ends up wanting to stay after all and has a good time. I gave her a choice about spending the night and she knew I would not drive 30+ minutes to get her in the middle of the night just because she changed her mind.

When she called me 1/2 hr later and elaborated a bit and said she was going home with another friend I immediately called the Mom to let her know there was a problem she maybe was not aware of and was told some kids just don't know how to have fun. This is a shocking statement coming from a friend who knows me and my daughter very well. I did not know the entire story until the next day when I picked her up from the other friends house and got the details about the boys and the grinding and groping.

Maybe my friend does not know the details and party girl certainly is not going to get herself in trouble but she would not give me a chance to say anything. We went to the family party early the next day to air any differences and move on but the party girl and Mom would only be mad at my DD for ruining the party and upsetting her daughter. Other girls gave excuses why they were leaving (not feeling well, can't spend the night etc) but my daughter would have told her she did not like what was going on and was leaving.

Party girl is a very sweet girl and is just turning 13. She looks like she is 16 and often gives Boys & Men the wrong impression by wearing inappropiate clothing etc. I worry that she will get in a situation that she won't know how to get out of because she looks older but doesn't have the maturity to handle herself properly. I don't know how old the boys were that were there and it would not have been an issue if they were to be gone by say 9pm (party started at 7pm) since this was billed as a slumber party. The boys were still there as of 11pm. I think any parent that is told their child is going to a slumber party would think it would be all girls being silly and playing games and watching movies until 6am, not loud rave music and boys with the lights off. Maybe this happens when they are 16 but these girls were mostly 12-13yr old.

The house does not have a basement and the Mom was upstairs in her room and according to all the girls only came down 2 times. The other parents and I agree if there were boys (or not) we would have found many reasons to go to the kitchen etc.

I know this family very well and felt we had the same values but I guess I am seeing a different side of her. She critized me when my 14yr old son was interested in a girl and said her son would not date until he was 16. Her Son is now 15 and has a steady girl friend for over a year that STAYS OVER on the pretense she is spending the night with the party girl. My son told me that have been sexually active but the Mom refuses to believe it and says she raised her Son to respect girls.

My friend is the girl scout troop leader and the girl's that left were mostly from the troop. My daughter lives in another city and the boys and girls that were participating in the dancing etc were from party girl's middle school. My daughter had no idea from any conversations that boys would be there because the party girl knows my daughter would not have come.

My daughter and I are both loners (my son too) to some extent. We all have many accquaintances but not many close friends. Party girl, her Mom and her Son are my daughter, mine and my Son's best friends so this is very difficult. I have talked with my daughter and explained that some times people change and hopefully one day the party girl will realize who her real friends are and apologize for her rude behavior. She and my DD have been through so much together and should get over this in time but I don't like the direction things are heading in.

 

[mjkacmom]

And I'd ask if you've ever had a child seriously harmed by a bully?

So far, no. I know ds11 has been pushed around, and ds7 has a friend who can be mean (bend his finger back, be rough). I'm not going to call the parents! I have been in a few altercations as a teen - I was never seriously injured, nor did I seriously injur any other girls. My mom never even knew about them, because I had it under control (I think the kids who are bullied are the ones with the parents interferring too soon).

 

[luvmy3]

You said "A parent should step in and do what, for what? Was anyone actually physically assaulted?"

What did you mean by that? I took it to mean that parents in this situation should not step in because there was not an actual assault. And I asked if this was your kid on the receiving end of a threat would you really sit back and do nothing unless or until your child was hurt? So please, if I misunderstood, explain what you meant.
I thought I was pretty clear in my opinion of what should be done in a few other posts in this thread but I will say it yet again (was not trying to side-step anything, just tired of repeating myself). The mother of the girl who made the threat should be spoken to. Why? Because her daughter is a bully. And maybe her parents will do nothing about it (which is probably the case here) but at least the mom knows. It is the same reason other parents of bullies are notified.

My kids have yet to be threatened. Thank God. They are only in 4th grade. We've had plenty of girl drama, but nothing that has escalated to anything like that. If it happened I would talk to my daughter and ask questions. And if it seemed serious enough and she was scared, I would get involved. I would take her lead.

Check the post above, I think that pretty much says how I feel about the situation (the threatening to beat up, not the situation as a whole). I don't believe that a 13 year old girl telling her group of friends that she's going to beat them up if they say anything as real bullying. My ds has been on the recieving end, so I do know what it is like). Since the OP hasn't mentioned any past/current bullying (or if so maybe I missed it), this to me was just a girl trying to get the message across to her friends, so to speak.There is a difference between real bullying and a friend just being a jerk which in this case it sounds like thats all she was being. Maybe its because I have a ds who has been bullied, or because I have a 12 year old dd who has been involved in her share of tween girl drama that leads me to believe that this nothing more than that. Given what the OP said and my own opinion I wouldn't see any need to step in. Obviously if there had been an assault, or an ongoing issue with this particular girl, my opinion would be different.

 

[mjkacmom]

I thought I was pretty clear in my opinion of what should be done in a few other posts in this thread but I will say it yet again (was not trying to side-step anything, just tired of repeating myself). The mother of the girl who made the threat should be spoken to. Why? Because her daughter is a bully. And maybe her parents will do nothing about it (which is probably the case here) but at least the mom knows. It is the same reason other parents of bullies are notified.

My kids have yet to be threatened. Thank God. They are only in 4th grade. We've had plenty of girl drama, but nothing that has escalated to anything like that. If it happened I would talk to my daughter and ask questions. And if it seemed serious enough and she was scared, I would get involved. I would take her lead.

Since your children are in 4th grade, we might see things differently. My the time a teen is a teen, he or she should be able to handle things like this on their own. If my kids can get through HS without sometime threatening to kick their "butts," I'd be amazed. Especially empty threats like "if you tell him I like him, I'm going to kill you!" If the girl at the party is scared over this, she has more serious issues.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So far, no. I know ds11 has been pushed around, and ds7 has a friend who can be mean (bend his finger back, be rough). I'm not going to call the parents! I have been in a few altercations as a teen - I was never seriously injured, nor did I seriously injur any other girls. My mom never even knew about them, because I had it under control (I think the kids who are bullied are the ones with the parents interferring too soon).

Probably a subject for another thread: Bullying in children - at what point do parents get involved?

 

[disneyjunkie]

(I think the kids who are bullied are the ones with the parents interferring too soon).

Some are bullied becasue they have been told not to fight back.

Probably a subject for another thread: Bullying in children - at what point do parents get involved?

My son is a college freshmen now so the bully days are behind us. My only involvement with bullying was to tell my son to stand up for himself. If it meant he had to fight, so be it. My son only had to deal with a bully once. Once the boy found out that my son would not back down, he moved on to someone else.