Advice needed - 13yr old boy/girl party trouble

[wdwmom0f3]

The way I read it the OP did not pick her DD up. The DD arranged to go home with another girl who was also feeling uncomfortable and then she spent the night at that other house(not party-girl's house). The DD felt uncomfortable and did a very mature thing...arranged to get the heck out of there.

The issue for me is not that boys were invited, it's what transpired (grinding, etc.) and the fact that the kids were apparently not supervised in any meaningful way. Also that the party-girl's mom thinks someone who wanted to leave the party and who then left the party somehow *ruined* it for her special little snowflake.

OP - If you need to smooth things over, you could always apologize for hurting snowflake-child's feeling without actually apologizing for your DD leaving..."sorry susie was upset".

agnes!

I agree that her DD did the right thing to get out of there. The fact that they were not closely supervised is what bothers me. As for what to do now, I would take a little break from your friend. For her to act like that the next day just shows how she really feels about the friendship. She should feel horrible for not keeping a closer eye on things.

 

[kellyg403]

Wow, its not that moms responsibility to let all the other moms know there would be boys there. I mean thats ridiculous, kids have co-ed parties at every age, why suddenly when they turn 13 it becomes wrong or something that has to be told to every parent who has gotten an invite
I agree with you about her attitide and that her dd sounds very much like her, but that is typical drama, especially for 13 year old girls and I'm guessing the OP has already seen this in her years of friendship with her mom. I think its sad that some would suggest just throwing away years of friendship over some misunderstanding, what ever happened to being honest and working things out?

I agree it is drama..but 13 yo still need to be supervised and yes, I do believe that when my dd's at 13 got an invite the invitation should say something about it being COED before the sleep over starts at 11. This mom is a different mom. I am a different mom than other moms. After a 7 year friendship, I know what my children's friends parents are like and I respect that. My dd has a friend whose parents, even at 18, liked to know where their child was. She went with me to visit my dd this summer at the college she was at. I had to give hotel info, phone numbers etc. I respect that they prefer to have this information..even at 18 because she lives at home..because that is they type of parent they are. Would I? probably not. DD has a cell phone. Her friend had to call as soon as we got there..after a four hour trip and call when we were on the road again. Didn't bother me in the least. Their house their rules.

My point is that we have children who have friends. They have parents who have decided how they would like to raise their children. This person has been friends with this parent for 7 years. She should know that probably this mom would like the information..the total package. It doesn't make either parent a 'bad' parent because they parent differently. Just have to respect that. I would, personally, prefer to have the knowledge of who is going to supervise and if it is going to be co ed. But, me...I gain a lot of information just listening to the girls talk. If something in the conversation bothers me I call the parent and make sure what I am hearing is correct. If it is COED and I know the parent is a little more lax that I would like I then can make the decision if my dd is going. Period.

Kelly

And yes, they have been doing CO ED for years..but with hormones raging I DO believe that 13 is a time when the boy/girl parties are to be more supervised. There is not another age where I believe kids are soooo different. Some are so mature, some are responsible, some are immature, some are scared to not be part of the crowd and easily swayed. 13 is the worst year ever when dealing with maturity and teen issues.

 

[NHdisneylover]

So is mine, more than her 18yo sister which ticks her off. I am kind of cheesed that the OP thinks that girls that are developed are more prone to boys and stuff.

My 13yodd wants nothing to do with boys. Now she probably would have had fun dancing "rave style" because she likes music.

If a guy tried to touch her, not sure what she would do. Probably hit them.

I have to admit i am having trouble thining clearly about the rest of the post for the same reason. DD just turned 13. She is not boy crazy at all (I keep waiting for it to happen though) and gest horribly embarrassed when the boys flirt with her. She really hates it. She is also 5'7", wears a C cup and is every bit a mature woman as far as body shape goes. She was taller and curvier than me before she turned 12 (and I am pretty average in both regards). It is really hard for a girl to be the curviest in class at this age and to have (totally clueless--) 17 year old boys asking her out (they assume she is older), otehr girls being mean because they are jealous of the boy attnetion, etc. without adding this idea from adults that somehow the fact that their bodies changed quickly means they are prone to wanting to behave provacitivly.

I would have picked my DD up at the first call. I always tell her "call me any time, and your dad or I will come to get you. I don't care what time it is, I don't care what's going on." I've also told her that if she's somewhere and is uncomfortable or feels like things are unsafe she can always say "I feel sick" (as in "throwing-up" type of sick) and call me. That way she has a safe out. Partyers (or folks with a possibly nefarious intent) don't want a wet-blanket around but they *really* don't want someone who might throw-up around.

agnes!

We do something similar. DD knows she can feign sickness at any time, or discreetly call or text us and we will make up some excuse to go and get her. I want both kids to know they can always use us to save face if they feel they need that in order to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

I don't think that the mom made a mistake in inviting boys over, there is nothing wrong with a co-ed party at the age of 13. I think the only problem I would have with her is her general attitude, that some of the girls are "bumps on a log" and that she was "angry" at your dd.

I agree. I think co-ed parties are fine at any age and I do not think the host is in any way obligated to share who is on the guest list as part of the invitation. It is up to the parents of the invitees to ask about such things if they have an issue with it, not up to the host to guess what everyone's issues could be "Warn" them about possible things. I do think this party sounds like it was not well enough supervised and was allowed to get out of hand. More so, I think the mother and daughter are now acting very petty and cruel and not like people I would want to be friends with. Then again, if OP shared the view that boys should not have even been at the party and she should have at lest been warned or something I can also see why the mother might be feeling very defensive. It sounds like all parties invovled are taking things very personally and having a hard time recalling that different perspectives and styles in parenting are okay.

At this point, OP, I would probably just drop the entire matter for a few weeks while everybody calms down and then invite them along to some event you might normally invite them to and forget the entire thing ever happened. Hopefully they will do the same.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree it is drama..but 13 yo still need to be supervised and yes, I do believe that when my dd's at 13 got an invite the invitation should say something about it being COED before the sleep over starts at 11. This mom is a different mom. I am a different mom than other moms. After a 7 year friendship, I know what my children's friends parents are like and I respect that. My dd has a friend whose parents, even at 18, liked to know where their child was. She went with me to visit my dd this summer at the college she was at. I had to give hotel info, phone numbers etc. I respect that they prefer to have this information..even at 18 because she lives at home..because that is they type of parent they are. Would I? probably not. DD has a cell phone. Her friend had to call as soon as we got there..after a four hour trip and call when we were on the road again. Didn't bother me in the least. Their house their rules.

My point is that we have children who have friends. They have parents who have decided how they would like to raise their children. This person has been friends with this parent for 7 years. She should know that probably this mom would like the information..the total package. It doesn't make either parent a 'bad' parent because they parent differently. Just have to respect that. I would, personally, prefer to have the knowledge of who is going to supervise and if it is going to be co ed. But, me...I gain a lot of information just listening to the girls talk. If something in the conversation bothers me I call the parent and make sure what I am hearing is correct. If it is COED and I know the parent is a little more lax that I would like I then can make the decision if my dd is going. Period.

Kelly

And yes, they have been doing CO ED for years..but with hormones raging I DO believe that 13 is a time when the boy/girl parties are to be more supervised. There is not another age where I believe kids are soooo different. Some are so mature, some are responsible, some are immature, some are scared to not be part of the crowd and easily swayed. 13 is the worst year ever when dealing with maturity and teen issues.

My point is just that maybe the party mom thought the other moms would know because their dd's would know. I just don't believe in throwing a friendship away because someone sees something different than I do, especially if it was all just a misunderstanding. Maybe the party mom assummed that her dd told all the girls that would be boys there, maybe the party girl invited them and didn't tell the mom and let them in because she felt bad. My guess is, the girls knew beforehand, I have a 12 year old dd, she and her friends would have known if they were coming and they most certainly would have talked about it.
I'm not here defending the party mom's actions as far as what went on at the party because I think she could have supervised a bit better but I don't believe she did anything malacious or wrong to her friend, at least nothing to just end a friendship over. But thats just me, and if I were the OP wouldn't play games and avoid it, I would call my friend and tell her exactly why I was upset and give her a chance to explain before I just ended things.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would make sure you dont lose sight of what is MOST important, the relationship with your daughter. That should be your concern not how many activities you share with your friend and not that you dont want to waste a 7 year friendship. Thats secondary. Your friend doesn't seem to be on the same page as you and it seems she doesn't care.

Right on. IMO, OP, this is what you have to keep in the forefront of your mind. If you don't support your DD, nobody else is going to. She should not be made to feel what she did was wrong here. She was uncomfortable (rightfully so), and she called you to come home. She did the right thing and I applaud her for that. I hope my kids will act this sensibly when they're in uncomfortable situations as well.

I think its sad that some would suggest just throwing away years of friendship over some misunderstanding, what ever happened to being honest and working things out?

It is sad. Very sad, and not something I would ever take lightly. But it takes both parties being willing to do so. Sometimes one just isn't. BTDT myself.

 

[okeydokey]

Sometimes what starts out as a great friendship at age 6 turns out to not be such a good fit at age 13. It could be that your DD and this girl just aren't as compatible anymore. Be sure your DD knows that she acted responsibly and did the right thing by leaving the party when she was uncomfortable. I would let your DD decide how much she wants to continue this friendship and see where it goes. If there is another party at this girl's house, your DD can decide to stay home or just go for a short while if she wants. I would never let the other Mom doubt my dis my daughter though. It's OK to see things differently from her.

 

[wenrob]

Wow, its not that moms responsibility to let all the other moms know there would be boys there. I mean thats ridiculous, kids have co-ed parties at every age, why suddenly when they turn 13 it becomes wrong or something that has to be told to every parent who has gotten an invite

Um, it ABSOLUTELY is that mom's responsibility to let the other mothers know boys would be there. There is a huge difference between a bunch of say 7yr olds and a bunch of 13yr olds with hormones that they don't know how to handle going on. I'd be beyond upset that my 'good friend' didn't bother to mention it. It's a fine line with kids this age and requires hyper vigilance which this mother obviously didn't provide.

OP I'm not sure what to tell you but when it comes to your kid she's more important than the friendship. I had a disagreement with a good neighbor when I felt her DH had put my kid in harms way. (Took her up a snowy, icy mountain w/no seat belt after assuring me she would be wearing one.) There were eventually apologies but ultimately our friendship was never the same after that. I still love them but I never felt like I could trust them with my kid again.

As to the text/phone call maybe you and DD can come up with a code word for 'I don't feel safe' and set boundaries for how and when it is to be used.

 

[robinb]

My DD is 10 so we don't have these problems yet.

To the people who think that the party should have been more "closely supervised" ... I wonder what you think that parent of the friend could have done differently. The party was in the basement and apparently the kids knew when she came down the stairs to "cheese it" (or whatever kids say these days ). Should she have sat down in the basement with the kids? Gone down more frequently? Installed a secret camera to catch the grinding in action?

 

[luvmy3]

Um, it ABSOLUTELY is that mom's responsibility to let the other mothers know boys would be there. There is a huge difference between a bunch of say 7yr olds and a bunch of 13yr olds with hormones that they don't know how to handle going on. I'd be beyond upset that my 'good friend' didn't bother to mention it. It's a fine line with kids this age and requires hyper vigilance which this mother obviously didn't provide.

OP I'm not sure what to tell you but when it comes to your kid she's more important than the friendship. I had a disagreement with a good neighbor when I felt her DH had put my kid in harms way. (Took her up a snowy, icy mountain w/no seat belt after assuring me she would be wearing one.) There were eventually apologies but ultimately our friendship was never the same after that. I still love them but I never felt like I could trust them with my kid again.

As to the text/phone call maybe you and DD can come up with a code word for 'I don't feel safe' and set boundaries for how and when it is to be used.

No, sorry if its something YOU are concerned about its YOUR responsibility to ask. I wouldn't EXPECT anyone else to tell me, if I want to know I ask.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK, let's recap:
~Friends for 7 years, lots of involvement together in many activities
~Poorly supervised coed party with a bunch of 13 year olds (that deserves a )
~Shy DD
~Party girl friend
~Inappropriate bumping/grinding/touching
~Shy DD uncomfortable
~15 kids invited and 7 left early
~Party girl threatened to beat up one girl if she tattled
~Party girl's mother doesn't see a problem with the behaviors
~Party girl and mother ignored you the next day
~Party girl and mother are "angry" at your DD for being uncomfortable in an uncomfortable situation and angry at you for supporting her

And you care about being friends with these people why???????

Your primary concern should be your DD's welfare. Your DD actually sounds like she handled it well...she was in an uncomfortable situation and got herself out of it. This girl sounds a bit advanced and her mother enables it. Time for DD to find a new friend who is more her speed. This one will be nothing but trouble as time goes on. I know. I had a party girl best friend and I was the good girl. I was always the one responsible for thinking...remembering where we parked & staying sober so she'd have a designated driver (once we were driving age), dragging her away from guys she was letting feel her up, and getting us out of the messes she had gotten us in to. It gets old. She ended up running away, getting pregnant at 16, marrying too young, divorcing, marrying 2 more times...let's just say that she wasn't too stable then and still isn't too stable now.

About the only thing I would probably talk to DD about is to let her know that you have learned that if she calls and wants to you to come get her, you will.

 

[luvmy3]

My DD is 10 so we don't have these problems yet.

To the people who think that the party should have been more "closely supervised" ... I wonder what you think that parent of the friend could have done differently. The party was in the basement and apparently the kids knew when she came down the stairs to "cheese it" (or whatever kids say these days ). Should she have sat down in the basement with the kids? Gone down more frequently? Installed a secret camera to catch the grinding in action?

I have a mental image of some of those.
Personally I think she could have interupted a few extra times to see if anythng was needed, but I don't think constant supervision is necessary.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have a mental image of some of those.
Personally I think she could have interupted a few extra times to see if anythng was needed, but I don't think constant supervision is necessary.

My mother was a fan of surprise checks. I believe the OP said that each time the mother went downstairs, she was expected.

My mother was like a stealth missile...she'd be standing right next to you and you never heard her coming. Plus, my father was a cop, so I couldn't get anything past him. Plus, my parents never thought I was a perfect special snowflake. They were very realistic in thinking that I was a kid who was going to screw up and their job was to prevent it or minimize it.

 

[wenrob]

No, sorry if its something YOU are concerned about its YOUR responsibility to ask. I wouldn't EXPECT anyone else to tell me, if I want to know I ask.

Well, the type of parent I am of course I would ask. It goes both ways though, if you're going to have someone's children in your home full disclosure is part of the deal. Are you saying that when you have other children in your home you don't feel obligated to let the other parents know the agenda? Yep, my job to ask but it's your job to tell. It goes both ways, when you have someone elses kids under your supervision you take on their safety. There should be no mis-communication on the front IMHO. I'd much prefer a mutual respect for each others parenting style. I'll agree to disagree with you but I can't imagine letting my kid hang out where the parents don't feel they need to let me in on what's happening.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sometimes what starts out as a great friendship at age 6 turns out to not be such a good fit at age 13. It could be that your DD and this girl just aren't as compatible anymore. Be sure your DD knows that she acted responsibly and did the right thing by leaving the party when she was uncomfortable. I would let your DD decide how much she wants to continue this friendship and see where it goes. If there is another party at this girl's house, your DD can decide to stay home or just go for a short while if she wants. I would never let the other Mom doubt my dis my daughter though. It's OK to see things differently from her.

MTE! Not a good fit now.

OK, let's recap:
~Friends for 7 years, lots of involvement together in many activities
~Poorly supervised coed party with a bunch of 13 year olds (that deserves a )
~Shy DD
~Party girl friend
~Inappropriate bumping/grinding/touching
~Shy DD uncomfortable
~15 kids invited and 7 left early
~Party girl threatened to beat up one girl if she tattled
~Party girl's mother doesn't see a problem with the behaviors
~Party girl and mother ignored you the next day
~Party girl and mother are "angry" at your DD for being uncomfortable in an uncomfortable situation and angry at you for supporting her

And you care about being friends with these people why???????

Your primary concern should be your DD's welfare. Your DD actually sounds like she handled it well...she was in an uncomfortable situation and got herself out of it. This girl sounds a bit advanced and her mother enables it. Time for DD to find a new friend who is more her speed. This one will be nothing but trouble as time goes on. I know. I had a party girl best friend and I was the good girl. I was always the one responsible for thinking...remembering where we parked & staying sober so she'd have a designated driver (once we were driving age), dragging her away from guys she was letting feel her up, and getting us out of the messes she had gotten us in to. It gets old. She ended up running away, getting pregnant at 16, marrying too young, divorcing, marrying 2 more times...let's just say that she wasn't too stable then and still isn't too stable now.

About the only thing I would probably talk to DD about is to let her know that you have learned that if she calls and wants to you to come get her, you will.

I think time and distance would work well with the birthday girl and her mother. Seven kids left? That's a lot. They want to pin the exodus on your DD? I'd let time and distance keep me from giving them a piece of my mind.
You don't need friends like that.

 

[robinb]

My mother was a fan of surprise checks. I believe the OP said that each time the mother went downstairs, she was expected.

See ... I read it that the kids knew when she was coming down the stairs because they had a look out or they could hear her coming down the stairs. I am sure that the mom did not say: "I'm coming down at 8:35 and again at 10:03.".

My mother was like a stealth missile...she'd be standing right next to you and you never hard her coming. Plus, my father was a cop, so I couldn't get antyhting past him. Plus, my parenst never thought I was a perfect special snowflake. They were very relaistic in thinking that I was a kid who was going to screw up and their job was to preventit or minimize it.

So, you would recommend tip-toeing down the stairs? Or marrying a cop? Or both? Too late for the cop part, so I need to start working on my tip-toeing skills.

Maybe the mom of the friend thinks her kid is a "special snowflake". Or, maybe she just didn't want to be confronted the very next day during her DD's family birthday party.

 

[LisaR]

OP, if you were not friends with this family, the solution would resolve itself without any interference from you. Your DD and the other girl have gone in different directions and their friendship would cease. Because there is a friendship with the family, you have more at stake. Make sure you do not try to preserve this friendship for your own sake. Let your DD and this girl work it out like teens work things out. If they decide to terminate their friendship, you really need to put your DD first and not try to force something just so you can keep the mom as your friend.

 

[luvmy3]

Well, the type of parent I am of course I would ask. It goes both ways though, if you're going to have someone's children in your home full disclosure is part of the deal. Are you saying that when you have other children in your home you don't feel obligated to let the other parents know the agenda? Yep, my job to ask but it's your job to tell. It goes both ways, when you have someone elses kids under your supervision you take on their safety. There should be no mis-communication on the front IMHO. I'd much prefer a mutual respect for each others parenting style. I'll agree to disagree with you but I can't imagine letting my kid hang out where the parents don't feel they need to let me in on what's happening.

Are you asking if when my dd or ds's have their friends over do I give a complete itinerary to the parents? Well for my youngest ds, yes but for my two older kids no I do not. I have had not had the pleasure of a co-ed birthday party for a teen (that will be next year ) but I have had girls and boys over here hanging out, swimming, playing video games etc. never once did I feel it necessary to let the parents know that. If my dd was invited to a party at this age I assume their will be boys there, and if it was something I was concerned with I would ask the parents. Honestly I can't imagne a parent of a 13 year expecting that kids at that age still have girl only or boy only parties
From my understanding these boys did not sleep over, if they were then yes I would want to know that, and if I was to have a co-ed sleepover I would tell parents, but for a regular party no I don't see a need.

 

[lillygator]

op - did you pick up your daughter when she called? It looks from your post you did not.

 

[smschex]

Around here, slumber parties are same sex only. When my DDs are invited to a sleepover, it would never cross my mind that boys might be there--as invited guests, anyway. Would-be party crashers maybe, but that is another story. I would expect it to at least be mentioned there would be male guests. If it were not an overnighter, yes, I would assume boys would be invited to a 13 year old party, but there would be more supervision than it sounds like this party had.

 

[Darsa]

Around here, slumber parties are same sex only.

Oops! Did I miss that this was a co-ed slumber party? Holy moly that's a big ol' no-no in my book. I trust my DD and all that, but uh, no. That's just ridiculous, and can't imagine ANY parent allowing 13 year old boys and girls, and their raging hormones, to be "sleeping" in a group in the same room...