A Better Break-up...

[disneychrista]

You are dumped. Would you prefer it to have ended with a blow-up, a fight, some indiscretion or am amicable, it's not you, I just can't be in a relationship right now?



Sorry for all the relationship/break-up postings. Obviously I am going through a break-up right now and this is part of my process.


Me - I think I would prefer the fight right now. The amicable BS isn't working for me.

 

[low-key]

it depends on how long and serious it was, if not to long and not to serious, you could just fade away, if it was really long and serious of course some reason would seem to be human thing to do

 

[amberpi]

If there's a breakup, I just walk and don't look back. If someone doesn't want to be with me, I'm not dragging it out. Bye Felicia. Make it as clean as possible. It hurts the least. Any contact other than what is absolutely necessary (like returning things) is too much contact.

 

[low-key]

If there's a breakup, I just walk and don't look back. If someone doesn't want to be with me, I'm not dragging it out. Bye Felicia. Make it as clean as possible. It hurts the least. Any contact other than what is absolutely necessary (like returning things) is too much contact.

but what if your husband just left (he would never) but f he did, wouldnt you want an explanation, at least in a email

 

[disneychrista]

it depends on how long and serious it was, if not to long and not to serious, you could just fade away, if it was really long and serious of course some reason would seem to be human thing to do

I agree that a short casual relationship it doesn't matter. For the longer / more serious having a reason is nice but doesn't always help. That's why I want the FIGHT.

If someone doesn't want to be with me, I'm not dragging it out. Bye Felicia.

I agree...If you don't want me, I am certainly not going to try to convince you other wise.

 

[amberpi]

but what if your husband just left (he would never) but f he did, wouldnt you want an explanation, at least in a email

Honestly, if my DH walked tonight. The reason wouldn't matter to me. I'd be crushed, but I'd move on (not to the next man, but with my life). I've learned looking back too seriously just causes pain. Yes, remember, learn, but if he doesn't want me because I have constant insomnia, he found another woman, or I smelly funny. It just wouldn't matter. I'm really good at icy, icy coldness.

 

[disneychrista]

I'm really good at icy, icy coldness.

Can you share some of that?

I wish I didn't think about it, analyze it, so much. But for me it is part of the process and part of the learning from the past. It hurts to realize just how little he cared but it also helps to think it through so I can recognize it if there is a next time.

 

[portocall]

I really don't know. I think back when I was dating I preferred the argument and then nothing. I say argument because I associate fighting with physical violence. (I am the mom of three sons. I'd be rich if I had a penny for every time I have said stop fighting through the years). I would want an explanation but then I am done. The friend thing rarely works.

 

[amberpi]

Can you share some of that?

I wish I didn't think about it, analyze it, so much. But for me it is part of the process and part of the learning from the past. It hurts to realize just how little he cared but it also helps to think it through so I can recognize it if there is a next time.

Oh, in my private my mind is spiraling and I'm an ugly cry mess. If I have to deal with a partner during a breakup, I just have to shut off my emotions and keep telling myself "you don't want someone who doesn't want you." It really works for me. Then I do therapy and work through it, but if someone doesn't want me anymore, screw them, they don't get to see that they hurt me. Living well is the best revenge and all that.

 

[disneychrista]

The friend thing rarely works.

And that what hurts so much for me right now because we were friends before we were more. So in a way I have lost two relationships - my good friend and my boyfriend.

 

[amberpi]

And that what hurts so much for me right now because we were friends before we were more. So in a way I have lost two relationships - my good friend and my boyfriend.

I've been there and it is truly a special suck. I feel for people that have to share parenting with former partners when all they want to do is never see the former partner again, ever. So, at least you can just walk away no matter how much it hurts.

I'll be thinking of you.

 

[disneychrista]

If I have to deal with a partner during a breakup, I just have to shut off my emotions

I have NO off switch for my emotions. I was a emotional crying mess the last time I saw him. I was trying real hard to not let everything get to me. But NOPE. You knew you were wrong to get involved when you "couldn't be in a relationship" so you deserve to see WHY you shouldn't have pursued it.

 

[amberpi]

I have NO off switch for my emotions. I was a emotional crying mess the last time I saw him. I was trying real hard to not let everything get to me. But NOPE. You knew you were wrong to get involved when you "couldn't be in a relationship" so you deserve to see WHY you shouldn't have pursued it.

I just want to give you a hug so badly. Society dismisses how rough heartbreak can be. I've spent many a night on a friends couch with a bottle of wine and a pint of toasted coconut ice cream.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I believe I would prefer it to be a fight.

 

[RUDisney]

Oh, in my private my mind is spiraling and I'm an ugly cry mess. If I have to deal with a partner during a breakup, I just have to shut off my emotions and keep telling myself "you don't want someone who doesn't want you." It really works for me. Then I do therapy and work through it, but if someone doesn't want me anymore, screw them, they don't get to see that they hurt me. Living well is the best revenge and all that.

You and I seem kindred.

My mantra in life is that you can't worry about what IS. You can take steps to improve it or to keep it the same, but worrying about it just affects your health.

Once you know the relationship is over, you need to take steps to improve your life's situation and not dwell on or worry about what is.

Yes, I know that this is a hard concept for most people, but it's what I do and I deal with stress very well because of it. It allowed me to not break down when we found out my DS had leukemia. I knew that I had to listen, learn and plan our attack. I saved the crying for later, when I was alone. After that, I went back into improving mode.

 

[L&Lfan]

I had to really think about this, because at first thought I would have chosen an amicable break up, but I think now I really would prefer to have a fight rather than being told something like I’m no longer in love with you. That has happened to several people I know. They were told by their partners after quite a few years together I’m no longer in love with you . That must be absolutely devastating.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

For me, if DH and I were to ever break up, it would have to be a fight. I am way too caring to just nicely say "see you" and walk away forever, knowing I have crushed him. If I am good and mad, I can let my anger help me ride the wave out of there.

 

[disneychrista]

at first thought I would have chosen an amicable break up, but I think now I really would prefer to have a fight

Amicable seems better until you are in the middle of it with nothing to help you through. A fight/disagreement at least helps to fuel you through. A friendly...I don't have time for a relationship, this just isn't working out, let's just be friends leaves you just kinda hanging.

I found this song on youtube, I am a HUGE Brett Young fan and this is one of his songs before he made it in Nashville. The lyrics below the video really hit home for me, in how I'm feeling through all this.

I wish you packed your things and cursed my name and slammed the door behind you.
But instead you took my hand and tried to help me understand.
How dare you!

 

[sjrec]

First of all, it’s ok to grieve. You’ve had your heart broken. I don’t see where a fight to end it or just the realization on his part that it’s not working makes it any better.
I’m much older than you, but I can remember how it feels-but time-and as amberpi suggests, friends and ice cream are the great healers.

 

[EMom]

I used, “It’s not you. It’s me,” more times than I can count in the 70s and 80s. But it was true and kinder than saying, “You no longer hold my interest and I see no future with you, so why prolong it?” When George Costanza used that line, I almost spewed my Coke. I should’ve realized I didn’t have a monopoly on it.