A Better Break-up...

[disneychrista]

I used, “It’s not you. It’s me,” more times than I can count in the 70s and 80s. But it was true and kinder than saying, “You no longer hold my interest and I see no future with you, so why prolong it?” W

I see nothing wrong with telling someone you see no future with them. To me it is better than "it's not you, it's me." We all know that, that line is BS and OF COURSE it is them.

 

[fla4fun]

I was engaged in my early twenties and the way he chose to break up was to marry someone else two months before the wedding and let her tell me. We were in a long distance relationship at the time because of his work, but had been together eight years. I had no clue whatsoever he was seeing someone else. She dumped him three months later and he wanted a second chance with me. I never spoke to him after the initial break up. I don’t know which of your categories that would fall under, since we never had the fight and it certainly wasn’t civilized and amiable. Perhaps it could be called an indiscretion, but that doesn’t seem a strong enough word. I just knew I would never be able to trust him, ever, if I took him back. It definitely wasn’t easy though, and to this day I don’t know why he did what he did - not that it would have made a difference.

Looking back, I would have appreciated him being honest when he started seeing someone else instead of being such a coward about it. It still would have been painful, but maybe less so. So sorry you are going through this OP. It seems to be one of those universal things everyone goes through at some point in their lives. All I can say is it will get better with time.

 

[disneychrista]

he way he chose to break up was to marry someone else two months before the wedding and let her tell me.

All I can say is it will get better with time.

What a coward.

Thanks, it already is getting better. There are still some bad/not as good days but they are getting less and not lasting as long.

 

[low-key]

 

[disneychrista]

Living in a small town is not so fun sometimes...

You gotta move or move on
When you break up in a small town

 

[low-key]

Living in a small town is not so fun sometimes...

You gotta move or move on
When you break up in a small town

never heard this song before, I like, do you relate cause of the small town, or also cause the prick is already dating someone you know

 

[disneychrista]

never heard this song before, I like, do you relate cause of the small town, or also cause the prick is already dating someone you know

Just the small town aspect. Saw him while I was at the bank today. We go to the same bank and I used to enjoy running into him there, not so much now. He still wants us to be friends, so he was friendly. I haven't seen/heard from him in nearly 2 weeks it was tough for me. If he was dating someone else then I would have a whole new reason to be upset. And not just because he moved on but because his reason for ending things was because "he didn't have time" to be in a relationship right now.

 

[low-key]

J And not just because he moved on but because his reason for ending things was because "he didn't have time" to be in a relationship right now.

want me to kick his butt

 

[disneychrista]

want me to kick his butt

No. That's okay. Life got him back for me. He messed up his back. He slipped a disk thinking he is still 30 instead of nearly 60.

 

[EMom]

I see nothing wrong with telling someone you see no future with them. To me it is better than "it's not you, it's me." We all know that, that line is BS and OF COURSE it is them.

I felt it really WAS me. I was the one who was picky and became bored easily. These guys could've made any number of girls happy, but I wasn't one of them. I still was fond of them and wished them well, but I wasn't going to date them any longer. I learned early that telling them I just didn't see a future with them resulted in them trying way too hard to prove to me there WAS a future. Lots of pleading, promises, and requests for a little more time to show me. But when I was done, I was done. And since I was the one who wanted to exit, it was on ME. It's not that they had done anything wrong. I never saw, "It's not you. It's me," as anything but the absolute truth.

 

[EMom]

I was engaged in my early twenties and the way he chose to break up was to marry someone else two months before the wedding and let her tell me. We were in a long distance relationship at the time because of his work, but had been together eight years. I had no clue whatsoever he was seeing someone else. She dumped him three months later and he wanted a second chance with me. I never spoke to him after the initial break up. I don’t know which of your categories that would fall under, since we never had the fight and it certainly wasn’t civilized and amiable. Perhaps it could be called an indiscretion, but that doesn’t seem a strong enough word. I just knew I would never be able to trust him, ever, if I took him back. It definitely wasn’t easy though, and to this day I don’t know why he did what he did - not that it would have made a difference.

Looking back, I would have appreciated him being honest when he started seeing someone else instead of being such a coward about it. It still would have been painful, but maybe less so. So sorry you are going through this OP. It seems to be one of those universal things everyone goes through at some point in their lives. All I can say is it will get better with time.

You dodged a bullet.

 

[disneychrista]

I felt it really WAS me. I was the one who was picky and became bored easily. ... I never saw, "It's not you. It's me," as anything but the absolute truth.

Fair enough.

 

[ronandannette]

I felt it really WAS me. I was the one who was picky and became bored easily. These guys could've made any number of girls happy, but I wasn't one of them. I still was fond of them and wished them well, but I wasn't going to date them any longer. I learned early that telling them I just didn't see a future with them resulted in them trying way too hard to prove to me there WAS a future. Lots of pleading, promises, and requests for a little more time to show me. But when I was done, I was done. And since I was the one who wanted to exit, it was on ME. It's not that they had done anything wrong. I never saw, "It's not you. It's me," as anything but the absolute truth.

Very well articulated; the two serious-ish relationships I had in my 20's were ended this way. I moved on from one to the next of them and then finally to my husband in reasonably quick succession and each of them was somewhat of a "move-up" from the last - in some ways. That's not to say either of the first two weren't great guys. It's more that I was growing into "myself" during those years and becoming more and more sure of what I wanted for my life, and developing the confidence to make good choices. Nor would they have ultimately wanted me for their life-partner either, had it played out differently. I happen to know they both went on to happy relationships with women very, very different than me.

Nobody likes to be "left"; I wouldn't like it either. But unless both people are in mutual agreement about ending things, how can it be done without one being hurt? This whole question kind of confounds me. I can't for the life of me think of how everybody walks away unscathed. Now I suppose a lot of relationships end with such acrimony that the "leaver" is actually glad to be hurting the "leav'ee" but I've never been in that situation.

 

[Owlpost23]

No. That's okay. Life got him back for me. He messed up his back. He slipped a disk thinking he is still 30 instead of nearly 60.

It always does.

 

[disneychrista]

Nor would they have ultimately wanted me for their life-partner either

Not all relationships have to be leading to "life partners." I knew from the get-go that last one wasn't leading there. Doesn't make it hurt any less to get dumped before what I had always thought of as the "natural end" of the relationship. I figured we would continue on until he moved from the area.

Nobody likes to be "left"; I wouldn't like it either. But unless both people are in mutual agreement about ending things, how can it be done without one being hurt? This whole question kind of confounds me.

I'm not saying that the dumpee wouldn't be hurt by one or the other. Just asking which YOU feel is better. Which one makes the sting less and the break-up easier. The end of any relationship is going to hurt. It hurt and I went through stages of grief when I lost my job 18 months ago when the compnay went out of business. It was the longest "relationship" I'd had. It was tough. Even tougher because not only was I a dumpee, I was also a dumpeer because of my position.

 

[DietCoke18]

I don’t know. My last relationship ended over 23 years ago because he didn’t want to marry me. Which hurt because we never discussed marriage.

 

[Disney Doll]

I’ve never had a screaming fight break up. Mine have been amicable conversations. One guy met someone he liked better. Didn’t cheat but was honest enough to end things with me because he really wanted to see where it would go with her. (And that had been verified by my inside sources )Ended up marrying her so I guess he was right. Just saw in the paper that he got arrested for DWI so I guess I dodged a bit of a bullet there.

Another guy cheated. For me, that makes breaking up easy. Another guy moved out of the area and neither of us felt that a long distance relationship was in the cards.

I generally tend to keep no contact. If I bumped into them randomly somewhere I’d say hi and be civil but I’m not going to seek them out.

 

[ronandannette]

I don’t know. My last relationship ended over 23 years ago because he didn’t want to marry me. Which hurt because we never discussed marriage.

I understand how it would, but in certain seasons of life, some people are dating with an eye to the future. If it’s really apparent someone isn’t the one, it only makes sense to move onto finding the one that is. Now if he implied he was bailing out because he felt pressured for a commitment when you weren’t actually pressuring him, yeah, that sucks.

 

[disneychrista]

Another guy moved out of the area

That’s how I thought this relationship would end. He had been honest that he didn’t seem himself staying in this area. He was only here to take care of his mom.

 

[mikehn]

This song is awesome ...if you wanna ball your eyes out.