Advice: How to tell two children they can't play together (one parent says so)

[Ember]

I won't go into the situation, but I have two little guys in my class who aren't allowed to play together anymore. It's the express wish of one of the parents, and she's very adamant about it. (There's a big story here, but this is the outcome.) They don't play all the time, but they are friends. Now I have to explain to the two of them that they aren't allowed to play together and am looking for help on what to say...

Edit: It's grade one, and both boys are six.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Interesting.... I wouldn't think that a parent would be able to dictate who her kid can play with at school. I mean, without knowing details (and I'm not saying you should share them) I have a hard time figuring out how that's even possible!

What if every parent decided they didn't their kid playing with another one? Yikes.


How much time is actually spend "playing" in first grade??

 

[palavra]

That is a tough situation for everyone.

Although I teach middle school, I have had parents tell me that their child is not to sit near, talk to or be in a group with a certain child. At the age my students are, I just don't say anything to the students themselves. I make it a point to just keep the kids away from each other as much as possible. I know it will make more work for you, but do you think that is possible in this case? Maybe you could redirect one or both boys if they try to play together.

 

[MizTink]

i don't think you need to say anything to either boy. they are classmates....
it's your job to make sure they respect each other while in your care, but how are you supposed to be responsible for them avoiding each other all day, every day. if the situation is bad enough to warrant it, the principal would agree to separate them by having one boy moved to another class. if not, the mother just has to accept it. she can keep them apart on her time...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would think that without administrative involvement, the best you can do is to just separate them in class.

If you try to actually make sure they do not play, their presently private matter could become a major classroom issue and sides taking.

I would speak with your boss and to find out if what the mom demands is even permitted. My thought--if it is that imperative they not associate with one another, then her child needs to switch to another classroom for the above mentioned reasons. It will otherwise be a social problem for all of the children in your class when it comes time to specials (PE/Music/Art) and recess. Her request is an absurd one to handle whatever issue she has.

 

[castleview]

I don't want my kids playing with one particular girl (who was a friend, but has been making DD cry lately). So I told DD not to play with her. Even if I mention to the teacher that I want them separated, I can't expect the teacher to stop them whenever she sees them start a conversation or whatever. That's not her job.

 

[Hannathy]

She can tell her son not to play with the other but unless there is physical harm then it is not your job to monitor their playtime. She can't demand any action from the other child other than normal school behavior- in other words she has no say in who he does or doesn't play with.

If she feels this strongly and has a legitimate reason she can go to administration and see if they will move HER son to another room.

Not her place (school room) to dictate.

 

[Ember]

i don't think you need to say anything to either boy. they are classmates....
it's your job to make sure they respect each other while in your care, but how are you supposed to be responsible for them avoiding each other all day, every day. if the situation is bad enough to warrant it, the principal would agree to separate them by having one boy moved to another class. if not, the mother just has to accept it. she can keep them apart on her time...

I would think that without administrative involvement, the best you can do is to just separate them in class.

If you try to actually make sure they do not play, their presently private matter could become a major classroom issue and sides taking.

I would speak with your boss and to find out if what the mom demands is even permitted. My thought--if it is that imperative they not associate with one another, then her child needs to switch to another classroom for the above mentioned reasons. It will otherwise be a social problem for all of the children in your class when it comes time to specials (PE/Music/Art) and recess. Her request is an absurd one to handle whatever issue she has.

Again, without getting into the situation, the principal is aware of the mother's demand and has asked (told) me to speak to the boys. I put it off today because I couldn't find the right words and I wanted to have a plan before tackling the subject.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I don't think it's the teacher's job to make sure they don't play together. We don't have a problem with any classmates, but if I didn't want my child playing with another, I would tell my child he isn't allowed to play with X child. I wouldn't expect the teacher to enforce that.

 

[bdcp]

If the mom is that concerned you'd think she'd have her son moved to another class. I think it's kind of hard to keep kids from playing together at school that want to. Unless it's an issue of danger, I can't imagine why a mother would think they could keep them apart. A teacher has more to do than keep two kids apart all day who aren't causing any problems in class. I could see this being a real issue with all their friends getting involved at some point.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Again, without getting into the situation, the principal is aware of the mother's demand and has asked (told) me to speak to the boys. I put it off today because I couldn't find the right words and I wanted to have a plan before tackling the subject.

I think it is going to open up a world of issues that your school shouldn't be involved in when the children are in the same class. A different class is the answer.

I would--if you must--speak to each child separately, not together. That way you can address their response to the request individually. One child may be relieved, the other may get quite upset and confused and not understand why. They are each entitled to their own feelings of your request and privacy in dealing through it with you.

I would anticipate how each child might react and then think of things you could say to make them feel better given the situation.

Additionally--be prepared that Boy #2 may tell his parents and you may have an additional issue on your hands.

But my gut instinct is that this is not something you should be micromanaging.

 

[scottishduffy]

How are you supposed to guarantee they stay apart? That sounds near impossible.

I would just move the desks far apart, make sure they were always in seperate groups, and try to physically seperate them. But if they gravitate to one another during free times that is rather tough to deal with.

When I was a camp counselor I had one boy in my group whose mother did not want him to play with a little girl in another group. The two had developed a 'puppy love' for each other and the Boy's mom was horrified by his crush. She felt it was inappropriate for him to say he liked a girl. They were 7 & 6 and just liked playing together, they never caused trouble... just looked forward to playing at the end of the day. Since she was in a different group the only time of day we even saw this girl was at free time at the end of the day.

I told the mom I would try to keep them apart when our groups shared activities but I couldn't make guarantees. Before heading to free play at the end of the day (since I only had one kid in my group) I would pull Z aside and remind him of his Mom's request. I would also remind him that I would give her honest reports... but the self control to stay away had to be all him. Sometimes they still played together and I felt horrible for the both of them because they had been great buddies. Mom was peeved I didn't physically pry them apart of give Z a time-out for playing with the girl. I had to explain several times that I reminded Z of her requests, but if they weren't misbehaving I could not punish Z.

If I had both in my group it would have been impossible. I could not *tell* one kid in my group to totally ignore another. Especially if they wanted to be together! You can seperate desks, keep them in different groups for group activites, and try your hardest.... but it must be on the Mom to tell the Boy not to play with XYZ kid and up to the boy to exhibit the self control. The most you can do is *try* to seperate and give honest reports to Mom who can impose whatever consequences she likes on her son.

 

[bdcp]

How are you supposed to guarantee they stay apart? That sounds near impossible.

I would just move the desks far apart, make sure they were always in seperate groups, and try to physically seperate them. But if they gravitate to one another during free times that is rather tough to deal with.

When I was a camp counselor I had one boy in my group whose mother did not want him to play with a little girl in another group. The two had developed a 'puppy love' for each other and the Boy's mom was horrified by his crush. She felt it was inappropriate for him to say he liked a girl. They were 7 & 6 and just liked playing together, they never caused trouble... just looked forward to playing at the end of the day. Since she was in a different group the only time of day we even saw this girl was at free time at the end of the day.

I told the mom I would try to keep them apart when our groups shared activities but I couldn't make guarantees. Before heading to free play at the end of the day (since I only had one kid in my group) I would pull Z aside and remind him of his Mom's request. I would also remind him that I would give her honest reports... but the self control to stay away had to be all him. Sometimes they still played together and I felt horrible for the both of them because they had been great buddies. Mom was peeved I didn't physically pry them apart of give Z a time-out for playing with the girl. I had to explain several times that I reminded Z of her requests, but if they weren't misbehaving I could not punish Z.

If I had both in my group it would have been impossible. I could not *tell* one kid in my group to totally ignore another. Especially if they wanted to be together! You can seperate desks, keep them in different groups for group activites, and try your hardest.... but it must be on the Mom to tell the Boy not to play with XYZ kid and up to the boy to exhibit the self control. The most you can do is *try* to seperate and give honest reports to Mom who can impose whatever consequences she likes on her son.

That's terrible. What exactly did the mom think was going to happen? That's a horrible lesson that mom was teaching him. I can only imagine what she did when he was older. Can you say "mother issues"?

 

[Ember]

I think it is going to open up a world of issues that your school shouldn't be involved in when the children are in the same class. A different class is the answer.

I would--if you must--speak to each child separately, not together. That way you can address their response to the request individually. One child may be relieved, the other may get quite upset and confused and not understand why. They are each entitled to their own feelings of your request and privacy in dealing through it with you.

I would anticipate how each child might react and then think of things you could say to make them feel better given the situation.

Additionally--be prepared that Boy #2 may tell his parents and you may have an additional issue on your hands.

But my gut instinct is that this is not something you should be micromanaging.

That's good advice, thank you.

 

[Ceila]

Is your administration supportive, or do they cater to every whim of parents? It sounds like they are the latter, in which case you are in a very tough position. Do they just want you to talk to the boys, or do they actually expect you to be the one responsible for keeping them apart, even at recess? Because honestly, that is going to be impossible. Even if there are good reasons for keeping the boys separate, putting that on the teacher when they are still in the same class is ridiculous.

 

[shortbun]

I'm sorry, I don't see how this would be your responsibility unless you witnessed harm being done IN your classroom at which point YOU would have seperated them at that time. Does the other parent know what's happening and are they on board? Seems like they-the principal and the one parent-are putting you in a position of being a bully. The mothers and the principal should have a meeting and then they should all meet with the boys at which point you could enforce the agreement.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Again, without getting into the situation, the principal is aware of the mother's demand and has asked (told) me to speak to the boys. I put it off today because I couldn't find the right words and I wanted to have a plan before tackling the subject.

Say what?? If this is what the principal is agreeing to then he/she needs to be the one to talk to them! That is ridiculous. You can keep them apart in the classroom and you can assign groups and seating so they are not together but if they are playing together at recess then what are you supposed to do? Call them over in front of everyone and scold them? Put them in "time out" for playing nicely together?

If you have to talk to them I would just keep it very low key, short and sweet, and do it separately as someone suggested.

Johnny, you mom doesn't want you to play with Bobby so please stay away from him.

Bobby, Johnny isn't going to be able to play with you any more. (and maybe a suggestion of the other kids that Bobby can play with)

Beyond that it should be up to the principal or school guidance counselor to deal with them.

And how is this going to work in PE class? Aren't they "playing" together all the time in there? Do they have to be on separate teams?

 

[MyManGoofy!]

Again, without getting into the situation, the principal is aware of the mother's demand and has asked (told) me to speak to the boys. I put it off today because I couldn't find the right words and I wanted to have a plan before tackling the subject.

Wow - if this is an administrative decision that your principal has made - then he/she needs to be the one to pony up and take care of the situation along with the parent. This is not part of a teacher's job. I would find a way to tell the principal that not only is talking to the boys outside your scope of responsibility but the actuality of being able to do this with both boys in the same class would be impossible.

However, if my job depended on being the one to handle this - I would tell them separately. The boy whose mother is making the demand probably already knows the situation - so I would just reiterate that you are trying to follow his mother's wishes and that you will be doing what you can to keep the two apart but the he also needs to help respect his mother's wishes.

Not knowing the story - I tend to feel for the other boy. Does he know there is a situation or is this going to come out of the blue for him? Because that would change how I dealt with it.

 

[Ember]

Is your administration supportive, or do they cater to every whim of parents? It sounds like they are the latter, in which case you are in a very tough position. Do they just want you to talk to the boys, or do they actually expect you to be the one responsible for keeping them apart, even at recess? Because honestly, that is going to be impossible. Even if there are good reasons for keeping the boys separate, putting that on the teacher when they are still in the same class is ridiculous.

I have to speak to them. And at this point I am going to obey the letter of the law. There are supervisors at recess that have been told the boys are to stay apart, but I get to be the one to talk to them about it. If the boys persist in playing together, I feel it is then beyond anything I can do. But I do need to address it directly - at the request of my administration.

I am not feeling great about this, hence the request for help.

Edited to add: Admin doesn't cater, necessarily, to the parents. But we have an extremely involved parent council, and our parents do have a great deal of influence and say in things. In some cases this is great. When the parents decided that our playground needed replacing, or that every room should have a Smart Board, they funded these things for the students. But there are definitely down sides, too, such control of the holiday parties... (I am not looking forward to Valentine's Day, but that's another thread!)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Again, without getting into the situation, the principal is aware of the mother's demand and has asked (told) me to speak to the boys. I put it off today because I couldn't find the right words and I wanted to have a plan before tackling the subject.

Yikes!

So do the kids know that they are not to play with each other or is this going to be a surprise to them?

Are they expecting YOU to take the blame of why they cannot play or can you throw one of the parents under the bus, so to speak?

I would certainly talk with them one on one privately. Personally, I would prefer to have the counselor or some other teacher as a witness to what you talk about with the student in case it comes back to bite your hiney.

Otherwise, keep it simple.