Advice needed - 13yr old boy/girl party trouble

[wenrob]

I am not sure about the specific person you are responding to, but what got me was that the earlier post from you on the subject struck me as saying that every parent needs to make it their business to tell other parents all of these things when 13 year olds are getting together (which may well be a misuiderstanding on my part--so hard to read tone in writing). It is just not feasible to do that and know what every parent is going to take issue with, etc. Also, while it is awesome that you know all of your DD's friends parents so well, we are not all so lucky. DD has lived in 5 US states and also Germany in her 13 years. She has lived in 7 houses and semi longterm (1-3 months) in 3 different hotels. With all of that moving around I jsut flat out do not have the time to really foster a relatiponship with the parents of all of her and her younger brother's friends. I do make a point to at least meet a parent and introduce myself if at all possible, but i am getting to where i may even trust DDs judgement and let her go home from school with a friend whom I have never met. Often the parents work long hours and live on the other side of the city. It just doesn't work to arrange everything for the kids anymore. I have to trust DD to use sound judgement and call me if she needs help.

We posted at the same time, see below you post, lol.

 

[Tuffcookie]

kelly403 wrote:

For those who think this 'friendship' should be saved...I am not understanding why friends would even do things like this 'friend' did the next day to the OP and her dd. Friends usually say hey right now I am upset and I really don't know what to say about it. Friends respect each other. So I am at a loss as to why it is sad? 7 years is a long time. 7 years is long enough for you to really really know each other and respect each other if you are TRULY friends.

MTE!

TC

 

[JerseyJanice]

FWIW, when I went to a friend’s “make-out” 13th birthday party (mentioned in post # 2), I had no clue that boys would be there too. I had little interest in boys then; I never discussed them with my friend and was shocked to see her kissing one.

Some kids are late-bloomers; others can’t wait to be adults, but most kids probably fall somewhere in the middle.

The friend I had across the street started dating the man she would marry when she was 15 and he was 23. They married 4 years later when she 19 and had a baby soon after. She’s now expecting her first grandchild in the fall. OTOH, I didn’t get married until I was 32 and my son was born the following year (he’s 13 now). So my case, the friend has always been far ahead of me.

After the “make-out” party, I parted ways with her for a couple of years. I needed to get through puberty before we became friendly again. We just had different interests until then.

 

[dislaney]

OP if you do want your daughter to stay friends with this girl then maybe you should use what someone here said and say the Sorry Susie was so upset. I can see you might want them to be on speaking terms since they have so many activities together.

I think with time this will also blow over. I myself would try to keep the friendship a little more casual though as you know the mother isn't going to supervise how you want your child to be supervised. Chalk it up to different parenting styles or whatever.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I sent out an itinerary, so to speak, for my 14 y/o DD's get together this weekend. She invited some friends over and while I know the kids, I have never met most of the parents. Normally I would think it was the parents responsibility to contact me if they have any questions or concerns. However, a few of these families strike me as the type that would just tell their kid they can't go instead of getting the details. So I sent an email out giving the time, our address, phone number and noting that my DH and I would be home the entire time. They could also see from the other people that I emailed that there would be 7 teen boys and 3 teen girls so they could make their own decision. All the kids came and had a great time and two of the parents I hadn't met before thanked me for sending out the email. They said it made them feel more comfortable since they didn't know me. I would not do it again for the same group of kids since I have now met all the parents but I thought it was an appropriate thing to do given the circumstances.

I think that was very considerate and kind of you. I do not think anyone should have expected you to do so is all.
I was on the other end of these things for my kids' birthday parties the past two weekends. DD invited 4 girls from school. I had only met two, and have met both of their mothers at least breifly. I had never met the other two girls or their families and DD only has the girls' emails and cell phone numbers not family numbers. DD did give each girl my email and the house number and let them know their parents are welcome to call or email or to drop in for a cup of coffee at the start of the party, etc. Both girls arrived on the tram with no parent so I still have not the parents.
For DS11's party this past weekend we printed out paper invites. The invites included both my email and phoen number. The party was at an indoor playland with the option of staying the night afterwards. One boy, whom I had never met stayed the night. His mom did email to say he was comming and that his granparents would pick him up the next morning and she left a cell number. I repsonded and said I was looking forward to meting her when she dropped him off, etc. We arrrived at the play place half an hour early and this boy was walking in and his grandparents had dropped him off and were pulling out of the parking lot. I waved and started over to introduce myself and they just waved and kept on driving Two other kids arrived on the tram and then left early (so I could not take them home as i had to stay with the otehr party goers) but still after dark on the tram to head back hoem as they were told to be home by 6:30. I have no contact info for these parents either. SO, I learned this weekend a lot of parents are even more casual about these things than I am

Oy, I've clarified as much as I can, what more can I say? I'm not a helicopter parent by any means. I take my kids word for it until she gives me a reason not to. The original post was about a slumber party which implies girls only. I would get the info from DD but I wouldn't hesitate to contact the parents and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the parents to be forthcoming. I don't see what's wrong with touching base with the people my kid spends a lot of time with. And apparently the feeling mutual among the other parents in my kids group of friends.

I think we posted at the same time (sorry I am a slow typist and I ahev a sick kids who I keep getting up to do things for between typing a few words) I was not trying to criticize you for how you handle thigns at all. I just meant that not everyone feels the same way nor can they alwasy make those calls and send out that information if they want to. So, I relaly do not think it is fair to expect that other parents will alwasy do so (I do not think there is anything wrong with you doing so, or anybody else doing so either).

 

[DebD4T]

For both DS and DD#1 we hosted their first boy/girl party for their 13th birthdays. They were in charge of sending invitations (whether it be verbal or written) to whomever they chose to invite.

We held the parties in our basement, with the food being served in the attached garage. DH and I made many trips downstairs, some to serve the food, some trips to check up on the kids.

It never occurred to me to inform the parents that it was a co-ed party. In DD's case, I didn't know most of the parents.

When any of my kids are invited to a party, I make it MY business to ask my child who else will be attending.

 

[Disney Doll]

See bolded

See ... I read it that the kids knew when she was coming down the stairs because they had a look out or they could hear her coming down the stairs. I am sure that the mom did not say: "I'm coming down at 8:35 and again at 10:03.".

So, you would recommend tip-toeing down the stairs? Yes. They are teenagers. Or marrying a cop? Only if you love one. Or both? Too late for the cop part, so I need to start working on my tip-toeing skills.

Maybe the mom of the friend thinks her kid is a "special snowflake". Or, maybe she just didn't want to be confronted the very next day during her DD's family birthday party. Well then perhaps she should have supervised better the night before so as to not warrant conforntation

 

[TwinsinCA]

Any mom with an once of sense and decency should be horrified by what went on (the groping and the threat) while under her "care" and not dismiss it the way she has. She and her daughter are nothing more than bullies to somehow make this YOUR fault.

I think you should STRONGLY encourage all the other parents involved to talk to the mom about this. Especially the mom of the young girl who was threatened. Maybe if she hears from several people what was going on downstairs, she will take this more seriously. Do you think she doesn't believe this went on or she doesn't care? If it is the latter, there is nothing you can do. But maybe she needs to hear it from a few more sources.

This girl might have some "grown-up" interests but there was absolutely nothing mature about her behavior. Even if things hadn't deteriorated with her mom, I would strongly encourage your daughter to cool the friendship. The things she might encourage your daughter to do in the future could be far worse. Those are the kinds of friends you do not need.

You should be very proud of your daughter for having a good head on her shoulders and getting herself out of the situation.

 

[robinb]

For those who think this 'friendship' should be saved...I am not understanding why friends would even do things like this 'friend' did the next day to the OP and her dd. Friends usually say hey right now I am upset and I really don't know what to say about it. Friends respect each other. So I am at a loss as to why it is sad? 7 years is a long time. 7 years is long enough for you to really really know each other and respect each other if you are TRULY friends.

If the friendship is to fail, the blame is on both sides. What about what the OP and her DD did to the friend and her mom? If the OP confronted the mom in the same way she is talking about the party here, she essentially called the girl a "loose girl" (my first word was filtered out). How would that go over with you? At your 13-year old DD's family birthday party, no less. IMO, the OP was selfish to want to clear the air and "could get the awkwardness out of the way and move on" at the friend's birthday party. If you ask me, she deserved the cold shoulder.

 

[luvmy3]

If the friendship is to fail, the blame is on both sides. What about what the OP and her DD did to the friend and her mom? If the OP confronted the mom in the same way she is talking about the party here, she essentially called the girl a "loose girl" (my first word was filtered out). How would that go over with you? At your 13-year old DD's family birthday party, no less. IMO, the OP was selfish to want to clear the air and "could get the awkwardness out of the way and move on" at the friend's birthday party. If you ask me, she deserved the cold shoulder.

ITA. There is a time and place and a family birthday party is neither.

 

[luvmy3]

Any mom with an once of sense and decency should be horrified by what went on (the groping and the threat) while under her "care" and not dismiss it the way she has. She and her daughter are nothing more than bullies to somehow make this YOUR fault.

I think you should STRONGLY encourage all the other parents involved to talk to the mom about this. Especially the mom of the young girl who was threatened. Maybe if she hears from several people what was going on downstairs, she will take this more seriously. Do you think she doesn't believe this went on or she doesn't care? If it is the latter, there is nothing you can do. But maybe she needs to hear it from a few more sources.
This girl might have some "grown-up" interests but there was absolutely nothing mature about her behavior. Even if things hadn't deteriorated with her mom, I would strongly encourage your daughter to cool the friendship. The things she might encourage your daughter to do in the future could be far worse. Those are the kinds of friends you do not need.

You should be very proud of your daughter for having a good head on her shoulders and getting herself out of the situation.

Maybe the mom heard something different from other sources that were at the party, who knows. The only way the OP is going to find out exactly what went on, and why it was allowed is to discuss it with the mom, like 2 adults without the same drama that goes on between their dd's.

 

[kellyg403]

Honestly? If it were me I wouldn't have even gone to the party the next day. The OP was upset about what went on, basically somebody had gotten threatened with physical harm if they tell and whatever else she was told went on. IMHO, I would have conveniently found a way out of it until I could figure out how important this friendship was to me in the first place. There is no possible way, no way no how, with any of the long term friends I have would I place them or myself in a situation to not handle this like adults. Period. If the friendship ends, yeah, maybe both parties are at fault. But it doesn't exactly sound like much of a friendship to begin with so I don't see where ultimately I would feel 'anything' about the whole thing. They are both angry, they both see things differently, it has to do with parenting and each individual child. Recipe for DISASTER and doesn't bode well for this friendship anyway. Was the OP wrong for trying to discuss the next day? Not sure...I mean I don't know how she approached her and from the original post sounded like the mom and the dd were angry with her and her dd anyway. Sounds like they were hoping she wouldn't show up so there wasn't an issue. From the way I read it it sounded like the OP has way more feelings invested in this friendship than the so called friend does. Sorry, but that is just an opinion based on what was posted and not being there or hearing what actually occured.

I have 3 best friends. One of them has a dd 2 days younger than mine. We are different people, we are different parents. We were pregnant together, we raised them together. My dd has different interests than her dd does, but when we get together as families it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter at all. I know I could leave my children with my friends for days on end and NEVER worry about them or what my friends will do. Do our dd's consider themselves the best of friends? Sadly no because they are different. Are they friends? yes.

So in the end...its up to the OP to make a decision on how she feels about the friendship. Not me. I would have stopped and never gone back the next day. I would personally have waited and then after everything subsided had a conversation with her. I hope the OP didn't mention that she thinks the dd is loose but I am guessing she felt it. And quite frankly, I think she was not doing her job supervising the kids. Agree to disagree. I do!

Kelly

 

[manning]

My solution.....they WERE my friends, good by, have a good life, you just are no longer in mine.

Simple

 

[TwinsinCA]

Maybe the mom heard something different from other sources that were at the party, who knows. The only way the OP is going to find out exactly what went on, and why it was allowed is to discuss it with the mom, like 2 adults without the same drama that goes on between their dd's.

She tried that. Twice. Now it is time to get someone else to back her up.

She said three other girls didn't like what was going on and that other moms wanted to say something but haven't yet because of the way the OP was treated. I think those other moms should be encouraged and approach this "friend" of the OP as a group.

 

[mjkacmom]

Any mom with an once of sense and decency should be horrified by what went on (the groping and the threat) while under her "care" and not dismiss it the way she has. She and her daughter are nothing more than bullies to somehow make this YOUR fault.

I think you should STRONGLY encourage all the other parents involved to talk to the mom about this. Especially the mom of the young girl who was threatened. Maybe if she hears from several people what was going on downstairs, she will take this more seriously. Do you think she doesn't believe this went on or she doesn't care? If it is the latter, there is nothing you can do. But maybe she needs to hear it from a few more sources.

This girl might have some "grown-up" interests but there was absolutely nothing mature about her behavior. Even if things hadn't deteriorated with her mom, I would strongly encourage your daughter to cool the friendship. The things she might encourage your daughter to do in the future could be far worse. Those are the kinds of friends you do not need.

You should be very proud of your daughter for having a good head on her shoulders and getting herself out of the situation.

I think the parents should (and will) stay out of it. I would've been mortified if my mom approached another mom about some dirty dancing going on at a party! Now, oral sex party, another story. The OP's dd felt uncomfortable, and left. Obviously not everyone did. The OP's dd told her one thing, and I'm sure party mom's dd told her another - who do you think she is going to believe. No one was harmed - parents should stay out. Again, if alcohol/drugs, actual sex - I'd get involved.

 

[TwinsinCA]

No one was harmed - parents should stay out. .

I disagree. When things got to the point where someone was threatened with physical harm for "tattling" -- I think parents should step in. YMMV

 

[luvmy3]

She tried that. Twice. Now it is time to get someone else to back her up.

She said three other girls didn't like what was going on and that other moms wanted to say something but haven't yet because of the way the OP was treated. I think those other moms should be encouraged and approach this "friend" of the OP as a group.

We have no idea how the OP approached this mom at a family birthday party, maybe it was in a way that this mom thought she had to put hger defenses up. The OP has already said that she thinks that the mom was irresposnible because she invited boys, maybe she conveyed that to this mom. Its all sounds like 13 year old drama to me and not like two adults discussing what happened. And then encouraging the other moms to approach this woman, more drama. They are adults, I'm sure they are capable of making their own decisions on what to do, if anything.

 

[luvmy3]

I disagree. When things got to the point where someone was threatened with physical harm for "tattling" -- I think parents should step in. YMMV

A parent should step in and do what, for what? Was anyone actually physically assaulted?

 

[mjkacmom]

I disagree. When things got to the point where someone was threatened with physical harm for "tattling" -- I think parents should step in. YMMV

Really? This isn't like a stalker threatening to kill someone. Heck, dd13 is going to kill her siblings on a daily basis! Actually, I overhear dd and her friends "threaten" each other (lovingly) all of the time (my computer is in the basement, and they forget I'm here - it's funny. I'm sure she really wasn't planning on beating up this group of girls.

 

[TwinsinCA]

A parent should step in and do what, for what? Was anyone actually physically assaulted?

So if your child was threatened, you would do nothing?? Really? You'd wait until he or she was actually harmed?