Advice about dd's bf?

[luvmyfam444]

She has been "dating" this guy for 2 months....they have a class together, went to homecoming together & they text/email & Skype a bunch.

He says he's gonna marry her & he's so in love & supposedly she has promised him the same. That doesn't bother me too much..puppy love is misleading that way @15/16 yo.

What really bothers me is his comments about killing himself if they breakup.

How do you handle that?

dd has said he's driving her crazy lately, smothering her (not in a bad way) & she wants to move on but she's scared of his reaction.

What do I tell her?

 

[Bluestars]

I don't think there is a good way to smother a person. He is trying to control her by using fear to keep her. That's a huge red flag. If she is unwilling to break up with him cold turkey, then maybe she could become too busy to see him and slowly stop responding to his text messages.

 

[low-key]

thats not to unusual for a teenage boy to say, he is trying to find out who he is, and wants her to know his love is real, if he is saying that 3-4 years later he has issues ( my thoughts anyway)

 

[ronandannette]

She has been "dating" this guy for 2 months....they have a class together, went to homecoming together & they text/email & Skype a bunch.

He says he's gonna marry her & he's so in love & supposedly she has promised him the same. That doesn't bother me too much..puppy love is misleading that way @15/16 yo.

What really bothers me is his comments about killing himself if they breakup.

How do you handle that?

dd has said he's driving her crazy lately, smothering her (not in a bad way) & she wants to move on but she's scared of his reaction.

What do I tell her?

Many will undoubtedly disagree, but I would be contacting his parents and making them aware of his state of mind. If it was my son (and I do have a teenage DS who has navigated his first relationship) I would want to know. They need to be involved in helping him manage his emotions which, based on your account, appear to be overwhelming him.

It doesn't mean you need to "break them up" necessarily, but if I was the parent of the girl I'd be having long talks about her power to choose a relationship that is positive and comfortable for her. I'd also want to help her recognize emotional manipulation, a form of control which is not part of a healthy dynamic.

 

[cluvsdisney]

Many will undoubtedly disagree, but I would be contacting his parents and making them aware of his state of mind. If it was my son (and I do have a teenage DS who has navigated his first relationship) I would want to know. They need to be involved in helping him manage his emotions which, based on your account, appear to be overwhelming him.

It doesn't mean you need to "break them up" necessarily, but if I was the parent of the girl I'd be having long talks about her power to choose a relationship that is positive and comfortable for her. I'd also want to help her recognize emotional manipulation, a form of control which is not part of a healthy dynamic.

I agree with ronandannette. My sister dated someone like this in HS but for much longer than 2 months and the smothering was way out of hand. He said the same things this boy is saying to your daughter which scared my sister. My parents sat down with his so they can intervene and help him get through the break up.

Plus, suicide threats are way too serious to not involve the parents.

 

[luvmyfam444]

The problem is I know nothing about the parents....well I know the mom is not in his life & he has a dad who works a lot (according to bf)

What really bothers me is the dad just drops the boy off places. So for homecoming he dropped his son off for pics @ location...didn't bother to stop & introduce himself or even figure out how he was getting to the dance. it's kinda odd to me.

He has been dropped off @ the football games (that of course is normal), but anytime there is a chance we could meet he's just not there.

 

[ronandannette]

The problem is I know nothing about the parents....well I know the mom is not in his life & he has a dad who works a lot (according to bf)

What really bothers me is the dad just drops the boy off places. So for homecoming he dropped his son off for pics @ location...didn't bother to stop & introduce himself or even figure out how he was getting to the dance. it's kinda odd to me.

He has been dropped off @ the football games (that of course is normal), but anytime there is a chance we could meet he's just not there.

You can't control his family life nor can you really judge it based on the information you have. I still would really urge you to tell the Dad. Maybe if need be, you could involve a school counsellor as an intermediary.

 

[lvillotta1]

RED flags!!!! He seems to be really screwed up. Dysfunctional family and no parents around to care for him or care about him. These type of kids gravitate to the kids who have a stable family,can be very manipulative to the point of telling your DD who to talk to and what to do in any situation. If this continues he will brainwash your DD and you will wonder what in the world has happened. I have BTDT, but no one could tell me any different. I married the man and divorced him 10 months later. Please have your DD read my post. She deserves much better than what she currently has. She needs to get rid of him and eventually find her soul mate with true love. If this was my DD I would have ended the relationship immediately. This is such a hard situation I wish you the best of luck. This boys father will not care what you say to him. He seems already to have stopped parenting his son a long time ago. But in our society today I suppose this father is in the majority who feels he does not need to be around for her son.

 

[rajahfan7]

Suicide threats are never ok, even at 15. I know kids can be a little dramatic but if your kid is feeling smothered, have her get out now.

 

[StephMK]

Since Dad doesn't sound super involved, how about letting the school counselor know? If he has been raised without mom and maybe a very busy Dad, then he may not know how to handle dating and/or may be desperate to reach out & find that permanent closeness with someone. I agree with the others, comments like that should be addressed.

 

[PizzieDuster]

I would call the Dad too. If anything happened you would feel bad.

I can't listen to a certain song without thinking of one of my son's classmates hanging herself when her boyfriend broke up with her (17). Apparently this certain song was something that she couldn't handle = or, it was just too much... It was just so awful, she had a full ride scholarship and he wanted to date other people.

Keep your daughter busy and always know where she's at.

 

[disykat]

Like others, I would contact the school counseling office to report the suicide talk. They can intervene.

 

[TaylorEar]

What is the context of these "suicidal" comments? Have you seen these texts/messages for yourself, or is this something that your daughter has relayed to you? Kids at that age have a propensity for using dramatic language (OMG, I will totally DIE if we break up!). I would definitely monitor the situation, but I think you are a step ahead given the fact that your daughter seems to be letting you in on the ins-and-outs of her relationship. It kind of seems like a double-edged sword... on the one hand you want to keep her safe (as well as this other kid), which might require talking to his Dad; on the other hand you don't want her to regret confiding in you and accuse you of blowing things out of proportion if the results of talking to his Dad don't end up going the way she would like. I will say this... being in an obsessive relationship, no matter what age, is dangerous. You should encourage your daughter to set some boundaries and let her know that true love isn't smothering or overbearing.

 

[Nancyg56]

Suicide threats are serious, and not to be taken lightly. I would contact the school. If the boy is serious, help will be given to him. If not, he will learn that threats are not a great idea. I also would try to make my daughter understand that this is a very unhealthy relationship, and way too much responsibility on her.

 

[havaneselover]

Suicide threats are serious, and not to be taken lightly. I would contact the school. If the boy is serious, help will be given to him. If not, he will learn that threats are not a great idea. I also would try to make my daughter understand that this is a very unhealthy relationship, and way too much responsibility on her.

Agreed. OP, use this as an opportunity to talk with your daughter about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships and safe vs. unsafe people.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I'd start with the school counselor. They are trained to deal with these issues and have the resources to help. They will get in touch with the parents as needed.

 

[HM]

This type of behavior (smothering) seems to often turn toward an abusive relationship. Does it seem like he wants all your DDs attention and is trying to keep her from doing things with her friends as well? Your DD should get out if that's the case. And I agree with the others that the school counselor may be a good place to turn before she does so, to let them know what's going on.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree with most here. Red flag. Speak to counselor.
It is either a controlling mechanism or a serious threat.

Your daughter must report it or you will have to.

Anyone mentioning suicide should be taken seriously. The consequences are just too great if not taken seriously when they should have been.

 

[mjkacmom]

The problem is I know nothing about the parents....well I know the mom is not in his life & he has a dad who works a lot (according to bf)

What really bothers me is the dad just drops the boy off places. So for homecoming he dropped his son off for pics @ location...didn't bother to stop & introduce himself or even figure out how he was getting to the dance. it's kinda odd to me.

He has been dropped off @ the football games (that of course is normal), but anytime there is a chance we could meet he's just not there.

Well, at 15, I was just dropping my teens off. Ds16 went to the junior formal with a girl I've never met (as friends - not really good friends - I think she needed a date). I dropped him off at the house where pictures were being taken, and kept on driving. At 15, my teens had the run of the town, and usually walked everywhere.

I didn't meet dd18's first boyfriend's mother until they were dating for 8 months, and I only met her because she came over to take pictures before her ds's junior formal. I really felt no need, because I knew they'd break up eventually (thank goodness they finally did around the one year mark, because this boy was WAY too into dd!).

That said, this does not sound like a healthy relationship, at all! Dd's first boyfriend dumped all of his friends for dd, tried to convince her to always hang out with him instead of her friends, or let him come when she was going to hang with friends. He'd do anything she'd ask. I think she was initially flattered, but then it got old. I think it lasted a whole year, only because he was her first boyfriend, and she felt badly about breaking up with him.

I'm so glad she had that experience - even a bad relationship is a great learning experience. Her current boyfriend (dating 2 years now), is nothing like the first. They are very much equals in the relationship, and even if they never marry (which is likely, because they are both away at college in different states), they man she eventually marries has a high bar to rise to.

If she wants out, she needs to get out. She is not responsible for his mental health. If she is worried about him, have her contact the school guidance office, and give them the heads up.

 

[Shmily1]

I agree with HM on this one. My DD had a boyfriend like this one time. It starts with the smothering, then on to more abusive stuff. DD's ended when he would make her cry if she was spending time with friends and not him. I had to discuss it with her and tell her it wasn't healthy so she started standing up to him. A week later they were broken up.

Stand your ground. If you don't stand up for her, no one will and her safety depends on it.